Parents: Bust Your Wayward Daughters

VW is hyping its "low-speed corner illuminating headlights" on the 2013 CC with this full-page ad appearing in many publications.

This is a feature no one has cared about since it was first tried in the 1930s, so it was a tough sell for the people making this ad. "Big deal!" the copywriter said, "They only work at low speed. I can only see that being beneficial when your daughter, whose grades are slipping, is hiding in the bushes with that loser skater kid who needs his ass kicked."

And so they made an ad based on that.

If you've seen a new CC on the street, you know it's not a bad looking vehicle with way more going for it than this. Copy reads: "It's a simple solution that may lead to some complicated conversations."

Weak. 

Super Saturated Street Views - "Moving Pictures" Edition

Some time back, I was cruising around the world on Google Street Views and came across a Porsche just south of Bellagio in Italy, meandering along the shores of Lago di Como behind the Google Street View Car. I thought, "That'd make a nice Porsche ad." Then recently, I was watching a Rush documentary and wondering, "How come no Rush music has ever been featured in a commercial?" UPDATE: MTLB thinks Rush music was used for a Nissan Pathfinder commercial some years back. Regardless, this will make that look like trash.

So, I'm combining the two interests - Rush and Street Views. Here's an ad made entirely from Google, including the pull-away at the end using Google Maps. I even took the tune from YouTube, where every song you ever wanted to hear resides for free, except the music of Prince, who has a crack legal team that will sue your ass in two shakes of a backup dancer's tail if you so much as THINK of one of his songs without asking.

And every Rush fan, be they old school headbangers or fans of "The Mullet Years" will agree, YYZ is the tune that unites every generation of Rush fan, and I've selected the best :30 of that tune. So here goes: I'm ready to be a one man crowd-source with this thing and take a couple hundred grand, 'cause I need a new roof. (And a Porsche, s'long as I'm at it.)

Here's the reasoning:

• Rush and Porsche are a natural fit: Power + Precision
• Some older Rush fans are wealthy now, even in this recession, and Rush fans are out of the closet. This tune will stop them in their tracks, guaranteed.
• Porsche HAS to be hurting in this economy.
• It rocks.
• It was easy and cheap. Took me a few hours. Keep in mind, this is spec. We'll make it HD and pretty in a nice studio somewhere. (It's the IDEA that counts, bitches.)
• It's an opening for Google to license their Street Views for commercial usage, seeing as they're out to rule the online revenue world.

Well, I guess I've opened up an opportunity for at least three entities to order me to cease and desist, and to them I say, "Live a little and lighten up." (And feel free to hire me. And of course we can work on my lame tagline at the end. But it's easy, cheesy and obvious, in anticipation of the client's desires.)

Don Draper Lands Mercedes-Benz Account

If you watch Mad Men, there's no mistaking the voice now heard as the pitchman for Mercedes. Whether or not it's as good a voice as their former epic-sounding guy I don't think is even debatable. The previous guy lent a weight and authority to Mercedes that the actor Jon Hamm lacks. (Some say the former VO guy was Richard Thomas, aka John-boy Walton.) Hamm sounds wimpy in comparison, like he's not even sure he believes in this product, sort of like he's playing that wishy-washy Don Draper, who just bumbled into the studio when the real voiceover guy was sick and volunteered to read the script. And the scripts aren't helping him at all. I heard one last night where they actually used that lamest of lame lines, "The question is not whether you can afford to drive a Mercedes Benz, but whether you can afford NOT to," with, naturally, an image of a child in the backseat. Translation: "Drive a Mercedes or your kid DIES!"

The Apology Ad

My first car was a Toyota, a hand-me-down Celica from my Dad. It wasn't mine for very long before I fell asleep at the wheel and rolled it on I-5 in San Diego early one morning. I promptly replaced it with another used Celica, this one a little newer and with one more gear. Since then I've owned two more Toyotas and there's one in the driveway right now. I've been a loyalist I suppose, and have always trusted the company to make long-lasting, reliable vehicles. If I could afford to, I would pay way too much money to own one of the original Land Cruisers, before Land Cruiser got all snotty and shiny and became the preferred truck of snotty, shiny women carting their kids to school.

So now they're recalling how many cars? 8 million? And deaths can be attributed to some manufacturing flaws? How do you rebound from that? Toyota is all over the news in the most embarrassing way a manufacturer can be in the news, with many wondering if they'll ever recover from this blow. In Japan it is being seen as the prelude to the country's post-industrialization era. And while I agree with the company's policy of public apology, (very Japanese of them) I don't like this spot much. They want to "restore your faith in our company" says the voiceover guy who received the following direction: "We need you to sound like you're very sorry, like you're almost crying, like a married politician who got busted having an affair."



Nonetheless, I don't know how you could've done this ad better. They tell the story of a company with a heritage of quality that majorly fucked up and is now working like dogs to fix their fuck-ups and get out of the doghouse. Well, you might've given your voiceover guy a little less simpering wimp intonation and let him read it differently, but whatever, voiceover guys are a dime a dozen. They can easily replace the audio track. 

When you search Toyota on YouTube, you'll find the company has bought the top listing. Another wise move. And leave it to the YouTube comment "community" to let Toyota know how they feel:

"...you can not hide 20 deaths and call your product HIGH QUALITY."

"BUY AMERICAN!"

"Remember Pearl Harbor!"

I can see a day when this bad season is behind Toyota and they are back in form, winning our trust again, but it's going to take something really awesome, like an electric car that goes 500 miles on a charge. Or a jetpack.

It's Got a Great Beat and It Makes Me Buy Cars

Too often, advertisers for cars don't even try anymore. Find a song you like and put some images up. Done. For instance, Spoon for Jaguar. Or more currently, Phoenix's "1901" being used by Cadillac. Lincoln is triple dipping these days, putting Shiny Toy Guns cover of "Major Tom" to work for the MKZ, Cat Power's cover of "Space Oddity" for the MKS, and here's one for the MKT, trying to get into the heads of people who remember this song.



It is a good song, but this cover by Sia is a little on the anemic side.

Here's the real one, from The Church, 1989. I'm glad these long forgotten Aussie boys are making some coin from Lincoln, but I wish I'd never seen their video for the song now. They're doing that gross, 80s stare at the camera thing while telling a disjointed story about a girl walking around with a gold frame, a style perfected by their far more successful countryman Michael Hutchence.



Anyway, now that that trip through the glory days of Australian rock is over, I don't think this sells a single car.

VW Won't Be Happy With Any Agency

In a cleverly crafted statement, Tim Ellis, VW's VP of Marketing, said,

"We are re-evaluating all areas of our business, and after careful considerations have decided to take the necessary steps to ensure we have the right agency partner in place."

In a nice gesture, the current agency was invited to defend their position. They politely said, "Um. Thanks. But fuck off."

What a tough gig for any agency, honestly. You will have a very lofty goal to meet, in that

"Volkswagen has embarked on a mission to significantly grow our business here in this market. Our goal of rapidly increasing our volume in a mature market requires the Volkswagen brand to evolve into a more relevant mainstream choice."

I like what CP+B did with VW. The talking old Beetle with the German accent was cute. The tag "Get Your Autobahn On" was inventive. And for my money, the "Un-pimp Your Ride" spots were awesome. You can't go wrong with the evil, eye-transplant doctor from "Minority Report" and a sexy assistant.

Now, feast your eyes on this image for a few seconds and then, stay with me.


I'm guessing CP+B's very noble attempts didn't sell Volkswagens. Not even Brooke Shields' ridiculous efforts to move the "Routan" helped. (What is it with these VW names?)

Gone are the days when VW had pricing on its side. VW no longer lives up to its brand's very translation: "The People's Car." It's now an overpriced near luxury line. If they want to be a "relevant mainstream choice," they're going to have to build another people's car. And I'm not talking about that re-issue of the Beetle. Bring back the real Beetle, with super-competitive pricing. (They were still making them as late as 2003 in Mexico, so all the tools are in place.)

Volkswagen is a far cry from, and secretly envy of, (in a German way) BMW, Porsche and Mercedes, who together fom the Holy Saxon Trinity of Awesome Bavarian Machinery. "The Three" have ruled the Austrian, Stuttgart-region's, Hyper-Engineered, Super-Deluxe, Custom-Luxury market since the end of the War to End All Wars. To the "Big Three of Germany," VW is a child; Hitler's failed experiment in Nationalistic Socialistic Capitalistic Materialistic Industrialistic Carmakerism. (Volkwagen's prettier step-sister, Audi, shares 4th billing.)

So, short of the Beetle. maybe VW re-issues the eternally cool van (some would call it a "bus") with Safari Windows^TM, pictured above. Or maybe, VW, you can get your much-revered "German Engineering^TM" reputation busy crafting an affordable electric vehicle.

"German" was about all CP+B could come up with. So, maybe VW should continue in that vein and live up to the hype. Kick The Big Three at their game, yo.

(And for the love of Phaëton, son of Helios, stop with the retarded naming tradition!)

Cute isn't going to fix VW. Neither will sexy. Whatever agency wins this account will be trying to defend it in two years, after Tim Ellis has been sacked and the new VP of Marketing is charged with the impossible task of "evolving the brand into a more relevant mainstream choice."

In other words: "VW needs to remake itself." And they do that by going all the way back to their ugly roots: a people's car.

I'm just telling you what most agencies won't, VW. If any of this resonates with you, consider this my pitch. I'll find an art director in short order. We'll redo how it's done.

Work with me here, People's Car.


The above ideas are copyrighted, henceforth, from this day, in the Year of Our Lord, Two Thousand and Nine, and are therefore safe from theft or misapropriation by the VW People or Their Lawyers.

Marked herein by the timestamp of Google. Forever and ever and ever in digital eternity. Amen.

Avant-Retarde

"Cube is the new Black" says a loading message on Nissan's site for their new "mobile device." Nice start, Nissan. You've just employed the most stolen and overused slogan since "Got [blank]?" Hey, I know! Let's turn Cube into a verb! "Do you Cube?" "Let's Cube!" Another loading message says "Symmetry is so last year." And getting high school girls with a C average to write your messaging is so, I dunno, like retarded?

But enough about their failures in marketing. Let's instead look at the car and what Nissan is trying to push onto the American car buyer. I saw one of these ugly little beasts on the way to work this morning. The asymmetrical rear window made me do a double-take, then I sped up to get a look at the logo on the rear door. It had temporary tags on it and I have no doubt it was being delivered to some clinically narcissistic style princess in South Beach.

A great review of the car is here.

Aside from the rear window, there is no asymmetry, and yet note the license plate in this picture. Nissan intends to hang its Cube hat on the rear window, and on the goofy stupidity of a car that is less a car and more a "mobile device." This car is all about being extraordinarily cool, or "groovy" as the caption to this "Shag Dash Topper" says. Why one needs a Shag Dash Topper is a mystery to me, but I'm not groovy like that.


The car comes with mood lighting and other funky features that will make you the envy of all your friends at the community college.

I need a word for how this car makes me feel. But there is no word. Only sounds.

"Gah!"

No Free Ride for Car Dealers

They’ve likely ripped you off by a few thousand dollars, and yet you allow them to stick some ugly nameplate on your car as you drive off the lot. At the very least, they try to mount a tacky black plastic license plate frame to the rear end, complete with the dealer's URL and phone numbers. Or vinyl lettering. Whatever. And off you go, advertising this dealer for free everywhere you drive.

Unless you work there, or have a friend or relative who works there, or in the unlikely case that you really did enjoy your purchase experience so much that you want everyone to know about your friends the car dealers, why are you offering your vehicle up as this dealer's rolling outdoor signage?

Insist that if your vehicle is to carry one of these, you expect to be compensated. Otherwise, make them take it off.

Celebrity Voice Impersonated

One of the groups most known for having zero creativity in their ads are car dealers. And if they are doing something "creative," it's generally highly embarrassing and carries a Cringe Factor of 12*.

On a break for some provisions of the lunch variety, I heard a radio spot for a local Dodge dealer. It had to have been a :60, or it was the longest thirty seconds of my life. During this ad, various jokes were attempted using voice over "talent" who impersonated George Bush, Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Eddie Murphy. Way to keep it current, local yokels. If you have to go that route, at least do someone timeless like Christopher Walken. If there was a "deal" in that ad, I never heard it for all the idiocy of the execution.

It doesn't matter what medium, car dealers scrape the barrel for loud colors, ugly fonts and bad ideas. Since they're getting co-op dollars from the manufacturers, maybe the manufacturers can start helping them. Yeah, the rolling stock B-roll you supply your dealerships is pretty, with the leaves kicking up after the fast passing car races by, but when the dealers throw on cheesy spokeshacks (and...WALK as you talk - EXCELLENT!) carrying placards with phone numbers, you've just lowered the bar once again.

If you've got to go supercheese, take a lesson from the master, Cal Worthington.

*Cringometer readings may vary. Consult owner's manual for your particular model.