Submitted for Banning - With Footnotes

These things:
While we're at it, let's get rid of silhouettes of your child/teenager's sport, with their name (invariably "Ashleigh" or "Hunter") underneath.¹ Also, (respectfully) might we consider getting rid of tributes to Dale Earnhardt on the back of your car/truck/SUV?²

I predict that in the future, people will simply have their twitter handle on the back of their car, so you can message them while driving down the highway: "@jetpacks: saw you getting pulled over this morning on I4 by cop on motorcycle.³ Too bad you're not a chick and couldn't cry your way out of ticket⁴. Haha!"

1. Attention American Parents with Sports-Playing Kids: It's the family car, not a shrine to your overindulged child.

2. Attention Dale Earnhardt Fans: He's dead. I'm sorry. What is your point?

3. Attention Motorcycle Cop on I4 This Morning: Thanks for the ticket. I will definitely heed your advice and start driving 55.

4. Attention Angry Feminists: Please keep in mind that most women have at least one story of getting out of a ticket, whereas few men do.

Nothing Says "Taste" Like Dead Guy Chocolate

We're all familiar with creepy Orville Redenbacher being resurrected to shill again for his popcorn, and Kurt Cobain selling Doc Martens from heaven. Here's another cheap stoop at a dead legend on the part of Hershey's.


Saw this item in the checkout lane tonight at the grocery store and had to snap it up, seeing as it is a "collector edition" chocolate bar. (DOH! I cheapened my investment by opening the package. Crap! Guess I'd better go buy another and keep it in the freezer so I can sell it on eBay in 19 years, when it'll be worth $1.45.)

Look at that classy embossed chocolate likeness of Dale Earnhardt, NASCAR legend. That is freakin' awesome. I'll bet he tastes so good. This is only the second in the series of three collector's chocolate bars from Hershey's. Keeping my eyes open for numbers one and three.

Previously in shameless dead marketing

Previously in NASCAR