My Final Assignment in CubeWorld™

They say, "Do what you love." Ha! Wouldn't we all love to be able to follow that trite advice? Whoever said that was one of the rare people already doing what they love. Most of us do well to "do what we can stand." Sorry, kids. this is the way of the world - that is if you want to eat and pay your bills.

But today I'm fairly convinced that this will be the last time I have to "do what you hate." It's awesome when a person is passionate about their work. It's sad when they are the opposite of passionate. That's what this place makes me. (Looking up the opposite of passionate now but can't find the right word.) The problem is the product we sell. Right now I am creating the third and fourth emails in a campaign where the recipients ignored the initial and follow-up emails. In other words, they have no interest in what we are offering, its reputation sullied after years of being oversold and undermaintained, but we will hammer at that list as long as we have names and live emails.

And that lack of belief in what we do here is detrimental not only to me, but to my coworkers and the company. They don't need a malcontent like me writing their emails, their posters, their come-ons and their hurry-don't-wait-time's-running-outs! I'm sure it hasn't slipped through in my writing to the customers and potential customers that I find the offerings undesirable, but it can't go unnoticed around the cubes, where every manner of corporate waste, abuse, backstabbing, politicking, senseless meetings, endless projects and underhanded weaselness is practiced. Not only practiced, but rewarded, as the ones who do those things best rise up in the ranks. These are the sorts of things I enjoy pointing out at every opportunity. Because they are so stupid. And because the people who practice them are so dead to what used to drive them that they don't even see it anymore.

I'm glad to be escaping this tomb of zombies and glad for the opportunities ahead. It's almost lunch time, my stuff is packed. I wrote a Post-it note with the username / password info for this Mac for the next person who sits here. Time to go let the boss know I'm gone. Time to go do something I love.

Things You Should've Learned a Long Time Ago

Or - 12* Things I Won't Miss About CubeWorld^TM

1. When two people are walking down a hall side-by-side in conversation and another person approaches going the opposite way, ONE OF YOU NEEDS TO STEP ASIDE SO I DON'T HAVE TO DUCK INTO A DOORWAY TO LET YOU PASS.
2. I'm sure whomever you're talking to on your cellphone from the bathroom stall would love to know that YOU ARE TALKING TO THEM WHILE TAKING A CRAP.
3. FLUSH THE DAMN TOILET, ASSHOLE.
4. Your cologne/perfume needs to be used MORE SPARINGLY.
5. Switching to Spanish from English when the non-Hispanic enters the area is RUDE.
6. Could you possibly crunch your snack ANY LOUDER?
7. We don't all love your music. They're called HEADPHONES.
8. The meetings about meetings? They're a WASTE OF TIME and MONEY.
9. It's going to take you a long time to clear your cube of all those personal belongings when they lay you off. IT'S WORK - NOT A SHRINE TO YOUR CHILDREN, CATS or BOYFRIEND.
10. Gay guys - shut up with the gay sex humor. WE GET IT; YOU'RE GAY.
11. Gay guys - quit complimenting the women. Straight guys get TAKEN TO H.R. FOR THAT.
12. The morning gossip sessions about what you watched on TV last night need to be dialed down - SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP.

* Post #1,200 at Where's My Jetpack?

Mariah Carey, What Hath Thou Wrought?

I don't know when it started, but somewhere along the way singers all started to do that warbly thing. I can't describe it in words well, but it's where they take a single syllable and turn it into five syllables and take it all over a scale or up and down an octave. It's show-off singing. Right now, some cube dweller here on what I call "Death Row" (where they keep the creatives on their way out soon - far away from the other creatives) someone from another department keeps a clock radio for company. They also enjoy Christmas music. Some unknown (to me) lady crooner is smoothing her way through "Do You Hear What I Hear" right now, where even the word "I" is an unrecognizable string of sounds, as if she's trying to impress a panel of judges at a high school talent show. It's enough to make me even more Scrooge-like. Gimme my headphones.

I Should Update the Microsoft Spellchecker

And simply click "add" so that this word doesn't get the red squiggly underline anymore. But I don't as a reminder that Google and Microsoft are mortal enemies, and that Microsoft purposely did not include the word "Google" in their dictionary because they hate them that much. Maybe subsequent versions gave in, but I'm sure the hate is still just as real.

Resistance is futile, Ballmer.

And speaking of rivalries and things Microsoft hates, I used to be a die-hard PC guy, not willing to go along with the cultists who love their Macs so much that they have little Apple stickers on their cars, but as my gig at CubeWorld^TM comes to an end next week, I realize how much I will miss my Mac. Mac is just way better, less prone to failure and far more intuitive. If I were working on the Mac campaign, my suggested tagline would be "Way better." But really, I will miss my Mac mostly for the Apple+shift+4 selective screen grab feature, which makes things like grabbing the above image so much easier, making blogging from work that much stealthier.

What? Was I Supposed to Lie?

With Life-Like Violence

You know a company is going through tough times not just by the layoffs, but by the inattention to building and facilities maintenance.

The Galaga machine down in the employee lounge has had a faulty power supply for over a month and no one has been out to fix it. Having conquered that game and owning all high scores, I was forced to turn my attention to Tekken Tag. Today I beat the final level.

I believe my work here is done.

Another Ugly Day of Cardboard Boxes and Tears

This time it's the IT department getting whittled down to next-to-nothing, with lots of long faces and huddles of survivors in the corridors of CubeWorld^TM, wondering how they escaped this round and whispering about when their turn before the Executioners of HR is coming.

On the bright side, when Obama is President, there will be lots and lots of people working in construction and the Peace Corps and National Service, building roads and bridges, monorails and moving sidewalks, teaching children to love their country while we all work together, making a beautiful world where rainbows shine and unicorns sing under a cloudless sky. That sure will be nice.

You Know That Recession They Talk About?

It's real. A bunch of people got their walking papers this morning here in CubeWorld^TM. Artists, writers, production managers, web designers and account execs—gone. It sucks to watch them pack their stuff and say their goodbyes. Most of them were gone by the time I got in today, but a few can still be heard over the cube walls, packing boxes and doing their best to make light of the circumstance.

I'm told their benefits expire at midnight tonight. What a bite. On the bright side, they were treated to a last meal. Here's this morning's message from our department blog.

I think we should all band together and start an agency. With the talent that walked out of here today, you could build a pretty good shop. I get first dibs on the position of agency blogger. Oh, and I know how to start an agency.

Dear HR

I've about exhausted the "Old Man and His Platoon of Butt-Kissers" comic. So here's a new one.

Cell-Phone Photography Review

Since I know you've been waiting for more in my sporadic series featuring my stunning and thoughtful photographic studies of life in CubeWorld^TM , I present the latest print. It's called "Stay Hungry - Applesauce and Chopsticks #23."

From Cell Phone Photography Review Quarterly comes this assessment:

Jetpacks again defies reason, sense and taste by giving us another of his grainy, stupid cell-phone images. As if we didn't notice the "irony" of putting chopsticks in applesauce, the "photographer" has to title this "piece" to help us "get it." As for composition, lighting and texture, why even bother? When your subject matter is so inane, it's hard to care about the thing any further. Shite. Crap. Poop.

Hmmm. Jealous much, CPPRQ?

Uh, Thanks?

My department at CubeWorld^TM has a little blog where we keep up on who's sick or who's coming in late or if there are donuts from some print vendor in the break room. It's a little team thing that makes us all feel "connected" and stuff. Feel good inspiration from the bosses, policy updates, server issues, etc. They also post birthdays. They posted mine today. That was nice.

Except my birthday is in mid December.

Leaving Your Mark

What was to be a three-month gig turned into 14 months, but the economy finally caught up to the industry and MegaCorp is jettisoning a few of us in CubeWorld^TM who are contractors: an art director, a proofreader, a production manager and me, a copy paster writer.

In a very humane act atypical of giant multinationals, they're giving us six weeks to scout around for work and wrap up what little we've got left to do here.

I like to think I made a contribution. One of the accomplishments of which I am most proud is owning all five of the High Score positions on the Galaga game in the company's break room. No one in this company can touch my Galaga skills. That's going on my résumé.

Notes on a Meeting #5

Billboard meeting this morning. We didn't really get anywhere. I did, however, come up with a new character. He is "F-Man^®" I'm sure you know the guy. He exists in all creative circles, telling everyone why their ideas are lame. (Actually, I am him more often than I'd care to admit.) At F-Man's side is Existential Dawg, another character from a while back.

If I keep this up, I'm going to have an entire cast of characters for a comic soap opera before long.

Follow the trail of "Notes on a Meeting" here.

Notes on a Meeting #4

Sleepy time conference call, requiring doodling.
Meet "Big Bill (Bad Boss)^®"

Click it for large

Follow this trail for earlier "Notes on a Meeting."

The Game of Getting Things Done

Doodles drawn in the Monday morning production meeting, taken into Photoshop for clarification.
Previously in "Notes on a Meeting."

Has it Been a Year Already?

What started as a three-month gig in MegaCorp's Cube World^TM is now a year old. I must be doing something right if they keep me around.

Interestingly, it is also the anniversary of Andrew Meyer's stunt. Name not ringing any bells? Good. Because Andrew Meyer is a jackass who attempted fame the stupid way. His shout shall live forever, though.

Cubicle Still Life

Click for large

A black and white study in the life of the modern cube dweller, taken as we in CubeWorld^™ waited to be released early in litigious fear of Tropical Storm Fay, lest an employee run his car into a ditch on the way home and blame his evil corporate masters for making him stay at work when it was raining a little harder than normal.

A review of the photograph:

In the antiseptic style characteristic of this sort of work, Jetpacks takes us into the typical and retreaded "misery of the cubicle," where it's all wires and buttons, chrome and plastic. A pair of sunglasses suggests the longing for the outdoors and fresh air, while a small fan, ridiculously (or more likely in the mind of the artist, "rebelliously") labeled "fake wind," provides some small semblance of nature. An older model cell phone lets us know (without any attempt at subtlety) that the artist is either stuck in the past or can't afford an iPhone.

For all its overbearing and fervent striving at importance, "Cubicle Still Life" is neither remarkable nor poignant, and calls to mind the photography of impoverished street children who are given disposable cameras for some do-gooder PBS special, randomly and haphazardly taking pictures of nothing.

The Mariachis Went their Separate Ways

A coworker sent me this image and asked me to caption it. It's stuff like this that keeps work fun when the current workload isn't all that fun.

Click for giant image that you can waste a lot of toner on printing