Rebel Without a Plan

When I first caught the headline that Harley-Davidson and its long-time agency Carmichael-Lynch had parted ways, I thought it was the typical case of the client firing the agency. Turns out it was the other way around. Ad people love that kind of story. Kicking a big, stubborn client to the curb is the dream of many. 

Everyone knows that Harley is fairly stuck in a groove (perhaps a rut) of selling its wares to people of a certain demographic: suburban, middle-aged, professional, white; people for whom the motorcycle is a mere hobby, albeit a somewhat serious hobby - and an expensive one. Living in a state that attracts motorcycle enthusiasts, and particularly Harley enthusiasts, year-round for gatherings, events and hanging out, I can tell you that the stereotype of Barbie and Ken Biker is an accurate one. It's almost to the point that Harley is the opposite of what it wants to be - what it used to be: cool. How cool is it to have the same bike as everyone else when everyone else is a grey-haired guy playing biker on the weekend?

They were on a wild ride for a long time. Big, loud, shiny and expensive, with an official accessories line that includes branded clothing for infants and HD-branded doo-rags for the dudes who don't know how to tie a real bandana into a doo-rag, but Harley has finally been slowed down by the economy. You can't sell a $15,000 toy to a guy who isn't sure he'll have a job next month, even if you do offer your own easy financing. I'm not saying Harley didn't do things right. They had perfect pitch for the high-rolling times they thrived in.

But now is a dangerous time to be Harley, and if they keep doing what they've always done they will only sink further. There are a few directions they can take this, and each will require bold thinking and a fair amount of risk. But since Harley prides itself on the rebel image, maybe they'd be willing to prove that image by actually being what they've only pretended to be for too long. Harley's CMO, Mark-Hans Richer said, "the company feels good about its creative direction." OK, Mark-Hans, you keep doing it your way and we'll keep seeing headlines like this.

I hear Wisconsin is beautiful this time of year. Send the corporate jet down to fly me up and I'll give you the pitch. I'll do it off-the cuff, Don Draper style. Should only take a couple of minutes. Afterward, I'd like to tour that $60 million museum if there's time. Then maybe we can catch a Packers game from your skybox at Lambeau.

VW Won't Be Happy With Any Agency

In a cleverly crafted statement, Tim Ellis, VW's VP of Marketing, said,

"We are re-evaluating all areas of our business, and after careful considerations have decided to take the necessary steps to ensure we have the right agency partner in place."

In a nice gesture, the current agency was invited to defend their position. They politely said, "Um. Thanks. But fuck off."

What a tough gig for any agency, honestly. You will have a very lofty goal to meet, in that

"Volkswagen has embarked on a mission to significantly grow our business here in this market. Our goal of rapidly increasing our volume in a mature market requires the Volkswagen brand to evolve into a more relevant mainstream choice."

I like what CP+B did with VW. The talking old Beetle with the German accent was cute. The tag "Get Your Autobahn On" was inventive. And for my money, the "Un-pimp Your Ride" spots were awesome. You can't go wrong with the evil, eye-transplant doctor from "Minority Report" and a sexy assistant.

Now, feast your eyes on this image for a few seconds and then, stay with me.


I'm guessing CP+B's very noble attempts didn't sell Volkswagens. Not even Brooke Shields' ridiculous efforts to move the "Routan" helped. (What is it with these VW names?)

Gone are the days when VW had pricing on its side. VW no longer lives up to its brand's very translation: "The People's Car." It's now an overpriced near luxury line. If they want to be a "relevant mainstream choice," they're going to have to build another people's car. And I'm not talking about that re-issue of the Beetle. Bring back the real Beetle, with super-competitive pricing. (They were still making them as late as 2003 in Mexico, so all the tools are in place.)

Volkswagen is a far cry from, and secretly envy of, (in a German way) BMW, Porsche and Mercedes, who together fom the Holy Saxon Trinity of Awesome Bavarian Machinery. "The Three" have ruled the Austrian, Stuttgart-region's, Hyper-Engineered, Super-Deluxe, Custom-Luxury market since the end of the War to End All Wars. To the "Big Three of Germany," VW is a child; Hitler's failed experiment in Nationalistic Socialistic Capitalistic Materialistic Industrialistic Carmakerism. (Volkwagen's prettier step-sister, Audi, shares 4th billing.)

So, short of the Beetle. maybe VW re-issues the eternally cool van (some would call it a "bus") with Safari Windows^TM, pictured above. Or maybe, VW, you can get your much-revered "German Engineering^TM" reputation busy crafting an affordable electric vehicle.

"German" was about all CP+B could come up with. So, maybe VW should continue in that vein and live up to the hype. Kick The Big Three at their game, yo.

(And for the love of Phaëton, son of Helios, stop with the retarded naming tradition!)

Cute isn't going to fix VW. Neither will sexy. Whatever agency wins this account will be trying to defend it in two years, after Tim Ellis has been sacked and the new VP of Marketing is charged with the impossible task of "evolving the brand into a more relevant mainstream choice."

In other words: "VW needs to remake itself." And they do that by going all the way back to their ugly roots: a people's car.

I'm just telling you what most agencies won't, VW. If any of this resonates with you, consider this my pitch. I'll find an art director in short order. We'll redo how it's done.

Work with me here, People's Car.


The above ideas are copyrighted, henceforth, from this day, in the Year of Our Lord, Two Thousand and Nine, and are therefore safe from theft or misapropriation by the VW People or Their Lawyers.

Marked herein by the timestamp of Google. Forever and ever and ever in digital eternity. Amen.