Let Me Be Your Bucket of Cold Water

A local marketing group I'm part of on Linked-In is discussing how to make a video "go viral." I'd weigh in with my point of view, but the seriousness with which they are tackling this subject lets me know that I would once again be the bucket of cold water guy to this group of "professionals" who are every day trying to take on "important" issues, discussing them in the most banal and nauseating terms, all while getting in plugs for their own experience and awesomeness. Yesterday they were talking about how to best "leverage" social and mobile within the new high speed rail trains and stations that are someday going to make traveling to Tampa from Orlando a little easier. I pointed out that the thing won't be done until 2015, if we're very lucky, and to even discuss apps as they exist today in relation to 2015 would be like putting all your ad dollars in MySpace five years ago. As the thing nears completion, maybe we can look to Europe or Asia and find out what they're doing. I was quickly and politely dismissed as "short-sighted" by some "executives" with very serious and professional profile pictures. This has always been my problem among marketers; I tend to tell them they are full of shit and they tend to exclude me from their games. From what I can tell, Linked-In is becoming an incestuous cesspool of blowhards all blowing one another. No one speaks real, they are all there to impress, land consulting or speaking gigs, get jobs and tout how important they are. I realize it's not Facebook, but the masquerade is not something I enjoy. 

Seriously, it's 2011. Are marketing professionals still talking about how to make something "go viral?" Didn't we dispense with this notion a few years ago? It just points to the sinister (or perhaps simply clueless) nature of so many in this business. They approach marketing as "How can we fool you?"

Forgive me if you've heard this before, but here is my marketing philosophy:

Let's not talk about "engaging the consumer." Let's not talk about "maximizing the customer experience." While we're at it, let's avoid a discussion about "interacting with the brand." Let's make it simpler. Let's talk about something else.

Respect. And honesty.

We've lost it. Or maybe we never had it to lose. We still think we can pull the wool over the eyes of our audiences and somehow smooth-talk them into acting. And if we can't smooth-talk them, we'll baffle them with big words and giant promises that are cleverly covered by the legal department with fine print denoted by an asterisk.

People sense it. They know it when they see or hear it. And believe it or not, the principles of Respect and Honesty can even be applied in the most shameful advertising known to man; Direct Mail.

There. I've just given away my secrets. I guess you won't need me now for creative consulting.

(I'm actually holding another couple cards up my sleeve, but really, those two are the Aces.)

Or maybe I'm just in the wrong line of work.

Direct Mail Dogs

It's orange, so it looks like the utility company sent it. It's stark, like a utility company would do, but they would probably say "Water Alert" if this emergency-looking card was from them. They would also use their logo. And they would not send it by bulk mail. They'd hang it on your door. But when Grandma gets this, she goes, "Oh noooo! Did I forget to pay the water bill?" Grandma probably won't look that number up online and find the word "suspicious" in a lot of the search results. She'll probably call it, and hear a recorded message announce very firmly (and within the guidelines of the law established to protect consumers from ravenous wolves like ourselves) that if you received a card that says, "Water Update!" please be informed that we are not associated with any city, county or government water agency and that we are a water purification company.

And so you call it again, hoping to hear the name of the company that the hosebag bastard announcer ever-so-cleverly slurs at the beginning of the message. (Thank you for calling "Jaws of Orlando," it sounds like. Might've been "Pureov of Orlando.") Dick Jaws wants Granny to leave her name and address and he will rush a brochure out to her, which will be followed by, what next? Is it time for the rep to come out and do the demo, show Granny how she's gonna die from all the filth and scum that she ingests everyday through the tap? How her untreated water is eating her skin alive, like so much acid and wind and sand? Just for listening to the spiel, I'm sure there's a lovely gift incentive for her. But only if Granny is so off her rocker that she called them after receiving their brochure, which was probably full of scary headlines and ugly, germy pictures, appealing to her hypochondria. But I think by this time even ol' Gramma knows what's up with these rascals. She believes in honest dealin', and these fellas, well, they sorta tried to trick her.

That is a whole lot of hoops you're expecting really ignorant people to jump through there, asshole water purifier people. But as an old, foolish ad man once told me, "Unethical is not illegal."

We're Putting Cosmetic Surgeons Out of Business

It started with "iQ SkinTensive" and their amazing Fountain of Youth Flash banners. Now everyone with a moisturizer to sell has adopted the "old lady gets young" theme, only they're really pushing the boundaries of truthfulness lately. C'mon, people, we're in advertising! We tell the truth!

This woman doesnt just appear younger, she has actually changed ethnicities. She was a 70 year-old Native American from Arizona, now she is a 25-year old Swede. Amazing shit. Results not typical. Simulated imagery.

Previously in "Miracle Wonder Cream's Lying Flash Banners":

From Decaying Corpse to Radiant Beauty in One Application

Individual Results May Vary

Fine print is small – don’t read it all
It says what it must – as if you can’t trust
Would I lie to you? Would I tell you untrue?
If I can get in – give it just the right spin
I sell apples to Eve – and make her believe

that she’s a failure, a victim, she needs her eyes opened
Her man’s a pansy, substandard, and lacking in size
She’s wrinkled, small-breasted, bad mother, lover, wife
until she buys the thing to revolutionize her life*

*From Seller in the Cellar, a forthcoming song on a forthcoming project.

The All-Absolving Asterisk

It gets readable if you click it.