Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Vista is Spanish for View

Years ago in days of old, when Magic filled the air*, radio and television were dominated by single-sponsor programs. They had variety shows or serials that were "brought to you by" Maxwell House coffee or Chesterfield cigarettes. The shows' hosts and actors became shameless shills as they broke character to smoke a Chesterfield on camera or loudly slurp a cup of coffee over the airwaves, marveling at the rich, smooth taste of both.

Those days are back, minus the out and out shamelessless of those old endeavors.

It's a good advertising model, as anyone who watched Demetri Martin's show on Comedy Central last night can attest. You feel like you're getting a special on HBO or Showtime, except for the amusing if perplexing interruptions for clearification.com and the Institute for Advanced Personhood at ipa.org. Both are creations of Mekanism of San Francisco and McCann Erickson as they rolled out Windows Vista last night in a new/old way. The association with Vista became more apparent as the one-hour special moved along, but the slow reveal, as it were, made you appreciate both the concept, and the departure from the usual seven spots blaring at you in three and a half minutes.

The idea is, of course, Buzz. More importantly, blogger buzz and MySpace buzz and Web 2.0 buzz and viral buzz and social networking buzz. Buzz, buzz, buzz. And compared to the Steve Jobs Wizard in Black Turtleneck on Stage Before Drooling Fans Unveiling the New Product model, I'd take this one. Much more daring and risky.

Following Demetri Martin came the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, where the "detached pitchman" model was abandoned for what amounted to a hostile takeover by Microsoft of the last half of the show. Not only did the Bill Gates interview last a full fifteen minutes, but commercial bumps in and out were devoid of the mainstay Daily Show rocking theme, favoring a gentle soundtrack accompanied by the Vista logo animating over the Daily Show logo. When Bill comes back and is talking to Stewart, the Windows Vista signage and paraphernalia are everywhere, making you feel like you're at a trade show. Softball questions, little information, with basically a "come and see" pitch from the Billman, Stewart gamely playing along.

After the Colbert Report, it was an "encore presentation" of the Martin special. Martin, a veteran of The Daily Show, is a mix of Stephen Wright and CarrotTop, with a little vintage Steve Martin musicianship. The Martin Model is refreshing, as even the clearification.com site makes no mention of Vista. You can tell they're related, but he's not shoving it in our faces.

Not sure what Microsoft paid for total domination of a network last night, but it's an interesting (if old) idea that we will likely be seeing more of.

Did I fall into their sinister marketing trap by blogging about it? I guess I did. But it took me years to finally fork over the money for a legit copy of XP Pro. I'm not buying Vista anytime soon. I might "come and see" what the hype is about, but I'll likely wait about 4 years, after all the hacks have been fixed and the holes plugged.

And I had my suspicions comfirmed last night that Jon Stewart's writers steal material from this and other ramblings of mine. In the interview with Gates, Stewart asked, "So, when do we get our jetpacks?" But that's what social media is all about, I guess.

*Bonus points for this homage.

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Monday, January 29, 2007

Mmmmmmm! Cabbage!

The Czechs love their cabbage. I'm sure this is old, but still.

Previously in Czech Commercial High Art.


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Jobs They Can't Fill

The parent organization of Where's My Jetpack has been unsuccessfully trying to fill 3 vacancies for about 3 years now. I'm thinking they may have to outsource this stuff to India.

I've seen this type of want ad before, where the employer obviously has one person in mind and for the sake of covering their butts, they have to post the opening.

If you know anyone who meets these requirements, please alert us here.

Sales Weasel/Sound Technician

If you are a smarmy and snake-like sales-hound but have the ability to hide that fact and can also run a soundboard for a major auditorium production, we may want to talk to you. You are the kind of person who makes promises you can’t keep, lies through your teeth, and fails to show up to appointments on time because you are so important. You are vain, obnoxious, mean-spirited, and petty, and yet somehow, people still like you. You will have a proven track record in sales as well as references from people you’ve talked into lying for you.

Your audio experience MUST be with a major touring act. (Touring Broadway show or platinum-selling musical act.)

Pilot/Lead Guitarist
The ideal candidate will come from a blues background, have a lot of soul with funk to boot, and be FAA instrument-rated. Must be able to jump into any song and play it as if you wrote it. If you are tired of flying commercially and long for a cushy job as a private pilot and have your own small jet that you will bring with you, you may be the person we are looking for. Audition tapes required. No frenetic fretwork technicians playing endless scales, please. Must have soul. Your playing must run the gamut from sweet to growling.

Intern/Sushi Chef
Must be proficient in Word, Dreamweaver, Photoshop, Quark, Fireworks, Cool Edit Pro, Flash, Excel, Final Cut Pro (or similar). The ideal candidate will possess a thorough knowledge of web development, print media and graphic design, as well as audio and video production. Must have database administration experience and knowledge of php, Apache, mysql, and Linux. A strong command of many foreign languages is desired (particularly those of sub-Saharan Africa.) Must be able to make sushi with leanings toward the California School expected. Sushi tools NOT provided! Sushi references required.

You will run the shop as we travel the world and if anything goes wrong while we’re gone, you will be in so much trouble.

Ben Franklin thought he qualified. The only sushi he could make was a Philadelphia roll.

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Friday, January 26, 2007

Brand Icons Rush To Indian Maiden's Defense

The Indian Maiden Defense Union of Major Brands (IM DUMB) has announced that they are boycotting Where's My Jetpack? until the offensive post from yesterday is taken down.

Little Debbie, the Morton Salt girl, Aunt Jemima, the Coppertone child, Betty Crocker, Wendy and a creepy new SunMaid Raisin lady are calling on all concerned "peoples of the world" to express their outrage at "the willful and wanton disregard for decency, as well as the sexist and exploitative attitude" displayed on this blog.

Coppertone kid got in on this too? She's got a lot of room to talk.

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A Cracker Barrel of Diversity

Cracker Barrel

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The Sink Snorts Coke

Those whacky Russians are at it again. Anyone speak Russian? I'd like to know what the Sink says before he overdoses and collapses in the snow after snorting a line of cleanser. (I'm guessing he's a sink, though I am not too familiar with Russian plumbing fixtures.)

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Social Media - It's About Porn

Drink it!I learned a lesson about Social Media today. Porn links drive your blog traffic through the roof.

Steve Hall of AdRants linked to the Land O' Lakes trick. (Steve, you don't cut the knees off. That's barbaric. You remove the box of butter the Indian Maiden holds and put the same picture behind her - there are two on every box.) This little courtesy made for much higher than normal visits to Where's My Jetpack. Steve is a fairly big fish in the ad blogging world.

But then some naughty bloggers who are apparently the sperm whales of the blogging world got wind of Steve's post and linked to here from Fleshbot, which sent traffic to this blog into the uncharted stratosphere, where the buzz is fast and fleeting. I'll be back down in normal numbers very soon, my brief and dizzying venture into what really drives traffic these days a memory. Actually, not just these days. Always. As Fleshbot puts it: "Because the Internet was made for porn."

So , all you Social Media Evangelists, it's time to get racy. Tell your clients they need to blog nasty.

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Thursday, January 25, 2007

What Might've Been - Rejected by Wendy's

In light of the recent switch of the Wendy's account to Saatchi & Saatchi, one of the losing agencies bidding for the creative side of the fast-food giant's business has revealed to Where's My Jetpack? one of the ideas presented in their pitch.

A self-described "envelope-pushing agent of change," Jill Summersby-Heath-McBride-Jackson of Pure Bull Worldwide said:

It was time for Wendy to grow up. That poofy shouldered shirt, the freckles, the pigtails. Ugh! And "Quality is Our Recipe?" How staid and cliched! Also, the whole "old fashioned" thing has run its course, no offense to the memory of the late great Dave Thomas. So we lost that old typeface on the Wendy's name and went with the "punkassbitch" font, also losing the silly wrought-iron swirly thing. We got rid of "old-fashioned" and just decided to tell it like it is. I mean, if the Colonel can get a facelift, why can't Wendy let her hair down? The Wendy's people weren't really into what we presented. Their loss. It tested well with a lot of diverse groups. Frankly, I think the little girl is creepy."

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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Better Than Naked Ladies in Ice Cubes

This logo has been around since 1939, when a very clever and perverted artist named Jess Betlach decided to subliminally put nipples on the kneecaps of the Indian maiden, resulting in generations of adolescent American boys cutting up butter boxes to reveal the woman as pictured in the second image. Remove the box of butter she holds and put the same picture behind her, sliding it up but deviating neither left nor right. Tell me this wasn't intentional.

I did this trick for my family and they thought I was Uncle Freak McNasty. They'd never heard of it. I know I'm not the only one who has seen this old thing. Is it only popular among ad people and sickos? Wait, that was redundant.
I will post the cease and desist as soon as it arrives from Land O' Lakes headquarters. But ask yourself this: How many logos undergo ZERO modifications in nearly 70 years? My guess is that Land O' Lakes can't let go of their sophomoric humor and are really attached to the young flasher. And boys, for reasons their mothers can't explain, always insist she buy Land O' Lakes. "Must be the taste," mother smiles to herself, "But where are all the butter boxes?"

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Monday, January 22, 2007

Dear John Deere

This very nice oceanfront property in St. Augustine Beach, Florida, is owned by the John Deere company of Moline, Illinois. It is one of at least three coastal properties owned by John Deere. The neighbors tell me it is used maybe three to four times per year. What a shame.

I have used and appreciate John Deere equipment, particularly these babies, which make mowing anything but a chore. More like an action-packed and dangerous motorsport.

I'd like to take this opportunity to offer John Deere my services as their fulltime caretaker and house-sitter. I will stay out of sight on the few occasions when corporate execs are down here to party in the sun on retreat. You can fire your maids and groundskeepers. Your property sits very close to the spot where my wife and I were married.

Short of letting me live in their house, I'd like John Deere to consider participating in this little not-for-profit venture of mine. The publicity would be very good, and I'll put your logo all over the trucks and trailers. You guys obviously have tons of money. Let me help you spend a few dollars. The press contacts are lined up and waiting to write stories on this thing if it ever really gets launched. PR opportunities abound. The website is up and we're just waiting for a corporate sponsor. Hope it isn't a competitor. Be good to see this thing sponsored by a US concern.

Email me anytime at Jetpacks@gmail.com

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Jack Bauer Never Eats

Load this into your gullet, you disgusting pig.I think I saw Jack Bauer drinking a cup of coffee once. But he never eats, uses the restroom, sleeps or does anything else that normal Americans do. But then, he's not normal. And he's a TV character. (The guy who plays him has been known to hoist a few drinks, that's for sure.)

On a weekend trip to America's Oldest City, Mrs. Jetpacks and I were slightly bemused after leaving an independent restaurant. We didn't leave with takeout boxes. Because we finished our meals. And we weren't stuffed. My grandfather used to call this feeling "satisfied." We don't know what that means in America anymore.

And so I was wondering if any restaurant chains might like to try a twist on their marketing plan. Instead of super-sizing, instead of portions so large they should feed two people, instead of boxing up everyone's leftovers (or scraping everyone's leftovers into the trash), instead of contributing to the Obesification of America and the subsequent health problems caused by being a stuffed glutton, what if a restaurant chain went with a trial program whereby they offered smaller portions? They could present it in a thousand ways, such as helping curb a national epidemic, using the savings to contribute to the world's starving, keeping your refrigerator free of rotting half-eatens...whatever.

There are restaurants I only frequent once in a blue moon because whenever I leave them, the memory of being so full I'm sick stays with me longer than the memory of the taste of the food or the ambience of the place. And even if I'm not stuffed, the food in the fridge in the styrofoam container is never quite right heated up later in the microwave. (Mexican restaurants, you are the worst. With your bottomless bowl of chips with salsa, most of us are full by the time the entrées arrive.)

So, Applebee's, Outback, Red Lobster, Bennigan's, Hard Rock, T.G.I. Fridays and all the rest, whaddaya think? First one to the table on this idea wins. All the rest look like copycats. (Wendy's was first with the Value Menu, now all the fast food joints have a value menu.) It's time to swing the Portions Pendulum back in the other direction.

We don't know what hunger is anymore. When we say "I'm hungry," that usually means, "I'd love the taste of a monster Chipotle burrito right now." And in a country where eating is a sport and waste is a national pastime, the chances of a corporation going with a responsible idea like this are pretty slim. No pun intended.

I see product placement shots in "24" all the time. Maybe Jack Bauer can be eating at a Hard Rock cafe and he orders from the "Reasonable Portions" side of the menu? He knows he can't take it with him and he knows he'll be lucky to get through his meal without being called way to save his country, so he orders smart. A nation might follow his lead.

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Email Marketing by Any Other Name...

A weekend's worth of unwanted advertisements. At least their filters recognize it and make deletion easier.

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Thursday, January 18, 2007

She Makes Gay Cowboys Dance

Don't be a hater. I'm just getting my client noticed. You're really jealous, aren't you?This is Jennifer Uhll from Los Angeles, and she is responsible for the lowermybills.com dancing banners. They're apparently not going to stop anytime soon.

If you'd like to drop Jennifer a line and thank her for her work or perhaps commission some dancing silhouettes for your clients, you can do so at her website, which has a dancing silhouette.

Jennifer, I know you're just doing your job, and you've given a lot of ad bloggers a lot of material to rant and talk about. That is what this business is about. So....good job.

Full story is here.

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Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Suicide Thwarted by Old Spice

Your grandma was easyThis two-page spread fairly jumps off the inside cover of this week's Rolling Stone. This is a 1968 photograph of the actress Faye Dunaway. She is sprawled out on a chair with her hand on a drink, eyes closed, dying fern symbolizing the imminent death of this poor, troubled soul while the Fires of Hell lick at the toes of her prepared for burial bare feet. The line above the strategically cut-off logo reads: "If Your Grandfather Hadn't Worn it, You Wouldnt Exist."

Notifying an already depressed woman that her grandma was a cheap tramp, lured to the bed of a guy just because he wore Old Spice, may not be the best way to cheer her up.

Or maybe I missed the point and this is your grandmother, and she's about to conceive your Mom or your Dad, making you possible someday, and you owe it to the dude who smells like Pinesol mixed with rotting wood, who builds a helluva fire.

As Scamp said, "What would I do if the Old Spice brief landed on my desk? Burst into tears, probably."

Continuing on their "Experience is Everything" theme, the Wieden & Kennedy kids have delivered this perplexing gem for a tired old brand. All colognes and aftershaves have always gone with the "Wear it and get some girly action" angle. W&K takes it to a new level*: Thank Old Spice for your very existence.

Most of this new cologne/bodyspray advertising is aimed at boys who don't even shave yet. I can attest that it is working. Every morning as we ride our bikes, we have to hold our breath as we pass the young swordsmen-in-training waiting for the schoolbus, a toxic cloud of mixed fragrances saturating the air around them. Can W&K make a dent in the Axe and Tag shares of the coveted middle-school masturbating demo? My guess is yes.

*"Takes it to a new level" is not to be considered an endorsement of "pushing the envelope" or any other "Agent of Change" cliche.

Previously in Old Spice

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Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Obama Takes it to YouTube

Obama's campaign is off and running. His calculated decision to go tieless in this video and the fact that his people put it up on YouTube say we are in for perhaps a different sort of campaigning. Setting up a presidential exploratory committee is likely just a technicality and formality that basically means he'll officially announce next month.

I wouldn't mind being a consultant on this campaign. It will be fun to watch. It already runs the risk of being lampooned as too folksy. Sharpen your knives, Democratic co-contenders, this is the new front-runner.

Advice to John Edwards: You are not Bobby Kennedy. Please knock off the drippy poverty talk. You are a very wealthy former trial lawyer with nice hair and a smile. That may have worked on Carolina juries, but this is the Big Show. You can hang out with poor blacks all day long, but Obama is black. You're sounding and looking wimpy these days. We'll need to see some genuine wrath if you're to be believed.

Advice to Hillary Clinton: Sorry, there's nothing you can do. You wore out your welcome the first year of your husband's presidency. Your recent attempts to appear middle-of-the-road are horribly transparent and make you look as though you don't know where you stand. In desperation, you might start calling Obama by his full name of Barack Hussein Obama.

Advice to Chris Dodd: Never in a million years, Chris. Why are you even in this race? The Spanish fluency will serve you well, but you're still an unknown blue-blood.

Advice to Joe Biden: You're smart and knowledgeable, with some great ideas and a sharp wit, but this is a contest of telegenics. The new teeth are nice, but why did you stop at the forehead when you had hair replacement surgery?

Advice to Dennis Kucinich: You're joking, right, Denny? You've got more baggage than a contender has ever carried. You'd be way too easy to slam dunk. They'll start by mocking your veganism. Get out now before it gets ugly.

The author of this blog is a proud independent and favors no political party.

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A Super Bowl Guarantee

Now I hate the Patriots more than I ever didMy closet is shamed to hold this formerly lovely longsleeve T-shirt.

My team won't be there, but maybe your brand can be. CBS has sold only about 70% of the game's inventory, so if you've got $2.6 million, it's time to act.

Bill Green over at Make the Logo Bigger is issuing his version of Joe Namath's Super Bowl Guarantee. Bill will deliver you a much-talked-about :30 spot that runs during the big game. Or a series of spots if you've really got the urge to make a name for yourself.

From Mr. Green is this deal-clincher: "The charge? None. Free. Zilch. Not one fee for creative. No fee for production either. No mark-up on anything. You buy the slot. That’s it."

He's revealed to me the payoff and it's really a fine idea. Take him up on it if you've got the guts and the cash.

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Monday, January 15, 2007

A Strong and Simple Beat That You Can Dance To

From time to time, I am amused (OK, daily) by the words tossed about in the industry of late. So, I present this:

Wrap your arms around this
And going forward we’ll enhance
As you begin to ramp up
We'll do the ROI dance

We’re delivering on the action items
eating low hanging fruit snacks
We’re monetizing and strategizing
So go on, Push Back

Customize the experiential
And reciprocate the exchange
Network with some CMOs
And keep looking downrange

You gotta get you some core values
Do some due diligence
How about some needs based research?
Or a customer experience?

It’s a value-added impactful thing
If you have to ask, never mind
We’re doing business in a dynamic way
Driving outcomes from time to time

Previously in Business Speak.

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Shot Rings Out in the Memphis Sky

Sign it, BITCH!Lest we forget, Ronald Reagan seriously dragged his feet on making today a holiday, saying something along the lines of "We already have enough federal holidays."

That's why this picture is so poignant, in which a defeated and not too pleased RR signs the bill while a triumphant Mrs. King looks on with what could be described as barely concealed disdain.

And in a subtle twist of irony, are there any historians out there who remember why King was in Memphis on that "early morning, April 4?" To march in solidarity with that city’s trash collectors, who had gone on strike for decent wages. And today, here in Jetpackland, my city's trash collectors, most of whom are black, do not have the day off. (pictured below) Perhaps they make decent wages. (U2's song is factually incorrect. Dr. King was shot in the early evening of April 4th, at approximately 5PM, on his way to dinner.)

In the Memphis hotel where King was shot, he was preparing a sermon for the coming weekend. It's title: "Why America May Go to Hell." No. Seriously.trash collection in Florida on MLK day

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Saturday, January 13, 2007

A Revolution in Phones

Mr and Mrs Jetpacks doing acrobatic stuff.Introducing....

My beat up old Motorola V400. Works great. Lasts a long time. Makes and receives phone calls. Has speed dial. Can text message and browse web (if I ever wanted to do that on a phone.) Alarm clock, games, datebook. And much, much more.

Way too much hype surrounding the iPhone. I really don't care to watch an episode of The Office on a tiny screen in my hands. I watch TV on my TV. I don't need to receive images from your vacation on my phone. I don't want to download music to my phone. I have an MP3 player for that. (And a note to all you ringtone downloaders: Knock it off. It's stupid. Make your phone ring, please. Or better yet, VIBRATE. Don't subject me to your favorite whining new emo tune or some Miami salsa sap.)

I need a phone for phone calls. That's all.

Hey, Steve Jobs. Don't need it. Won't be holding my breath until June. Bet you the price of an iPhone that my V400 still works fine by then.

All you salivating gadget junkies are far too connected. You'd accept email in your sleep if Jobs found a way to do that for you. Go off the grid for a few hours. It's liberating.

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Friday, January 12, 2007

I Don't Do Top Tens

But here's a list of people deeply interesting to many of my countrymen and countrywomen currently. I could not care any less about any of these folks and would ask that they kindly disappear. I know that won't happen, but I can dream. So they are, in effect, my Bottom Ten List.
  1. Justin Timberlake
  2. Cameron Diaz
  3. Rosie O'Donnell
  4. Donald Trump
  5. Chris Dodd
  6. John Edwards
  7. John McCain
  8. Steve Jobs
  9. David Beckham
  10. Madonna
Coming in close but not quite making the Bottom Ten were Jay-Z, Bono, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, George Clooney, Paris, Lindsey, Britney and Bob Dylan. Dylan you ask? Yes. Dylan. Supremely overrated - much like Clapton.

The Unholy Trinity of America is made up of Commerce, Politics and Entertainment. It has become impossible to find the line between these three entities. Our movie stars fancy themselves political activists and our political hotshots are celebrities, and they all dance to one tune: "Gimme Some Money," by Spinal Tap.

"Your merchants were the world's great men. By your magic spell all the nations were led astray."


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Critiquing 8 Logos

I've come across some logos in black and white and have taken it upon myself to assess these logos for style and effectiveness.

Bear - a company from Chicago, goes with a simple lower case "c". Minimalist. I like the white outline. Slightly confusing and I have to wonder why the company didn't go with a "B" or a bear image.

Colt, out of Indianapolis, chooses a horseshoe as its logo. I guess when your company name means "baby horse," it's best not to be too literal. Good choice.

Patriot, from the Boston area, uses a disembodied Paul Revere character with a John Kerry chin flying through the air. Interesting and creepy. Beats their old logo of a squatting Paul Revere, however.

Saint, from New Orleans, inexplicably adopts the Boy Scout emblem for their corporate image. Strange choice, but oddly effective. Stands out . Like to see this one in color, please.

Philadelphia based Eagle went with this one winged image that works for me. A little too much outline, but it's nice to see they didn't go with an Eagle head, though I hear they do use that on some of their collateral material. Consistency, people.

Easily my least favorite, this is Baltimore based Raven. Cartoonish bird head with a B on it. Please try again.

Yet another bird-named company, Seahawk, out of Seattle, goes with a Pacific Northwest Native American totem pole-styled bird. Fierce, not too literal, and just PC-enough to please most everyone.

San Diego's Charger is confused. I have seen imagery wherein this company uses a horse to depict the corporate image and yet on most of their collateral material we see this lightning bolt. Either you are a horse, or you are electricity. You can't have it both ways. This logo, however, is simple and elegant. Run with it.

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Thursday, January 11, 2007

Give it an English Accent, We'll Buy It

bugger bugger wankerIt's time to kill the Gecko, Geico's distant 3rd campaign to sell insurance, behind Caveman (98% favorable rating*) and Celebrities Helping Ordinary Folks Talk (66% favorable rating*) Step on him, light him afire, hose him down with poison.

If you listen to any Geico Gecko spots on the radio or see them on TV, take away the English accent, and they really are quite bland. Nothing funny, just that peppy, happy, congenial accent keeps you listening. Granted, insurance is a bland product, but relying on a lizard with an accent is not exactly creative.

We Americans are suckers for the Brit ways. As a character in the film Love Actually rightfully pointed out, "American girls would seriously dig me with my cute British accent."

The Martin Agency is on to that, exploiting it to the hilt. Phoning it in.

And it's not just the accent we get suckered into. Way too many Americans now sign off their emails with "Cheers!" That's fine if it's coming from George Parker or The Chimp Messiah, who grew up with it and whose Moms and Dads and schoolmates said it (should I have said "Mums"?) But coming from an American, it sounds affected, pretentious and fake. Think Madonna.

But let's not stop in Merry ol' England. The Commonwealth's Prisoner Exile - that land Down Under - holds an equally mesmerizing effect on the American mongrel. In additon to "Cheers!" being adopted by culture-starved New Worlders, we've now taken to saying "No Worries!" in our speech and written communications. We snap up Aussie shampoos and conditioners and there's a line to get a table at the local Outback. What's the matter with us? It's like we're turning Japanese, buying sweatshirts with gibberish English slogans on them.

So, advertisers, if you want to see your US sales go through the roof, hire an English or Aussie pitchman/woman. Don't even worry about compelling copy. (Make it a real accent and not a faked one by an American voiceover artist. And not John Cleese. He's done.) We're lured by those Anglo roots. They speak of a bygone day; of authority, aristocracy and authenticity.

God Save the Queen. And her Wanker Son.

*Figures entirely made up and based solely on the author's opinions.

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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Gloaters Aren't Pretty

as seen in Gainesville - I wishAfter taking the opening kickoff 93 yards for a touchdown, karma kicked in for Ohio State's much vaunted Ted Ginn Jr. as he celebrated in the end zone. Out of the game with an injured ankle received while dancing. "I know I hurt it on the celebration, but I really don't know exactly how." The rest of the game was all Gators.

All football players, please study LaDainian Tomlinson's on-field behavior this weekend when the Chargers send the Patriots back to New England in shame.

Make your own McD messages at Ronald McHummer.

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Monday, January 08, 2007

Old Spice's New Edge Not So New

With all the hype surrounding Old Spice's attempts to hip themselves up and make a dent in the Axe Body Spray market, I thought it might be educational to show how "progressive and edgy" Old Spice was way back in 1971, "pushing the envelope" (that's your cue to vomit) and apparently going for the gay market. Having scraped the barrel on the "Manly yes, but I like it too" line that positioned the cologne as all colognes are positioned - as chick magnet - Old Spice experiments here in those freewheeling 70s. (OK - that line actually belonged to Irish Spring - but same difference. Colgate + Palmolive or Proctor + Gamble, it's all the same.)

The young guy stalks Captain Old Spice all around town, just to sniff his wake. The Captain finally says, "Take a bottle of my man musk home with you and fantasize in private, kid. You're freaking me out and worrying my lady. I keep it right here in my sailor jacket at all times. Catch. Now get lost!"

There is nothing new under the sun.

You know that history repeats itself.
What you just done so has somebody else.

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Thursday, January 04, 2007

US Airways + Muslims: Final Update

Wanna see my landing strip?Andrea Rader, Director of Corporate Communications for US Airways, assures me that her company had nothing to do with the ad I found in the Destin Beachcomber. She comments on yesterday's post. Andrea has been in the news of late, trying to assuage the outrage of Muslims following an incident in Minneapolis.

So I'm guessing it was a prankster in the Destin area, if not among the staff of the "free and fortnightly" rag. Darn! Scandal averted. Where's My Jetpack? not getting Pulitzer for investigative journalism.

Pictured here is not Andrea Rader, but an old PSA ad. PSA was bought by USAir in 1988. (They rebranded themselves as US Airways in 1996.) This ad is from 1979, a shameless era during which provocative imagery was wantonly used in advertising. Thankfully, we all learned the lesson of that failed foray: Sex Doesn't Sell.

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Looks Like We Have a Trend

Thank you, LowerMyBills.com. Now you have an imitator in Edu.com.

Dancers on banners. Apocalyptic.

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Yet ANOTHER LowerMyBills Dancer

Gay Cowboy Dancers were horrendous. Rooftop Couple were pukeworthy. Now we have Guy in Big Suit Doing the 3-Year-Old Child On Crack Dance.

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Wednesday, January 03, 2007

US Airways and Muslims: Update

When I was an all aloner, nothin' but a two beachcomber
Looks as though Phoenix/Tempe, AZ based US Airways visited Where's My Jetpack? on numerous occasions yesterday. (Uh oh. Look out, Beachcomber staff.) Or was this a secret test ad that US Airways hoped no one would take note of? "Let's stick it in some nondescript free rag down in redneck country and see how it plays."

I have to admit that the ad is humorous in an SNL/Colbert kind of way, but in this hyper-careful PC society we inhabit, you just aren't allowed to do this sort of stuff in advertising. Leave it to the comedy shows. Or Brandspankin.

Attention US Airways PR and/or Marketing Departments: I have given you the benefit of the doubt here and truly hope you are not purposely alienating Muslims. It's time to engage in some Online Reputation Management. You're invited to comment here.

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My 900th Last Chance

They are a persistent lot over there at Online Media Daily. I think I may just renew now so that I can stop getting "Last Chance!" notifications EVERY SINGLE DAY.

last chance my ass

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Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Gatorade...Is It On You?

There is no reason to believe that Marty and the babysitter were anything more than friends

Click photo for bigness and a better look at the stoic face of the coach.

In the best NFL Action Shot of Week 16, Chargers Coach Marty Schottenheimer is caught in the nanosecond before he realizes he is already doused with Gatorade. The assistant coach at left appears unamused.

According to the late Mitch Hedberg, Gatorade's advertising efforts ignore a huge segment of the population by focusing solely on athletes:

"You don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean 'No'?""

And for those who didn't know, the drink was invented at the University of Florida, hence the name.

Photo credited to Chargers.com

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US Airways Gets Mean

When I was an all aloner, nothin but a two beachcomber
Just spent a week in Destin, Florida. (City motto: "Where Midwesterners Come Because it's a Straight Shot South") We chose it because it was a good central location for an extended family reunion as revelers from various states rented a beach house and proceeded to forget the week through tequila, various colored wines and many varieties of beer. Also lots of football on TV and football on the beach. And TWO showings of Talledega Nights, which is some funny stuff.

ANYWAY, there is a "free and fortnightly" publication up there called "The Beachcomber," which you can pick up anywhere, filled with advertising, advertorial crap and schedules for bad bands in worse bars.

I'm fairly sure US Airways had nothing to do with this ad and they've probably already received some angry phone calls for it, but it sure does jump off the page of this December 14th issue of the local rag. I would guess The Beachcomber staff are in trouble for this one.

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Gimme Some Money/Spinal Tap + AmEx

Over the Holidays while watching one of the hundreds of stupid college bowl games, I caught this American Express ad featuring a song I have always liked. AmEx has used Spinal Tap's "Gimme Some Money," a throwaway gem from the film's "flashback" montage of the rise of the ficticious band. (On the subject of bowl games, how about this one for the shameless, lamest prize: The San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl? It's time to ban all 6-6 teams from bowl games and end this misery.)

Will anyone who isn't familiar with "the Tap" get this? No. Won't matter. It's not good enough to be used for very long. Feels like AmEx and their agency are just offering a playful wink and a nod to the tail end of the boomer set. Perhaps CP+B made Nigel and Company hip when they featured Chris Guest in a VW/Guitar spot. Next up, Viagra uses "Sex Farm" or Hanes tries "Big Bottoms."

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