The Sum of Four Primes

(193 + 197 + 199 + 211)

It is also:

• The original toll-free area code for telephone calls
  
• The international direct dial code for toll-free phone calls
• A film speed
  
• The flight number of a doomed TWA Flight
• The name of a lame old Atari home computer
• A perfect score on an individual section of the SAT test or on one of the SAT Subject Tests
• The distance in meters of a track and field event
  
• The year in which Charlemagne was crowned Emperor by Pope Leo III, beginning the Holy Roman Empire
  
• The number of blog posts at "Where's My Jetpack?" as of this post.

By the way, advertisers, it is completely unnecessary, nay, completely retarded for you to tell us that there is a "1" in front of "800" when you print or speak your client's toll-free number. It's 2008. Most of us have figured out how to use the damn phone.

Sharing Some Good

Click image for full flavored freshness

On my way to work this morning I heard a somewhat labored and not fully fleshed-out radio ad in which the narrator implores the listeners to "share the good." He makes a vague reference to cleaning up garbage by the docks, sharing a beer and basically "doing your part." He mentions Heineken. He mentions a URL, "Sharethegood.com." And I'm thinking, "Please God, No! Not another SunChips-styled attempt to turn a product into a religion. The bottle is already green. What more do you want? Besides Rolling Rock, you're the Green Beer!"

So the first thing I do when I get to work is go to sharethegood.com. "Coming Soon" from register.com. is all there is right now. Who Is reveals it's registered to Brian Citron of New York City. He registered it on February 12 of this year. A quick Google search reveals Brian is Associate Brand Manager for Heineken, USA. (Firefox and IE will show it as unavailable. Safari reveals the register.com registration.) Here's a picture I found of Brian from The New York Times when his marriage was announced in 2005. Congratulations, by the way, sir.

Brian: Since you haven't yet launched the site but you're running radio for a site that isn't ready, you're now going to have to buy more radio when the site eventually goes live. Let's hope in the interim you can think through this "Share The Good" concept and not fall flat on your face as one more brand executing another self-satisfied half-stab at making the world a better place through [beer, chips, toilet paper, dog food, tampons, shoes, etc.] I truly hope the Heineken effort is different from what we've been treated to so far by other brands.

I'm sure it's one of those cases where airtime was bought based on something the web team promised. Then some snags were hit on the development side and the radio stations (Clear Channel) said "Screw you. Contract's signed. We've already scheduled the spots!" (And they chuckled under their breath, saying, "It's Heineken, They can afford it.") So the AE was all, "C'mon, Web Team. You're totally screwing me here!" And the Web Team was like, "Dude, it's not our fault! The servers in White Plans were supposed to propagate the domain nationally by 7AM Tuesday. That's what they promised! I'll show you the email!" And there were late nights of scrambling and iPhones were buzzing as they tried to finish in time for the spots to air. But the spots aired before the site was ready and someone's passing the buck right now and someone else is eating crap. Hopefully it all gets worked out soon. I'd like the chance to see what this new Heineken religion is all about.

Maybe it's just the interactive agency not communicating effectively with the traditional agency.

Or maybe it's simply a case of my local Clear Channel station playing a spot before it was supposed to be played.

Whatever, I'd be interested to hear from Brian Citron if he finds this. When is the new site coming, Brian? What's the plan? How can I help?

(And I'm available to help with your marketing efforts in exchange for massive shipments of beer. I will also require a walk-in cooler installed in my garage.)

Let's Just Get an Employee to Voice The Spot

I like to listen to the radio in the car. Almost any kind of radio. I even get a kick out of stupid radio that completely messes with my senses, like Sean Hannity, because it's good to know how people who think they are deep thinkers really think. I suppose I could better use my commuting time learning a foreign language on CD, but then I'd be that guy you see in your rearview mirror talking to himself as I repeated after the instructor, "¿Cuántas cervezas antes de usted consiguen desnudas?" (Go ahead, take that phrase to your favorite translation site.)

I have done voiceovers and I have directed voiceovers, and I think I know good talent when I hear it. I've been wrong before. I once convinced a TV studio director to read for a spot because she had a very smooth and attractive voice. In front of the mic with a script, she froze up and sounded like a 3rd grader just learning to read big books without pictures.

So recently I was listening to a local show that makes me laugh some mornings and a spot came on voiced by a guy with the coolest Southern accent. It wasn't Redneck Southern, but had that Virginia/Carolina refinement to it, where the word "dollar" becomes dolluh and "help" is a charming "hep." The voice belonged to this man, Ashton Ritchie. He wasn't the best voiceover talent, in fact his voice was a little high-pitched and he sounded slightly nervous, but there was an honesty in his voice that made me believe in the product he was selling, Scotts Bonus S Weed and Feed for Southern Lawns. Ritchie is apparently an employee of The Scotts Company in Ohio and understands the deep mysteries of suburban lawn care.

I know many urbanites who scoff at lawns, but houses often come with yards that require attention. Being a homeowner with a yard that tends to try to die every year, I bought a bag of the stuff based on Ritchie's seemingly honest endorsement. It was some ridiculous kind of expensive, so I took care to apply it to my front lawn in exactly the manner indicated on the bag.

The man wasn't lying. Shit works. Crazy works. My lawn looks like it responded to a spam email for Lawn Enhancement. It is strong, firm and long-lasting. All the ladies in the town are impressed by it's length, girth and stamina. My lawn is no longer embarrassed by its small size. It is now powerful and able to please through the night. My lawn has confidence.

Mowing season has started down here and the front lawn is on grass steroids. Thanks, Mr. Southern Gentleman Lawn Care Dude, but now I'm afraid to apply Scotts to the backyard.

Embrace the Suck

Bad writing + bad voiceover = bad commercial.

Thanks to a local radio guy who forwarded me the MP3, I can now share with you the pain I endure as I hear this spot about four times a day. I'm a sadist that way, I know. But you'll love it. Trust me.

See if what I told you last week about this horrendous commercial isn't true. Listen as Michelle and Zack discuss their horrible financial situations and how Patriot Financial was able to help them with a mortgage.



Can't you tell that Michelle and Zack are almost sure to default on their new loans?

Echoes With the Sounds of Salesmen

The Award for Worst Radio Ad Campaign for the Summer of 2007 goes to Patriot Financial, a mortgage broker. Patriot "was formed in October 2001, shortly after the tragic events of 9/11. The spirit of America's patriotism was the inspiration and motivation for our company and our corporate name." Wow. I'm sold on them now. That's some serious integrity there. These three goateed gentlemen are Zach, Jason and Clinton, and they comprise the Executive Staff of Patriot Financial.

The spots in question utilize the fake conversation format, where two office mates are talking and one of them wants to "pick the brain" of the other about his recent refinance. He glowingly describes his great fortune in finding Patriot. His female coworker wonders if he has a phone number for Patriot. Why of course he does, and he even remembers it. She repeats it to him as a question. He confirms her question by repeating the number again. Then, a horrendous jingle comes on in which the phone number is repeated in song, with what sounds like a child's off-key xylophone accompanying the singers.

If you live in a state where Patriot is doing business, I'm sure you share my pain. I have no doubt they are doing this for a reason, and they can likely cite stats that show people came to them via their radio ads. That's wonderful. But it was hatred for radio like this that made me pursue a career in production and commercial writing. If anyone knows where I can find these ads online, I'd love to share them with readers of this blog, just so you can cringe in horror with me. I'm a sadist that way, I guess.

Celebrity Voice Impersonated

One of the groups most known for having zero creativity in their ads are car dealers. And if they are doing something "creative," it's generally highly embarrassing and carries a Cringe Factor of 12*.

On a break for some provisions of the lunch variety, I heard a radio spot for a local Dodge dealer. It had to have been a :60, or it was the longest thirty seconds of my life. During this ad, various jokes were attempted using voice over "talent" who impersonated George Bush, Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Eddie Murphy. Way to keep it current, local yokels. If you have to go that route, at least do someone timeless like Christopher Walken. If there was a "deal" in that ad, I never heard it for all the idiocy of the execution.

It doesn't matter what medium, car dealers scrape the barrel for loud colors, ugly fonts and bad ideas. Since they're getting co-op dollars from the manufacturers, maybe the manufacturers can start helping them. Yeah, the rolling stock B-roll you supply your dealerships is pretty, with the leaves kicking up after the fast passing car races by, but when the dealers throw on cheesy spokeshacks (and...WALK as you talk - EXCELLENT!) carrying placards with phone numbers, you've just lowered the bar once again.

If you've got to go supercheese, take a lesson from the master, Cal Worthington.

*Cringometer readings may vary. Consult owner's manual for your particular model.