The MSN Janitor Reaches The Sacred Chambers

Apocalyptic Proportions

Previously in this twisted series:

Revenge of the Google Janitor

The Google Janitor Defects to MSN

The Google Janitor Defects to MSN

Legible

Today's Cool is Tomorrow's Retro

HighJive pointed out in the last edition of this comic what I couldn't figure out about my hack Photoshop work; that Major Mike Adams looked as though he was standing in a trench. So now he's seated to deliver another lesson to the always attentive Credenza Brothers.

Surely by now you've figured this part out; that when you click the image, it becomes legible.

Finding the Antichrist on Google

This is my 666^th blog post here on Where's My Jetpack? So now is the perfect opportunity to engage in the time-honored practice millions of fringe religious groups, theologians and prophecy "scholars" have engaged in since Nero was impaling Christians around Rome and then setting their bodies aflame. (To my Christian readers: Tim LaHaye's Left Behind series is pure and utter Crap. With a capital "C.")

Using Google, I will type in the names of prominent figures along with the word "antichrist." (Example: Olsen twins + antichrist) and then display the number of search results for each query.

Results:

Ahmadinejad 39,400
McCain 102,000
Bush 133,000
Obama 176,000
Hillary 232,000
Clinton 443,000
Gates 563,000
Jobs 597,000

Based on these results, I predict that if Clinton gets the nomination of her party and goes on to defeat McCain, there will be human sacrifices on the South Lawn of the White House every full moon, as well as during the solstices and equinoxes - or as often as it shall please Her Majesty, the Anointed One.

I was surprised by Steve Jobs edging out Bill Gates as a possible antichrist.

Then again, here is a photo of Steve Jobs as a child.

One more thing: searching Google + antichrist netted 984,000 results, proving perhaps that one day we will all serve our evil master Google.

Yeah, you're right. We already do.

(To my Jewish readers: The Hebrew character that respresents the number "6" is the same character that represents the letter "w" right? So "www" equals "666." Cool, huh?)

Is Yoohoo Really Worth $44 Billion?

Does anyone even drink this stuff anymore?

What?

Yahoo?

Oh.

Well, does anyone even use that search engine anymore?

Maybe We Should Use a Bitten Apple Intsead

I use a Mac at work. Other than the insane collection of fonts, I don't see the superiority. This is not an invitation for Mac Cultists to deride my PC preference or claim that Bill Gates is the Antichrist. Clearly, your magician in black has had sinister plans from the start. Note the early logo: Isaac Newton sitting under an apple tree.
Via

Locals Only - Part III

Or: Expensive Software is a Terrible Thing to Waste

A long time ago, when Gates and Jobs had only recently begun their feud, the world was introduced to “desktop publishing.” (This was PG - or Pre Google) Computer buyers were given access to horrible images known as “clip art.” Novices everywhere latched onto these images and began creating logos, business cards, letterhead and magnetic signs. Soon, the outline of two hands shaking was the corporate identity of thousands of independent insurance agents, realtors and assorted “business consultants.”

And then came Photoshop^®. Designers the world over covered their eyes in horror and drank themselves silly, trying to convince themselves they could not be replaced by a dangerous and powerful program, confident in their skills and certain that a complex software package would not be used effectively by the masses. It was not used effectively and the designers were proven right, but that did not stop the masses.

The bevel was discovered by hundreds of thousands of car dealers. The drop shadow was abused by countless friends of the business owners, who were “doing a little side work” in logo design. Children presented their ad concepts to their parents. And the world will never be the same. I’ve been known to make a designer cringe with my concepts, but I only use it for conveying ideas and rough sketches. Just because you have Photoshop, please don’t assume you can design.

Realtors have been the worst abusers.

The conversation at the photo shoot for the ad below went something like this.

“Josh, I feel really stupid standing here with my arm hanging in the air. Are you sure about this?”
“A little lower, Mom. Perfect. Can you let your wrist relax a little – like you’re leaning on a fence?”

“Are you sure this is going to look right?”

“Trust me, Mom. I have a program called Photoshop. You’re going to be leaning on your logo! It’ll be so cool!”

Local Only Part II

Locals Only Part I

Vista is Spanish for View

Years ago in days of old, when Magic filled the air*, radio and television were dominated by single-sponsor programs. They had variety shows or serials that were "brought to you by" Maxwell House coffee or Chesterfield cigarettes. The shows' hosts and actors became shameless shills as they broke character to smoke a Chesterfield on camera or loudly slurp a cup of coffee over the airwaves, marveling at the rich, smooth taste of both.

Those days are back, minus the out and out shamelessless of those old endeavors.

It's a good advertising model, as anyone who watched Demetri Martin's show on Comedy Central last night can attest. You feel like you're getting a special on HBO or Showtime, except for the amusing if perplexing interruptions for clearification.com and the Institute for Advanced Personhood at ipa.org. Both are creations of Mekanism of San Francisco and McCann Erickson as they rolled out Windows Vista last night in a new/old way. The association with Vista became more apparent as the one-hour special moved along, but the slow reveal, as it were, made you appreciate both the concept, and the departure from the usual seven spots blaring at you in three and a half minutes.

The idea is, of course, Buzz. More importantly, blogger buzz and MySpace buzz and Web 2.0 buzz and viral buzz and social networking buzz. Buzz, buzz, buzz. And compared to the Steve Jobs Wizard in Black Turtleneck on Stage Before Drooling Fans Unveiling the New Product model, I'd take this one. Much more daring and risky.

Following Demetri Martin came the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, where the "detached pitchman" model was abandoned for what amounted to a hostile takeover by Microsoft of the last half of the show. Not only did the Bill Gates interview last a full fifteen minutes, but commercial bumps in and out were devoid of the mainstay Daily Show rocking theme, favoring a gentle soundtrack accompanied by the Vista logo animating over the Daily Show logo. When Bill comes back and is talking to Stewart, the Windows Vista signage and paraphernalia are everywhere, making you feel like you're at a trade show. Softball questions, little information, with basically a "come and see" pitch from the Billman, Stewart gamely playing along.

After the Colbert Report, it was an "encore presentation" of the Martin special. Martin, a veteran of The Daily Show, is a mix of Stephen Wright and CarrotTop, with a little vintage Steve Martin musicianship. The Martin Model is refreshing, as even the clearification.com site makes no mention of Vista. You can tell they're related, but he's not shoving it in our faces.

Not sure what Microsoft paid for total domination of a network last night, but it's an interesting (if old) idea that we will likely be seeing more of.

Did I fall into their sinister marketing trap by blogging about it? I guess I did. But it took me years to finally fork over the money for a legit copy of XP Pro. I'm not buying Vista anytime soon. I might "come and see" what the hype is about, but I'll likely wait about 4 years, after all the hacks have been fixed and the holes plugged.

And I had my suspicions comfirmed last night that Jon Stewart's writers steal material from this and other ramblings of mine. In the interview with Gates, Stewart asked, "So, when do we get our jetpacks?" But that's what social media is all about, I guess.

*Bonus points for this homage.