More or Less

You would expect nothing less from Trump, because who is more of an asshole than him?

This high class gent just paid close to $1,000 for that bed and who knows how much for the professional escort. But that smug look tells me money doesn't matter to him. He's all about rubbing it in your face the next day on the golf course.

The Ad I Couldn't Ignore

I've been taking a break from this blog for a while. Anyone can find ads and praise them or hate them. And there were so many of us out here doing it that it became an echo chamber where nothing was new and eventually, after all of us had mocked or loved, along comes Ad Week at the tail end of the cycle to show everyone an ad that everyone already saw and blogged about. (Must be layers of corporate approval going on over there.) But Sunday's paper presented me this riveting image that must be shared.

There are too many things to hate about this ad, but I'll start with the little girl. She's a brat. How do I know? She wears sunglasses. Her dad is too cool. Jeans and a blue blazer. Nothing says serious but cool like that tired combo. He's a shitty parent too. How do I know? His daughter wears sunglasses. The doorman wears a pork pie hat. And he gets down on one knee to high five the brat in the sunglasses. "That's how the black men do it here in the city, my little Princess," said Daddy. The pork pie hat is part of the hotel chain's logo. So hip. The giant "TLC" stands for "Tender Loving Comfort." Gross. And the hotel staff all "went through body language training to understand your needs before you even have to tell us!" Grosser. Here, let Chrissy tell you all about it, she's the "Chief Comfort Officer." Hippest. Grossest.

Optimism Defined

Missing since 1965, someone is still holding out hope that she'll be found.

Parents: Bust Your Wayward Daughters

VW is hyping its "low-speed corner illuminating headlights" on the 2013 CC with this full-page ad appearing in many publications.

This is a feature no one has cared about since it was first tried in the 1930s, so it was a tough sell for the people making this ad. "Big deal!" the copywriter said, "They only work at low speed. I can only see that being beneficial when your daughter, whose grades are slipping, is hiding in the bushes with that loser skater kid who needs his ass kicked."

And so they made an ad based on that.

If you've seen a new CC on the street, you know it's not a bad looking vehicle with way more going for it than this. Copy reads: "It's a simple solution that may lead to some complicated conversations."

Weak. 

Respect The Food (I Like an Ad)

I do not like mushrooms, unless they're shitaki, and grilled to a delicate crisp with lots of tangy marinade, disguising their once slimy and sickening texture.

But this photograph of a mushroom is awesome. And so is the headline. And the simple copy. And the simple call to action. The ad quietly conveys that SubZero is THE name in refrigeration, deserved or not. Microscopic Freshness is the message. (Easy financing available to qualified buyers.)

Locals Only: Let the Air Duct Cleaner Wars Begin!

It's Springtime! And that means quite a lot to the free magazine publishers who fill their pages with atrocious ads designed in-house by landscapers, pool cleaners, driveway resurfacers and these guys, the people who clean your air ducts so you don't die from allergens in your home's atmosphere. The following three ads were only pages apart from one another in the same issue of some sad rag that I only bothered to skim through to find bloggable material.

Companies A and B, below, both opted for the "Don't Let Your Little Girl Suffer" route, with toddlers in misery because their Mommys and Daddys don't care about them. The first attempts to do the "green" thing, adding the recycle symbol to the upper left. For what purpose is anyone's guess. I think they lose points for not explaining that, throwing it in as a stupid hook that might fool someone. Price point difference is only $1, so it's your call as to which little girl makes you feel the guiltiest. (Click images for larger.)

But Company C, below, is the winner for me. Not only is their price $3 less than the cheapest one above, but they are also "Organic"! Needless to say, their choice of imagery is far superior, going the "Nuclear Fallout at a Post-Apocalyptic Family Dinner" route.

They Didn't Even Mention "Windproof"

Except for pizza and porn, we don't make much of anything in the US anymore. Except Zippo lighters and the occasional eye-catching ad. Two simple points: "Guaranteed for life" and "Made in USA." Love the junkyard of disposable lighters, driving the first point home. They keep hidden a third point that Zippo was founded on: "Windproof."

But like the heirloom watch ads, I'd like to see a nice shot of an old biker passing his Zippo lighter down to his skater grandson.

I am Wolf-Boy, Hear me Howl

Retro ad time.

The old "Dude, be a man!" angle applied to the car that has always attracted men with insecurities. This one attempts to mock the dolts who drive sedans, station wagons and economy cars. Original copy, mostly. I've edited the third column.

Enhance the length and girth of this image

Previously in "I'm not a Corvette fan":

The Artificial Male Enhancer since 1953.

Stock Photography Fail

When you're shooting stock images and you want to portray "doctors," choose people who look like doctors. Try throwing a woman in there. A minority is quite popular these days.

When you're selecting an image for your own publication, creating an ad that is trying to solicit ads from medical professionals, choose an image that represents your audience, or at least an image that represents your audience's inflated image of itself.

My guess is the intended audience for this ad is not likely to respond to an image of a couple of B-grade, mousse-haired male models. Pretending to be doctors. These chumps have that air about them that says, "I'm going to be a huge deal someday." They will wake up in ten years to the suicide-inducing realization that they are being cast in ED commercials because they have that "impotent" look.

Oh, and can I have a couple of alternate headlines here? Your first clever instinct may not always be your best one.

Baseball is Boring - But You Won't Be Bored

When your advertising nearly apologizes for your reputation and tries to draw attention to other aspects of your product, I think you're off on the wrong foot. Like that movie, the name of which escapes me, where the agency designs a campaign for Volvo that says, "Boxy - but good."

Cooperstown, NY. The name instantly makes you think of the Baseball Hall of Fame. Cooperstown wants you to think of other things now and is trying to alter its image a bit with their website This is Cooperstown, on which they show lovely women and children enjoying things like The Farmer's Museum, the Opera, Food Tours and more.

The point is, ladies, that if your fat, baseball-obsessed husband insists on visiting that ridiculous shrine to America's pastime, you can have fun too, all by yourself, alone, lonely and sad, reminiscing of a time when he wasn't a jerk, and he'd accompany you on trips to the farmers' market and pretended to be interested in things like 19th Century landscapes. So while he's off drooling over pictures of dead ballplayers and old baseballs under glass, you can come and visit our empty art galleries with nicely polished floors, looking so sunny in your summer dress. Yes, we have art galleries, believe it or not.

Clever Twist to a Tired Template

Old school luxury apartment-home advertising is done one of three ways: an impressive rendering of the building exterior, a picture of the floor-plan, or a rendering of the fine interior with an optional young family (two children maximum limit) posing around a meal. A combination of two of those three options is also acceptable. The new school, best exemplified by Fontainebleau in collaboration with Victoria's Secret, is in a class by itself and deserves another post.

mas grande

This is the right side of a two-page spread for a building at 535 West End Ave in the Riverside Park neighborhood of Manhattan's UWS. (Did I get that right, New Yorkers?) The left side employed the interior rendering style. This is nothing groundbreaking, but they included a nice addition. The illuminated windows indicate sold residences, so you only need to imagine yourself living behind the darkened windows. (From $8.5 to $25 million.)

I'll take the fifth floor from the top.

There is a decent companion website, designed by dbox.

And this is apparently the actual corner where this fine structure will eventually stand, as it appears on Google Street Views. I added the surreal blue sky for that "artist's rendering" touch.

All Aboard The (Very Expensive) Hope Train

Macy's, Grey Goose, Darby Scott and others are "honoring" Barack Obama with advertising this morning in the The New York Times Magazine. Most of them just mention him in some way: a toast; a "we stand with" type tribute.

Steuben Glass, on the other hand, has upped the ante in the kitsch category with this $7,500 plate.

Own a piece of history with our exquisite 16” diameter commemorative plate created by the Steuben Design Team to mark the inauguration of America’s 44th President, Barack Hussein Obama. On the hand-polished convex surface of the plate Obama’s minutely detailed portrait is captured in brilliant crystal. The inscription beneath it pays tribute to the importance of the occasion. Mounted for display on an elegant brushed stainless steel base, this splendid keepsake is offered in an exclusive edition limited to a symbolic 44 examples. A collector’s prize, it will make an heirloom gift to be treasured for generations to come.

Limited edition of 44. Hurry, while supplies last.

Sir Smug & Son

Money Won't Buy You Happiness...
But It Can Sure Rent it For a Long Time.

I actually like the concept behind the ads for Patek Philippe watches - that you don't really own one, you just take care of it for your offspring - but their choice of models is bugging me. The man on the left could play a sophisticated Satan in a supernatural thriller, while the guy on the right is the perfect frat-boy, rich-kid stereotype who gets it in the end in a teen romantic comedy.

Click for maximum class envy

Here's more mean, watch advertising commentary.

Getting Way Too Close To Our Customers' Daughters

Today's New York Times Magazine has one of those multi-page supplements that advertise a country in the Middle East. This week, it's Ajman, "Jewel of the Gulf," or "Emerald of the Sand" or some such thing, as they are all known. As usual, it's a bunch of carefully scrubbed copy showcasing the desert boom of the United Arab Emirates, with glittering glass towers and opportunity at every corner. Sultans, Princes CEOs and Sheiks tell you in boring advertorial style that this is where you need to spend your money. "It's the new land of opportunity," their eyes implore from their official portraits.
And within this huge and very expensive PR piece are many easily mocked ads, and since it's early and I can't think yet, I'll go for the cheapest, easiest one. It's for Ajman Bank, where we see a young girl being given to the banker as his new bride as a down payment on a loan.

Anorexic Cougar Takes Son's Friend to Atlantic City

Click for bigness

"Can I have some quarters for the game-room, Mrs. Robinson?"

Nice pool. And maybe she's not that much older than him, but there's something in this image that suggests the lady may be a little senior to the boy she lounges with at The Water Club, an Atlantic City hotel in development. Maybe she just seems too classy and he seems more suited to an XBox ad. The website takes the prize for longest URL in luxury lodging. But they have some nice Flash work previewing the property. If Atlantic City is your thing.

Scanned from today's NYT Magazine.

Giant Man Plays God in Photoshop Nightmare

Northwestern Mutual, what are you doing here? The man's worries are golfing, fishing, photography and relaxing in an innertube on a lake?

OK, so weird and incomprehensible is your ad that I will actually read the copy in an attempt to understand it. Nope. That didn't work. Guess I will have to go to your website, letyourworriesgo.com and figure this out.

Oh, now I get it.

No, I don't.

I'm in a beautiful landscape where I can choose a rocket, a balloon or a submarine to launch my worries away. (I cannot, however, choose to turn off the incessant and annoying birdsong loop.) My "worries" are again represented by people whom I drag into my vehicle of choice. (Fun: drag them high in the sky and let them go and watch as they fall to earth.) OK, vehicle finally loaded (damn, that was tedious) and off they go! All those people jettisoned into space, never to be heard from again!

Finally, the "explanation" for all this silliness. Northwestern Mutual is interested in eliminating "societal worries" like hunger, natural disasters, financial security and retirement planning. They have $1 million to give away.
Wow. That was such a long and disjointed journey. But now you know that Northwestern Mutual cares about you and wants to alleviate your worries. Seriously, that's why they are in the business of wealth management. Because they care.

In Memory of the Victims of 9/11, Order a Pizza

There are probably more "New York Pizzerias" here in Florida than there are in New York. And it's a safe bet that when you step into one you will be greeted by black and white framed photos of Deniro, Pacino, Stallone, Sinatra and The Sopranos, among others. You can also bet that during your lunch or dinner, you will be treated to Frank Sinatra on the way-too-loud music overhead. There will be "I (heart) NY" shirts on the wall, posters of the Brooklyn Bridge, and perhaps a NY State license plate as well. It will be called a "ristorante" and be named "Manhattan," "Brooklyn," "Antonio's," or "Anthony's."


Not far from me is this place, offering us an ad this week in which we see the NYC skyline at top, complete with the Twin Towers. "In Memory of," they gently remind us. Then, just for one more bottom-of-the-barrel shameless cliché, they give us Lady Liberty serving a greasy pie.

Class, baby.

Long-Legged Lady in Glittery Gold Get-up Corrals Cow Couch

A Florida furniture store I have never been to nor shopped at is featuring this ad in print and outdoor this month. And on their website is this interesting image, not that they're trying to point you toward the woman's crotch or anything. Just a nice table.

Previously:
Furniture Ad Stimulates Lingerie Sales

Caribbean Jewelry Store Says “Stone The Woman!”

House of Rajah, on St. Thomas, US Virgin Islands, invites you to throw rocks at girls. “Rocks” as in “Diamonds!” Get it? Rocks=Diamonds? It’s a play on words! A-hahahahaha!

Allow me to explain the genius of the ad, should it perhaps be lost on you in its hidden and clever brilliance.

When we are young boys, we are taught that it’s not nice to hit girls, throw rocks at them or otherwise treat them cruelly. But in this case, we are permitted to “throw rocks” at them, as in “give them diamonds,” because, as you might know, “girls” love “rocks,” and while we must be nice to them, we occasionally screw up and find ourselves out of favor with them. When that happens, girls are quickly placated by shiny, expensive things. It shows them that we “love” them.

Previously in Horrendous Jewelry Word Play.

Orlando Weekly Loves You Long Time

Local law enforcement recently came down on the Orlando Weekly for knowingly selling ad space to prostitutes. Seems a few AEs were fully aware of what sorts of businesses they were placing ads for, and even coached the ladies on what could and could not be said in the form of ad copy. ("I don't know if the phrase 'Happy Ending' is how we wanna go with this one, uh...you said your name was Candy?")

The Orlando Weekly is just like any other metropolitan free paper that has the word "weekly" after the city name. It's full of underground music reviews, bar reviews, left-wing politics and ads for concerts, bars, gay chat lines and massage parlors. I grabbed a copy this morning at 7-11.

Looks like the AEs are still soliciting the same clients, perhaps with revised copy now.

Click for a better view of the ads