Bridging the NASCAR Gap

While the Republicans hash out who they want as their nominee for the Senate race in Florida (Charlie "I Swear I'm Heterosexual" Crist, or Marco "I'm the Cuban Reagan" Rubio) one hopeful Democrat challenger is a South Florida Congressman named Kendrick Meek, and Kendrick's team has a brilliant idea. They're going to bring a little color to NASCAR. Meek is sponsoring a car in the Daytona Nationwide Series Race and wants you to join him and his family on Pit Road.

Why do I like this? Let's be honest, NASCAR has avoided blacks forever, and I'd bet for the most part blacks have avoided NASCAR. It's a redneck sport, truthfully. (Oh, come on. You know it is, even if it has been reaching out to include bikers and football fans, or the younger, full-sleeve tattoo set. Do a Google image search for NASCAR fans and let me know what page you get to when you finally find a black person who isn't the President.)

Meek's district includes Miami's Little Haiti neighborhood. It will be fun to watch him mingle with the crowd, many of whom will be overheard murmuring, "He's very articulate."

Support Your Local [Fill in the Blank]

Florida has a total of 111 specialty license plates. You pay extra for them, but any of them beat the stupid standard plate, which prominently features the most retarded URL in all of state government, "MYFLORIDA.COM". As I've ranted before, anytime you have "MY" in front of your URL, it tells the world you were late to the game and failed to get a better URL.

The state just released its list of best selling license plates, and coming in first once again is the University of Florida plate, pictured here.

Not a fan? Not to worry, there are plenty more. You can save the whales, the manatees, the sea turtles, the panthers, the Everglades, the dolphins. You can support the Buccaneers, the Magic, the Heat, the Jaguars, the Rays and the Dolphins. You can be a friend of the police, the firefighters, the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. Here are a few of my favorites.

"Trees are cool."
What-fucking-ever.

NASCAR! Can I say it again? NASCAR!

"Imagine"— A tribute to John Lennon.
Sniff-sniff.
SHUT UP!

"Kids Deserve Justice"

Hey, kids. Quit swinging on the scales! You mock justice with your game!
You deserve to be spanked.

Have a look at the rest. Insane variety. Something for everyone.

Oh, I almost forgot. Go Gators!

How Disney Spins a Miscalculation

The Masters of Illusion. The Cult of The Mouse. The Price-Gouging Bringer of All Manner of Eurotrash To My Town.

I can go on forever with derogatory terms for the company that built Orlando, but they know what they're doing at all times. When everyone else is reporting dismal quarterly earnings, Disney's earnings go up 22%.

Disneyworld's Pleasure Island, a collection of themed clubs and hangouts that draw not just tourists, but many locals, will soon see the shuttering of six of those clubs. Company officials acknowledge that customers want "more broad-based dining and retail options." Broad-based? Is that code for, "Not enough blacks were frequenting the BET Soundstage Club," one of the clubs on the doomed list? Maybe it's copy like this, from the Pleasure Island website, that failed to connect with BET fans:

BET Soundstage™ Club – Bust a move on over to this two-story soundstage environment and groove on down to the dance floor where the DJ spins phat tunes from the latest hip-hop to old-school R&B favorites.

Bust a move? Groove on down? Phat? Yeah, best to shut that club fast. Surprised they didn't say "Slap my hand, black soul man!"

Also doomed: 8 Trax, a club that sounds like a nightmare if you believe the web copy:

8 Trax – Boogie oogie oogie to this '70s and '80s club for all your retro dancing favorites. If you love to get down to the Bee Gees, Donna Summer and the Village People, make tracks over to 8 Trax!

And what will Disney do with the closed clubs? In typical Disney-speak, which is akin to political-speak, they will only say that they have "A Bold New Vision."

Translation: More Harley-Davidson and NASCAR-themed stuff.

Nothing Says "Taste" Like Dead Guy Chocolate

We're all familiar with creepy Orville Redenbacher being resurrected to shill again for his popcorn, and Kurt Cobain selling Doc Martens from heaven. Here's another cheap stoop at a dead legend on the part of Hershey's.


Saw this item in the checkout lane tonight at the grocery store and had to snap it up, seeing as it is a "collector edition" chocolate bar. (DOH! I cheapened my investment by opening the package. Crap! Guess I'd better go buy another and keep it in the freezer so I can sell it on eBay in 19 years, when it'll be worth $1.45.)

Look at that classy embossed chocolate likeness of Dale Earnhardt, NASCAR legend. That is freakin' awesome. I'll bet he tastes so good. This is only the second in the series of three collector's chocolate bars from Hershey's. Keeping my eyes open for numbers one and three.

Previously in shameless dead marketing

Previously in NASCAR

Welcome Race Fans

I have to go to Jacksonville this weekend. Have to. Can’t not go. This weekend also happens to be Daytona 500 weekend. The 50th anniversary of the Daytona 500 weekend. “The most anticipated event in race history,” according to the website.

Which means I will be sitting in traffic with a bunch of NASCAR fans, both ways, driving through Daytona this Saturday afternoon and again on Sunday morning.

NASCAR fans have a reputation for being…how shall I put this politely…less than cultured. I don’t think that stereotype is exactly accurate, but it persists. They’re considered Bubbas. Beer-swilling, beer-bellied, truck-driving, Marlboro-puffing, Confederate flag-waving, Skynyrd-listening, Jack Daniels-shooting, Bush-voting, mullet-sporting, Skoal-dipping, gun-toting, Wrangler-wearing, Wal-Mart-shopping, inbred, redneck, rocks-for-brains sumsabitches all living on dirt roads in broke-ass, single-wide mobile-homes. One of their four basic food groups is Deep Fried, which they eat when they aren’t having sex with their sisters and lynching people.

Though I’ve never seen a race, I’m sure you can find a fair share of those types in a NASCAR crowd. But I know there are other people attending. And so do the sponsors. Have a look at this roster of companies sponsoring the cars of NASCAR. Apparently, there’s some money in that big audience. And that is a list of primary sponsors, which doesn't include the dozens of smaller sponsor decals every car displays, nor does it include the sponsors running commercials during the broadcasts.

I've been trying to understand the appeal of NASCAR for a while. But really, it’s actually pretty easy to get caught up in any kind of race. Whether it’s a marathon on city streets, a bicycle race through the French countryside, skiers on a mountainside, a horserace in Kentucky or even a down-to-the-wire political battle, racing - in all its forms - includes strategy, skill, drama and a bit of luck. There are heroes, villains, unexpected turns-of-events and of course, speed. Then there’s the byproduct of all those ingredients, adrenaline. I’m almost sure that if you took a couple of the most city-dwelling, theatre-visiting, martini-sipping, toy-dog-owning, massage-getting, loft-renting, art-gallery patronizing, NPR-giving, aroma-therapy-sniffing, Hillary-loving, Starbucks-drinking, tree-hugging, nose-in-the-air, fashion-conscious, intellectual urbanites and made them sit down at the Daytona 500, they’d end up having a good time. It would be the noise, the extremely high speeds and the tightly packed cars jostling for position that enthralled them. If that didn’t interest them, the people-watching opportunities would.

I was channel-surfing the other day and stopped on something I never watch - motocross racing. I didn’t know any of the riders, but I found myself mesmerized, eventually hoping one particular rider would win. He rode in second place for the longest time, trying to get around the leader who was playing a skillful defense, cutting off any chance at passing. The second-place guy finally made his move in the last lap. I was like, “Cool! My guy won!” Then I said to myself, “You just watched a motocross race on TV and you were into it. Dude, you should be embarrassed.”

So until I actually attend a NASCAR event, I’m going to stop stereotyping these people. I can imagine the scene, with me walking in all smug and above this stupid redneck sport, looking for people who will prove me right; that this is just a collection of idiots watching cars go really fast around an oval track for a drunken afternoon.

I take my seat. The noise is deafening and it’s only the pace lap. There’s a smell of oil, grease and gas mixed with something deep-fried and maybe a hint of beer. It’s not a bad smell. The pace car leaves the track and the green flag is waved. The gunning engines of 60 high-performance cars combined with the spontaneous roar of 168,000 NASCAR fanatics instantly washes away my skepticism. I’ve just become a race fan. Don’t know what car I want to cheer for, but that one with the giant Tide logo on the hood looks cool.

Man, I hope we get to see some gnarly crashes today.

Previously in NASCAR

In Praise of Little Debbie

She doesn't get out much. Not a lot of TV spots for the Snack Girl out there, though I did find this one that ties Little Debbie to NASCAR. (The actor studied at the Crispin Glover School just prior to the shoot.) Who knew Little Debbie was into NASCAR?



The reason I like Little Debbie is that she hasn't changed. You'll never see her breakdancing in the streets like the Cheetos Cheetah, or trying to rap, skateboard, surf or any of the other stunts Ronald McDonald pulls off in an advertising year. I even saw Cap'n Crunch with a guitar once. Blasphemy.

Little Debbie just sits there and smiles, virtually unchanged since 1960. OK, once in while she has a smoke. But only when she's drinking.

Republic of White Trashistan

We're supposed to be in Jacksonville tomorrow night for a big overnight fiesta, and it finally dawned on us that we have to drive through Daytona Beach twice on the weekend of the Daytona 500. You haven't lived until you're sitting in traffic with 100,000 NASCAR fans.

We're not NASCAR people, but we should've been able to pick up the clues. The airwaves are packed with radio and TV spots for the race. Meaning: it's two days before the race (the radio ads call it "the greatest race of all time" or "the Great American Race" or something like that) and they're STILL trying to move tickets. This can't be good for America.

I'm sure it's a party. I'm sure it's probably great fun. I'm sure you can hear Molly Hatchet and Lynyrd Skynyrd and Keith Urban at the pre-race tailgating festivities. But it looks like our country's love affair with this sport is running out of gas. With Nextel as the main sponsor, (the Redneck walkie-talkie) they sealed up the mullet demographic pretty tight. Then they brought in Aerosmith to revive "Back in the Saddle" as a new theme song, which probably panders to the same demo. While I've never been to a race, I can bet that a fun and challenging game to play at any NASCAR event would be "Find the Black People." NASCAR needs a broader base.

NASCAR needs to reach out to the Kentucky Derby set, the Wimbledon set, not to mention minorities, tree-huggers, emo kids and soccer hooligans. There aren't enough Nextel users to fill those stands, and if this is the Great American Race, then NASCAR is in trouble.

Previously from the Prime Minister of Mulletavia

NASCAR Set To Rock

We live about an hour away from Daytona, but we know when to stay the hell away from that town. If it isn't Bike Week or Biketoberfest, it's some NASCAR race - and the (God love 'em) shirtless, shoeless, toothless masses from across America's NASCAR Belt make the city impossible to drive through and the beaches a teeming throng of lobster-red touri. (Please don't comment on that obviously exaggerated oversimplification of the NASCAR set. I am fully aware that many "normal" people enjoy racing sports.) NASCAR brings in the big bucks, no question, and the fans are beyond die-hard.

According to Steven Tyler's blog, (yes - everyone's favorite Mary Tyler Moore lookalike) Aerosmith's "Back in the Saddle" has been selected as NASCAR's theme song for the 2007 season. Tyler says he spent two hours with a partner rewriting the lyrics to fit the race theme before recording the song during a shoot at a Vegas concert. (Sample lyrics: "I'm ridin'... I'm ridin' in a fast car....I'm drivin'!...I'm drivin' in my NASCAR!!" ...Genius, Steven.)

This marks a departure for NASCAR, who've spent most of their marketing dollars trying to appeal to their country, Red State base. Aerosmith's appeal has always crossed boundaries, and they've been known to shill for the Gap, Dodge, Sony, the NFL and Disney, among others. Will the geriatric bad boys be able to bring a broader audience to ESPN to watch cars go real fast around a track?

Hmmmm....I dunno....Did Zeppelin sell any Cadillacs?