Star in It , Point Repeatedly and Feature Your Son

These are the rules of local car dealership ads. Variations on these rules include: son may be replaced with daughter, dog or trophy wife. Business owner may be replaced with local model who wants to be an actress so she had a boob job and can read a cue card while she walks in front of a line of cars. Pointing gesture can be replaced with The Double-Point/Smile^TM .

Bonus points to Mr. Qablawi for sound effects usage.

Immitation is the Sincerest Form of Admitting You've Got Nothing

A local Ford dealer has decided that copying a popular Geico campaign will help them sell cars and trucks. I think not. A forgettable, regrettable effort on the part of Tropical Ford, but so sad that I jumped up from a reclined position to find it on YouTube.

Addendum: THIS is How You Do Social Media

In my last post, I lambasted local car dealer David Maus for his Star Trek outfit. I alerted my Twitter followers to that post. Someone at David Maus caught wind of that and responded.

Now, they could've gone the corporate route of, "@Jetpacks, sorry you didn't like our commercials. Please DM me and let's see if we can resolve this situation."

Instead they went with humor. Detractor de-fanged and diffused, slightly amused. Observe:

Now, if I'd been an actual customer with a legitimate complaint like, "David Maus screwed me on my trade-in," or "David Maus sold me a lemon," then I've no doubt that the social media team would've dealt with me differently, but  THAT, businesses, is how to handle the random rabble on Twitter and Facebook and in the commentariat of YouTube. There's no need to "engage" us. You don't need to provide a solution to the assholes like me who are only out to mock you. Joke with us (while getting a plug in for your product) and we're far more likely to forgive your goofy attempts at marketing and, who knows, maybe consider you the next time we need a new or used car.

The Balance Bracelets Complete the Star Trek Uniform

And a belt-buckle from outer-space. This is David Maus, an Orlando car-dealer who basically owns the airwaves. Every traffic and weather report on the radio is sponsored by him. Every game on TV is interrupted by him. And in his latest ads, featuring his dealership's coffee shop, he sports the freakiest get-up for a car dealer since the checkered blazer. The Double-Point/Smile^TM at the end is Dave's trademark.

Locals Only: Let the Air Duct Cleaner Wars Begin!

It's Springtime! And that means quite a lot to the free magazine publishers who fill their pages with atrocious ads designed in-house by landscapers, pool cleaners, driveway resurfacers and these guys, the people who clean your air ducts so you don't die from allergens in your home's atmosphere. The following three ads were only pages apart from one another in the same issue of some sad rag that I only bothered to skim through to find bloggable material.

Companies A and B, below, both opted for the "Don't Let Your Little Girl Suffer" route, with toddlers in misery because their Mommys and Daddys don't care about them. The first attempts to do the "green" thing, adding the recycle symbol to the upper left. For what purpose is anyone's guess. I think they lose points for not explaining that, throwing it in as a stupid hook that might fool someone. Price point difference is only $1, so it's your call as to which little girl makes you feel the guiltiest. (Click images for larger.)

But Company C, below, is the winner for me. Not only is their price $3 less than the cheapest one above, but they are also "Organic"! Needless to say, their choice of imagery is far superior, going the "Nuclear Fallout at a Post-Apocalyptic Family Dinner" route.

Locals Only: Thou Shalt Not Steal

Here's a fine local CPA, with testimonials from satisfied clients attesting to his skill with numbers and things like that. Larry and his wife seem like nice folks, and to show you how nice, they will include a little bible quote at the bottom of their full-page ad along with a cross image. But this is not any cross image, it's the very recognizable "cross and flame" logo of the United Methodist Church, and the denomination has some very strict guidelines regarding the appropriation of their logo, none of which it appears Larry has followed.

But Larry is seeking that coveted demo: people who will only drink milk from a Christian cow, and he means no harm, I'm sure. He's just not good at legal stuff.

He's waiting for the cease and desist, I suppose. Easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. 
 

Robert Lee Sells Mobile Homes

This commercial tries very hard to be raw and real, and in it's trying, succeeds. It's the old "be more honest than you need to be" angle, with a fun and winking Chuck Norris B-movie vibe thrown into the production for fun.



And do you know how many guys in the South are named Robert Lee?

Watch the making of this commercial.

I'm Guessing It Was The Client's Idea

Dog, little girl, goofy costumes. This local car dealer is loading up on local car dealer stereotypes.

Locals Only: The Space That Eats Pizzerias

Just a short bike ride up the hill from Casa de Jetpacks, across the street from the Baptist church that flashes damning messages on its marquee to the local heathens, is a small cluster of shops that includes a grocery store, a dog groomer, a dance studio, a pharmacy, a Subway, a pool supply store, a liquor store, a Wendy's, a veterinarian, a convenience store and a hair salon. There is also a space apparently reserved just for pizzerias. In the six years I have lived in the area, it has been Anthony's, Antonio's, Alberto's and Victorio's. Each of these incarnations billed themselves as a "Ristorante/Pizzeria" with some sort of claim to "New York Style." I suspect the names were made up, since Alberto's was owned by a Serbian who employed Czech and Ukrainian waitresses and a Bolivian chef, but they played the Italian stereotype thing well. For many months in any given year, the space stands empty, daring the next entrepreneur to make a go of it. Christopher has accepted the challenge.

Like some modern day Arthur, Christopher is hoping to extract the fabled profit from this hard rock of a location where many other brave restaurateurs have failed. He is convinced that he alone is the One True King of Pizza who will rise above the countless "New York Style" pizzerias that pepper every strip mall in Florida. I really hope Chris makes it work. We tried his offerings last night and it was the exact same food the previous pizza pretenders created, the usual fare associated with such places; veal Marsala, eggplant Parmesan, fried calamari, pizza and pasta. They delivered. It was good.

While he has apparently simply made copies of the previous restaurants' menus, there is one thing Chris is doing differently that should work in his favor. I stopped in on the way home from work to grab a menu, and to my surprise there were no Chianti bottles on the tables with dripping candles stuck in them. I didn't see any "We Will Never Forget" 9/11 posters. There were none of those poorly painted Tuscan landscapes or faux brick windows adorned in painted vines and grapes. I didn't hear Frank "The Wank" Sinatra in the overhead music. No pictures of Stallone, Dean Martin, Pacino or De Niro. No Sopranos, no Godfather and no old Empire State license plates hanging on the walls.

Good luck, Christopher, if that's your real name.

Previously in Locals Only.

Across From Super Wal-Mart

We're on a restaurant theme here today at Where's My Jetpack.

Having spent a couple years at a mid-sized market network affiliate making local commercials for clients with no money, I can sympathize with the creators of sushi restaurant spots.

This one for a sushi bar in D'Ibervile, Mississippi covers all the bases.

• Stereotypical "Japanese" music bed? Check.
• Too much copy? Check.
• Cliché-ridden copy? No problem.
  
• Slow pans of restaurant by a guy who is really a news photog? Yep.
• Unappetizing food shots? Got it.
• Rushed voiceover by unprofessional voiceover talent? Done.
• End with view of exterior in a strip mall + phone number? But of course!
• Bonus: Easy locator landmark.
  

All Your Cameo Roles Are Belonging to Will Ferrell

If, like me, you like your comedy wrong, rude, over-the-top, disgusting, completely inappropriate and yet surprisingly subtle at times, then you will enjoy HBO's new show Eastbound & Down, starring the mulleted special effects guy from Tropic Thunder, Danny McBride, and produced by Will Ferrell. It's the sort of material that makes you cringe and laugh at the same time, with McBride playing a washed up baseball star with no shortage of ego. It's not for everyone. Says one commenter at Entertainment Weekly:

ya always funny to see two idiots snorting coke, and what about the way he treats females & children? If you all think this is the funniest thing you've seen, then this world is really sad..

Why so serious?

Here's a non-broadcast bit featuring Ferrell as a Shelby, NC BMW dealer, mocking the local car dealer commercials we all know too well.

There's Nothing Like a Surly Scottish Clog

I saw this local spot not long ago and was humored by the concept. How do you decide to give a clogged drain a Scottish accent a la Mike Myers? How do you decide to have the drain insulting the homeowner as a "freakin' hippie"? How do you decide to have the Scottish clog encouraging the homeowner to continue scratching his itch, calling her "sweetheart"? He's a stubborn, randy drain with an attitude. When you're selling local drain clearing, you have to think creatively. These people did. There are no happy men in trucks pulling up to the curb with a plumber's toolbox, smiling under sunny skies. All clichés avoided and a bathroom as the shoot location.



I emailed the owner of Farmers Drains a couple weeks ago asking if I could post his commercial. I inadvertently insulted him by calling the commercial "low budget," at which point he told me not to post anything about his business. He misunderstood my appreciation for his promotion and I forgot that any amount spent on production and air time for a small business is money that is hard to part with, especially in this climate. Since he now has an account on YouTube, I think I'm safe to share his work. I think it's also a safe bet that people in need of a rooter service are going to remember the name "Farmers" and the figure of $99, thanks to this spot.

Somebody Found Some Lame 3D Animation Software

And is using it all over these ads for The Mattress Barn, a Florida chain of barns...of mattresses. Local advertising at its most heinous, making viewers wonder if they make their commercials this poorly on purpose.

I smell an egomaniacal, control-freak owner (notice his giant picture on the delivery truck) who insists on being in his own ads, concepting, writing, directing and producing, making sure to find the cheapest production house in town. "And I want a miniature, animated Me in all my spots. Make his voice high and annoying like mine, only speed it up a little bit."

They Do Advertising in South Dakota?

The Dakotas don't get much respect. For that matter, most of the Midwest, Upper Midwest, South and North don't get much respect. (Friend of the blog Alan Wolk has a great piece on the ad world's neglect of a huge segment of the country over at Ad Age.)

Some coastal dwellers (probably of the NYC and LA variety) long ago deemed the interior of the nation "flyover country." But until you've lived there, you don't know what you're talking about. The cost of living is waaaay cheaper and they get the same channels on their cable boxes that you get. The sushi is a little suspect, but that's offset by the ability to leave your front door unlocked.

So I was checking out my tanking ranking at Technorati to see who links here when I found that rare thing: an agency blog that doesn't suck. (There are a few over in the sidebar that fit that description.) It's from agency Henkin-Schultz of Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

And since we're now living in the future, I can look up the agency's address and zoom in to their building in a creepy, stalker way. Looks like a cool building. Whaddayaknow? The cool ad agency building trend is happening in South Dakota. Something tells me their work would stand up to any created in Manhattan or Malibu.

It's All About Depth

"Production Values" are overrated. This ad isn't winning any awards, but it's one in an endless series of ads by a local businessman that've likely made this guy the envy of every big box store in the area.

This guy is effective. Local appliance dealer here in the Orlando area. Repeat the name often enough, show your commercials constantly, have a winning (if goofy) personality and you're gold. This guy even buys 30 minute weekend blocks on local cable channels. Tonight he's airing during the Republican National Convention on a couple of channels.



When you visit the "store," it's more like a giant warehouse. There is no air conditioning and the sales people are no pressure. We've purchased a washer, dryer and refrigerator from this clown in the last 3 years. His prices really are as low as you can find.

Sometimes, being extremely local, low-production and low-budget works.

It's about sales...lest we creatives forget.

Defiant Grocery Chain Says, "Ignore The Facts! Shop Here!"

Despite the fact that Publix is buying half of what remain of Albertson's Florida stores, Albertson's persists with desperate flyers (or is that "fliers?") like this, where "Angela" poses happily with a bouquet of (funeral?) flowers and the copywriter has done everything except underline the word "still."


On a recent trip to a soon-to-be-closed Albertson's store, I encountered such poor service that I abandoned my goods in the cart in an aisle and burned rubber to the nearest Publix.

Good riddance, Albertson's. You could not suck more.

Plumber Overcomes Name - Builds Successful Business

Growing up, Frank endured the taunts of the schoolmates who made fun of his name. They'd call him "Stank" and "Crank" and "Spank" and "Wank" and "Skank."

Frank vowed as a young man, "I will show them I am not ashamed of my name. I will build a business and have the very name they mock on the side of many vans that will traverse the roads of Central Florida. They will see my name and they will RESPECT it."

I caught one of Frank's vehicles this morning on the way to work.

And those punks from school who used to mock Frank? Most of them are either dead or in jail. And when they get out of jail , Frank shows them no mercy. From Frank's About Us page: All of our technicians have had a criminal background check and wear official Frank Gay Plumbing Uniforms and they drive lettered vehicles.

Locals Only: Goin' Tuscan

Part XI in a series on very local advertising

Again, as every week, the free pink ad thingy lands in the driveway. Here's a cover ad, half page, where the company's name is "Tuscany," because as we all know, if you lay down a Tuscan Tile in your home, you will be enjoy A Sunny Afternoon Feast spread out on a Big Oak Table Outdoors with a Rolling Hills Countryside Background while a Gentle Breeze Blows through a Renaissance Romance.

And who wouldn't want that in their home? Even if the tiles are mined from a quarry in Africa.

Previously in Locals Only
Previously in The Tuscan Trend^TM

Go Ahead and Cringe - He Wants You To

Here's some pure, bad local TV commercial production at its baddest.

When your company name is "Martin Fine Furniture" why do you go to such lengths to be so... unfine? But I'll bet the locals all know Marty.



Here's Marty's "Pirate" ad. And here's Marty's "Wild West" ad.

Somewhere in Indiana right now, Marty is leaving a supermarket and some kid is saying to his mother, "Mom! That's the Pirate guy from the commercial!"

Marty walks to his car with a smile, feeling vindicated and victorious.

Someone Better Alert the Disney Attorneys

North of the Gold and Ivory Coasts of Africa is The Gambia, (or simply: Gambia) a small country consisting mainly of The Gambia River.

Gambia also has an amusement park called Dream Park, where a couple of costumed hosts (a lanky Santa Claus and a very familiar mouse) welcome you to enjoy the thrilling rides and fun-filled activities.

Oh, YouTube, What did we do before you came along?