Meet Your New King

This is Mark Zuckerberg, boy genius and Emperor of Facebookistan. Recently he decreed that henceforth throughout his realm, everything you had was to be brought to his throne. There was much outcry throughout the land upon the Emperor's announcement, and so the Emperor, in his benevolence and wisdom, has sought to explain to the peasants just what exactly he meant by, "You own nothing and everything is mine!"

From the pen of one of the court scribes of His Excellence, Zuckerberg:

More than 175 million people use Facebook. If it were a country, it would be the sixth most populated country in the world. Our terms aren't just a document that protect our rights; it's the governing document for how the service is used by everyone across the world. Given its importance, we need to make sure the terms reflect the principles and values of the people using the service.

He is asking for your help, citizens, in crafting the new, revised Facebook Bill of Rights and Responsibilities.

I don't think I need to read much more. Here we have a man whose exploding business has exploded his head. In his mind, he runs a country now.

I'm about to become a Facebook ex-pat.

Satan's Claws

Nevermind the nativity scenes, we've got fatter fish to fry.

Poor Santa, now even the pagan symbols of this holiday (can I say "Holiday?") are under fire from the arbiters of offensiveness.

Time to reissue my greeting card.















*PLEASE READ THIS MERRY CHRISTMAS AGREEMENT (the “Agreement”) CAREFULLY BEFORE ASSUMING ANY SEMBLANCE OF CHRISTMAS SPIRIT CONVEYED BY Where's My Jetpack? (“WMJP”), INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, HAPPINESS, CHEER, WARMTH AND ANY AND ALL OTHER POSITIVE FEELINGS BROUGHT ABOUT BY THE HOLIDAY. YOUR ASSUMPTION OF MERRINESS FROM WMJP IS EXPRESSLY CONDITIONED ON YOUR ACCEPTANCE OF THIS AGREEMENT. BY ACCEPTING WMJP’S CHRISTMAS GREETINGS THROUGH WMJP OR ONE OF WMJP’S AFFILIATES, PARTNERS, OR REPRESENTATIVES, YOU SIGNIFY YOUR AGREEMENT TO BE BOUND BY EACH OF THE TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO BE BOUND BY EACH OF THE TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT, YOU MUST NOT ACCEPT WMJP’S WISHES FOR A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Recipient assumes all responsibility for any merriness that Christmas may bring. WMJP is not liable to The Recipient or any third party whether in contract, warranty, tort (including negligence) or otherwise, for any lack of merriness including, but not limited to grumpiness, grouchiness, lethargy, sloth, greed, spite, envy, or other lack of Holiday Cheer no matter how it was induced, implied or otherwise brought about.

In no event will WMJP be liable for any type or degree of loss of Holiday Cheer or Christmas Spirit caused by any event beyond its control, including but not limited to government restrictions, natural disasters, terrorist acts, wars, riots, strikes and other Acts of God.

In no way is the conveyance of Christmas Greetings intended to endorse the ideals, practices, doctrines or theologies of any particular religion, living or dead. Any implied injury to or neglect of other December Holidays is purely unintentional and not the responsibility of WMJP.

In the event of a dispute between The Recipient and WMJP, The Recipient and WMJP agree that a prompt and fair resolution, without the time and expense of formal court proceedings, would be in both parties’ mutual interests. All disputes shall be submitted to final and binding arbitration to be conducted in Seminole County, Florida, or a location closest to Seminole County, Florida if no such location for the chosen arbitration body exists there.

These Terms represent the entire understanding and agreement between you and WMJP regarding the Christmas Holiday, and supersedes all other previous agreements, understandings and/or representations regarding the same.