Friday, November 16, 2007

Satan's Claws



















Nevermind the nativity scenes, we've got fatter fish to fry.

Poor Santa, now even the pagan symbols of this holiday (can I say "Holiday?") are under fire from the arbiters of offensiveness.

Time to reissue my greeting card.















*PLEASE READ THIS MERRY CHRISTMAS AGREEMENT (the “Agreement”) CAREFULLY BEFORE ASSUMING ANY SEMBLANCE OF CHRISTMAS SPIRIT CONVEYED BY Where's My Jetpack? (“WMJP”), INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, HAPPINESS, CHEER, WARMTH AND ANY AND ALL OTHER POSITIVE FEELINGS BROUGHT ABOUT BY THE HOLIDAY. YOUR ASSUMPTION OF MERRINESS FROM WMJP IS EXPRESSLY CONDITIONED ON YOUR ACCEPTANCE OF THIS AGREEMENT. BY ACCEPTING WMJP’S CHRISTMAS GREETINGS THROUGH WMJP OR ONE OF WMJP’S AFFILIATES, PARTNERS, OR REPRESENTATIVES, YOU SIGNIFY YOUR AGREEMENT TO BE BOUND BY EACH OF THE TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO BE BOUND BY EACH OF THE TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT, YOU MUST NOT ACCEPT WMJP’S WISHES FOR A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Recipient assumes all responsibility for any merriness that Christmas may bring. WMJP is not liable to The Recipient or any third party whether in contract, warranty, tort (including negligence) or otherwise, for any lack of merriness including, but not limited to grumpiness, grouchiness, lethargy, sloth, greed, spite, envy, or other lack of Holiday Cheer no matter how it was induced, implied or otherwise brought about.

In no event will WMJP be liable for any type or degree of loss of Holiday Cheer or Christmas Spirit caused by any event beyond its control, including but not limited to government restrictions, natural disasters, terrorist acts, wars, riots, strikes and other Acts of God.

In no way is the conveyance of Christmas Greetings intended to endorse the ideals, practices, doctrines or theologies of any particular religion, living or dead. Any implied injury to or neglect of other December Holidays is purely unintentional and not the responsibility of WMJP.

In the event of a dispute between The Recipient and WMJP, The Recipient and WMJP agree that a prompt and fair resolution, without the time and expense of formal court proceedings, would be in both parties’ mutual interests. All disputes shall be submitted to final and binding arbitration to be conducted in Seminole County, Florida, or a location closest to Seminole County, Florida if no such location for the chosen arbitration body exists there.

These Terms represent the entire understanding and agreement between you and WMJP regarding the Christmas Holiday, and supersedes all other previous agreements, understandings and/or representations regarding the same.

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5 Comments:

  • Hell, yeah, I want protection from holiday cheer.

    The whole thing just makes me grumpy.

    By Blogger JT Taylor, at November 16, 2007 at 4:06 PM  

  • and somewhere in Austrailia Santa has to use discretion when he says HO HO HO, as not to offend women. Only women with a twisted view of history could take offense to this.

    By Blogger warbird2010, at November 16, 2007 at 5:17 PM  

  • JP, send me a Holiday Card. Please, no Man in a Red Suit and no Family Tree, no reference to December 25th, religious or otherwise. No Inanimate Object Made of Snow, no mention of Holiday or Card, no Frozen Water or Rangifer Tarandus or Little People or a place North of Canada.

    Just send me a blank piece of paper with a disclaimer please and a phone number to your PR office.

    By Blogger Joshua Shaner, at November 16, 2007 at 5:23 PM  

  • Your disclaimer’s references to Christmas would never have passed through legal. Holiday is the proper term to replace the religious-rooted Christmas. Seasons greetings works too, so long as you’re not too specific about which season. I’ve worked for major advertisers that aren’t even comfortable showing a decorated tree, as it displays religious meanings. Remember too, Santa is a saint.

    By Blogger HighJive, at November 16, 2007 at 10:14 PM  

  • And like pharma, the legal copy will be two pages long, even if the ad is blank.

    By Blogger Make the logo bigger, at November 17, 2007 at 11:52 PM  

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