Toyota On The Hot Seat Because Their Trucks Are Good

Counter-terrorism officials want to know why ISIS dudes are tooling around in Toyota trucks.

Let me save you the trouble, US Officials.

Toyota trucks are good. I own one. A 2015 Tacoma. Love it.

If you are suggesting that Toyota is somehow in league with ISIS, (and it seems like you are) that's just so much bullshit.

Do they sell Toyotas in Syria? How about Iran? Iraq? Saudi Arabia? Turkey?

I'm guessing...yes?

That's where they got them.

Do you think Toyota execs are loving it every time an image of one of their vehicles is featured in the news with a band of ISIS dudes kicking up dust across the desert with a black flag and a 50 caliber machine gun in the bed? Naw...probably not. And I'm sure they frown on the way they overload the bed. You're not even supposed to ride back there!

Now, if Ford wants to jump in here, or Chevy, and make some counter-claim in their advertising, something along the lines of, "Terrorists Rarely Drive Our Trucks," that's probably fair game.

No foul here, America. Just a good truck.

How About a Little Respect for The Genius of Volkswagen?

So what if they found a way to work around the ridiculous American emissions standards?

VW is known for quality, tightly-screwed-together vehicles. They are known for engineering. They are known for their very German-ness. It's the poor man's BMW.

I drive a Jetta. Not a diesel Jetta like the ones the carmaker toyed with in their genius way. Mine is a 5-speed, stripped down, doesn't-even-have-cruise-control, smallest engine available, black Jetta. It is as German as it can be in its functional-ness. It gets me to work and back. In a sporting way. It has no guts on the takeoff, but at cruising speed I can downshift and gain some torque. It's a fun drive. It's a VW. Tight. The doors go, "shunhk" when you close them. It's what I expected from a VW.

So you're in the VW labs in Germany and you've built this very fine, tight, fast, efficient vehicle and along comes an email from the U.S. EPA that says, "You have to meet these requirements when it comes to emissions." You gather with your fellow engineers and you play around. You find that to meet these requirements your car will sacrifice something in the area that you stake your reputation on. Maybe it's fuel efficiency. Maybe it's power. I don't know. I'm not an engineer. But something made these engineers say, "Screw you, America. Here's what we're gonna do..."

So they rig the cars to pass the tests through software! Brilliant! They pass the stupid American tests and still get the car they wanted to build. THAT'S what I expect from Germany. Ingenuity, albeit in a dark and underhanded way. Still, sheer genius.

Makes me even prouder to own a VW.  

Parents: Bust Your Wayward Daughters

VW is hyping its "low-speed corner illuminating headlights" on the 2013 CC with this full-page ad appearing in many publications.

This is a feature no one has cared about since it was first tried in the 1930s, so it was a tough sell for the people making this ad. "Big deal!" the copywriter said, "They only work at low speed. I can only see that being beneficial when your daughter, whose grades are slipping, is hiding in the bushes with that loser skater kid who needs his ass kicked."

And so they made an ad based on that.

If you've seen a new CC on the street, you know it's not a bad looking vehicle with way more going for it than this. Copy reads: "It's a simple solution that may lead to some complicated conversations."

Weak. 

Indulgence - They Has It

I have never in my life known anyone to give or get a new car for Christmas, but the car companies sure think it's a good idea. They always have. And I suppose they'll give you the giant bow as well for when you blindfold your loved-one and walk them to the driveway to reveal the gift you'll both be paying for for the next five years.

But Acura is running some spots for the Holidays that you might not fast-forward though on your DVR. Concept, writing, and above all, casting, are sharp. My favorite is this guy, showing off his post-modern gingerbread house. The pauses make it.



Others in the series include:

Over-lighted house guy

800 thread-count stocking lady

And the very Walken-esque "Chestnut." (Seriously, there's no way the writer and director weren't thinking Walken when they produced this.)

GM, Goodby Pulling Stupid Stunt

In today's New York Times, an internal Chevrolet memo is reported on, and I'm calling "Bullshit." According to two idiots in GM's upper management,

"We’d ask that whether you’re talking to a dealer, reviewing dealer advertising or speaking with friends and family, that you communicate our brand as Chevrolet moving forward."

They also say,

"When you look at the most recognized brands throughout the world, such as Coke or Apple for instance, one of the things they all focus on is the consistency of their branding. Why is this consistency so important? The more consistent a brand becomes, the more prominent and recognizable it is with the consumer. This is a big opportunity for us moving forward."

As if Coke isn't also called Coca-Cola. And yes, they said, "Moving forward" twice. The article then quotes one Klaus-Peter Martin, a GM spokesman, who confirmed the memo, saying, "We’re going to use Chevrolet instead of Chevy going forward in our communications." Martin said the move is linked to Chevy's switch to new agency Goodby, Silverstein & Partners.

Going forward. Moving forward. Branding. Consistency in branding. Bullshit. As if Chevy isn't just as well known a name (if not more so) as Chevrolet. If this is Goodby's doing, I'm disappointed. An agency known for good work shouldn't pull stupid stunts like this. This has the stench of set-up. I suspect a turnaround in a few months. A calculated and transparent "change of heart" where the big wigs at Chevy will announce something to the effect of,

"The American people have spoken. They love the nickname "Chevy." We miscalculated in our efforts to be consistent in our branding. We can no more change America's mind about America's favorite car than we could ask them not to salute the flag, eat apple pie and play baseball. Going forward, you can call Chevrolet "Chevy" all you want, and you can keep calling it America's favorite car."

If I'm wrong and this isn't just a stupid stunt, then it's just plain stupid. A brand should be lucky to have an affectionate nickname. McDonald's embraces "Mickey D's" and up until now, Chevrolet has always embraced "Chevy."

And not surprisingly, a few pages after the article is a full-page ad from Chevy announcing that its Equinox model has won some award from Consumer's Digest. And where do they tell us we can go to learn more? Chevy.com.

(Go on. Click it. I worked hard mutilating this old Chevy ad)

That Crazy Bavarian Humor

BMW isn't known for doing humor, but they've done it well in this ad for their "pre-owned" vehicles. Wish I knew the agency, not that it matters. And for all I know this is an old ad, though I'd never seen it until this morning. Rather, I wish I knew the writers. They've sold the lasting value of a BMW while poking fun at the prestige. I'm not sure of the relationship between the dad and the scout leader in this spot, but they could be taken for exes as her contempt for him seems born of familiarity.



'Course, I'm predisposed to like most things BMW does, as I've always lusted for their cars. They just seem...I don't know...tighter?

Don Draper Lands Mercedes-Benz Account

If you watch Mad Men, there's no mistaking the voice now heard as the pitchman for Mercedes. Whether or not it's as good a voice as their former epic-sounding guy I don't think is even debatable. The previous guy lent a weight and authority to Mercedes that the actor Jon Hamm lacks. (Some say the former VO guy was Richard Thomas, aka John-boy Walton.) Hamm sounds wimpy in comparison, like he's not even sure he believes in this product, sort of like he's playing that wishy-washy Don Draper, who just bumbled into the studio when the real voiceover guy was sick and volunteered to read the script. And the scripts aren't helping him at all. I heard one last night where they actually used that lamest of lame lines, "The question is not whether you can afford to drive a Mercedes Benz, but whether you can afford NOT to," with, naturally, an image of a child in the backseat. Translation: "Drive a Mercedes or your kid DIES!"

The Apology Ad

My first car was a Toyota, a hand-me-down Celica from my Dad. It wasn't mine for very long before I fell asleep at the wheel and rolled it on I-5 in San Diego early one morning. I promptly replaced it with another used Celica, this one a little newer and with one more gear. Since then I've owned two more Toyotas and there's one in the driveway right now. I've been a loyalist I suppose, and have always trusted the company to make long-lasting, reliable vehicles. If I could afford to, I would pay way too much money to own one of the original Land Cruisers, before Land Cruiser got all snotty and shiny and became the preferred truck of snotty, shiny women carting their kids to school.

So now they're recalling how many cars? 8 million? And deaths can be attributed to some manufacturing flaws? How do you rebound from that? Toyota is all over the news in the most embarrassing way a manufacturer can be in the news, with many wondering if they'll ever recover from this blow. In Japan it is being seen as the prelude to the country's post-industrialization era. And while I agree with the company's policy of public apology, (very Japanese of them) I don't like this spot much. They want to "restore your faith in our company" says the voiceover guy who received the following direction: "We need you to sound like you're very sorry, like you're almost crying, like a married politician who got busted having an affair."



Nonetheless, I don't know how you could've done this ad better. They tell the story of a company with a heritage of quality that majorly fucked up and is now working like dogs to fix their fuck-ups and get out of the doghouse. Well, you might've given your voiceover guy a little less simpering wimp intonation and let him read it differently, but whatever, voiceover guys are a dime a dozen. They can easily replace the audio track. 

When you search Toyota on YouTube, you'll find the company has bought the top listing. Another wise move. And leave it to the YouTube comment "community" to let Toyota know how they feel:

"...you can not hide 20 deaths and call your product HIGH QUALITY."

"BUY AMERICAN!"

"Remember Pearl Harbor!"

I can see a day when this bad season is behind Toyota and they are back in form, winning our trust again, but it's going to take something really awesome, like an electric car that goes 500 miles on a charge. Or a jetpack.

It's Got a Great Beat and It Makes Me Buy Cars

Too often, advertisers for cars don't even try anymore. Find a song you like and put some images up. Done. For instance, Spoon for Jaguar. Or more currently, Phoenix's "1901" being used by Cadillac. Lincoln is triple dipping these days, putting Shiny Toy Guns cover of "Major Tom" to work for the MKZ, Cat Power's cover of "Space Oddity" for the MKS, and here's one for the MKT, trying to get into the heads of people who remember this song.



It is a good song, but this cover by Sia is a little on the anemic side.

Here's the real one, from The Church, 1989. I'm glad these long forgotten Aussie boys are making some coin from Lincoln, but I wish I'd never seen their video for the song now. They're doing that gross, 80s stare at the camera thing while telling a disjointed story about a girl walking around with a gold frame, a style perfected by their far more successful countryman Michael Hutchence.



Anyway, now that that trip through the glory days of Australian rock is over, I don't think this sells a single car.

The 2011 Cars Will Be Here In January

What the hell. Yes, I am aware that the new model year cars are often available toward the end of the previous calendar year, but this is jumping the gun. Why not just start announcing some 2012 cars while you're at it?

Expect it To Sell

A couple of teaser screen-grabs from a video teasing the new MINI coupe and convertible. The styling is faithful to the original, but infinitely cooler. Must be nice to work on this account. Unveiling soon at the Frankfurt Motor Show.


Seen at AdRants.

VW Won't Be Happy With Any Agency

In a cleverly crafted statement, Tim Ellis, VW's VP of Marketing, said,

"We are re-evaluating all areas of our business, and after careful considerations have decided to take the necessary steps to ensure we have the right agency partner in place."

In a nice gesture, the current agency was invited to defend their position. They politely said, "Um. Thanks. But fuck off."

What a tough gig for any agency, honestly. You will have a very lofty goal to meet, in that

"Volkswagen has embarked on a mission to significantly grow our business here in this market. Our goal of rapidly increasing our volume in a mature market requires the Volkswagen brand to evolve into a more relevant mainstream choice."

I like what CP+B did with VW. The talking old Beetle with the German accent was cute. The tag "Get Your Autobahn On" was inventive. And for my money, the "Un-pimp Your Ride" spots were awesome. You can't go wrong with the evil, eye-transplant doctor from "Minority Report" and a sexy assistant.

Now, feast your eyes on this image for a few seconds and then, stay with me.


I'm guessing CP+B's very noble attempts didn't sell Volkswagens. Not even Brooke Shields' ridiculous efforts to move the "Routan" helped. (What is it with these VW names?)

Gone are the days when VW had pricing on its side. VW no longer lives up to its brand's very translation: "The People's Car." It's now an overpriced near luxury line. If they want to be a "relevant mainstream choice," they're going to have to build another people's car. And I'm not talking about that re-issue of the Beetle. Bring back the real Beetle, with super-competitive pricing. (They were still making them as late as 2003 in Mexico, so all the tools are in place.)

Volkswagen is a far cry from, and secretly envy of, (in a German way) BMW, Porsche and Mercedes, who together fom the Holy Saxon Trinity of Awesome Bavarian Machinery. "The Three" have ruled the Austrian, Stuttgart-region's, Hyper-Engineered, Super-Deluxe, Custom-Luxury market since the end of the War to End All Wars. To the "Big Three of Germany," VW is a child; Hitler's failed experiment in Nationalistic Socialistic Capitalistic Materialistic Industrialistic Carmakerism. (Volkwagen's prettier step-sister, Audi, shares 4th billing.)

So, short of the Beetle. maybe VW re-issues the eternally cool van (some would call it a "bus") with Safari Windows^TM, pictured above. Or maybe, VW, you can get your much-revered "German Engineering^TM" reputation busy crafting an affordable electric vehicle.

"German" was about all CP+B could come up with. So, maybe VW should continue in that vein and live up to the hype. Kick The Big Three at their game, yo.

(And for the love of Phaëton, son of Helios, stop with the retarded naming tradition!)

Cute isn't going to fix VW. Neither will sexy. Whatever agency wins this account will be trying to defend it in two years, after Tim Ellis has been sacked and the new VP of Marketing is charged with the impossible task of "evolving the brand into a more relevant mainstream choice."

In other words: "VW needs to remake itself." And they do that by going all the way back to their ugly roots: a people's car.

I'm just telling you what most agencies won't, VW. If any of this resonates with you, consider this my pitch. I'll find an art director in short order. We'll redo how it's done.

Work with me here, People's Car.


The above ideas are copyrighted, henceforth, from this day, in the Year of Our Lord, Two Thousand and Nine, and are therefore safe from theft or misapropriation by the VW People or Their Lawyers.

Marked herein by the timestamp of Google. Forever and ever and ever in digital eternity. Amen.

Avant-Retarde

"Cube is the new Black" says a loading message on Nissan's site for their new "mobile device." Nice start, Nissan. You've just employed the most stolen and overused slogan since "Got [blank]?" Hey, I know! Let's turn Cube into a verb! "Do you Cube?" "Let's Cube!" Another loading message says "Symmetry is so last year." And getting high school girls with a C average to write your messaging is so, I dunno, like retarded?

But enough about their failures in marketing. Let's instead look at the car and what Nissan is trying to push onto the American car buyer. I saw one of these ugly little beasts on the way to work this morning. The asymmetrical rear window made me do a double-take, then I sped up to get a look at the logo on the rear door. It had temporary tags on it and I have no doubt it was being delivered to some clinically narcissistic style princess in South Beach.

A great review of the car is here.

Aside from the rear window, there is no asymmetry, and yet note the license plate in this picture. Nissan intends to hang its Cube hat on the rear window, and on the goofy stupidity of a car that is less a car and more a "mobile device." This car is all about being extraordinarily cool, or "groovy" as the caption to this "Shag Dash Topper" says. Why one needs a Shag Dash Topper is a mystery to me, but I'm not groovy like that.


The car comes with mood lighting and other funky features that will make you the envy of all your friends at the community college.

I need a word for how this car makes me feel. But there is no word. Only sounds.

"Gah!"

Volkswagen Continues Dumb Name Tradition

Here's Volkswagen's entry into the truck market. They're calling it "Amarok," an Inuit name for "wolf."

"This name fits the characteristics of our pickup perfectly, which will set new standards in its class," says Stephan Schaller, CEO of Volkswagen Commercial Vehicles.

Sure, Stephan, you walking book of clichés. What else could you have said?

When you've already gone down the road of stupid names, (EOS, Golf, Jetta, Passat, Phaeton, Touareg, Routan) I guess you just have to keep going. Much better, I think, to go the "series" route, like BMW. But you pay extra for that.

And Before You Know It, It's Lunch Time

Damn this Internet! A random thought pops in your head like, "car ad" and you do a fast image search and very quickly you're lost on some faraway site. This one is for Puget Sound's Corvair lovers, the car that gave Ralph Nader his start as a consumer advocate and all around pain in the ass. And you're quickly lost in another time.

From the old days, when graphic artists were actually artists, and a car brochure was something to see, hold and drool over. Look at that interior rendering. No seat belts! Read that copy. "Frisky". (That is one dumb word to describe a car.) And look at this image. Taken from a photograph? I don't know, but it almost looks like the watercolor filter from Photoshop. Some hilly city in Europe during springtime, a pretty brunette contrasting with the old tourists around her as she gets out of Chevy's new car. Barefoot! Nicely done.

Large

I wonder what it was like to work in the place that designed that brochure. I'll bet it smelled of cigarette smoke and bourbon, toxic markers and hair gel. And though they were years away from being online, I'll bet they still found ways to procrastinate a dreaded job.

Detroit: You're Doomed

mas grande

Tesla Motors of California apparently got the message that not too many people could handle the $100K+ sticker on their sporty little electric car and are now taking orders for a newer version, the Model S, only half as pricey as the original Roadster. Looks like a promising vehicle, but that's still a big chunk of change to most of us.

I'm seeing beautifully produced TV ads these days for GM and Chrysler, ads that were paid for, I'm sure, with the money those companies got to rescue them. But as I'm looking at their offerings, I'm thinking to myself, "I don't want a computerized car that shows me maps and plays my iPod while warming my ass and sweetly talking to me." I don't care how many configurations the seats fold into. I want to get from Point A to Point B in relative comfort, with a minimal amount of expense in terms of price, maintenance and gas usage. And if it had some sense of style—wow—I'd be impressed. But Detroit can't seem to understand this.

So, go Tesla. After you've made a ton of money selling electric cars to rich people, maybe you can bring out a third model that the common Joe and Jane can afford. And please don't make it look like shit just because it's cheaper. Take a cue from the Target/Michael Graves teaming. Style doesn't have to be expensive.

Buy American

How dare you ask "Why?" Because it's the American thing to do!

And if you don't, the government will make sure these failed car companies stay in business, because we're Americans and we stick by Americans, even when they suck at their jobs, and they build an inferior product, and they pay their employees too much, and they ignore market demand.

What's wrong with you? You hate America?

Clicken Machen Grossen Imagen

I find myself firmly in the "Let Them Die" camp on this one. It's business. You failed. You eat it. Don't saddle me with your fuck-ups.

A Jag by Any Other Name Would be a Ford

I've said it before, Jaguars look like Hyundais these days and Hyundais look like Jaguars. Now Jaguar has a new seizure inducing website to introduce the new XF. The Flash overkill on this site is like those rock guitarists who make all kinds of noise by turning up the gain and distortion and then running a pick all up and down the strings. It's not friendly to the eyes at all. What I noted most about the new XF is that they've removed the iconic Jaguar hood ornament from the vehicle. Shame.

We Concepted for Weeks on This

The copywriters working on Chevy's print ads have been phoning it in lately, relying on lyrics from rock music to do the talking for their cars. This one features a line from a Motley Crue song. Another ad sports some throwaway line from AC/DC.














I thought I'd help them out and create their next ad for them.

Hyundai Knows You Want a BMW

Saw an interesting out-of-focus full-page ad on the back of the NYT business section this week, something about a car should have more airbags than cupholders, with ThinkAboutIt.com as the only call to action. So I went. A nice site, really, but this copy at left struck me as odd. Sort of like, "Hey, we know. Our logo sucks, but our Korean overlords won't let us change it. So stop being so shallow about brand image and deal."

Hyundai has always had trouble with image in the US. At first it was their name that no one knew how to pronounce. Then it was getting people over the hurdle of buying a Korean car. We knew German, Japanese, Swedish, Italian, French and British, but we didn't even know Korea made cars. Then it was the fact that Hyundais were perceived as a cheap unknown, with no record for reliability. When I see the Hyundai logo on the front of a car, I still have a hard time shaking those early notions I attached to the Hyundai name, and to a lesser degree, their logo.

But Hyundai's image has changed now in the minds of many, and Hyundai is currently the 6th largest car maker in the world. Still, I don't think I'd ever buy one.

Or maybe I would if they changed their logo.