Locals Only: Thou Shalt Not Steal

Here's a fine local CPA, with testimonials from satisfied clients attesting to his skill with numbers and things like that. Larry and his wife seem like nice folks, and to show you how nice, they will include a little bible quote at the bottom of their full-page ad along with a cross image. But this is not any cross image, it's the very recognizable "cross and flame" logo of the United Methodist Church, and the denomination has some very strict guidelines regarding the appropriation of their logo, none of which it appears Larry has followed.

But Larry is seeking that coveted demo: people who will only drink milk from a Christian cow, and he means no harm, I'm sure. He's just not good at legal stuff.

He's waiting for the cease and desist, I suppose. Easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. 
 

Jesus Tested. Jesus Approved.

Christians join free? Do I have to show my stigmata to prove it? And this guy posing in front of what looks like a Powerpoint presentation, he is Certified Christian? How do I know that if he isn't wearing Tim Tebow bible verses under his eyes? He looks like an anchorman, and we all know the mainstream media hate Jesus. Or is it just your site that is Certified Christian? Who does the certification? What are the criteria to become certified?And if I am Danny or Suzy Christian, my head now spins with so many questions. Shouldn't I trust God to find me a match? Am I thwarting God's will, perhaps even letting you play God, if I join? What about those people who you charged to join your site, who aren't Christians and therefore aren't entitled to the free membership? What happens when you match a believer and a non-believer? I can already hear the fighting around the Holidays, when Jack wants a Christmas tree and Jill wants a Menorah.

I hate "Christian" businesses. I hate the concept of marketing to a specific faith group. It fosters and further deepens an already elitist "us" versus "them" mentality.

And so Christians have their own plumbers and electricians and radio and book stores. Just look for the little fish symbol and you know you're in good hands. Good honest hands attached to a heart that is pure and a head that believes like you do. And votes like you do, too. "Unclean" would the believer become were he or she to listen to music "of the world," or watch movies and read books that didn't support a particular world view. Keep your radio tuned to schlocky sub-par crap and your iPod filled with poorly produced pseudo-gospel of a thousand sub-genres. Don't drink. Don't smoke. Don't eat food sacrificed to idols. Don't lust. Except in your heart for Sarah Palin. Buy the books. Attend the seminars. Use the phrase, "Judge not lest ye be judged," only when someone is judging you.

But I can go on and on on this topic. And have. Somebody find me an agent.

Banner ad found at The Awl.

You Have Left Your Mind

Familiar with the Left Behind series? It's a collection of pseudo-scripture written by a pair of charlatans loosely based on the last book of the Christian bible (and a word or two from Paul's letters). Those two goblins are astoundingly rich now that their books have been devoured by so many people too busy to read their bibles or talk with their God.

The premise of these books is this: All the Jesus people are taken away in The Rapture and the rest of the earthlings are left behind on the planet to suffer horrible things. Do you want to escape the horrible things? Then get yourself right with God and do it quickly. Because scaring people into loving God and doing Right (wing) is very effective. It is also a huge money-maker.

Problem with The Rapture theory is that it is pure and utter fiction created in the mid-1800s by an Irishman named John Darby. It was very easy to sell to Americans, because even then Americans were much as they are today; easy to swindle, afraid of hard times, mostly unacquainted with large-scale suffering and looking for the easy way out.

If you are a Christian and you're disagreeing with me on this, let me ask you this: Did Jesus say he was returning? OK, then how many times will he return? First time in secret, second time in the clouds for all to see? Also, I know you like to justify and support your escapism theology with passages like, "God has not appointed us unto wrath." (I love it when you speak in the King James. It makes you sound so Holy.) So maybe you can quote that phrase to the persecuted churches in Afghanistan, Egypt, Libya, Somalia, Algeria, Eritrea, Malaysia, Sri Lanka, Azerbaijan, Ethiopia, Maldives, Sudan, Bangladesh, Gaza and the West Bank, Philippines, Syria, Belarus, India, Mauritania, Tajikistan, Bhutan, Indonesia, Morocco, Tibet, Brunei, Iran, Nepal, Tunisia, Myanmar, Iraq, Nigeria, Turkey, Jordan, North Korea, Turkmenistan, China, Kuwait, Oman, United Arab Emirates, Colombia, Kyrgyzstan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Comoros, Laos, Qatar, Vietnam, Cuba, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia and Yemen. You've got it pretty good here and know nothing of "wrath."

Why am I wasting my energy? Go to Wal-Mart and get the latest book in your series. Maybe you can pay for Tim LaHaye's next facelift.

ANYWAY, (I get worked up on this subject) some total tools have set up a website that will send out email alerts to those who get Left Behind! How cool! So after the world's Christians suddenly vanish, everyone can get emails saying, "You've been Left Behind! We are in Heaven and you are going to suffer some horrible shit! There's still hope! Forward this email to ten friends and throw some salt over your shoulder while spinning around in a circle thrice. Then, don't eat for 10 days and abstain from sex and maybe God will let you come join us after you get raped, tortured and killed by the Antichrist and his Army of Satan Worshipers. Bye! Love ya! Peace! :)" Spam from Heaven. And this service will only cost you $40 a year. I don't know who's behind this website, but they need to...not gonna say it.

I wish I had hacking skills.

McDonald's Brings Peace to Middle East

Every year, 23% of Filet-O-Fish sandwich sales at McDonald's are purchased during Lent, when many Catholics abstain from meat.

Filet-O-Fish is also a hot seller among Jews and Muslims, according to the link above.

Thanks to Chris Houchens of Shotgun Marketing Blog for the fish story.

And You'll Only Drink Milk From a Christian Cow

You should never judge a book by its cover, but you’ll be expecting others to do just that in your new job as Packaging Manager for Thomas Nelson Books.

This is an ideal job for a junior designer who wants to live in Nashville. “1-3 years working in the commercial art industry or recent art school graduate with strong student portfolio may apply.”

You’ll be designing book jackets, which could be kind of fun, I’d think. A couple of your duties:

Sets creative and conceptual tone of book covers for multiple SPUs.

Oversees creative direction and execution of final cover design (including copywriting).

Interested? See here.

Oh, what they don’t tell you is that Thomas Nelson is an “inspirational” book publisher, so you’ll be marketing your books to an exclusively Christian audience. You will also likely not get hired if you don't share the company's "core values."

Christians in this country long ago abandoned their savior’s directives. They started marketing to one another instead. Moneychangers in the temple. Booksellers in the foyer.

As I’ve said before, Christians have their own books, bookstores, radio stations, music, TV stations, programs, movies, magazines, theme parks and yellow pages. Now you can be their own book jacket designer.

Locals Only - The Fish Market

Part V in a series of reviews of very local advertising.

Christians have their own books, bookstores, radio stations, music, TV stations, programs, movies, magazines, theme parks, yellow pages - and now their own electrical contractor. You've seen these ads before. The fish symbol is code to other Christians that this is a reputable contractor who will wire your home or business the way Jesus would.













It's a cheap ploy - and it likely alienates more people than it attracts. This very well might be what "Do not take the Lord's name in vain" was really addressing.

So you need a new car? Let your fingers take a walk
through the business guide for the born-again flock
You'll be keeping all your money in the Kingdom now
And you'll only drink milk from a Christian cow

Locals Only Part IV
Locals Only Part III
Local Only Part II
Locals Only Part I