An Xtranormal Job Search - Part II

After my interview, the people doing the hiring discuss the candidates.

An Xtranormal Job Search

I'm on a campaign to find a job by Thanksgiving.

Job Seekers Who Do Not Meet All Requirements Need Not Apply

It doesn't matter that you can demonstrate award-winning skills in a variety of disciplines. They know exactly what they want in a candidate, and you are not it.

What few job offers that are out there these days have a specific specialist in mind. The days of the creative generalist seem to be winding down. I saw a quote from Tina Brown in the paper today:

"No one I know has a job anymore. They've got Gigs."

In today's "Boys of the Credenza" comic, The Creative Team meets with the Human Resources Director. (Based on an actual ad I found on Career Builder. Click for the big.)

LOLSUITS No. 2

Previously in LOLSUITS.

Formal Friday

A Morality Play for Salespeople.
Wait: Morality? Sales?
Nevermind.
OK, it's just a skit that fell out of my head after I saw this picture.

JANE

I just love Formal Fridays. They make me feel pretty.

JIM

At the risk of creating an HR incident, you are always pretty, Jane, Formal Friday or not.

JANE

(Laughing) Oh, Jim, you're so funny.

JIM

I'm not trying to be funny. You're totally hot. Always.

JANE

Let's pretend you're being funny then, OK? That's sure a handsome metal desk.

JIM

Thanks. Wanna lay on it? Super comfortable.

JANE

Uh....I thank you, but no. Where's your chair?

JIM

Well, I don't like to sit on Formal Fridays 'cause it wrinkles my tux, so I stick the chair in the closet. But that is one handsome metal desk, huh?

JANE

Certainly.

JIM

Handsome handsome.

JANE

Indeed.

JIM

Am I handsome?

JANE

Jim.

JIM

Yes, Jane?

JANE

We are coworkers. Our relationship is professional.

JIM

I know. But I'm in sales. I can't stop trying.

JANE

So, I am just a prospect to you? A potential "sale"?

JIM

Look, if I make 30 calls on my avocado phone over there and three say "yes," then the effort was worth it.

JANE

I see. And how many "calls" have you made today besides the one you're working right now?

JIM

You sure smell pretty.

JANE

You're disgusting.

JIM

Disgusting in a roguish, rakish way? Like a pirate?

JANE

No. Like a pig disgusting.

JIM

You dig me, I can tell.

JANE

No, I don't.

JIM

No means yes.

JANE

No. No means no.

JIM

And today's opposite day.

JANE

No, it's Formal Friday. And I bid you good day, sir.

[Jane exits, stage right]

JIM

I sooo almost had her.

Image via Plan 59

I Am a Phoenix

If you get around the webosphere with any regularity, you've likely seen this recent banner campaign from the University of Phoenix (school motto: "No serious HR manager even gives us a second look") wherein proud students declare that they are "a Phoenix."

Mr. Phoenix has something to say about that.

Sexual Harrassment: It Works Both Ways

In your dreams, dudes.

The lawyer suggests that you tell "the temptress" to stop calling you "strong" and to stop seeking you out on the warehouse floor in her tight leather skirt. It's really bothersome. Classic early 90s production and slinky music in this CYA film apparently written as comedy.

The Boss Wants Your Goals

And he will have a fancy name for them, like "Aspirational Benchmarks." And he will meet with you again later in the year to see how you're doing. And you will say, "I think I've hit all my goals." And he will say, "You're doing better in areas A and B, but you need improvement in area C." And you will fantasize about weighing him down with bricks and tossing him in a river. You might even draw a cartoon of that fantasy. Try not to post that cartoon on your cube wall.

Click for the Bigness, Print it, Post it on your Cube Wall.

Obama Looking for People Who've Never Seen a Computer

...to help run his administration.
Here's one of the questions from the incoming administration's lengthy questionnaire for potential employees:

Electronic communications: If you have ever sent an electronic communication, including but not limited to an email, text message or instant message, that could suggest a conflict of interest or be a possible source of embarrassment to you, your family, or the president-elect if it were made public, please describe.

So, assuming everyone guilty goes to the bottom of the pile, that leaves only Ted Stevens and John McCain to help Obama run the country.

Hannity: HEY! He can't even lift his arms to comb his hair! It's not his fault he can't use a computer!
Jetpacks: STFU, Sean.

Via 23/6.

Another Ugly Day of Cardboard Boxes and Tears

This time it's the IT department getting whittled down to next-to-nothing, with lots of long faces and huddles of survivors in the corridors of CubeWorld^TM, wondering how they escaped this round and whispering about when their turn before the Executioners of HR is coming.

On the bright side, when Obama is President, there will be lots and lots of people working in construction and the Peace Corps and National Service, building roads and bridges, monorails and moving sidewalks, teaching children to love their country while we all work together, making a beautiful world where rainbows shine and unicorns sing under a cloudless sky. That sure will be nice.

Dear HR

I've about exhausted the "Old Man and His Platoon of Butt-Kissers" comic. So here's a new one.

No, I Haven't Seen "Mad Men" Yet

I might get around to it eventually. Meantime, here's my take on it, based on what I've read.

Click for Large