Dance With The One That Brung You

It's all over the news today; all the world all freaked out that Taco Bell's meat doesn't really qualify as meat, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

This is not news. Nobody eats at Taco Bell imagining that the food is good for them. It's late night stoner food. It's fill-up-for-cheap-damn-the-intestinal-consequences food.

Hopefully, there won't be some stupid circling of the wagons at Taco Bell wherein some stupid flack comes out and issues a stupid, formal response to the stupid lawsuit brought by the stupid Alabama stupid law firm. And hopefully, they won't start a Twitter or Facebook "Brand Reputation Management" counter-assault. So far, they're doing exactly what they should be doing: ignoring it. It's business as usual on the Taco Bell Twitter feed, including retweeting @ShutTheFxckUpHo 's tweet, "I love Taco Bell with all my heart!"

Now if the shit-meat really starts to hit the fan and Taco Bell starts noticing people avoiding their stores, I urge them now to avoid the PR pimps and whores who will come running to offer their services. I urge them to resist the urge to apologize and to avoid the promises to make things better, "going forward."

Embrace who you are. Celebrate it. Flaunt it. Fuck 'em all. You're Taco Bell, damnit. You've got nothing to apologize for.

UPDATE: Too bad, Taco Bell looks like it's going the legal route. Spineless.

At the Intersection of Entertainment and Politics

Or: "Damn! This is a Tough Job Market."

Walt Disney World just hired a new Senior Vice President of Public Affairs and Worldwide Government and Industry Relations.

That's quite a title. In practice, the function of the position will be to issue statements on behalf of the corporation that the person who claimed to have been molested by an employee dressed as Goofy has since changed his/her tune. Or to coordinate with local law enforcement and prosecutors to quickly sweep under the rug any other nastiness that might give our Mighty Mouse a bad image. Or to secure a renewal of Disney's "no-fly zone" policy long ago granted by the FAA. Disney owns this town, and any potential dirt the press can dig up is always very quickly silenced by the efficient workings of Disney's highly-connected machine. Disney is the mafia and everyone knows it. They have the money, they make the jobs, they buy the influence.

In my crazy day-to-day applications to all positions that I think I might even be remotely qualified to perform, I may have submitted a resume to Disney for this job. In hindsight that was silly, but as they say, "you never know." Well, I lost out to Brian Besanceney. Brian has a resume that trumps the hell out of mine and all others.

From the press release issued by Disney:

"Besanceney has been with The Walt Disney Co. since February 2009 as vice president of public affairs for business development, and will retain those duties. Prior to joining Disney, he served as deputy chief of staff to former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and assistant secretary of public affairs for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security and deputy communications director at the White House."

That makes total sense, since Disney is the de facto fourth branch of power in this country.

Guinness Denounced the Ad, Embraces the Notoriety

I saw a Guinness ad during a football game and went looking for it on YouTube and on the Guinness site. Couldn't find it. Nicely shot close-up from an in-the-glass perspective of beer being poured, but with a lame and taunting tagline that said something to the effect of "Maybe it's not for you." You're right, Guinness. It's not for me. And your attempt to make me feel like I'm not worthy of your beer didn't work. You're not the Marines. You're a thick beer. If I want to feel as though I've ingested a loaf of dark bread I'll just toss some pumpernickel in a blender with a couple shots of whiskey and get the same effect. But in my searching for this ad I think I may have uncovered a little bit of "wink-wink, we're so naughty" on the part of Guinness.

You may remember a couple years ago when some director released what he called a "banned Guinness ad." It was a spec piece, hoping to catch the attention of the Irish brew maker. It was during those naïve days of the late summer of '08, when the words "banned commercial" on your upload were a sure ticket to viral success, back before people realized there was no such thing as a banned commercial. It caught plenty of attention, but mostly from angry people who objected to the objectification of women. In the ad, a woman is used as a human coaster, her body gently rocking back and forth. We see only her mid-section while three separate hands reach for the bottle, presumably take a swig, then return it to her undulating form, the bottle staying balanced in the small of her back. Clearly she's supposed to be in the throes of a four-way, though she appears lifeless and limp.* Guinness and its agency were very quick to denounce the ad, saying,

Guinness is in no way associated with this video, and approached YouTube to have it removed. We are proud of our brands, and our commitment to responsible marketing, and this is not how we want our brand portrayed.

Fine. Nice job. Appropriate PR move. Nevermind that the ad is back on YouTube, with 1.5 million views this time around.

Also, nevermind that for sale at the Guinness store for $25 is the CD, "Music From the TV Ads." The cover art, with its pronounced line of beauty S-shape, bears a striking resemblance to the shape prominently featured in the "banned" spot.

I'm sure Guinness will claim this is merely the top of the harp that serves as their logo.

* Which reminds me of a joke. Use your mouse to highlight the invisible text below.

What's the difference between spaghetti and a sorority girl?

Spaghetti moves when you eat it. 

Ass Kicker in Chief

Doctors Mystified By Bandana Fused to Man's Head

Never gave a crap about the band Poison, but I had to snap this while in the checkout line at the store. So even though he's unconscious in the hospital, Mr. Micheals' publicist saw to it that all photos of him would be sure to include his trademark headband.

"Exclusive Photos" People Magazine? Maybe because everyone else who looked at them said "Staged!" Ah, well, credit the man's money-making skills. To be thinking of selling photos and an interview to a magazine while in the middle of a life-threatening health crisis is pretty savvy.

Social Media Mission Control

Sold on the idea that they absolutely just have to be involved in Twitter, Facebook and probably Foursquare at this point, businesses still fail miserably when it comes to social media. It's not really their fault. I blame the clowns at the agencies who made them believe how important it was in the first place.

I tweeted recently about my disappointment with my insurance company - by name. (Hint: You're not really in good hands with them.) Within a day and a half, which is a long-ass time in social media, I got a reply on Twitter, though I'm sure they thought they were being quite timely. It was a very bland and corporatey response, something to the effect of, "Sorry. How can we help?" But the truth is, that's all they could say. Unfortunately, there is nothing they can actually do to help and they know that. They sent an adjuster out to the house who denied my claim, so I said they sucked on Twitter. Is their Twitter Response Team going to overrule the adjuster? Of course not. They responded just for the sake of responding, to avoid looking like an uncaring corporate entity with little regard for their customers' petty complaints. They call it Brand Reputation Management, which is a nice way of saying "Spray the Dog Shit with Lysol." It will stop stinking for a little while and maybe people will walk through the room and not notice it. Eventually it will dry up and stop stinking altogether.

I'm sure there are others out there who griped about an airline and maybe got a few free miles out of the exchange, but those cases are rare. Personally, I'd rather go back to the days (two years ago) when companies just let the complaints happen, not worried what one little tweet was going to do to their brand. One little tweet won't do shit to your brand, unless it reflects a huge and catastrophic fuck-up on your company's part, like maybe you lost a child on one of your airplanes. You got sold on "Being in a Conversation" with your customers, which is utter bullshit. You may now appear to be in a conversation, but you don't give a rat's ass anymore than you ever did. There are other insurance companies, but this one gambles that I will probably not go to the trouble of switching to another just because I have to pay for my own claim now. They're probably right, but their fake caring response had nothing to do with that. They should stop worrying about it and stop pretending to care.

Don't Be Left out - Order Your Tiger Woods Apology Plate

On February 19, 2010, a long and enduring public humiliation culminated in one historic event - the apology of Tiger Woods at a press conference at Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. Introducing a defining Tiger Woods collectible that captures a landmark moment in the changing tide of the American media landscape. This Tiger Woods commemorative collector plate celebrates his contrite message of hope that his fans would "find it in your hearts to believe in me again."

Crafted in magnificent fine porcelain, this All-American limited-edition Tiger Woods collectible is available exclusively from The Jetpack Exchange. Featuring an image of his electrifying speech before a worldwide audience against a deep blue backdrop, this momentous Tiger Woods memorabilia signifies the changing power of the public apology. Own your piece of American history. Order now!

About That Tim Tebow Anti-Abortion SuperBowl Ad

 

(click)

Sanford's Options

I don't know who is managing Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford's public relations, but he's really blowing it with the wishy-washy statements. First he confesses in a weird ramble, then he confesses that his confession wasn't exactly true, now he refuses to speak to the media.

I've drafted two statements for you, Governor. Quit being a clown and choose one.

Big

Big

Please Submit a Drawing of Your Raccoon Extermination Plan

All the good female comedians leave SNL and get better gigs, as the word on the street is that Lorne Michaels is a tightwad, egomaniacal bastard. OK, not true for Cheri Oteri, Ana Gasteyer, Nora Dunn, Jan Hooks and Maya Rudolph, although Rudolph's new movie looks promising in an indie-arthouse-under-the-radar-selected-cities kind of way. I guess I'm only thinking of Tina Fey. And now Amy Poehler.

In a bit of well-done advance press for Poehler's new sitcom "Parks and Recreation," NBC has created a subtle and wry site that mimics well the small, Midwestern city government website. It's fictitious Pawnee, Indiana, complete with a fake city seal depicting dead buffalo and denuded forests courtesy of the white man. The comedy is scattered in lightly in that Onion-y way, making people like me (who used to read Mad magazine cover to cover and even in the margins for fear of missing a hidden joke) scour the whole thing for cheap chuckles. And of course you can follow the upcoming show on Twitter.

Hey, Joe

Click for the bigness

Getting Way Too Close To Our Customers' Daughters

Today's New York Times Magazine has one of those multi-page supplements that advertise a country in the Middle East. This week, it's Ajman, "Jewel of the Gulf," or "Emerald of the Sand" or some such thing, as they are all known. As usual, it's a bunch of carefully scrubbed copy showcasing the desert boom of the United Arab Emirates, with glittering glass towers and opportunity at every corner. Sultans, Princes CEOs and Sheiks tell you in boring advertorial style that this is where you need to spend your money. "It's the new land of opportunity," their eyes implore from their official portraits.
And within this huge and very expensive PR piece are many easily mocked ads, and since it's early and I can't think yet, I'll go for the cheapest, easiest one. It's for Ajman Bank, where we see a young girl being given to the banker as his new bride as a down payment on a loan.

Playing the POW Card - From the Bottom of the Deck

As the “How Many Houses Do The McCains Own” battle was heating up yesterday, McCain spokes-Doberman Brian Rogers had this to say, "The reality is they have some investment properties and stuff. It's not as if he lives in ten houses. That's just not the case," Rogers said. "The reality is they have four that actually could be considered houses they could use."

He also added: "This is a guy who lived in one house for five and a half years -- in prison," referring to the prisoner of war camp that McCain was in during the Vietnam War.

I’m pretty sick of the POW excuse that magically absolves McCain of everything. It’s one thing to be a POW, it’s quite another to remind people of it every day, in the most disconnected, disingenuous and dishonest ways. So let’s look ahead and prepare McCain’s answers for him on a host of issues.

• Milk prices are too high

“This is a guy who didn’t have the luxury of milk for five and a half years -- in prison.”

• We’re not doing enough to find alternative sources of energy

“This is a guy who lived in the dark for five and a half years -- in prison, with no light bulbs.”

• Healthcare is too expensive

“John McCain had little to no healthcare for five and a half years.”

• The inner cities are suffering

“John McCain knows a thing or two about suffering.”

• We aren’t well prepared for natural disasters

“Let me tell you a thing or two about disaster, my friends.”

• War on terror

“I’ve been in a war. I know how to win wars.”

• War on drugs

“I’ve been in a war. I know how to win wars.”

• Prisons are overcrowded

“My friends, let me give you some straight talk about prisons. I know what it is to be in prison.”

• Economy is in a recession

“If there’s one thing I learned as a prisoner of war, it’s that there is always hope. We can’t give up hope.”

Name the issue, and McCain will bring up his POW experience. I find it distasteful and unbecoming of an officer and a gentleman. My Dad served in Vietnam twice as an officer. He is also a graduate of West Point (Beat Navy!) — and he got there on his own, without help from well-connected relatives. And he doesn't talk much, if at all, about his medals, his injuries or the things he witnessed. Very few of the soldiers I've known would, unless you really press them, and even then they'll do it reluctantly. There's an unwritten code among soldiers who've seen war and death that says, "You weren't there and you can't know. To share it with you would be to invite you into my nightmares and I'm not going to do that to you." But McCain has no problem bringing it up every day. He gambles that you will see him as some sort of John Wayne/Rambo/Clint Eastwood type. Or that you will pity him his time in prison and regard him highly for his ability to endure. The sad fact is that John McCain was the favored scion of a high-ranking military family who should not have been admitted to Annapolis, much less Navy flight school. The fact that he got shot down and captured is tragic, but it in no way qualifies him for the Oval Office.

And sadly, this isn't the doing of Karl Rove or some other Republican spin-meister. McCain has been trading on this story for decades. That alone says more about the man than the story he keeps telling.

Oil, War, Taxes, Environment, Religion and Other Points of Debate

We can bark at each other until we're blue in the face, restating our rehearsed talking points with fake civility to the point that they become mere bumper stickers. Politics is now PR, and if you repeat a slogan long enough and loud enough, people start to pick it up and believe it.

You hate me and I hate you. You're a deluded fool and I'm a mindless drone. You're stupid and I'm dumb.

But I think there's one thing we can both agree on: Johnny Cash had a cool voice, even when working for American Oil (aka Amoco) now a part of BP (Formerly known as British Petroleum, now using the eco-friendly "Beyond Petroleum.")

How Disney Spins a Miscalculation

The Masters of Illusion. The Cult of The Mouse. The Price-Gouging Bringer of All Manner of Eurotrash To My Town.

I can go on forever with derogatory terms for the company that built Orlando, but they know what they're doing at all times. When everyone else is reporting dismal quarterly earnings, Disney's earnings go up 22%.

Disneyworld's Pleasure Island, a collection of themed clubs and hangouts that draw not just tourists, but many locals, will soon see the shuttering of six of those clubs. Company officials acknowledge that customers want "more broad-based dining and retail options." Broad-based? Is that code for, "Not enough blacks were frequenting the BET Soundstage Club," one of the clubs on the doomed list? Maybe it's copy like this, from the Pleasure Island website, that failed to connect with BET fans:

BET Soundstage™ Club – Bust a move on over to this two-story soundstage environment and groove on down to the dance floor where the DJ spins phat tunes from the latest hip-hop to old-school R&B favorites.

Bust a move? Groove on down? Phat? Yeah, best to shut that club fast. Surprised they didn't say "Slap my hand, black soul man!"

Also doomed: 8 Trax, a club that sounds like a nightmare if you believe the web copy:

8 Trax – Boogie oogie oogie to this '70s and '80s club for all your retro dancing favorites. If you love to get down to the Bee Gees, Donna Summer and the Village People, make tracks over to 8 Trax!

And what will Disney do with the closed clubs? In typical Disney-speak, which is akin to political-speak, they will only say that they have "A Bold New Vision."

Translation: More Harley-Davidson and NASCAR-themed stuff.

This Man Obviously Hates America

This is House Minority Leader John Boehner, (whose family is really tired of telling everyone, "It's pronounced BAY-ner!") and this is his official photograph.

I saw Representative Boehner on some Sunday news talk show this morning and I sensed something disingenuous, maybe even evil in the man. Then I realized what it was. He was not wearing an American Flag Lapel Pin. If you do a Google image search for Boehner, you'll have a hard time finding this Ohio Catholic Republican wearing an American Flag Lapel Pin. I think someone has some explaining to do.

Surely Representative Boehner understands that one's patriotism is measured by the symbolic act of wearing a cheap, Chinese-made trinket on the lapel.

Good people of the 8th congressional district of Ohio, I hope you do not re-elect this man, whose allegiances are suspect, whose loyalties lie perhaps with dangerous groups that hate America and whose own refusal to prove his love for his country make him ill-fit for public service.

Let The Spin Begin

As the Republicans begin to realize they are actually up against Barack Obama in November, and not Her Royal Highness, Queen Hillary the Annointed, they are actively emailing those who like to think Obama is a Muslim , or that he attended a Madrasa, or that his pastor hates America, or that his name is eerily similar to Osama's.

An email I received today contained this obviously Photoshopped image of Senator Obama talking on the phone. Problem is, the stupid, ignorant, inexperienced, naive and not-ready-to-be Commander in Chief Obama doesn't know how to hold a phone in a photo-op.

It doesn't take long to find the real image, as if the cartoon clock on the wall wasn't a dead giveaway that the photo was faked.

And to show you that Senator Obama not only knows how to handle a phone, but can handle two phones at once while simultaneously gesturing and winking to a photographer, here's an image from the Associated Press. That dude has some serious multitaskin' skilz.

Let the spin begin.

There's a war on, and there are some people very afraid of an Obama Presidency, so afraid that they will have you believe that the man doesn't know how to hold a phone.

I haven't placed an Obama sticker on my car. I haven't posted an Obama sign in my yard. I haven't donated to the Obama campaign. But if this keeps up, I may just have to.

A Dozen Jelly-Filled Strategies

Whenever a man has cast a longing eye on offices, a rottenness begins in his conduct. ~Thomas Jefferson

When an ad campaign is in trouble, not delivering for the client, the client is wise to accept a change in strategy. As Hillary Clinton's campaign sputters (and let's not fool ourselves, running for national office is all about PR and advertising) she changes messaging from one day to the next as her senior strategists float various themes to see what might catch on. One day in Texas she is the conciliatory, gracious lady, and in two days she is the scolding bully, calling her opponent out for a knife fight in Ohio. One day she is the chili-pepper eating lover of all things Latin with deep roots in border towns, the next she is your Midwesterner blue-collar buddy working the night shift alongside you. She's change, she's experience, she's tested. She's a mom, a sister and a tough-as-nails fighter. She's red wine and roses. She's a shirt-sleeves ditch digger. And her latest, most desperate message yet: Hope is Stupid.

But nothing is catching on, and the enormous salaries being paid to her back room spinners are finally coming into question.

Probably one of the most cold-blooded mercenaries ever to work in the game, Howard Wolfson, defends his January salary of $267,000 this way: “Fees and payments are in line with industry standards,” Mr. Wolfson said. “Spending priorities have been consistent with overall strategic goals.” I don't even know what that means, but it sure sounds like PR guy bullshit.

The supposed best minds in advertising and public relations are looking like a group of idiots right now. But in their defense, I have to wonder what would happen if Hillary were to fire her assembled dream team of experts and replace them with another. The new team might just end up in the same place - unable to deliver results.

So maybe it's not the message. Maybe it's the product. Expect to see books out in the next few months authored by those behind the scenes. They will have titles like Selling the Unsellable, Packaging a Politician, Beaten by Barack and The Microtrend We Never Saw Coming.

Speaking of products, Dunkin' Donuts is getting some free advertising with all the reports about the Clinton campaign's overspending. Not sure if that helps Dunkin' or hurts them.

UPDATE: (and perhaps worthy of it's own post) The social media watchers at Dunkin' Donuts are all over it, commenting here within 5 hours of posting. That's pretty impressive for a Sunday afternoon. Check the comments section.

My List of Talking Points is Better Than Yours

CNN will show another episode of Dancing With the Candidates tonight, where no questions will actually be answered and the regurgitation of talking points will be the norm. The judges will score the event on Best Zinger, Worst Stumble, Most Glaring Character Flaw Moment and Best Faked Sincerity.

They can both dance quite admirably. They spin, they twirl, they twist. At this point it’s pretty much down to talking points. We can recite the lines even if we've barely been paying attention. We’re all just waiting for someone to screw up in a big way and get voted off the show.

Click image to read captions, unless you have, like, really good eyes.

Get Out of My Face, McCain

I can’t visit a website, turn on the TV or listen to the radio without being slapped with another John McCain ad. (Even Australian news sites pick up that I am visiting from Florida and serve me McCain banners.) Thankfully, this will all end tomorrow as the candidates leave Florida to go blitz and blast another state with carefully selected talking points, spin and out-and-out lies.

It’s considered bad form to say anything negative about McCain, what with the whole prisoner of war history they remind us of all the time. He’s the “maverick,” the “straight talker.” If you do say anything bad about McCain, you’re required to preface it with praise and respect. “I respect John’s patriotism and his service to this country, however, I think the record will clearly show that my good friend Senator McCain is a pandering dick, a liar and a punk.”