He Loves Them, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

I suppose many pages will be written on how Steve Jobs stopped the world today to announce that music by The Beatles is now available on iTunes. This was billed as an earth-shattering announcement that would change everything. Forever. I'm not going to waste too many words on it. This picture will speak for me.

Have You Eaten of the Tree, Whereof I Commanded You That You Should Not Eat?

If you can keep up with Apple, good for you. I sure can't. Can't afford to. But they are masters at force-feeding their devotees the next big thing. Nevermind that those of us who use it have discovered its many flaws, not the least of which is the partnership with AT&T. Doesn't matter though. It's sleek. It does cool things. It just feels so good in your hand. What will you pay for that feeling? Plenty. And you don't want to be left behind, do you? Like a junkie, you will get one. Can't get enough. And in a year, you will get the next one.

Below is a new email marketing effort from Apple. It's smug and arrogant, like Apple, and basically laughs in your face. The "This changes everything" line is so overused in tech advertising. So is "Again." as a standalone sentence. My take on it after that.

Will It Blend?

UPDATE: Correction: Yes it will blend, if you first break it in half.

The iPad: Who Needs It?

Steve Jobs, who owns a time machine, recently pitched his new invention to a bunch of 1960s era ad men.

Mas Grande

Casting Beans at Grandmas and Other Stuff

I had the opportunity to join Bob Knorpp, John Wall and Bill Green for a serious discussion of marketing news last night on the Beancast. These guys take their marketing seriously, and Bob provided a required reading list that amounted to some 10,000 pages, all of which I devoured half an hour before the show in a futile attempt to act like I knew what I was talking about.

Had never met Bob or John, but it was great to finally put voices to the words they write daily. I have been "collaborating" with Bill for at least three years, and it was nice to actually get to speak with him. I'm fairly certain I contributed little of much use to the conversation, but it was good to be in the company of people who are all over social media trends, agency news and the eternal battle of Apple vs. Microsoft. At times I felt like the shade tree mechanic visiting with a group of top Porsche engineers in a glass and chrome complex in Stuttgart.

I stand by my comment that if you regard Facebook as "indispensable" to your life, then you need to get a life.

AT&T and Apple: Smelly Pirate Hookers

A long time ago, (the 1990s) before everyone and their grandma ditched their landlines for their cell phones, a bunch of telecoms would compete vigorously for your long distance service. There were rebates and incentives to get you to switch, and the MCIs, AT&Ts and Sprints of the world were locked in a fierce death struggle. I remember one particular promotion in which AT&T offered anyone who had left them $100 to come back. As a loyal AT&T customer, this pissed me off, so I called them and said,

"Hey! I never left! Where's my $100? You reward people who left you for MCI and then come back? What about the people who never left you? I'm leaving unless you give me $100."

So they applied $100 to my account. I guess those were the glory days for customer service reps, when your random call-center jackleg in West Covina could toss around hundred-dollar bills.

Now, AT&T Wireless, (formerly Cingular) in conjunction with Apple (formerly the Satanic Church of Steve Jobs) are at it again.

I bought my iPhone in May. Now the new one is out. And it's pretty. And Better. Stronger. Faster. Apple was kind enough to let me know of the new version of the iPhone in a SPAM email they sent me, my very first SPAM from Apple since registering at iTunes and the App store.

If you've never owned an iPhone before, you can have this baby for just $199. Of course you'll also need to sign a two-year, iron-clad, sacrifice-your-children, accept the mark of the Beast contract with AT&T.

The $199 has an asterisk next to it. That asterisk is for those of us already in love with the iPhone. Its' text reads:

Requires new two-year AT&T wireless service contract, sold separately to qualified customers; credit check required; must be 18 or older. For non-qualified customers, including existing AT&T customers who want to upgrade from another phone or replace an iPhone 3G, the price with a new two-year agreement is $499 (8GB), $599 (16GB), or $699 (32GB).

I believe this is taught in business schools in a course called "Fucking Your Customers - Locking Them In and Hanging Them Out to Dry."

I'm trying to figure out the business logic of treating your current customers this way. I think it boils down to:

"We've got Dave locked in for two years as it is. In two years' time, he will either: (A) Break his iPhone and need a new one; (B) Sell his iPhone on eBay and then come back for the new one, in which case his two-year contract starts all over again; or (C) Quickly forget about this slight after blogging about it.

Attention Apple and AT&T: I don't need you. There are other phones in the sea (or something like that). There are other companies ready to counter this strategy where you woo new customers at the expense of your current customers. Something about "shitting in your nest" comes to mind.

I'm really mad at you bastards, and in two years, I'll make you pay!

Yeah, There's an App For That

A Strong and Simple Beat (That You Can Dance To)

Apple is pretty savvy when it comes to selecting hook-laden tunes for their iPhone ads. Well, let's face it: Apple is pretty savvy when it comes to everything. I prefer this upbeat number on their spots to the more subdued, hippie work of Orba Squara.

The Submarines: You, Me & the Bourgeoisie.



Call it "selling out", but a band can be made by commercials. From Spoon for Jaguar to Of Montreal for Outback Steakhouse, it's a double-dipping good deal: licensing and royalties for your music, then people hearing your music and wondering who you are and seeking out more. You gotta wonder how many people after seeing this ancient Rice Krispies commercial wondered, "I wonder who's playing that song?" Is J. Walter Thompson the devil who bought Mick's soul? Perhaps.

Can't afford some about-to-blow-up band's cool music on your less-than-Apple budget? Short custom compositions that set the proper mood for your production are a great way to go.

Just Say No to Texting at Lunch

Your lack of social graces is embarrassing.
Put it in your pocket or purse, please.

Everyone I know has some form of smart phone. I'm still stuck in 2005 with my little Motorola phone that...wait for it...makes and receives phone calls. (And also takes pictures and sends and receives texts. I can even update to Twitter and Facebook on it, but that's not good enough!)

Verizon and AT&T and Sprint and who knows who else are all bent on convincing me that I need their EXCLUSIVE Blackberry. (They all have an EXCLUSIVE Blackberry.) Forget about the iPhone. Apple is bent on convincing me that the future has come and gone and I've been left on the communications tarmac, like the last man on earth who missed the last flight to the moon as the coming apocalypse is about to blow my technologically-retarded ass away. But I'm not sure I want to go the smart phone route. Most people I know who own these things can't stop sending emails at meetings and meals or holding the device while they're driving, going, "Look, that little circle on the map is us! And it shows where we are! Is that cool, or what?" They didn't nickname it Crackberry for nothing.

OK, truth is I'm jealous. I could probably get a lot more done with a cool phone. And when I get one, I'm almost convinced that it will be an EXCLUSIVE Blackberry deal from AT&T.

All that to introduce this: a pretty funny commercial, well-written, well-produced from some carrier offering an EXCLUSIVE Blackberry deal.

I Should Update the Microsoft Spellchecker

And simply click "add" so that this word doesn't get the red squiggly underline anymore. But I don't as a reminder that Google and Microsoft are mortal enemies, and that Microsoft purposely did not include the word "Google" in their dictionary because they hate them that much. Maybe subsequent versions gave in, but I'm sure the hate is still just as real.

Resistance is futile, Ballmer.

And speaking of rivalries and things Microsoft hates, I used to be a die-hard PC guy, not willing to go along with the cultists who love their Macs so much that they have little Apple stickers on their cars, but as my gig at CubeWorld^TM comes to an end next week, I realize how much I will miss my Mac. Mac is just way better, less prone to failure and far more intuitive. If I were working on the Mac campaign, my suggested tagline would be "Way better." But really, I will miss my Mac mostly for the Apple+shift+4 selective screen grab feature, which makes things like grabbing the above image so much easier, making blogging from work that much stealthier.

Blogging In CubeWorld™

New OS installed overnight. Everything shiny and new. Firefox not a priority to the Web Blocking Police of IT. Blog window of opportunity may shut at any moment. If I lose contact, send MREs, cigarettes and whiskey. Jetpacks out.

Maybe We Should Use a Bitten Apple Intsead

I use a Mac at work. Other than the insane collection of fonts, I don't see the superiority. This is not an invitation for Mac Cultists to deride my PC preference or claim that Bill Gates is the Antichrist. Clearly, your magician in black has had sinister plans from the start. Note the early logo: Isaac Newton sitting under an apple tree.
Via

Big Idea - no CGI

Hate being late to the game, but I just saw this last night on Comedy Central during Colbert (I think). I love the notion of innovative low tech ideas that grab your eye. This one plays on Sprint's theme of "Speed of Light."



I know Sprint has had some troubles of late and is in hot water for firing some of their more bitchy customers, but they seem to be making moves against the monolith of AT&T /Apple and its glroious new Savior of the Universe, the iPhone. I don't know how Sprint's service works, as I've been locked into Cingular/AT&T for too long.

I'm pretty sure every service has its pitfalls and drawbacks - and all you're left with to distinguish them in the end is marketing. This does that, I think. As someone pointed out on American Copywriter, the writing could use some tweaking, but still, it's not bad.

Notes on YouTube say the park this was shot at is Yerba Buena Gardens in San Francisco and that the music is by Architecture in Helsinki.

The Illusionist Strikes Again

"Your merchants were the world's great men. By your magic spell all the nations were led astray."

Ever notice how Steve Jobs always does photos with that piercing David Copperfield/David Blaine face? The guy's a damned hypnotist - and if you camp out in a line for his new phone, you deserve to have it blow up in your ear.

A Revolution in Phones

Introducing....

My beat up old Motorola V400. Works great. Lasts a long time. Makes and receives phone calls. Has speed dial. Can text message and browse web (if I ever wanted to do that on a phone.) Alarm clock, games, datebook. And much, much more.

Way too much hype surrounding the iPhone. I really don't care to watch an episode of The Office on a tiny screen in my hands. I watch TV on my TV. I don't need to receive images from your vacation on my phone. I don't want to download music to my phone. I have an MP3 player for that. (And a note to all you ringtone downloaders: Knock it off. It's stupid. Make your phone ring, please. Or better yet, VIBRATE. Don't subject me to your favorite whining new emo tune or some Miami salsa sap.)

I need a phone for phone calls. That's all.

Hey, Steve Jobs. Don't need it. Won't be holding my breath until June. Bet you the price of an iPhone that my V400 still works fine by then.

All you salivating gadget junkies are far too connected. You'd accept email in your sleep if Jobs found a way to do that for you. Go off the grid for a few hours. It's liberating.