The New Awful: Internet Explorer

Every once in a while, an ad as bad as this will bring me out of my blogging coma to post it so you all can cringe with me. Here, Internet Explorer attempts to be funny, ironic and self-deprecating - and fails.How can you miss with the always hilarious go-to: guy getting tackled from offscreen! How about cats! Everyone loves cats! CUPCAKES? HELP! WE SUCK AND WE KNOW IT! 



The creators of this are so sure that it sucks, they have disabled comments on the video over at YouTube.

Making matters worse, a companion website, TheBrowswerYouLovedToHate.com attempts to upsell the clued-in hipness with more than enough tongue-in-cheek desperation.

Why won't this work? Regardless of how much better IE9 is than previous iterations, people make up their minds on these things and they stay there. When you have a reputation for sucking, people don't forget that.

Books Where You Actually Turned the Pages Made from Real Paper

I was looking around for something to read, bored out of my mind by some Sinclair Lewis novel I downloaded for free from the Gutenberg Project, when I noticed that someone in the house had removed an old Time-Life book from the bookshelf in the dining room so they might employ it as a mousepad for some murderous game played on a laptop while sitting on the couch eating Goldfish and watching Family Guy. That's the level of respect we have for books these days, They're mousepads. These old Time-Life books, a series called "The Old West", belonged to my wife's father, and they've done nothing but collect dust since the turn of the century and well before that, I'm sure. And it was not with purposeful disrespect that the person in question decided it made a good mousepad, but a careful study of its smooth, leather-ish exterior determined it had the right reflective properties and gripping strength to be used for something. What are those stupid decorations in the dining room all about? The things with the paper inside them that look like perfect laptop mousepads?

And now I'm reading them. I feel like I'm getting the quality middle-school education I carelessly neglected all those years ago, too concerned was I with skipping class and trying to make girls pay attention to me. And the books are full of pictures, too, which is perfect for a wandering mind like mine. Here's the commercial that advertised this expensive set of volumes when it was newish.

Thank you, spoiled 21st Century child who thought this made the perfect mousepad for your gaming pleasure. Alas, I was just like you when I was your age, and never would've thought these books were good for anything, unless someone had told me they had pictures of naked Native Americans in them.

Happy Presidents Day

Go sell some crap, ad hos and marketing pimps. 

OK, THAT Explains It

A friend was sporting one of those "Peace, Love, 4 Rivers" bumper stickers I posted about earlier. It's actually a magnet. That makes much more sense. And they give one away with every order. Pretty damned smart.

An Important Medical Announcement

I Always Drink to World Peace

I can watch this movie over and over and over again.



Funny how innocent movie trailer narration was back then. The guy sounds like he's advertising a Disney animation for toddlers.

And with a 96% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, you're basically just being an idiot if you don't like this movie. Sometimes it's OK to go along with the crowd.

Don't Have a Grandson with a Dog Collar

Another ridiculous and funny string of events that can result when you have regular old cable TV.

Word of Bumper

As far as I'm concerned, barbecue is barbecue. You can argue about Memphis, Kansas City, Chicago and any other city that lays claim to barbecue expertise, but I'll eat any of it and like most of it. I have no ties to any of the great barbecue cities nor is my palate sophisticated enough to judge one over the other.

Lately I've been seeing this bumper sticker all over town. It's for a place that opened just over two years ago and only has three locations. I've not seen or heard a commercial for 4 Rivers Smokehouse, no banner ads, no print media or outdoor boards. I just keep seeing these bumper stickers. I don't follow them on Twitter nor they me. I'm not a fan of theirs on Facebook. (1,042 followers and 8,642 fans. Impressive numbers, really.) Apparently they've been reviewed positively plenty of times.

People think enough of this place to ruin the paint jobs on their cars. I have also heard a few people expressing a desire to try 4 Rivers, saying they've heard it's excellent.

That is some seriously effective, low budget advertising, especially in the hard-to-stay-alive-let-alone-compete restaurant category.

Don't Wake Up In a Roadside Ditch

I like the far-fetchedness of it. Ludicrous, ridiculous, but entertaining. Using that overused announcer who is always called on for "tongue-in-cheek seriousness."

A Commercial Too Far

Comes a time when you have to get out while the getting's good, otherwise you look like Joe Montana with the Chiefs, or Michael Jordan in his second comeback. Same holds here with the Geico Caveman concept. The "Words with Friends" episode with Brian Orakpo was nominally passable, but in this one we've taken the hipster, sardonic caveman, whose specialty was acting insulted in a resigned, shoulder-shrugging way, and turned him into a silly, shrill character. Didn't they learn anything from the failed sitcom they tried to turn this into?



I observed a few 14-year old boys watching this over the weekend. They all said (in unison) words to this effect: "That was stupid."

No One In Denver Has a Smart Phone

This shoddy piece of sports journalism jumped out at me in yesterday's paper. Mile High Stadium officials apparently were able to keep Broncos fans in the dark as to the outcome of the Chargers/Raiders game.

Stupid assumption. Filler. Nonsense.

Saturated Street Scenes and Other Odds and Ends

Found this one on Google Maps at Hersheypark in Hershey, Pennsylvania.

More locally, a Salvation Army bell ringer at my local Publix has a style that suggests she has found joy in this volunteer position. She never uses the chair they provide her, and she's always dancing.



I've obviously not been doing much ad blogging. Other things seem to have overtaken this thing in importance. Like work, among other endeavors. I'm so far behind on current events, not to mention the stupid, echo chamber, self-love-fest that is the advertising industry. Here's how far behind I am. I only today discovered Bad Lip Reading's Obama song called "Trick the Bridesmaid," which is pretty good for a silly little song. That ridiculous chorus is stuck in my head. It's got a catchy hook.

Went to the mall yesterday. That was terrifying. Have to go again today. Can't wait.

Taking Your Chuck Norris Love to the Next Level

Saturated Street Scenes - Seattle

We're calling this one "Hendrix on His Knees." - Threatening sky sold separately. See the actual Google Street View image here:

Click for a big version and see the rest in the series here, provided the stupid kitchen server doesn't give out, as it is prone to do every half hour.

Hey, NFL - I Was Thinking...

I was watching football over the Holiday weekend and was amazed at the number of empty seats in the stands. LP Field in Nashville, home of the Tennessee Titans, a decent team with a 6-5 record, was maybe half empty. An optimist might call that stadium half-full, but when you're talking about an NFL venue, you would rather be Lambeau Field, a stadium that would sell out even if the Packers were winless well into the season. Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego also had large sections of empty seats, a strange thing when the Denver Tebows were in town, the hottest topic in all of sports right now.

Television coverage for a football fan can be very frustrating, particularly if you rely on the networks and don't have some pricey premium package. (Let's not even talk about the ridiculous dispute between the NFL Network and the cable giants, who can't come to terms, thus depriving us from even considering a pricey premium package.) So if you live on the East Coast, it will be a rare day when you get to see the Seahawks, the Raiders or the 49ers play. Down here in Florida, we are subjected to Buccaneers, Dolphins or Jaguars games; three teams that make up the Triangle of Suck in the NFL. If we aren't being made to watch them stink up the field, then the networks assume we want to see the Patriots. Recent weekends, I have seen more of Tom Brady and that homeless guy who coaches the Patriots than I have my own dog.

When football is not on, the Sports Centers of TV and the web or the Sports Sections of print and online journalism are talking about football. It is, no one can argue, the new national pastime. We don't give a crap about baseball, in comparison. We eat it up, can't get enough of it, and will watch the sorriest matchup in history if it is the only game on TV. 

Which brings me to my point. A football fan will watch any game if it is the only game available. So...WHAT IF...the NFL played six days a week? (My original plan called for seven days a week, but I'm reminded that Saturday is college football day, and that would not sit well with the American football watching public to mix it up like that.)

The season would still be 17 weeks long, you'd just have fewer games per day. There are 32 teams, which makes 15 games a week, allowing for two teams having a bye every week. So, two games on Monday, two on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. On Sunday you'd have two early games, two late games and one night game. If a team plays on a Monday, to avoid fatigue and allow for jet-lag recovery, that team plays the following week on a Tuesday.  It would be a scheduling nightmare, to be sure, but not one that some innovative programmer couldn't overcome. A fan could conceivably watch every game all season long, granted with a little back and forth on the remote control between the games happening simultaneously.

What about the other TV shows that would get bumped if CBS, FOX or NBC were to take this on? Oh, how sad it would be if 2 Broke Girls or Whitney or one more CSI wasn't available. Move it to another night or time. If the networks follow the money, which they will, they know that the NFL is a ratings bonanza. Let ESPN and ESPN 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and The Ocho get in on the bidding. Advertising, dollars, ratings, licensing, perhaps even stadium attendance will be affected. (We all know that a nationally televised game fills seats better than one only available in the local market.)

I'm sure there are too many interests involved in a plan like this for it ever to really happen, the most powerful likely being the NFL and their precious NFL Network, but I'm throwing it out there. Football fans and football haters are invited to weigh in in the comments section. Tell me why I'm wrong, why this won't work, or what we could do to make it happen. If you're a fan of Whitney, just be quiet. That show is getting canceled and you know it.    

Ricky Gervais is The King of Comedy

Who else could get Patrick Stewart, David Bowie and now Liam Neeson to do these deadpan skits? The man is a flat-out genius. If you disagree, you're just wrong and that's all there is to it.

Allow Me to Endorse Something

Readers of this blog know I'm not in the habit of praising very many products. I have endorsed a chili sauce once and have likely professed my love of an ice cold Coca-Cola now and again.

So here's a little nine-dollar thing that makes life easier. It's an iPhone bike cradle. Fits the 3 or the 4. If you're doing rough, mountain riding, some reviews say it might slip out, fall and break, thus pissing you off to the point that you will write a scathing one-star review on Amazon. I have not taken it off-road yet, but so far, it stays in nicely. So when you're riding and that song comes up that you can't stand anymore, it's an easy job to skip ahead to the next tune. Or just keep your iPhone on Maps and watch your progress as you navigate through town.

So far, Casa de Jeptpacks has ordered two of these from this place.

No, I am not compensated in any way for mentioning this. Just a friendly tip for my fellow bicyclists.

Saturated Street Scenes: Prague

I'm calling this one "Lo, I Am With You Always"

Across the Vltava River from downtown Prague, Czech Republic, (where there is no shortage of opportunities for western dining, including a TGIF's and nearly a dozen McDonald's) is a nice public park called Letenske Sady. It was in that park one beautiful day on an unknown date that the Google Street View camera came across the scene of an innocent childhood game amongst some girls.

Creepy lurking clown sold separately.

Click for the large

You can view the actual scene here.

And all of the Saturated Street Scenes are here.

The Vet and The Noob

When I first saw this, I thought, "Wow - a new movie starring Jonah Hill and Sam Worthington that looks like it's based on a video game." Wrong, it's a video game commercial starring Jonah Hill and Sam Worthington.



Some may deride the stars for "selling out." But unlike a guy like Clooney, who only sells out overseas while maintaining the illusion of the pure and noble movie star here at home, these guys said, "You know what? It's Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3! How do we say 'No' to this?" And they sell it well. Something tells me Hill is a gamer anyway and the fanboy in him was more than happy to be a part of this promotion. Beautifully shot, acted and directed, this will help sell the hell out of the game, arriving on Tuesday and already the most pre-ordered title in gaming history. Dwight Howard of the Orlando Magic makes a brief cameo at the end.

And is this a slimmed down Jonah Hill? Unlike his neo-brat pack brother Seth Rogen, it looks like he didn't lose his comedy skills when he lost weight.

Herman Cain's New Ad: Smokin'

Herman Cain's 9-9-9 tax plan, which vaulted him to the lead of the pack of 87 Republican hopefuls, was a nice soundbite at first, but has since been quickly gutted by all the other candidates, not to mention the pundits as well as the poor people who can't afford 9% of nothing. But Cain has taken that early jump in popularity to produce the strangest, perhaps coolest ad a presidential hopeful has made in years. It's nearly avant garde, it's so different.



There are no gloriously billowing flags. Cain is not featured with his sleeves rolled up, engaging in tough talk with farmers and laborers or happily mingling with families and babies. The Statue of Liberty is absent, along with the stirring narrative of one man's rise from nothing to a powerful and rich man.

All we get is Cain's Chief of Staff, Mark Block, looking haggard and road-weary, talking to us head-on in a nearly too close close-up in front of a city building. And then! AND THEN he takes a drag from his smoke and exhales. It is the last thing you'd ever expect to see and yet it is perfection. It might even be a subtle dig at the rumors that Obama has never really kicked his nicotine habit.

And they finish the ad with, as expected, an image of Cain himself, and yet it is not at all what you'd expect in the end-of-spot image of the candidate. The background appears to be simple, vertical window blinds, and a slow, nearly eerie smile creeps across Cain's face.

I think Cain's people have just changed the game of political advertising. Shepherd Fairey was a game-changer with his "Hope" poster, but this thing is nearly an indie film. I expect to see some unexpected people taking a fresh look at Cain after this.

Saturated Street Scenes - Madrid, Spain

In front of the US Embassy. Uncle Sam and Aunt Samantha sold separately.

Click for the big.