Because Chistmas Is Only More Than A Month Away

Punching around on the "seek" feature on my drive in, I heard Christmas music on the radio. In mid-November. It seems an already horrible Orlando radio station* has made itself even worse this week by being the first to adopt the "All Shitty Christmas Music—All The Fucking Time" format. If I were an advertiser on this station, I'd be plenty pissed. How can this possibly be listened to, except maybe in retail environments? And even there the employees and shoppers must be going, "shut UP!"

* They ditched an alt-rock format this year for Oldies/Classic Hits.

Call Now. Operators are Standing By

Hey, radio copywriters, unless your 800 number is REALLY easy to remember, like 1-800-800-8000, then I don't want to hear it. And I really don't want to hear it three times in a row by some idiot announcer. I'm not writing it down. EVER. Not in the car (which is the only place I listen to the radio), nor even in my tool-shed when I'm an old man and I have a pencil or pen handy as I put the finishing touches on my invention that remotely tortures stupid radio copywriters, leaving no evidence that I was the one who did it. No one remembers your number. If your client is insisting that the phone number be included in the ad, tell them they are stupid and they need to find another writer.

Get a website. And get a URL that is easy to remember, And don't tell me "www" when you mention your URL. Idiots.

And why do all the stupid websites use a customer service stock photo of the beautiful operator who doesn't exist in any call center anywhere in the world?

Embrace the Suck

Bad writing + bad voiceover = bad commercial.

Thanks to a local radio guy who forwarded me the MP3, I can now share with you the pain I endure as I hear this spot about four times a day. I'm a sadist that way, I know. But you'll love it. Trust me.

See if what I told you last week about this horrendous commercial isn't true. Listen as Michelle and Zack discuss their horrible financial situations and how Patriot Financial was able to help them with a mortgage.



Can't you tell that Michelle and Zack are almost sure to default on their new loans?

Echoes With the Sounds of Salesmen

The Award for Worst Radio Ad Campaign for the Summer of 2007 goes to Patriot Financial, a mortgage broker. Patriot "was formed in October 2001, shortly after the tragic events of 9/11. The spirit of America's patriotism was the inspiration and motivation for our company and our corporate name." Wow. I'm sold on them now. That's some serious integrity there. These three goateed gentlemen are Zach, Jason and Clinton, and they comprise the Executive Staff of Patriot Financial.

The spots in question utilize the fake conversation format, where two office mates are talking and one of them wants to "pick the brain" of the other about his recent refinance. He glowingly describes his great fortune in finding Patriot. His female coworker wonders if he has a phone number for Patriot. Why of course he does, and he even remembers it. She repeats it to him as a question. He confirms her question by repeating the number again. Then, a horrendous jingle comes on in which the phone number is repeated in song, with what sounds like a child's off-key xylophone accompanying the singers.

If you live in a state where Patriot is doing business, I'm sure you share my pain. I have no doubt they are doing this for a reason, and they can likely cite stats that show people came to them via their radio ads. That's wonderful. But it was hatred for radio like this that made me pursue a career in production and commercial writing. If anyone knows where I can find these ads online, I'd love to share them with readers of this blog, just so you can cringe in horror with me. I'm a sadist that way, I guess.