Rape, Pillage and Good Clean Fun

The Thursday Fake Marketing News That We Wish Was Real

New Tack by Cruise Giant Seeks to Boost Sagging Sales

“Chicks dig pirates,” says Disney Exec

(Orlando, FLORIDA) With the rest of the cruise industry slashing prices and advertising with increased frequency on television and in newspapers in an effort to fill half empty vessels, Disney Cruise Lines is taking a different route to profit: Reality based historical cruising.

“It’s a synergistic approach to a value-added paradigm, leveraging turn-key niche partnerships while maximizing scalable ROI,” said Disney Cruise Lines Vice President of Informational Overflow Management and Assessment Chuck Neanderthal.

Capitalizing on the Pirates of the Caribbean blockbuster movies by Disney Pictures, the cruise line’s first “reality” cruise is naturally, a pirate-themed voyage to the Caribbean.

“What is a traditional cruise if not a fantasy?” asks Neanderthal, “People dress up in evening gowns and tuxes and act all fancy. They’re playing a game. We are just modifying the game.”

“All passengers will sign a waiver before departing, stating that they are aware that the service and treatment they are about to receive is all in keeping with the theme of the voyage and that everything is just for fun,” said Neanderthal.

Passengers can expect beatings, lashings, rape, plunder of cabins, and perhaps the occasional sword cut.

Disney employees are excited about the opportunity to mistreat guests, all in good fun. Human Resources coordinators are receiving record numbers of resumes and applications from competing cruise line employees.

“We usually have to smile and act so fake. Proper facial hair, haircuts, and good grooming are part of the Disney mystique,” said cabin steward Carlo Robelli, “Now we are being encouraged to look exactly the opposite and to behave menacingly and drink on the job. This is going to be fun.”

Disney is certain that the Pirate theme will take off and set a new industry trend toward more themed cruising.

“Believe me,” says Neanderthal, “When Jane Doe from Milwaukee goes home after a Disney Pirate Cruise and tells her coworkers that the waiters were surly and leering, the officers gruff and unshaven, swords everywhere and romance all around, we can start charging whatever we want for this experience. People like fantasy, and chicks dig pirates. When John Doe goes back to Salt Lake and tells his buddies that the serving wenches were hot and encouraged sexual intimidation and he got in a sword fight with an officer? Come on, they will be flocking to this cruise. Again, people like fantasy, and guys love to be pirates. Now I ask you, what American corporation owns fantasy? Only Disney. We are the pirates of fantasy. Who else to revive this sagging cruise industry?”

Neanderthal says other themed trips are already on the drawing board for further development.

“We’ll soon be unveiling the Transatlantic Immigrant in Steerage Cruise, the Pilgrim Crossing, as well as the Africa to America Slave Ship Voyage,” says the executive, “And we will charge high prices for these cruises. We’re Disney. It’s all about education, entertainment, fun and enlightenment. People will pay for that.”