The Friday Fake Marketing News We Wish Was Real
USPS Divides US into 7 Provinces
New Zip Codes Coming Soon
WASHINGTON, DC - Postmaster General Jack Potter announced today that the United States has been divided into new territories.
The division occurred at an assembly of USPS Regional Managers and Delegates in El Paso, Texas. Or “El Paso, Texas, Desertania,” according to Potter.
Under the new plan, Americans are free to continue to use the old state names in the address line of USPS delivered items, but the province name must come after that.
“For instance, if you live in Miami, Florida, you are now in Miami, Florida, Alantishire. It’s pretty simple, really,” said Potter.
The USPS, beleaguered and showing steady losses in recent years, made the move based on advice from an advertising agency it hired to improve its image.
Janice St. James, creative director for Pure Bull Design
of New York, asserts that her firm’s research revealed that a dramatic change was necessary.
“We were fighting a losing battle,” said St. James, “We simply can not turn the image of the USPS around. They are and always will be seen as a bureaucratic nightmare of red tape and inefficiency. Rather than fight that perception, which is deeply ingrained into the American psyche, we suggested that the best route to take would be to build on the strengths of the USPS, which are bureaucracy and inefficiency. I mean, other than their cycling team, what has the USPS given us lately?”
“This move to divide into provinces, or territories, will ensure that the USPS remains focused on providing more incomprehensible bureaucracy and inefficiency,” said St. James, "Our client has plans to unveil in the coming weeks a new and more confusing 10-digit letter/number combination of postal coding that should also help in this regard.”
Pure Bull Design conducted focus group studies in the various postal regions and abandoned an earlier plan to name the territories by their geographic locations, such as Northeast, Southwest, etc.
Says St. James, “It was too bland, even for the USPS. What we found was that Americans love fantasy. When we tested our ‘Fellowship of The Rings’ names on the various focus groups, it was obvious right away.”
Asked when the change goes into effect, Potter answered, “Immediately. It already has. It’s done. Henceforth all mail that does not include the new province name will be returned to sender.”