Evil Creative Director Says

It's The Wrong Tone

Before I was workforce reduced from my last gig at an under-the-radar marketing firm here in O-town, I wrote the agency some new web copy. (The client runs the show, and he was an incompetent tool, and he apparently didn't appreciate me thinking so out loud. Plus he made it clear he wanted his writer on-site in Miami, which meant sitting at his feet for 10 hours a day taking notes as he uttered profundities from his spittle-spattered, fat mouth.) Anyway, the copy the owner had on the site began: "Welcome! Let's face it, the difference between a good company and a great one is the quality of the people." Other gems included: "We approach everything we do with strong determination, intense passion and continual focus on meeting the objectives of our clients." Golden, I'm sure you'll agree. It's what everyone says and it's why I hate most small to medium agency sites. (For more on this, see here.)

That new copy has still not appeared, along with the new design someone spent a long time on. The agency is apparently having problems with their web design firm in Rochester. Yes, a small Orlando marketing firm went to Rochester to get a website. This was after an extensive, nationwide search that included a trip to New York City. You know how it is, the small shop owner wants to play big-shot, so they "tour the facility" of a potential vendor, make them feed them lunch and then get in a round of golf. Nevermind that sitting in the office of the agency were at least four people with the skills to build the small site required.

Two months ago I heard that the new site is "Going live this week!" It still hasn't. And this agency, like way too many others, faces the potential client with silly cliches and sound-alike copy that they think sets them apart from everyone else.

And honestly, the only reason I even wrote this was so that I could embed this clip from the Academy Award Winning film* Joe Dirt.



* No, it really didn't, but it should've SWEPT!

One Size Fits All and the Death of Creativity

(Click it for the big picture)

Pet Peeve

Bigger

The Invasion of the Giant Doctors

Minimally invasive? Hmmmm. Three monster doctors of Mount Sinai Medical Center in Miami storm the city in this juvenile Photoshop disaster.

Giant Man Plays God in Photoshop Nightmare

Northwestern Mutual, what are you doing here? The man's worries are golfing, fishing, photography and relaxing in an innertube on a lake?

OK, so weird and incomprehensible is your ad that I will actually read the copy in an attempt to understand it. Nope. That didn't work. Guess I will have to go to your website, letyourworriesgo.com and figure this out.

Oh, now I get it.

No, I don't.

I'm in a beautiful landscape where I can choose a rocket, a balloon or a submarine to launch my worries away. (I cannot, however, choose to turn off the incessant and annoying birdsong loop.) My "worries" are again represented by people whom I drag into my vehicle of choice. (Fun: drag them high in the sky and let them go and watch as they fall to earth.) OK, vehicle finally loaded (damn, that was tedious) and off they go! All those people jettisoned into space, never to be heard from again!

Finally, the "explanation" for all this silliness. Northwestern Mutual is interested in eliminating "societal worries" like hunger, natural disasters, financial security and retirement planning. They have $1 million to give away.
Wow. That was such a long and disjointed journey. But now you know that Northwestern Mutual cares about you and wants to alleviate your worries. Seriously, that's why they are in the business of wealth management. Because they care.

Marketers Will Tell You When to Drink

And since Cinco de Mayo is on a Monday this year, they've turned this weekend into "Cinco de Mayo Weekend." That's an extra day of beer sales! Just as Guinness wants you to celebrate "St. Patrick's Season," Corona, Dos Equis and Tecate are on the air with ads, along with Jose Cuervo, Patron and I'm sure a variety of salsa makers, urging you to party like a frat boy on Spring Break in Cancún, Mexico's most Americanized location. Or party like a Girl Gone Wild at Daytona Beach, one of Florida's skankiest beaches.

Cinco de Mayo is a celebration of Mexican heritage and pride, observed primarily in the US, and though the beer makers would have you believe it is Mexican Independence Day, that is just a very-well marketed myth that has served to increase beer sales. It's not a holiday in Mexico. It's a reason to party in America.

Dos Quis has trotted out their "Most Interesting Man in the World" ads again, and their website is a pretty interesting bunch of discoveries based on the character. The "Most Interesting Man" reminds me somewhat of Chris Christmas Rodriguez, an overly macho character who makes you laugh as he redefines what it means to be a man.


For Corona's part, they're sticking with the beach thing, where bottles and limes are the main focus and life is a very relaxed party for two. Their website is a vertigo inducing exercise in finding the usual objects like desktop backgrounds, commercials and pictures.


Tecate, sadly, is under construction. No "interacting with the brand" here. Nobody "experiencing" Tecate. This is also the only site that is bilingual. By their placeholder pictures, one can assume Tecate favors a futbol-loving culture.

And does anyone really think that requiring a visitor to enter their age on an alcohol website will keep minors from entering an alcohol website? Time to get rid of that ridiculous custom.

So wear a silly hat, make embarrassing mariachi noises and shake your maracas while you down plenty of Mexican beer and tequila. It'd be the American thing to do.

A Jag by Any Other Name Would be a Ford

I've said it before, Jaguars look like Hyundais these days and Hyundais look like Jaguars. Now Jaguar has a new seizure inducing website to introduce the new XF. The Flash overkill on this site is like those rock guitarists who make all kinds of noise by turning up the gain and distortion and then running a pick all up and down the strings. It's not friendly to the eyes at all. What I noted most about the new XF is that they've removed the iconic Jaguar hood ornament from the vehicle. Shame.

There's an Article In Here Somewhere

Click to read

Grannies in a Landslide

Rob Mosley of Nonsense, a London-based agency, has asked if I would comment on his firm's contest to determine which website concept they should go with. (You may go and vote now.) His actual email subject line was "Worth a mention? Or plain old turd?" Having been forced in the past to write direct response emails, I always appreciate a good subject line.

I will play middle of the road broadcaster here and say "They're all very worthy concepts." Billboard, Bulletin Board and Grannies are great ideas. I will predict, however, that Grannies will shred the other two in competition. (I still disagree with Stuart, who commented over at AdRants that I didn't understand what I was talking about when I said Bulletin Board had been done by Firehouse Dallas, as designed by James H. of Yonder Ponder.)

Just as it's always been somewhat "underground funny/cool/hip" to like bacon, you can't go wrong with Grannies. They're out of touch with the culture (hopefully), generally full of wisdom and usually good for a laugh (unless they've started to lose their minds and drool regularly). Not to draw too many comparisons between Grannies and bacon, but hopefully you know what I mean.

And an excellent use of social media on the part of Nonsense to get the word out about their agency. See? It can be done.

Stop With Your Stupid Target = "Blank"

If I'm clicking on a link that leaves your website, then it's perfectly fine for you to want to keep the page I was on displayed in a separate browser instance. I may not have finished what I was reading on your site and following a link that exits your website may mean that I never make it back to your site.



But if you're linking me to other pages of your website, I don't need a separate browser instance for each click. That's not only dumb, it's rude and annoying. Almost as bad as those jerks who won't let you hit the back button on your browser after you land on their homepage. "Haha! We got you now! You're staying on our site!" Wrong, I'm hitting the home button and making sure to avoid your site from now on.

Verbal Typo

Politicians usually get ignored when delivering their empty speeches to empty chambers, but one of Florida's Senators, Bill Nelson, is getting some unwanted radio and TV airtime for this poor choice of words delivered on the Senate floor recently.


The word, of course, has different meanings, and it could be argued that he was speaking of "social intercourse," but in an age when every misstep in public life is amplified on YouTube and then scrutinized by bloggers with nothing better to do, I'll bet he wishes he could take it back. If he were running for office, some unscrupulous competitor might make a deal over this. As it is, it's just a nice old man who seems to have sex on the brain. It might even make a great military recruitment pitch: Army Strong: Plus the Best Sex You'll Ever Have.

On another note, the Senator's website is a nice changeup from the usual official government representative's site. Bill doesn't go for the top banner that features a waving American flag, nor is he posed in his dark blue suit with American flag lapel pin. He doesn't show the seal of the Senate or any of the other trappings common to most official government websites, like this awful, pandering iconic overload. Bill is trying to get all bloggy and social media on us. I like it, in contrast.

Interactive Eating

Click for bigness.
Photo taken on Highway A1A,
Saint Augustine Beach, FL.





Not only does this St. Augustine Beach, Florida ramshackle roadside restaurant offer Food, Fun and Magic (in addition to broiled shrimp for breakfast and "Treasure Ship"), but you can also have your web pages made here. And not just web pages...INTERNET web pages.