The Evilest Click Bait Tactic

Sylvester Stallone is dead, suggest these two ads on Facebook. News to you? Of course it is. You didn't see that in your news feed anywhere. Surely someone in your Friends list would've said,  "RIP Sly," at the very least. Don't be a fool. Hover over the link. If you see a URL that looks like this

 

then you are being baited. For what? Who knows. It's a scam. Don't be scammed.

Someone actually paid for this crap ad. I don't even want to find out why. I've seen similar ads for Harrison Ford (on the heels of the latest Star Wars film) and a few other celebrities. The Internet is breaking. 

Mel Gibson for Gibson Guitars

"One Trick of a Tiny Belly" Ads, as Written By Mel Gibson

I'm about sick of these ads, almost as pervasive these days as Dancing Gay Cowboys were a few years ago.

Now that he needs work and the public can't seem to get enough of his crazy behavior, I think Mr. Gibson should take to advertising.

Doctors Mystified By Bandana Fused to Man's Head

Never gave a crap about the band Poison, but I had to snap this while in the checkout line at the store. So even though he's unconscious in the hospital, Mr. Micheals' publicist saw to it that all photos of him would be sure to include his trademark headband.

"Exclusive Photos" People Magazine? Maybe because everyone else who looked at them said "Staged!" Ah, well, credit the man's money-making skills. To be thinking of selling photos and an interview to a magazine while in the middle of a life-threatening health crisis is pretty savvy.

He Designed The Template Shatner Ran With

That of an actor mocking his own gravitas...



Met him once in San Diego. I was a room service waiter at the Hilton. He was in town to do some commercials for a Mercedes dealership. He had a giant bottle of vodka in his fridge. As I recall, it was Smirnoff.

Don't Be Left out - Order Your Tiger Woods Apology Plate

On February 19, 2010, a long and enduring public humiliation culminated in one historic event - the apology of Tiger Woods at a press conference at Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. Introducing a defining Tiger Woods collectible that captures a landmark moment in the changing tide of the American media landscape. This Tiger Woods commemorative collector plate celebrates his contrite message of hope that his fans would "find it in your hearts to believe in me again."

Crafted in magnificent fine porcelain, this All-American limited-edition Tiger Woods collectible is available exclusively from The Jetpack Exchange. Featuring an image of his electrifying speech before a worldwide audience against a deep blue backdrop, this momentous Tiger Woods memorabilia signifies the changing power of the public apology. Own your piece of American history. Order now!

His Status as Role Model is Even More Secure Now

They Always Die in Threes

No, they don't. They always die - and people start counting again after three.


The fine ghouls of Google, in association with LIFE's photo archive, have updated the Google Image search page to prompt your searches for recently deceased celebrities. They know what you like.

Ferris Bueller Takes Horse to Prom

"Oh, that's so mean!"

Yes, Yes it is.

Our Special Guacamolito Sauce

Before there was This is Why You're Fat, there was this, from SNL.



This is Why You're Fat, however, has fast become a parody of itself, much like Passive Aggressive Notes. They both remind me of the old America's Funniest Home Videos show, which started innocently enough, and then became a repository of staged and fake videos, people desperate for a chance at the prize money. "Oh no! That tree fell right onto that old car? Everyone act amazed and alarmed!" But who cuts down a tree next to an old car - with a camera rolling? Now it's just people desperate for a chance at ten seconds of notoriety on a fleeting website, creating fake funny notes or disgusting recipes.

I mean really, tempura fried cheesecake with whipped cream?

George Stephanopoulos Thinks Dogs Are Cute

Celebrities on Twitter - I thought it was a good idea at first. I'm rethinking that now. Actual tweets from George Stuffin'envelopes in lower left of image.

Clickopoulos

I Am a Phoenix

If you get around the webosphere with any regularity, you've likely seen this recent banner campaign from the University of Phoenix (school motto: "No serious HR manager even gives us a second look") wherein proud students declare that they are "a Phoenix."

Mr. Phoenix has something to say about that.

Capitalize on Obama

A cottage industry is taking shape around our 44th President. Recession? Nonsense. Just sell Obama stuff. He'll be everywhere before long. People can't seem to get enough of the guy. His weekly Presidential radio address will be on YouTube. ( Damn! It already is. That's pretty presumptuous*.) You can play it over and over again and take comfort from his confident smile and kind eyes.Not enough for you? Listen to him read his own book on your iPhone. How about a t-shirt? The travel and hotel industries are seeing a nice surge in business thanks to the upcoming inauguration. And it won't end there. This is at least a 4-year celebration. I guarantee you this guy's image will be on your money some day, and now is the time for you to make money off of his image! And he can't sue you! This will make the Princess Diana celebrity industry look like a church bake sale.

Pretty soon little girls will be wanting to wear whatever the Obama girls are wearing and there's a very good chance that women will be requesting "the Michelle" at hair salons the world over. Black suits are in. And so are pale blue silk ties. Dog breeders will be doing a brisk business when the Obamas finally select a puppy. I expect more men to join gyms and try to hone their hoop skills. Body-surfing tours of Hawaii should be picking up shortly.

And every time some new tidbit of information leaks out of the Obama White House, like "Barack seen eating M&Ms!" you can bet the sales of whatever is mentioned will go up. I expect to see interviews of the White House chef so that we can all eat like the Obama family and buy the things they like.

This guy is already single-handedly improving the economy. Notice gas prices lately? Obama did that. Tomorrow's supposed to be the biggest shopping day of the year, but retailers are worried. Nonsense! It's called "Black Friday" for a reason now! I feel a sense of hope in the air, don't you? We can thank Obama. Why not start your own Rainbows and Unicorns store? Now's the time. Don't be late. Hurry, act now!

Let's get busy branding our Obama thongs and designing Obama tattoos. There's work to be done.

Yes you can.

* Sean Hannity/Rush Limbaugh code for "uppity."

Maybe I Will Watch SNL After All

I hear Sarah Palin is going to be on SNL tonight. I'm dreading that. I guess I fear she will be funny and win over a couple of dolts willing to overlook her extreme lack of substance. Maybe I will find her funny myself and start feeling sorry for her again, like I have a few times already in this campaign. (Whenever I get that feeling, I just watch one of her stump speeches and realize, "Oh, that's right. She's a crazy, divisive panderer and deserves every second of scorn that comes her way.") But, whatever. If your vote can be swayed by a cameo on SNL, then bless your heart. ("Bless your heart" is southern-speak for, "You need help.")

But the real fun on SNL tonight might come when way-too-serious-movie-actor-leading-man-action-hero-dude Mark Wahlberg finds Andy Samberg and brings down some retribution Middle School Style!

Watch him on Kimmel. Maybe it's a just a joke and Samberg is in on it and Wahlberg is not bad at comedy. I could see them setting this stunt up for viewership as well as promotion for Wahlberg's current movie.

The Answer is NO, Nothing is Sacred

On Obama's recent Middle-East tour, he left a prayer in the Wailing Wall, which was then removed and published in an Israeli newspaper. Some rabbis are rightfully outraged at the paper, but since it's out there, I'll go ahead and show it to you, found at the LA Times, which exonerates itself for publishing it with the headline, "Israeli Paper Publishes Obama Western Wall Prayer." Sure, LA Times, blame it on the Jews.

Now I will show you the prayer as interpreted by Sean Hannity.


As always, the extremely witty commenter community at Gawker is having fun with this story.

B-Rock Wants to Meet You BACKSTAGE

It's getting a little too close to Celebrity Superstar Madness over in Obamaland. But at least it's out in the open now. With this candidate, we can finally put to rest the archaic notion that electing a president is based on policy and issues. It is nothing more than a popularity contest. We know how it works by now: they all lie, they all make promises they won't keep, they all attack each other unfairly, they all have shady associations, they all pretend to be in touch. Starting with Kennedy vs Nixon in 1960, it comes down to who reads a teleprompter better, who has better speech writers and who looks better in pictures. The McCain camp knows they are going to get their asses kicked hard in this charisma/charm contest.

Usually we are forced to choose between the least uncharismatic of the two candidates. This year we've got The Smiling King of Charisma vs The Old Man Who Yells "Get Off My Lawn" at The Neighbor Kids. And if a charismatic leader can get into the Oval Office, the hope is that he or she will lead through sheer charm. That's a big hope, but Reagan pulled it off.

The following is from the campaign's headquarters, who've just announced that Obama will deliver his acceptance speech not in the convention hall, but in a 75,000 seat football stadium:

"If you make a donation of $5 or more between now and midnight on July 31st, you could be one of 10 supporters chosen to fly to Denver and spend two days and nights at the convention, meet Barack backstage, and watch his acceptance speech in person."

That seems more suited to a teen idol than it does a serious contender for the presidency. Then again, we've never had a serious contender for the presidency who was also a teen idol.

Somewhere right now is a film crew putting together what will be a very moving piece about the rise of Obama. They have full access and the best equipment. They're getting candid backstage moments and private conversations in hotel elevators. The editing will include plenty of slo-mo and cool music, crowd shots and mini-crises in real time. It's almost done. After the acceptance speech in Denver, they just need to tack on the election night celebration footage and run the credits.

You'll be able to own the DVD by Christmas.

If I could stick a knife in my heart
Suicide right on stage
Would it be enough for your teenage lust?
Would it help to ease the pain? Ease your brain?

Louisiana Trailer Trash Train Wreck Tops News

This is what matters. This is what we care about. This gets top billing this afternoon on Google News.

What we need in this country is a bone-jarring, teeth-rattling facepunch.

What? That's a UK paper's photo? OK. Then they need one too.

Countdown to Overexposure and Backlash

...in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.















Dane Cook is everywhere. And he only tucks in the front of his t-shirt so we can see his bad ass belt-buckle. That style, like Dane, should be on the way out very soon. If he's not in the latest movie being forced down America's collective throat (Oh! Steve Carell playing a bumbling do-gooder having a hard time with the ladies! What a concept!) then he's doing World Series commercials for Fox. His stand-up sucked. (There's even a website called Dane Cook Sucks.) I'll admit, I've laughed once or twice listening to a Dane Cook routine, but watching it takes the funny away.

Dane, please take your strategically messed up hair and your carefully cultivated five o'clock shadow and leave my country alone.

(The Dane Cook fanbase is a crazy bunch of zealots. I'm deleting any comments that show up blindly praising Dane and all he does.)