Is This Thing On?

Some will not have noticed I was gone, but it’s been a few months since I put this blog on what I called “indefinite hiatus.” I took a leave from what started to become a burden, that of entertaining you ungrateful and slothful people who are supposed to be working, but instead troll the wires looking for laughs and oddities, anything but that dreaded task you’re supposed to be toiling over, the one that saps your soul and makes you long for a real job; something like a lumberjack or a crab fisherman. But then you remember there’s no WiFi out in the middle of the North Pacific and you settle back into your dimly lit cube, with your Starbucks and your iTunes and your Bose® | QuietComfort® Acoustic Noise Cancelling® headphones and you say to yourself, “Life could be worse. I guess. Whatever.”

When we last parted, I was seeking full-time work and I needed a roof. Since then, I found a serviceable assignment as a contractor with a large corporation specializing in hospitality and travel. (There is little else here in Orlando.) This assignment enabled me to get that roof. Now we don’t cringe every time it starts raining at Casa de Jetpacks. But style guides and communication guidelines don’t often leave much room for thinking outside the PDF, so I kept busy on some other side interests. If you follow me on Twitter, you’re familiar with my series "Coffee with Jesus", (54 of those to date), Saturated Street Scenes (the latest is called "Pinche Gringos - Cozumel, Mexico"), and hopefully with other aspects of what is happening at Radio Free Babylon, an 11-year old endeavor/passion/mission that I’ve always fantasized would someday employ not only me, but hundreds of thousands of people across the globe. (Not really, just me.) To date, I think we sold a mug on cafepress once.

The contract mentioned above is expiring, they told me this morning, in early August. They have hired a full-time staff employee. They would like for me to train my replacement. I’m thinking of training her all wrong. There are other irons in the fire, and as I wait for them to heat up, I thought it was a good time to fire up the old jetpack blog and see if it had any kick left for me. I already like it again, I think. (And I'm blogging from work! Shhhhh!)

So, put this blog back in your RSS readers if you deleted it, like RFB on Facebook, Link-In with me and comment here when something pleases you or pisses you off. We writers are a needy lot, just like anyone else who makes their living in the “arts.” Designers, musicians, actors, hell – even jugglers and mimes – we all crave that little morsel of recognition. You don’t get paid to blog in most instances and you can’t hear any applause or booing, so comments are like the little fish tossed to the trained seal at Sea World. (Sorry, I meant SeaWorld® Theme Park.)

If you have actual little fish to toss my way, send me an email and I’ll give you my address.

Post Number 2000

I've tried to make this blog more about quality than quantity. It has been for me, above all, a creative outlet, because we all know how hard it is to actually be creative, even in a supposedly creative industry. (As I tell every "creative," keep a real creative passion on the side just to keep you sane, because you will never fully satisfy your need to create through your work.) 

And with that, I'm putting this blog on indefinite hiatus. It's been a fun four and a half years, but it's time to do some other things. I need to sell a book, or write another couple. I need to land a full-time job*. Or get a degree in architecture. Maybe I'll record some more music. Maybe I'll put a little more effort into some other neglected endeavors. Maybe I'll clean out the attic. It's good to reinvent yourself. Just ask Bowie.

I will still be on Twitter and probably still posting things at Radio Free Babylon. And I might bring this blog back to its regular posting frequency after I've had some time to miss it. As I said, it's a hiatus.

* If you need a résumé, just search the archives of this blog and you'll get a good idea of what I do. I'm entertaining all offers east of the Mississippi. If you still want to play the old-school game of "objective, experience, education," find me on Linked-In.

So, Me and 364 Other People...

It's a big list with some notable names. I see Bob and Angela coming up soon. My day was yesterday and it was an honor to be included among such august company. It's called The 3six5 Project and is the brainchild of Len Kendall and Daniel Honigman. They gathered 365 people to write a post of no more than 365 words. Being the type who likes to meet word count guidelines, my post comes in at exactly 365 words. (Shut up. It's not THAT psycho.)

You're supposed to write about your assigned day, which is half the challenge. On Saturday I'm going, "What the hell am I going to write about? It'll just be a boring Sunday filled with yard work more than likely." Then I awoke to something to write about. It was still yard work, though.

Post #1500. Now What?

I started this blog in July, 2006. I was a partner at a "new media agency" at the time and our company blog was fast becoming nothing more than a series of links and shout-outs to conferences or inane, mundane industry news. I always tried to make my posts on that blog interesting, but they'd quickly be buried by a colleague whose psychotic desire to get our blog a better Technorati ranking consumed his every waking moment, to the point that he was posting 20 times a day. In frustration, I created this one.

That agency, much like Technorati, is a relic of a bygone era, when blogs mattered and people who "surfed the net" were fond of something they used to call "bookmarks." SEO was still 50% legit and the MySpace Exodus was yet to come. Then RSS feeds got popular. Then Twitter took off. Technorati is about as accurate a barometer of a blog's popularity anymore as Dane Cook is capable of making me laugh; which is to say, not very. But at least Technorati is still in business. That defunct agency suffered a Biblical meltdown at the very hands of the above-mentioned colleague, who now goes about to small-circuit meet-ups and clubs, touting his amazing Social Media Ninja skills. "You need to blog with regularity. Set up a Twitter account. Monitor talk of your brand or company. Become the expert in your field. Blah blah zzzzz" (You thought I arrived at my social media disdain by being a skeptical observer? No, I have seen the dark side.) Did that sound bitter? I know. I'm working on it. I'll credit the gurus their tenacity and inventiveness, having built personal brands based on pure bullshit.

I believe in social media, but I don't think it requires a big bucks consultant to tell you what to do. It might require an intern to maintain a Facebook page, update your Twitter feed and have the authority to respond to talk of your brand. Keep in mind that when you use social media to spam or intrude, (otherwise known as "sales") you fail. That's why the kids left MySpace and will keep creating new and hidden ways of communing away from the marketers. It's a customer service tool and a buzz generator...and little more. Don't count on big ROI, none that you can accurately measure, anyway. That's why you put an intern on it. There is very little investment. Any return will be positive talk of your brand that outweighs the negative talk. You go on and figure out how that translates into "conversions." I'm not interested. It comes down to taking care of the small stuff, which anyone in business since the moneychangers in the Temple will tell you is often rewarded by the Holy Grail of Sales - repeat business. Now you know all you need to know about using social media for your business. Be careful out there.

Anyway (damn, wasn't expecting to go off on social media), this arbitrary milestone of 1,500 posts in a little over three years (about 1.5 per day) has me pondering "the next step." (You know, like Bowie or Madonna, always reinventing.) I sometimes see this blog as a burden, as have the authors of many of my favorite reads in recent years, disappearing without a word or sometimes announcing the end with finality. Wordpress and Blogger (and Posterous and Tumblr and Facebook and MySpace and LiveJournal and Friendster) are littered with the skeletons of long-dead blogs. "It's one more thing to keep up with when we have plenty to do already," they've noted. I know the feeling.

But whenever I entertain the notion of quitting this thing, I end up going back to why I started blogging to begin with. I need to create, maybe bounce stuff off of others. (The whole "conversation" thing.) Its likely because my job, like many of yours, is a maddening exercise in kissing ass and shutting up, keeping a sharp eye peeled for the next bus someone wants to throw us under. We blog to vent, to entertain ourselves and maybe a few others, and to do the things we want to do that advertising and marketing won't ever allow. Nobody promised us a work-life that satisfied. That's why they call it work. We get a paycheck. We try to do our best. We can't forget that while we may have entered the "creative" side for loftier reasons, we aren't here to make art, but to make a living. Could my blogging time be used in a more productively creative way, like maybe woodworking or learning a new language? Absolutely. And I might just start building Spanish Adirondack chairs someday.

And like most of you, I've got bigger plans for a vast media empire with a hidden agenda that I hope to control someday from a huge tower, where I will issue edicts and proclamations across my vast realm as I recline in grotesque luxury, eating the hearts and brains of interns and washing them down with the blood of my rivals. (I probably won't be that big of a dick, having spent way too much time in the dirt of the trenches, eating shit.) Maybe for the time being, this blog just serves as the cornerstone of that empire. Or maybe it will only ever be the place where I dump the random stuff and one-off junk I feel like saying or doing. That'd be fine, too. It serves a purpose either way.

So, I think I just talked myself out of retiring this blog. Sorry.

Bye Bye Bloggers

Two creative bloggers I enjoy have called it quits this week, and it's only Tuesday. First, Scamp threw in the towel, endeavoring to write a novel. Good luck with that. I'm still waiting on an agent to take the chance with my first.

Now Catcher in the Rye has left the ad blog world as well.

On the subject of dying blogs, The New York Times had an interesting piece last Sunday, in which they liberally quoted some guy from Technorati, who seemed to be speaking from a temporal rift in the space-time continuum. On the subject of where authors of blogs disappear to, the leader of the always-down and never-accurate Technorati said, “Some of that activity has gone to Facebook and MySpace, and obviously Twitter is a new phenomenon.” Ya think? MySpace? Really? And bloggers don't quit blogging to go to Twitter, this thing you call a new phenomenon. Bloggers just get tired of the ball and chain a blog can be. The article mentions that some people hoped to get rich from their blogs. If you got into blogging to make money, well - I'm sorry you believed that was possible.

It gets old, I guess, this blogging thing. But I'll keep doing it for now. It's a creative outlet for me. I've always been the guy who draws cartoons about co-workers or creates ads clients will never see, much less run. I'm the guy that always gets called "blunt" and then gets called on the carpet for embarrassing superiors in front of their bosses. I'm wiser now (I hope) and I think I've learned to draw that back a bit in the office, the better to keep my job, so I need this blog to shout and spout my nonsense. Or maybe I just need to stop looking for shit to make fun of. Haven't figured it out yet.

Best to you, Scamp and Catcher. Enjoyed your insights. Tell me how it feels in a few months. If you say, "Quitting that blog was so liberating," I may consider joining you.

Randomly Scratching Away

As I mentioned when I started to write this book, blogging might take a back seat. I thought I would write about 80,000 words, but I just passed 82K and the story isn't over yet. I have one final climactic scene to finish and then the wind down. Probably come in just shy of 100K when it's done. So, that's why I have been a negligent blogger lately.

If anyone knows a literary agent or is in the publishing world, here's a synopsis:

A newcomer to town, a stranger living in an Airstream at the local campground, visits a megachurch in America’s Midwest. His arrival portends the rapid meltdown of a prominent and fast-growing ministry under the leadership of Dan Jackson, the gifted pastor of Oak Canyon Church. Beginning with the murder/suicide of the music minister at the weekly staff meeting by her naked and disturbed husband, the church’s slide has only started, an empire falling.

When you’re the biggest and the boldest, the loudest and the proudest, people want to take you down.

“Why do they love to see us fall?” Dan asked God.

“Because you set yourself up so high,” he replied.

The church as a business, a military operation, a fortress under siege. A picture of America. An American parallel.

Let's see if there's anything to this social media stuff I keep hearing about.

The main character has a Twitter account, which he uses periodically in the book. Starting in July, when the book takes place, he will be tweeting the book in real time.

And the website is here.

Should be back to a normal, non-obsessed blogger soon.

Been A Lame Blogger Lately

I started writing a book on Sunday, and I'm trying to keep up a pace of about 2,000 words a day. I hope to be done in a month or so. In the meantime, blogging may take a backseat. I'll still be posting, though not likely with the frequency at which I'm used to. I have no idea where the book is going, which is half the fun and half the challenge. But I'm enjoying the hell out of it.

I got to thinking about how much I blog, and while I enjoy it a great deal, it all just goes away. "Ephemera," as my friends at Public School Intelligentsia call it. So I decided to write something that might last a little longer; longer than some old blog post that gets buried in the archives, to be pulled up at random when someone searches for Land O Lakes Butter Trick or Amtrak Sucks, two of my most trafficked posts here. Longer-lasting also than the throwaway ads, brochures or web copy I write for a living.I've always advised creatives to keep something on the side that no one has a say in. Paint, write, take pictures, draw, sculpt or play music. If all your creativity is spent working for your clients, you can learn to hate your gifts. That's why I started blogging. Now I'm going to take my own advice a little further. The best part about writing this book (aside from the freedom to create with no other goal than to entertain) is that there's no one telling me it's wrong or that the call to action isn't strong enough.

So, if anyone comes across this post by accident, likes my writing style and is also a literary agent (or knows one) hit me up and we'll talk about my forthcoming novel. It has very little to do with advertising and marketing, though they play minor roles. It is rated R for occasional adult language, sparse graphic violence and a little nudity. It's a good story. The first of many. (And yes, I got ahead of myself and created the jacket image above.)

Eventually, I want to live on an island like Graham Greene and write a mere 350 words a day after I've gone swimming in the Mediterranean and drank a few cocktails. Then I'll look them over in the evening, edit them a little before dinner and then go to a show. When my publisher calls once a week, I'll say, "You need to stop pressuring me, man. This shit doesn't write itself, you know. And I'm almost out of Elijah Craig, so why don't you get on that and gimme a break. And by the way, I want a clause in the next contract stating that under no circumstances will Keanu Reeves play a character from any of my books if they are optioned for film."

And no, my name is not Jack, but my middle name is John, and I understand that Jack is often a nickname for John, (though that never made sense to me) so that's my pen name this time around.

Seeking Pizza Blogger

Actual job listing on Craigslist:

Needed: a part-time blogger to help set up and run a blog. Flexible hours and working environment. Must have blogging experience and also must have prior or current working experience in a pizza restaurant.

Over the weekend, we went to a new restaurant in the neighborhood. A jazz trio played indoors, the wait staff dressed all in black while a couple of ladies lingered over a glass of wine on the patio for an hour, their Golden Retriever at their feet. From the name of the place, to the atmosphere to the overuse of the word "artisan," this restaurant was trying way too hard. Their interactive agency, who boast knowing all about "Web 2.0," also talked them into a bunch of blogs, none of which have been updated in a few months.

It ain't working, people. Blogging for your business because someone told you to, with a careful eye toward not offending anyone while promoting your business is not effective, a waste of time and soon abandoned.

If You Buy This Book, You Are, How Shall We Say, "Not So Smart"

What a waste of effort on the "authors" parts. What a waste of money if you buy it.

Everything you need to know about blogging I already wrote here.

Why This Depression Will Be Cooler Than The Last One

This one will be live-blogged, tweeted, facebooked and texted. All of your friends getting laid off and looking for work are telling you about it in real time.

Back then, in the Sucky Great Depression, you'd have to wait months for Johnny out in Nebraska to scrape together 2¢ to find a stamp and an envelope. Then he scratched his bad news on a spent matchbook with a gnawed-down rat bone and sent it to you in the mail. By the time you heard Johnny was at the end of his rope, he'd probably already hanged himself. At least now we can say, "Hey, now! Chin up, Johnny! Life's not so bad! There's a breadline I just Googled not 5 minutes from where you are right now. I'll text ahead and save you a loaf."

You'll know it's really bad when your friends don't tweet, email or IM anymore.

Thousands of Bloggers Have Nothing To Bitch About Now

Now that Palin has been banished to Alaska and the sad old maverick goes back to being a sad old senator, many among the blogging masses are going to need new targets of snark and scorn. When ranting eludes me in these Glorious Days of Hope and Change and Unicorns and Rainbows, I thrive on randomness, which often involves stealing images from Getty and making stupid captions for them.

Finally - An Issue That Matters

This is starting to get insane. Our politics are a total joke. We say we are electing the "leader of the free world" but this is the shit we care about.

Publishing note: I've decided to revive my other blog to post about politics and other things that aren't as light as the fare usually found here. I'll crosspost here when culture and national affairs intersect with advertising and marketing, which is pretty damn frequently lately, it seems.

Spec Ad for Trade

It gets kinda big if you click it

Dear Triumph Motorcycles,

I have toyed with the idea of owning a motorcycle for some time. Now that gas prices are ridiculous and my daily 50-mile round-trip commute is eating into my wallet at a rate I do not want to sustain for much longer, I am more than toying with the idea.

I live in Florida, where easily 4 out of 5 bikes on the road are Harleys. I find that the Harley subculture has turned into a real culture, far from "sub," far from individual and miles from the roots of HD as a rebel brand. Beyond that, I find the price-tags of Harleys to be prohibitive.

I have thought about Indian motorcycles, "America's First Motorcycle," as a viable alternative, but their slow efforts at rebuilding and their near duplication of the Harley look (and price) prevented me from thinking too deeply.

Then I saw the Bonneville Black. I am in love with a motorcycle. There is nothing not to like about this bike. Just sitting there, it conveys everything that a motorcycle should be. It is not showy. It is not excessive. It is, in a word as timeless as the Bonneville itself: cool. And the price is the final deal closer. I want one. Now.

So, in addition to the ad at top, I'll also be a fairly loyal brand advocate here on this blog based on my experiences with the bike you will provide me for free upon reading this letter. (You will be allowed two rounds of edits on the ad.) A dealer up in Daytona has one in stock. Please let them know to have my new ride prepped and ready to roll by next Friday.

Thank you in advance for your kind cooperation.

Sincerely,

Jetpacks

Early Birds Getting Worms and Religion

Darryl over at Brand Flakes for Breakfast is always the first ad blogger in my reader in the AM. (I can't count Stan of Brand DNA as he's got a 14-hour jump on US bloggers from down in Melbourne.)

Darryl points out a new Bible from Sweden which seems pretty cool. Darryl found the info at ANIMAL, which is where you can find Copyranter lately.

Speaking of Copyranter and religion, he's got a good piece this morning on Jehovah's Witness marketing.

Your Title Was Boring - And I'm Busy

Most blog readers these days are perusing their RSS readers, quickly glancing through their subscriptions for something worthy of their precious time. It is helpful if your post title is engaging. If you're in advertising particularly, and you're blogging about advertising, why not practice your craft in your blog? Try to create headlines that grab your readers. Think of the RSS reader as a very crowded field where you are competing for attention - because it is and you are. If you're writing, "Jaguar's New Commercial," you've lost me right away. If you write, "Jag's New Spot Sucks Balls," or "Jag Smacks Me in The Face with Awesome Ad," I might venture further.

One blog that never fails to grab my attention through titles alone is Public School Intelligentsia, formerly known as "Hey Be Us." Here's a random sampling of recent PSI post titles:

• If regret had a face, it would be that tribal sun tattoo wrapped around a belly button.
• Lessons In Congeniality: “I don’t want to kill everyone…Just my enemies.”- Micheal Corleone
• Elements of Good Advertising: Simple. Pink. Sticky.
• On Nailing People’s Asses To The Wall: The 5 Staffers McCain Should Fire
• Take That, You Button-Nosed Shiksas! First Ever Jewish Girls Swimsuit Calendar

Sort of intriguing.

And here's another note on RSS readers that might help your blog: Give your readers the whole post in your feed. Don't shorten it as some tease that I'm supposed to chase to improve your blog stats. If your post is interesting enough, people will click the "show original item" link and comment on your blog. Cases in point: I subscribe to a couple of political blogs. One is "The Caucus" at The New York Times. the other is "The Daily Dish" at The Atlantic. "Caucus" gives me a one line tease that I very rarely click on. "Dish" gives me the whole post, and I appreciate that. "Caucus" may end up off my subscription list very soon.

Not Another Dead Ad Blog!

One of my favorite (in this case: favourite) ad bloggers, Fish & Chimps, has apparently called it quits. I'm hoping he goes the Copyranter route and rises from the grave.

Said the author behind UK-based Chimp Media Monitoring,

Advertising's not funny any more. Or I've had a cooliostomy and lost my sense of humour. My mojo has gone. Don't get upset. It's only a fucking blog. Out.

Not so fast, Chimp. You need this space. It needs you. Cooliostomy? C'mon! Who comes up with that kinda stuff?

Image stolen from Dead Monkey Theatre.

Betwixt Mine Eye (Groin) and Heart (Political Views)

In Twix's continuing series, "Need a Moment?" this new addition is timely and clever. Dude plays along with idealist chick's frustration with politics. Blogging ensues.



Title of Post Stolen from Bill Shakespeare.

I'm a Bad Blogger

Apologies to my blogging buds, whom I've neglected by not commenting on their blogs regularly as I used to. Reason is the Evil Corporate Masters, who prevent me from seeing anything with the suffix of .blogspot, .typepad or .wordpress. I can see you in my reader and always read your stuff, but that's it. Unless I get to you at home after work or on the weekends, I'm a negligent blogger.

Apologies to AdRants, AdScam, Agency Tart, American Copywriter, Catch Up Lady, Brand DNA, Chimp Media Monitoring, Copyranter, Every Sandwich, Hespos, Heybeus, Life in the Garden, Married to the Sea, Make The Logo Bigger, Mental Hygiene, MultiCult Classics, New York Punk, RayTube, Renegade Agency Confessional, Scamp, Texan in Hippieland, The AdHole, The Daily (Ad) Biz, The Assimilated Negro, Thinking in Vain, Toadstool, Why Advertising Sucks, Yes But No But Yes, Yonder Ponder.

Some of you have also been very negligent, not posting to your own blogs in months. Blogging is tough work, I know, but if you remain dormant, I've got to pull you from the "Linkers and Lurkers" list and replace you with something new. No offense, but if you've quit, I'm not keeping you around out of respect for your blog's memory. Not that I don't respect your blog's memory...but you know what I mean.

On the plus side, Evil Corporate Masters today announced a permanent switch from Business Casual to Totally Casual all the time, not just on Fridays. So maybe not so Evil after all.

The Sum of Four Primes

(193 + 197 + 199 + 211)

It is also:

• The original toll-free area code for telephone calls
  
• The international direct dial code for toll-free phone calls
• A film speed
  
• The flight number of a doomed TWA Flight
• The name of a lame old Atari home computer
• A perfect score on an individual section of the SAT test or on one of the SAT Subject Tests
• The distance in meters of a track and field event
  
• The year in which Charlemagne was crowned Emperor by Pope Leo III, beginning the Holy Roman Empire
  
• The number of blog posts at "Where's My Jetpack?" as of this post.

By the way, advertisers, it is completely unnecessary, nay, completely retarded for you to tell us that there is a "1" in front of "800" when you print or speak your client's toll-free number. It's 2008. Most of us have figured out how to use the damn phone.

Seven Other Places

Here are seven other places you could be right now on this fascinating World Wide Waste of Time.

• Fred Leo of Every Sandwich analyzes the gang graffiti on his back fence from a marketing/messaging perspective.
• Working late at an agency...and discovering another bunch of reasons to hate your job.
• The view from your window, a regular reader generated feature of Andrew Sullivan's blog at The Atlantic.
• Can't afford expensive waders? Do it the Texan way.
• Survival of the spitefullest, from Drew at Married to The Sea. (Better known as the artist behind Toothpaste for Dinner.)
• Headed to Florida? Don't miss the Burt Reynolds & Friends Museum.
• Shipment of Fail! (Which I found through Carb Free Creativity, who left a comment at Yonder Ponder. Don't you love this scary and intricate web we weave?)

Yeah, I know. Technically, that was 11 other places. But I only used seven bullets. So shut up.