Subject Line: Fall Into Savings

Yes, they went there. NICE WORK, Grainger.

But the bad copy doesn't stop there...

Rake in! Get it? 
But you're wondering what that free gift might be after you spend $299, aren't you?

I did the research for you. Get ready, 'cause this is a MIND BLOWER...

Aw, yeah!

Oh, and there's this:

1. Offer valid for the intended recipient only and may not be combined with any other promotions or price discounts.

2. Offer applies to online purchases only for orders shipped within the 48 contiguous United States.

3. The qualifying purchase for the Oversized Steak Knife Set is defined as a single order that totals $299 or more (excluding tax and freight) on Grainger.com.

4. Purchases placed on Grainger Repair Parts Order Form, Custom Sign Center, Custom Filter Center, and sourced or special order items do not qualify for this offer.

5. Customers participating in the Grainger for Your eProcurement Solutions program do not qualify for this offer.

6. Limit one promotional item per qualified Customer, per account.

7. Purchases must be received by Grainger (and a Full Rights user must approve the purchase) between 12:01 a.m. CT Oct. 28, 2015 and 11:59 p.m. CT on Nov. 24, 2015.

8. To receive the free gift, you MUST include the promotional code in the Promotion Code Box on the Grainger.com order form.

9. Quantities are limited and are available while supplies last; in the event that supplies are exhausted, Grainger may substitute an item of similar value.

10. The approximate retail value of the Oversized Steak Knife Set is $30.35.

11. The promotional item will be shipped separately from your Grainger.com purchase.

12. Please allow 6-8 weeks after promotion end date for delivery.

13. If entering a trade promotion or acceptance by you of a free gift is a violation of your company’s policies, do not participate in this promotion.

14. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.

15. Government and Healthcare employees are not eligible for free offers. Employees of W.W. Grainger, Inc. and its subsidiaries and affiliates are not eligible for free items.

16. Grainger.com purchases are subject to Grainger’s Terms of Sale.

17. Grainger and Grainger.com are registered trademarks of W.W. Grainger, Inc.

18. For more information regarding any of the trademarks used herein, please go to our Terms of Access, Trademarks Section of our website.

We'll Stop When Someone Sues. Meantime, We SELL!

Get Rich Telling People How to Get Rich

I'm not familiar with this happy-looking rich dad, but he's apparently some sort of Tony Robbins and he's going to teach you how to be rich, like him.

Well, he won't, but one of his lieutenants will.

Note the sad fine print: "Robert Kiyosaki will not be in attendance."

The All-Absolving Asterisk

It gets readable if you click it.

Cynical Graffiti

Stereo surround and DVR, a six-foot screen
Send a geek on call for the custom install
And while you’re at it – keep it green

Two sunroofs are better than one in a leased SUV
300 horse (professional driver, closed course)
and the headrests play DVDs

You’re leaving the casino with you’re-not-sure-who
Blame your restless leg meds for those thoughts in your head
Side effects make you gamble and screw

Trade some stocks on the road from your musical phone
Down a vitamin water and text your daughter
She’s on MySpace so she’s never alone

What’s in your wallet? Can you hear me now?
Shift it, rearrange it, you're the agent who can change it
Making sure it’s got plenty of “wow”

Satan's Claws

Nevermind the nativity scenes, we've got fatter fish to fry.

Poor Santa, now even the pagan symbols of this holiday (can I say "Holiday?") are under fire from the arbiters of offensiveness.

Time to reissue my greeting card.















*PLEASE READ THIS MERRY CHRISTMAS AGREEMENT (the “Agreement”) CAREFULLY BEFORE ASSUMING ANY SEMBLANCE OF CHRISTMAS SPIRIT CONVEYED BY Where's My Jetpack? (“WMJP”), INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, HAPPINESS, CHEER, WARMTH AND ANY AND ALL OTHER POSITIVE FEELINGS BROUGHT ABOUT BY THE HOLIDAY. YOUR ASSUMPTION OF MERRINESS FROM WMJP IS EXPRESSLY CONDITIONED ON YOUR ACCEPTANCE OF THIS AGREEMENT. BY ACCEPTING WMJP’S CHRISTMAS GREETINGS THROUGH WMJP OR ONE OF WMJP’S AFFILIATES, PARTNERS, OR REPRESENTATIVES, YOU SIGNIFY YOUR AGREEMENT TO BE BOUND BY EACH OF THE TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO BE BOUND BY EACH OF THE TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT, YOU MUST NOT ACCEPT WMJP’S WISHES FOR A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Recipient assumes all responsibility for any merriness that Christmas may bring. WMJP is not liable to The Recipient or any third party whether in contract, warranty, tort (including negligence) or otherwise, for any lack of merriness including, but not limited to grumpiness, grouchiness, lethargy, sloth, greed, spite, envy, or other lack of Holiday Cheer no matter how it was induced, implied or otherwise brought about.

In no event will WMJP be liable for any type or degree of loss of Holiday Cheer or Christmas Spirit caused by any event beyond its control, including but not limited to government restrictions, natural disasters, terrorist acts, wars, riots, strikes and other Acts of God.

In no way is the conveyance of Christmas Greetings intended to endorse the ideals, practices, doctrines or theologies of any particular religion, living or dead. Any implied injury to or neglect of other December Holidays is purely unintentional and not the responsibility of WMJP.

In the event of a dispute between The Recipient and WMJP, The Recipient and WMJP agree that a prompt and fair resolution, without the time and expense of formal court proceedings, would be in both parties’ mutual interests. All disputes shall be submitted to final and binding arbitration to be conducted in Seminole County, Florida, or a location closest to Seminole County, Florida if no such location for the chosen arbitration body exists there.

These Terms represent the entire understanding and agreement between you and WMJP regarding the Christmas Holiday, and supersedes all other previous agreements, understandings and/or representations regarding the same.