We're Putting Cosmetic Surgeons Out of Business

It started with "iQ SkinTensive" and their amazing Fountain of Youth Flash banners. Now everyone with a moisturizer to sell has adopted the "old lady gets young" theme, only they're really pushing the boundaries of truthfulness lately. C'mon, people, we're in advertising! We tell the truth!

This woman doesnt just appear younger, she has actually changed ethnicities. She was a 70 year-old Native American from Arizona, now she is a 25-year old Swede. Amazing shit. Results not typical. Simulated imagery.

Previously in "Miracle Wonder Cream's Lying Flash Banners":

From Decaying Corpse to Radiant Beauty in One Application

Individual Results May Vary

Fine print is small – don’t read it all
It says what it must – as if you can’t trust
Would I lie to you? Would I tell you untrue?
If I can get in – give it just the right spin
I sell apples to Eve – and make her believe

that she’s a failure, a victim, she needs her eyes opened
Her man’s a pansy, substandard, and lacking in size
She’s wrinkled, small-breasted, bad mother, lover, wife
until she buys the thing to revolutionize her life*

*From Seller in the Cellar, a forthcoming song on a forthcoming project.

From Decaying Corpse to Radiant Beauty in One Application

I know I've blogged about these banner ads before, but this one was so striking I had to post it. That is some seriously magical lotion.*

* Simulated imagery. Results not typical. In fact, results are seriously not typical at all. They are nothing like this. This woman went from Lizard Lady to Disney Princess in no time, and that ain't happening for you. Ever. She lost 70 years off her appearance, like backwards from the dead lady Jack Nicholson was making out with in The Shining.

Brazilian Bikini Wax For Sixty-Nine

Spirit Airlines, those innocent people who brought us the MILF promo a while back, are at it again in what they will claim has nothing to do with anything and everyone should just keep their dirty minds out of the gutter.

In this Flash animation on their homepage, a $469 fare (on a woman's stomach, no less) has the "4" waxed off to reveal a 69¢ fare.

Clever...I think...or not. I don't know. Just bizarre. And attention getting. See it here for as long as it lasts.

Big Love for Network Solutions

I like these banners for Network Solutions where the old man’s mouth moves like a marionette’s as he talks about his 36 brides in some sort of unsubtle joke about polygamy. The casting is great, if you can call picking a picture of an old man for a banner campaign “casting.”

It’s the crude cutout nature of it that works for me. Not unlike the men’s faces affixed to screaming girls in the Baconator spot.

Not that the ads get me to go to Network Solutions. GoDaddy stole my “mindshare” for that market years ago when they undercut everybody on domain name pricing.

And doesn't "Network Solutions" have such a late 90s ring to it? So World Wide Web. But I guess they were ahead of their time, since the company was founded in 1979.

Go to the Interview Without Your Pants

You know there is no way this got through the agency (and the client) wihout someone making a joke about "I got your dangling carrot right here." To which someone else replied, "Yeah, a baby carrot."

And then the two clowns had to go to HR for special training, because someone overheard them and felt offended and demeaned.

Or maybe it's just me. "Dangling your carrot" should not immediately make people think of such things. I need special training.

Banner ad found at the Los Angeles Times.

There's an Article In Here Somewhere

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