Be The Biggest Dork in Town

With TV Hat.

Your Claims of "Viral" Are Falling on Deaf Eyes

I won't even give this video the benefit of an embedded view because the execution behind the attempt is so transparent. Not that the idea is so awful. Guy finds image of Burger King on his Big Mac bun. Cute.

It is introduced to me in an email that has all the markings of blog spam: "Hey, longtime fan of your blog and thought you might be interested in this. I keep seeing this video in a bunch of places and wondered what you thought. Funny stuff."

Whether or not BK is ultimately behind this doesn't even bother me. I doubt they are and this is probably someone's attempt to get some viral cred that they can put on their reel as they knock on doors to try to find a job.  "We did this hilarious thing for BK that just blew up on YouTube!"

This one, like most of them, has the forced acting by amatuers who happened to have their cameras out as they were eating lunch at McDonald's. It is uploaded by a guy who, SURPRISE, has only ever uploaded one video - and it's this one. If my YouTube user name is jakeskatesf, I will likely have at least a few vids of myself skating, or doing bong hits, or hanging out at the beach, especially if I'm the kind of guy whose camera is so a part of me that I have it out while at lunch with my friends. And the people who think Jake's video is awesome, their profiles have ZERO uploads. These are what's known in the business as "fake plants pretending to like your faked stupid video." One of them comments on Jake's video that "Damn dude! This BK thing is blowin' up!" Uh, not really.

Good viral happens, it isn't seeded or trying to be "authentic." You can't PR your way to success through fake email accounts with "check this funny thing out I found" messages. And what really ticks most of us off are the lengths you will go to to make it seem as though you are just some Joe or Jake who made a video, creating fake profiles and seeding comments. At least have another couple videos on your channel to hide the fact that you created the channel for the sole purpose of promoting your little stunt that you hope gets noticed by CP+B.

Or just be honest and put it on your real channel with the explanation, "I need a job and so I did this thing to get noticed by someone." That would be far more digestible than what you're up to now.

GM, Goodby Pulling Stupid Stunt

In today's New York Times, an internal Chevrolet memo is reported on, and I'm calling "Bullshit." According to two idiots in GM's upper management,

"We’d ask that whether you’re talking to a dealer, reviewing dealer advertising or speaking with friends and family, that you communicate our brand as Chevrolet moving forward."

They also say,

"When you look at the most recognized brands throughout the world, such as Coke or Apple for instance, one of the things they all focus on is the consistency of their branding. Why is this consistency so important? The more consistent a brand becomes, the more prominent and recognizable it is with the consumer. This is a big opportunity for us moving forward."

As if Coke isn't also called Coca-Cola. And yes, they said, "Moving forward" twice. The article then quotes one Klaus-Peter Martin, a GM spokesman, who confirmed the memo, saying, "We’re going to use Chevrolet instead of Chevy going forward in our communications." Martin said the move is linked to Chevy's switch to new agency Goodby, Silverstein & Partners.

Going forward. Moving forward. Branding. Consistency in branding. Bullshit. As if Chevy isn't just as well known a name (if not more so) as Chevrolet. If this is Goodby's doing, I'm disappointed. An agency known for good work shouldn't pull stupid stunts like this. This has the stench of set-up. I suspect a turnaround in a few months. A calculated and transparent "change of heart" where the big wigs at Chevy will announce something to the effect of,

"The American people have spoken. They love the nickname "Chevy." We miscalculated in our efforts to be consistent in our branding. We can no more change America's mind about America's favorite car than we could ask them not to salute the flag, eat apple pie and play baseball. Going forward, you can call Chevrolet "Chevy" all you want, and you can keep calling it America's favorite car."

If I'm wrong and this isn't just a stupid stunt, then it's just plain stupid. A brand should be lucky to have an affectionate nickname. McDonald's embraces "Mickey D's" and up until now, Chevrolet has always embraced "Chevy."

And not surprisingly, a few pages after the article is a full-page ad from Chevy announcing that its Equinox model has won some award from Consumer's Digest. And where do they tell us we can go to learn more? Chevy.com.

(Go on. Click it. I worked hard mutilating this old Chevy ad)

Yes, You Got My Attention. Freak.

I'm seeing this guy way too much in the sidebars of major sites. And he scares me. Are those his lower teeth? Did he have nostril enlarging surgery? Are those safety goggles? I trust he's CG and not a real person.

I'm not clicking on this shit, no matter what you're selling.

عيد ميلاد سعيد من المملكة العربية السعودية

Having failed tragically in my endeavor to make a killing creating Thanksgiving cards for the Russian immigrant market, I'm turning my attention to customized Saudi Christmas cards, where I understand many fortunes have been realized by go-getter entrepreneurs such as myself. We shall see. My first commission comes from a man who must keep his identity anonymous, since celebrating Christmas in Saudi Arabia is against the law.

ص. ضخم, كبير, هام, حبلي

The title reads, "Merry Christmas from Saudi Arabia." The fine print at bottom translates roughly: "My wives could not pose with me, as you would've lusted for them and then I'd have to kill them."

Volkswagen Continues Dumb Name Tradition

Here's Volkswagen's entry into the truck market. They're calling it "Amarok," an Inuit name for "wolf."

"This name fits the characteristics of our pickup perfectly, which will set new standards in its class," says Stephan Schaller, CEO of Volkswagen Commercial Vehicles.

Sure, Stephan, you walking book of clichés. What else could you have said?

When you've already gone down the road of stupid names, (EOS, Golf, Jetta, Passat, Phaeton, Touareg, Routan) I guess you just have to keep going. Much better, I think, to go the "series" route, like BMW. But you pay extra for that.

Submitted for Banning - With Footnotes

These things:
While we're at it, let's get rid of silhouettes of your child/teenager's sport, with their name (invariably "Ashleigh" or "Hunter") underneath.¹ Also, (respectfully) might we consider getting rid of tributes to Dale Earnhardt on the back of your car/truck/SUV?²

I predict that in the future, people will simply have their twitter handle on the back of their car, so you can message them while driving down the highway: "@jetpacks: saw you getting pulled over this morning on I4 by cop on motorcycle.³ Too bad you're not a chick and couldn't cry your way out of ticket⁴. Haha!"

1. Attention American Parents with Sports-Playing Kids: It's the family car, not a shrine to your overindulged child.

2. Attention Dale Earnhardt Fans: He's dead. I'm sorry. What is your point?

3. Attention Motorcycle Cop on I4 This Morning: Thanks for the ticket. I will definitely heed your advice and start driving 55.

4. Attention Angry Feminists: Please keep in mind that most women have at least one story of getting out of a ticket, whereas few men do.

No. Just...No.

Find a Real One on eBay for Less

"Some things just get cooler with age," reads the website. "They develop an unmistakable mojo over time that makes them look cooler and feel even more comfortable than when they were new," they go on to philosophize.

This is forgivable when it happens with jeans. Nothing screams "brand new pants" like some 501s that have never seen a washing machine. But I can't forgive this in a line of new guitars. From Fender no less.

These are not "road worn" instruments. They are new and designed to look road worn. Or as Fender puts it, they have "a killer aged design aesthetic." Smells like bullshit. But surely there is a market for these. No self-respecting wannabe rocker worth his rocks in rock would be caught rockin' a non-rock axe, right? A rocker's gotta look like a rocker, and when it comes to rockin', Fender knows how to make you look your rockin' best. Just ask Springsteen, toting around that stage prop he calls a guitar.

So now, young poseurs, you can look the part right down to your brand new "distressed" guitar from Fender. Make sure you aren't wearing brand new jeans.

Here's the Joe Strummer model.

So wrong.

Much Abuzz About Nothing

Coffee must feel really cheated right now. It was once the only (legal) thing we ingested to give us a little kick start. Now we have energy drinks, energy shots, energy pills and thanks to a really dumb idea over at Nestlé, we also have Butterfinger Buzz, "with as much caffeine as the leading energy drink."
Here's Butterfinger's stupid microsite promoting the product, with a bunch of idiots getting their heads shaved (or "buzzed!" - get it?) so they can paint the Butterfinger Buzz logo on their skulls. Are you a fan of Butterfinger Buzz on Facebook yet? Will you attend the Butterfinger Buzz Event in NYC this Thursday and get your head shaved? And be sure to follow Butterfinger Buzz on Twitter!!!

And don't forget the Butterfinger Comedy Network, a place for doomed comedians to hone their skills at this dying performing art.

April 1^st of last year saw the fake relaunch of Butterfinger as just "The Finger." Ha-ha! April Fool's! We're so funny.

A candy bar loaded with caffeine. F-ing genius! "Screw you, coffee! I can get the same feeling from this candy bar that also has 460 calories!"

All of this effort is being put forth for a product that is "limited - while supplies last." A gimmick for the sake of being gimmicky. Buzz. Get people talking. Get them to shave their heads and sport your logo.

You are trying way too hard, Nestlé. It's a candy bar, not a lifestyle.

Because Chistmas Is Only More Than A Month Away

Punching around on the "seek" feature on my drive in, I heard Christmas music on the radio. In mid-November. It seems an already horrible Orlando radio station* has made itself even worse this week by being the first to adopt the "All Shitty Christmas Music—All The Fucking Time" format. If I were an advertiser on this station, I'd be plenty pissed. How can this possibly be listened to, except maybe in retail environments? And even there the employees and shoppers must be going, "shut UP!"

* They ditched an alt-rock format this year for Oldies/Classic Hits.