Dinner with Barack

Not dinner with the President. Not dinner with Obama. Nope. Just Barack. Your buddy, up against a brick wall like so many promising young bands and hopeful comedians. Barack. You and Barack. Dinner. That will be special.

I have no doubt that the skillful and shrewd tacticians of the Obama campaign are totally in touch with their audience (See that Google + icon?) and they will most likely outwit the Romney camp this November, but I wish they could reign in the coolness just a touch. We're talking about the leader of the most powerful country on earth - not Justin Bieber.

What will you and Barack talk about at dinner? My guess is he will feign interest in whatever you want to talk about and probably laugh at your lame jokes. He will also be familiar with your favorite music. He's cool like that. 

Spammy Banners Will Get Us Out of This Mess

A quick scan of my spam folder this morning and I find some fun subject lines:

"Nothing beats a huge stick"
"See your organ increase right before your eyes"
"The lady will love your monster snake pants."
"Donation from Mrs Sarah Dandr"


You probably don't know Sarah Dandr. She's from "Serbian." and has a "longtime cancer of the breast." Long, sad story. but she's a widow now with a ton of money and she needs my help. As soon as I finish this blog post, I'm sending her my bank account information. And I believe her, too, as she signed her letter to me "Yours in Christ."

And today I was checking this here blog, looking at some of the banners I have allowed to appear. I note I'm starting to get some big name sponsors like Netflix and Progressive Insurance. It's an awesome program, Google's ad thing, and since I started allowing ads on here, I've made $100, which over the life of this blog, averages out to about a nickel a day.

But when you're creating ads, do you think you might employ a proofreader; one who speaks English? My readers expect better than this ad to your left. I feel like I'm being approached by a fast talking, shady dude on the streets of Tijuana with this ad. Maybe I'm supposed to read that headline and think, "Wow, exotic. Love how she phrased that. I can hear her hot accent already."

I've always said the Internet is the Wild West, the new Frontier, where it's wide open to everyone, from Sarah in Serbia to Latin Beauties, every man and woman for him/herself. Everyone hoping to make a dollar, a euro, a peso or pound. I guess there's room for headlines like "Seeking For Latin Beauty?" Actually, I should expect more of them and welcome them. It gives the blog an international feel. We're all in this together, Sarah, this chick above, you, me. So click those banners people; shop and travel. The world economy ain't gonna fix itself.

Banners That Catch Your Eye

Not that you're likely to click on them, but they do half the job.

Crist Unleashes Too Little Too Late Banner Campaign

Charlie Crist, the man who hastily got married in an effort to disspell rumors that he was gay so that John McCain would consider him for his running mate before McCain so graciously gave America Sarah Palin, is in a futile battle with Marco Rubio, the Tea-Party favorite predicted to win a Senate seat for Florida today. Crist has been relatively silent in the ad department, while Rubio saturated the airwaves. Now Crist appears in banners, the day of the election, with these silly ads that attempt to make Rubio look like Fidel Castro and Che Guevara's best friend. Or at least make him look like some third-world terrorist and fugitive. All shadowy and blue, with disjointed font that suggests chaos. He's "too extreme." Vote for the tan white man. Kendrick Meek, my early favorite, is now a distant third. 

Crist, by nearly every account, is a career opportunist, always looking for the next rung on the ladder that will take him to his ultimate goal, his own private tanning bed in the Oval Office. After he loses today, I wonder what a guy who has spent his entire life in public office looking for the next opportunity is going to do. Reality show? Game-show host? "Who Wants to Be a Politician?" I wouldn't put it past him.

I'll head up to the polls at lunch and cast my worthless vote. I will ride my bike there. In flip-flops and shorts. Our polling station is the local Baptist church, and it is always a strange feeling to observe the old, Conservative white people who staff the polls observing me. And I know what they're thinking. But they are wrong. I am an independent. But if you ride your bike to the polling station in flip-flops in this neighborhood, you're clearly voting one way. Maybe I'll spray-paint the red Anarchy symbol on an old t-shirt just to freak them out a little more.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

"One Trick of a Tiny Belly" Ads, as Written By Mel Gibson

I'm about sick of these ads, almost as pervasive these days as Dancing Gay Cowboys were a few years ago.

Now that he needs work and the public can't seem to get enough of his crazy behavior, I think Mr. Gibson should take to advertising.

Digging for Gold

There are dating sites exclusively for Christians, and dating sites for people who are looking for a clandestine hookup outside of their marriages. And there's a site for people who only want to date millionaires. Sort of like "The Ladders" but this time you're not looking for a job, you're looking for someone who has a job. A very good job and a lot of money.

Looks mean nothing to you. You're not shallow. You know that looks change. Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain - they fade. And when they do, with EliteMeeting.com, you can find someone who will pay to preserve your youth. (Tagline: "Romance for the Successful and Attractive." Seriously.) You don't even care much about compatibility. What is that, really? So you like high art and he likes football? You like introspective memoirs and he likes Bruce Willis movies? These stupid trivialities are not what make for good relationships. Surely there's something on TV you two can agree on. If not, surely there's something the two of you can go out and buy that will bring smiles to your faces. You see, money doesn't buy happiness, but it can rent it for a long time.

Let's Give The Blue Hairs Some Ammo in This Fight

Not that it's a fight anymore, really, since Jay Leno got his old show back and will continue to make America not laugh every night until he finally retires to his warehouse full of luxury motorcars sometime in the very distant future.

It's a case of generations, or maybe just a case of sense of humor. Conan makes you cringe with him, that painful kind of humor they do on shows like The Office. Leno makes you cringe AT him, that painful kind of humor they do on say, Full House.

Conesy is doing an excellent job with his walking papers and $32 million. And that guy who created the Coco poster is making a little money. So even in defeat at the hands of Chinboy and the execs at NBC, Conesy seems like the real winner.

That's not fair to the folks with lace doilies on their armchairs. They got their nice young man back, that funny Italian fellow who tells the jokes. So why are they being treated like the bad guys? That skinny Irish man wasn't funny at all! He got what he deserved! Hurray for Jay!

Now You're Just Stereotyping

I think Examiner dotcom (the site trying very hard to be hyperlocal) is looking at my IP and matching it with an ad inventory marked "serial killer, unemployed, anarchist, anti-government, rapist."

I thought that was Idaho. Ah well. We have our share of freaks too, and they should refinance.

McComedy Central

In this homepage screenshot of Comedy Central's site, I've highlighted in blue everything that is not about McDonald's. I suppose by midday the background image will be of lunch.

While this is a rather exaggerated example, this is how it's done, New York Times. I know you don't want to be this cheap and lowbrow, but you're never going to get people to pay for news online that they can find elsewhere for free, as Newsday's debacle should've told you.

Yes, You Got My Attention. Freak.

I'm seeing this guy way too much in the sidebars of major sites. And he scares me. Are those his lower teeth? Did he have nostril enlarging surgery? Are those safety goggles? I trust he's CG and not a real person.

I'm not clicking on this shit, no matter what you're selling.

Master of Internet Marketing, Nay - ROCKSTAR

It looks like Daniel Day Lewis in a velvet top coat and high collared shirt, playing to a rabid Victorian crowd. Good sir, it would not at all be a haphazard conjecture to venture that you have indeed rocked this assemblage with a most impressive display of marketing.

Full Sail University, a vocational school for the film, recording and gaming industries, is seeking to make itself into a breeding ground for marketing rockstars. As if we needed more of those.

And if you're going with that font, I expect an umlaut somewhere.

This had to have been created in-house, and it is not a very good calling card as to what they will be teaching you.

Jesus Tested. Jesus Approved.

Christians join free? Do I have to show my stigmata to prove it? And this guy posing in front of what looks like a Powerpoint presentation, he is Certified Christian? How do I know that if he isn't wearing Tim Tebow bible verses under his eyes? He looks like an anchorman, and we all know the mainstream media hate Jesus. Or is it just your site that is Certified Christian? Who does the certification? What are the criteria to become certified?And if I am Danny or Suzy Christian, my head now spins with so many questions. Shouldn't I trust God to find me a match? Am I thwarting God's will, perhaps even letting you play God, if I join? What about those people who you charged to join your site, who aren't Christians and therefore aren't entitled to the free membership? What happens when you match a believer and a non-believer? I can already hear the fighting around the Holidays, when Jack wants a Christmas tree and Jill wants a Menorah.

I hate "Christian" businesses. I hate the concept of marketing to a specific faith group. It fosters and further deepens an already elitist "us" versus "them" mentality.

And so Christians have their own plumbers and electricians and radio and book stores. Just look for the little fish symbol and you know you're in good hands. Good honest hands attached to a heart that is pure and a head that believes like you do. And votes like you do, too. "Unclean" would the believer become were he or she to listen to music "of the world," or watch movies and read books that didn't support a particular world view. Keep your radio tuned to schlocky sub-par crap and your iPod filled with poorly produced pseudo-gospel of a thousand sub-genres. Don't drink. Don't smoke. Don't eat food sacrificed to idols. Don't lust. Except in your heart for Sarah Palin. Buy the books. Attend the seminars. Use the phrase, "Judge not lest ye be judged," only when someone is judging you.

But I can go on and on on this topic. And have. Somebody find me an agent.

Banner ad found at The Awl.

Fatass Model Disgusted... Nay, Repulsed!

Squatting on her bathroom scale in utter horror and disbelief, this obese model is REPULSED. Perhaps she can get paid to lose some of that flab. What a disgusting cow.

The 2011 Cars Will Be Here In January

What the hell. Yes, I am aware that the new model year cars are often available toward the end of the previous calendar year, but this is jumping the gun. Why not just start announcing some 2012 cars while you're at it?

I'm Guessing It Was The Client's Idea

Dog, little girl, goofy costumes. This local car dealer is loading up on local car dealer stereotypes.

We Buried Papa. It was Raining.

When you finally kick the bucket, don't leave your current wife (who will bring a date to your funeral) and your son Damien to look after themselves. Damien's going to need some money if he's ever going to get to Rome and rule the world, escaping the abuse of his future step-dad, who is just out of frame, with his hand on your widow's waist.

Accuquote, continuing in their campaign to become classiest advertiser on the web.

Somewhere, Jennifer Aniston is Laughing

It appears that turning yourself into a cartoon is a big deal right now. I suspect the trend will die out in about two days when people start saying, "That was so 26th of June." I live in a cartoon-world already, so I haven't had the urge to convert my Facebook or Twitter icons. Angelina implored me to do so via a banner ad at Twitpic, but I will resist her evil charms and instead re-title her banner.

Another Amazing Before/After Lie

Stunning turnaround, Helen, of Helen's Diet (dot com). Helen lives in YOUR TOWN, has two children and a wonderful husband. She's no guru. She just wants to share with you how to completely makeover your body by eating magic berries and sitting on the toilet.

If you try to leave Helen's site, she gets really concerned and starts throwing warnings at you, asking if you're sure you want to leave her site. "Look at me!" Helen cries, "Turn around and look at me!" She strips to her underwear and calls after you. "Eat my berries! I will cleanse your colon! I'm not doing this for me. It's for YOU!"

New Angle for the Military

You've seen Kim and her muffin-top. You've seen the super-abbed dudes in the sidebar of websites, the abs of which you will never have in your lifetime even if you devoted the next ten years to doing nothing but sit-ups all day long. Everyone wants to be fit and look good at the beach. Diet and exercise are huge business and always will be. But those programs cost money.

It's a tough time to be a military recruiter, what with the whole risk of losing a limb or your life now more real than ever, so maybe the Armed Services need to jump on this, with the added pitch that they will pay you to get in shape. Sample banner below.

Actual before and after images from here after an image search for 'boot camp before and after.'

The Obamas Are Your New Ideal

A kind reader sent me this banner, in which you are encouraged to get your nasty, flabby arms in shape. How will you do that? By visiting Kim's Diet Plan (dot com). Apparently Kim is the one accosting everyone with images of her plumpness.

Kim wants to sell you some berries and clean your colon, which will make you have arms like Michelle Obama's. Presumably, she will also show you how to suck in your stomach. Kim lives in a nearby town, according to her website, unless her website is lying to me and filling in a different town name for every visitor, based on IP. But I don't think Kim would do that.

Kim's banners reminded me of the series of banners featuring ladies exercising because President Obama wants moms to go to school. The first one I saw was a women doing violent sit-ups. Then I saw two ladies in a gym boxing. Here's the latest.

A video of two women doing jumping jacks on the beach feels disconnected from the goal of getting moms to finish college, but what do I know? Dancing gay cowboys was a huge hit for lowermybills.com. And even they changed horses and got on the Obama gravy train.

The goal, banner designers, is to get attention, like the lowest form of humor: slapstick. The banner ad doesn't need to have anything at all to do with whatever it is you're selling. Allow me to demonstrate.

Let's imagine a product or service. I know! Printer cartridges! Here's how we will sell them in a banner ad.


Maybe that was a cheap shot. OK. I'll try again.