Wednesday, July 28, 2010

We Escaped The Oil Spill, So IN YOUR FACE, Louisiana!

In the game of vacation destination advertising, you take every advantage you can get, even if that means you have to kick another destination when it's down. And covered in thick, black goop.
 
All over the West Coast of Florida, tourism boards are trying to convince travelers that, "There ain't no oil here!" Fort Myers / Sanibel made a nice effort with your standardly glib host riffing as he walks along the beach. This was "Day One" of their 9-day "Still Pristine" effort to woo the Gulf-visiting vacationer. They even did a "behind the scenes!" video, where the producer explains that "this has never been done before in the history of television!"



I heard a radio spot where a very, very sad sounding female voiceover said that, "Our hearts go out to the victims of the Gulf oil spill." Then she very smoothly transitioned into beach pitch-lady and offered to show you her very unaffected beaches. I'm about sick of the "Our hearts go out to," line. Much like, "Our thoughts and prayers go out to..." it's complete bullshit. It means simply, "Hey, sucks to be you!" (I hate it so much that it's a recurring, minor theme in my unpublished book. Literary agents, ping me.)

Granted, no one is out-and-out saying, "Our beaches are better than theirs," but the implication is there. So if you do vacation on the beaches of Fort Myers/ Sanibel, be a good sport and raise a glass one beautiful evening to the poor saps up the coast who didn't fare so well.

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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

We Interrupt This Broadcast

Over the weekend, I read what has been widely acclaimed as a pretty good novel by a well-known author. I came away from his book saying, "What a pile of crap. That thing I wrote in 30 days is better than this." But the game of publishing is, in fact, a game, all the more these days when publishers are freaking out about the viability of their industry. I'll keep standing on the sidelines hoping to play, shouting for the coach to put me in, but I'm going to bend the rules now.

Nothing like self-publishing; the ultimate "Bite me!" to the REAL publishing world. Downside, of course, is that no one reads it and you never see a dime, not that most authors make any money anyway. So I decided, "Why not take self-publishing one step further and just say, "Fuck it," posting the manuscript I wrote, in its entirety, here on Blogger? Maybe it'll catch the eye of a literary agent or publisher, or maybe it will expose me for the hack that I am, a risk I have been taking here on this blog for four years. 

Raise your hand if you have a great idea for a screenplay. Raise your hand if you think you've written the killer novel. (It has Vampires in it? Excellent!) We would-be writers and hopeful authors hold on to our "works" as if they are undiscovered gold, clutching them to our chests lest some plagiarist see them, recognize their worth, and steal them. That's bullshit. Throw it out there. See what happens. 

We now return you to your regularly scheduled whatever it was we were doing here.

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Tuesday, February 02, 2010

I've Found The Secret

Having deluded myself into thinking I've written a really good book, I'm now facing the harsh reality of literary agents having zero interest in it. I do my research and make sure I'm sending to the right types of agents, but for the most part, their comments can be summed up as, "Not for me, but thanks for thinking of me. Good luck and keep trying. And sorry about this form letter." It's the market, I've decided. (It's easier for a writer to think that than to think that his/her writing is simply crappy, unsellable dross.)

Here's what I should've written.

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Friday, January 22, 2010

It's Hard Out There for a Pimp

I think every unpublished writer has questioned the value and necessity of the literary agent. Nathan P. Superagent is here to explain.


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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Mercy

It's the year's end and work is very slow, so I'm trying my hand at some genre fiction to pass the time in this scarcely occupied office. A writer's got to write, even if it's schlock shit.

Mercy

The start of a novel, written on a boring afternoon in late December

After the killing shot he would walk over to the fallen body. Even if they didn’t move, he liked to be sure. Any job worth doing is worth doing well. It was usually about a 100-yard stroll. He’d place the rifle in the trunk, tuck the handgun into his belt and get his dog from the backseat. By now, the dog was used to the routine. He’d sniff the head wound, work his way down the legs and then look up at his master, waiting for the silenced shot through the chest, head, groin, or wherever he felt a second bullet would be best placed.


“Who’s the best doggie in the world?” he’d ask the dog, pulling a Milk-Bone from his coat pocket.

Early on he toyed with the idea of leaving some kind of calling card, a note for police and the press, a token of his efficiency and style; something to link all of his “extinguishings” as he termed them. But the desperate people who did that were asking to be arrested, begging for notoriety. He didn’t need it, much as it angered him how off the mark they always were. One shot from 100 yards, another from a different gun at close range. That was calling card enough.

“Nighttime Terror Continues” the papers would blare. “29th Shooting Victim Was Respected Doctor” or lawyer, or researcher, or author, or business owner, or teacher – or whatever – as if their careers somehow made their deaths more tragic.

They all had one thing in common, one thing the detectives would never uncover with all their profiling, ballistics, forensics and sophisticated guesswork.

The first extinguishing came about quite unexpectedly, and to read that he was a meticulous planner of these executions gave him great pleasure. He was nothing of the sort. His victims selected themselves. They placed themselves in his path. By fate, chance or dumb luck, they met a swift justice that was in all likelihood quite painless, a courtesy he was sure they did not deserve. Yes, he planned their killings, but they themselves had chosen to be killed.

Would those left behind be hurt? Of course, he knew this. But the temporary grief of a few family members was small price to pay for the removal of a subhuman form, a callous and shiftless sort whose very footprints on the sidewalk were an affront to all that is good and decent.

He was having coffee in a Denny’s the evening he encountered his first victim, who had selected himself just outside the window. It almost seemed a tragedy to have to do away with the man, but his calling could no longer be ignored. Justice is blind. And he was sure of his life’s work from that moment on.

Having already paid for his coffee, he gathered his things and followed the man to an apartment complex some 7 blocks from the restaurant, noting the man’s apartment number. He returned for a few nights, sitting in his car in the parking lot, observing the man’s routine and learning his times of coming and going. This first extinguishing, he was sure, was a fairly pathetic creature, fond of bad music and ill fitting clothes, and it didn’t appear as though anyone would miss him, surely not his employer, who he appeared to curse with regularity, noted through his open window when he spoke on the phone to friends, complaining about “the piece of shit motherfucker” who signed his paychecks.

A hunting rifle with a silencer and scope was his way, but he switched rifles and makers of ammunition enough that the headlines would declare copycat killers were now at work. He enjoyed the errors of the police. Making them miss became a sideline hobby. Guesswork was such an easily manipulated sport.

A preselected perch or parking spot, a few practice aims, and then the victim’s final walk home or to work, felled from a good distance with a high-velocity bullet to the brain. It was so much more efficient than arrest, trial and sentencing. And it was far more merciful than decapitation or torture.

Did God condone what he did? Most assuredly. That was not even a valid question. His chief moral dilemma was whether God smiled upon his method. Weren’t his victims deserving of a more painful end? Didn’t they need to hear their sentence, see the gun aimed at their heads? Should they not be allowed that moment to see their lives pass before their eyes, a chance, perhaps, for a much-needed dose of stark terror and pant-soiling fear? But that was not his to decide, he knew. They had made their choice, and any moment beyond that choice was free breath, undeserved time. To extinguish was his duty, not to offer a moment for deathbed conversion or last-minute repentance.

So to watch them fall in their tracks, to pollute the air one last time with their final breath, was his reward. That the ground beneath them or the walls around them should have to bear the shaming marks of a dead man’s brains and blood for a few days was a source of discomfort to him, but the police cleaning crews did a decent job of erasing any remnants of the victim’s worthless existence.

It turned his stomach to read the newspaper accounts or see the grieving families on TV. They were all, every last one of them, deceived, ignorant fools believing that this or that man deserved so much as another second on this earth. The teary wives with their pleas to the community and vows of vengeance; the concerned-looking anchorman asking for anonymous tips to a police hotline; the neighbors acting as though the departed wretch was a fine man and decent human; everyone pretending to believe that this person had met a horrible and senseless end. Fools all. It was far from horrible. And it was anything but senseless.

He refused to think of himself as a vigilante, as that was for comic books and movies. His calling was higher, more sublime. For his night duties to be labeled as “senseless killings” or “random acts” was infuriating. It was a lonely secret to bear, the price for the type of work he had been selected to perform. And to think of it as anything less than selected was to ignore the obvious. The man outside the Denny’s window was not put there by accident. And neither were any of the others who had crossed his path, selecting themselves for extinguishing.

One thing he enjoyed about the newspaper accounts were the detectives announcing they had leads to go on. They had nothing, and their brave faces and statements of resolve were pleasant bits of comic relief amid the quotes from delusional family members left behind. If it wasn’t a detective, the chief of police or the prosecutor, it was the mayor, all acting like they had the public’s safety in mind. What they didn’t understand and what he could never tell them was that the public was never in any danger. It was just those few who selected themselves.

There was a stretch of nearly two weeks when he thought perhaps his work had come to a finish, when no one chose to meet his or her end at his hand. And then just like the man outside Denny’s, and all the other men after him, another presented himself, all but begging for death. And while certainly some women had met the criteria for extinguishing, he was not permitted to harm a woman, bound by a lifelong adherence to an ancient code taught him by his father that forbade such a thing. Perhaps there was a woman out there who bore the lonely, secret burden of extinguishing her own sex, but he was only allowed to kill men. When that short reprieve from his work was abruptly ended after those nearly two weeks, he switched rifles, cleaned his scope and put the dog in the backseat. It was a relief to be back to work, glad that his life still had a purpose, and thankful that he had been allowed a little time off from his sometimes stressful duty.

“Who’s the best doggie in the world?”



IF BY SOME RANDOM CHANCE A LITERARY AGENT OR SOMEONE WITH TIES TO PUBLISHING HAS SEEN THIS AND THINKS IT COULD BE DEVELOPED, FEEL FREE TO SAY SO.

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Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Jesus Tested. Jesus Approved.

Christians join free? Do I have to show my stigmata to prove it? And this guy posing in front of what looks like a Powerpoint presentation, he is Certified Christian? How do I know that if he isn't wearing Tim Tebow bible verses under his eyes? He looks like an anchorman, and we all know the mainstream media hate Jesus. Or is it just your site that is Certified Christian? Who does the certification? What are the criteria to become certified?And if I am Danny or Suzy Christian, my head now spins with so many questions. Shouldn't I trust God to find me a match? Am I thwarting God's will, perhaps even letting you play God, if I join? What about those people who you charged to join your site, who aren't Christians and therefore aren't entitled to the free membership? What happens when you match a believer and a non-believer? I can already hear the fighting around the Holidays, when Jack wants a Christmas tree and Jill wants a Menorah.

I hate "Christian" businesses. I hate the concept of marketing to a specific faith group. It fosters and further deepens an already elitist "us" versus "them" mentality.

And so Christians have their own plumbers and electricians and radio and book stores. Just look for the little fish symbol and you know you're in good hands. Good honest hands attached to a heart that is pure and a head that believes like you do. And votes like you do, too. "Unclean" would the believer become were he or she to listen to music "of the world," or watch movies and read books that didn't support a particular world view. Keep your radio tuned to schlocky sub-par crap and your iPod filled with poorly produced pseudo-gospel of a thousand sub-genres. Don't drink. Don't smoke. Don't eat food sacrificed to idols. Don't lust. Except in your heart for Sarah Palin. Buy the books. Attend the seminars. Use the phrase, "Judge not lest ye be judged," only when someone is judging you.

But I can go on and on on this topic. And have. Somebody find me an agent.

Banner ad found at The Awl.

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Sunday, September 27, 2009

My Ideal Business Card


One of my first friends in the "social media space" was Fred Leo, known to Twitter users as @everysandwich. Fred asked me to do a short VO for him last week. Since it was raining today and any outdoor plans got scrubbed, I sat down and knocked it out. It was fun and reminded me I need to get back to that kind of work one of these days. But I also need to write more songs. And get a giant trailer full of cool lawn gear and do some anonymous guerrilla landscaping. Maybe get back into the podcasting game. And mass produce a cheap land paddle. And sell a novel. And write another one. And other stuff.

One of these days.




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Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Where's My Literary Agent?


Another sneak peak at the soon-to-be-published Random Scratch.


“So where do you go everyday, man?” Jay asked as the swimmer walked out of the lake, this time in his shorts.

“I’m fixing up some houses.” He walked to the dockside shower.

“Well, if you ever need some help, I’m available after ten when I close the pool.” Jay was putting picnic tables back where they were supposed to be and cleaning up paper plates and bottles left on the lawn.

“That’s a little late, but I might take you up on it.” He stood under the cold water.

“What time you finally able to get back to your trailer last night?”

“I don’t know, but it was late.” He draped a towel over his shoulders.

“People followin’ you around out here like you were some kinda Jesus, man,” Jay laughed.

“If I were Jesus I wouldn’t have paid for a picnic for five hundred people.” He sat at a table.

“Yeah, no shit. Just stand over the grill and say ‘Burgers! Multiply!’” Jay waved his hand like a magician, “Or you could get like a six-pack and turn it into a whole truck full o' beer!” he laughed again and the swimmer said nothing.

“Whatsa matter, man?” Jay sat down. “You seem all serious an’ shit.”

He looked at Jay for a moment, “You ever get that feeling, like you know something’s about to happen, and so you’re just waiting for it?”

“Totally, man,” Jay shifted, ready to tell a story, “This one time, an’ this was back when I was dealin’ weed – which I don’t do no more, just so ya know - we were waiting at this hotel for the dude to show up with the shit, right? an’ I got this feelin’ like somethin’ wasn’t right, ya know? So I told my partners, ‘I’m out,’ and I left. They said I was just bein’ paranoid. Didn’t get my cut, ‘course, but there was no cut to get ‘cause they all got busted,” he shook his head, “fucked up, man,” and lifted his cap as he wiped his forehead with his forearm, “Like that? Like a premonition or somethin’?”

“Yeah, like that,” he said.

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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Randomly Scratching Away

As I mentioned when I started to write this book, blogging might take a back seat. I thought I would write about 80,000 words, but I just passed 82K and the story isn't over yet. I have one final climactic scene to finish and then the wind down. Probably come in just shy of 100K when it's done. So, that's why I have been a negligent blogger lately.

If anyone knows a literary agent or is in the publishing world, here's a synopsis:

A newcomer to town, a stranger living in an Airstream at the local campground, visits a megachurch in America’s Midwest. His arrival portends the rapid meltdown of a prominent and fast-growing ministry under the leadership of Dan Jackson, the gifted pastor of Oak Canyon Church. Beginning with the murder/suicide of the music minister at the weekly staff meeting by her naked and disturbed husband, the church’s slide has only started, an empire falling.

When you’re the biggest and the boldest, the loudest and the proudest, people want to take you down.


“Why do they love to see us fall?” Dan asked God.

“Because you set yourself up so high,” he replied.

The church as a business, a military operation, a fortress under siege. A picture of America. An American parallel.

Let's see if there's anything to this social media stuff I keep hearing about.

The main character has a Twitter account, which he uses periodically in the book. Starting in July, when the book takes place, he will be tweeting the book in real time.

And the website is here.

Should be back to a normal, non-obsessed blogger soon.

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Monday, July 02, 2007

Anybody Know a Literary Agent?

One that doesn't charge up front and only takes their cut when they sell your book?

I've done the standard query sends to numerous agents and have quite the collection of "Not right for me at this time, but good luck" rejection letters. I once contacted Anne Rice, who graciously responded in person and recommended a publisher. That name-drop got me in the door at a big NY publishing house and allowed my first 50 pages to get looked at by some people. Wasn't right for them at this time.

I know every copywriter out there has a story in them (or several) that they'd rather be telling instead of selling health insurance, law firms, grocery stores and cars. I'm not special, just thought I'd throw a line out there and see if anyone knows anyone.

I sometimes like to imagine that this story might have an audience in Europe or Australia, as one of its undercurrents is the transformation of America from Republic to Empire. So in some way it's sort of a warning - disguised as a novel.

A synopsis and some chapters are linked to the image here. I can be reached at jetpacks (AT) gmail (DOT) com.

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