Workplace Motivational Poster

Click for bigger. I think Steve Jobs would be proud.

He Loves Them, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

I suppose many pages will be written on how Steve Jobs stopped the world today to announce that music by The Beatles is now available on iTunes. This was billed as an earth-shattering announcement that would change everything. Forever. I'm not going to waste too many words on it. This picture will speak for me.

Have You Eaten of the Tree, Whereof I Commanded You That You Should Not Eat?

If you can keep up with Apple, good for you. I sure can't. Can't afford to. But they are masters at force-feeding their devotees the next big thing. Nevermind that those of us who use it have discovered its many flaws, not the least of which is the partnership with AT&T. Doesn't matter though. It's sleek. It does cool things. It just feels so good in your hand. What will you pay for that feeling? Plenty. And you don't want to be left behind, do you? Like a junkie, you will get one. Can't get enough. And in a year, you will get the next one.

Below is a new email marketing effort from Apple. It's smug and arrogant, like Apple, and basically laughs in your face. The "This changes everything" line is so overused in tech advertising. So is "Again." as a standalone sentence. My take on it after that.

Will It Blend?

UPDATE: Correction: Yes it will blend, if you first break it in half.

The iPad: Who Needs It?

Steve Jobs, who owns a time machine, recently pitched his new invention to a bunch of 1960s era ad men.

Mas Grande

AT&T and Apple: Smelly Pirate Hookers

A long time ago, (the 1990s) before everyone and their grandma ditched their landlines for their cell phones, a bunch of telecoms would compete vigorously for your long distance service. There were rebates and incentives to get you to switch, and the MCIs, AT&Ts and Sprints of the world were locked in a fierce death struggle. I remember one particular promotion in which AT&T offered anyone who had left them $100 to come back. As a loyal AT&T customer, this pissed me off, so I called them and said,

"Hey! I never left! Where's my $100? You reward people who left you for MCI and then come back? What about the people who never left you? I'm leaving unless you give me $100."

So they applied $100 to my account. I guess those were the glory days for customer service reps, when your random call-center jackleg in West Covina could toss around hundred-dollar bills.

Now, AT&T Wireless, (formerly Cingular) in conjunction with Apple (formerly the Satanic Church of Steve Jobs) are at it again.

I bought my iPhone in May. Now the new one is out. And it's pretty. And Better. Stronger. Faster. Apple was kind enough to let me know of the new version of the iPhone in a SPAM email they sent me, my very first SPAM from Apple since registering at iTunes and the App store.

If you've never owned an iPhone before, you can have this baby for just $199. Of course you'll also need to sign a two-year, iron-clad, sacrifice-your-children, accept the mark of the Beast contract with AT&T.

The $199 has an asterisk next to it. That asterisk is for those of us already in love with the iPhone. Its' text reads:

Requires new two-year AT&T wireless service contract, sold separately to qualified customers; credit check required; must be 18 or older. For non-qualified customers, including existing AT&T customers who want to upgrade from another phone or replace an iPhone 3G, the price with a new two-year agreement is $499 (8GB), $599 (16GB), or $699 (32GB).

I believe this is taught in business schools in a course called "Fucking Your Customers - Locking Them In and Hanging Them Out to Dry."

I'm trying to figure out the business logic of treating your current customers this way. I think it boils down to:

"We've got Dave locked in for two years as it is. In two years' time, he will either: (A) Break his iPhone and need a new one; (B) Sell his iPhone on eBay and then come back for the new one, in which case his two-year contract starts all over again; or (C) Quickly forget about this slight after blogging about it.

Attention Apple and AT&T: I don't need you. There are other phones in the sea (or something like that). There are other companies ready to counter this strategy where you woo new customers at the expense of your current customers. Something about "shitting in your nest" comes to mind.

I'm really mad at you bastards, and in two years, I'll make you pay!

Today's Cool is Tomorrow's Retro

HighJive pointed out in the last edition of this comic what I couldn't figure out about my hack Photoshop work; that Major Mike Adams looked as though he was standing in a trench. So now he's seated to deliver another lesson to the always attentive Credenza Brothers.

Surely by now you've figured this part out; that when you click the image, it becomes legible.

Finding the Antichrist on Google

This is my 666^th blog post here on Where's My Jetpack? So now is the perfect opportunity to engage in the time-honored practice millions of fringe religious groups, theologians and prophecy "scholars" have engaged in since Nero was impaling Christians around Rome and then setting their bodies aflame. (To my Christian readers: Tim LaHaye's Left Behind series is pure and utter Crap. With a capital "C.")

Using Google, I will type in the names of prominent figures along with the word "antichrist." (Example: Olsen twins + antichrist) and then display the number of search results for each query.

Results:

Ahmadinejad 39,400
McCain 102,000
Bush 133,000
Obama 176,000
Hillary 232,000
Clinton 443,000
Gates 563,000
Jobs 597,000

Based on these results, I predict that if Clinton gets the nomination of her party and goes on to defeat McCain, there will be human sacrifices on the South Lawn of the White House every full moon, as well as during the solstices and equinoxes - or as often as it shall please Her Majesty, the Anointed One.

I was surprised by Steve Jobs edging out Bill Gates as a possible antichrist.

Then again, here is a photo of Steve Jobs as a child.

One more thing: searching Google + antichrist netted 984,000 results, proving perhaps that one day we will all serve our evil master Google.

Yeah, you're right. We already do.

(To my Jewish readers: The Hebrew character that respresents the number "6" is the same character that represents the letter "w" right? So "www" equals "666." Cool, huh?)

Maybe We Should Use a Bitten Apple Intsead

I use a Mac at work. Other than the insane collection of fonts, I don't see the superiority. This is not an invitation for Mac Cultists to deride my PC preference or claim that Bill Gates is the Antichrist. Clearly, your magician in black has had sinister plans from the start. Note the early logo: Isaac Newton sitting under an apple tree.
Via

The Illusionist Strikes Again

"Your merchants were the world's great men. By your magic spell all the nations were led astray."

Ever notice how Steve Jobs always does photos with that piercing David Copperfield/David Blaine face? The guy's a damned hypnotist - and if you camp out in a line for his new phone, you deserve to have it blow up in your ear.

Locals Only - Part III

Or: Expensive Software is a Terrible Thing to Waste

A long time ago, when Gates and Jobs had only recently begun their feud, the world was introduced to “desktop publishing.” (This was PG - or Pre Google) Computer buyers were given access to horrible images known as “clip art.” Novices everywhere latched onto these images and began creating logos, business cards, letterhead and magnetic signs. Soon, the outline of two hands shaking was the corporate identity of thousands of independent insurance agents, realtors and assorted “business consultants.”

And then came Photoshop^®. Designers the world over covered their eyes in horror and drank themselves silly, trying to convince themselves they could not be replaced by a dangerous and powerful program, confident in their skills and certain that a complex software package would not be used effectively by the masses. It was not used effectively and the designers were proven right, but that did not stop the masses.

The bevel was discovered by hundreds of thousands of car dealers. The drop shadow was abused by countless friends of the business owners, who were “doing a little side work” in logo design. Children presented their ad concepts to their parents. And the world will never be the same. I’ve been known to make a designer cringe with my concepts, but I only use it for conveying ideas and rough sketches. Just because you have Photoshop, please don’t assume you can design.

Realtors have been the worst abusers.

The conversation at the photo shoot for the ad below went something like this.

“Josh, I feel really stupid standing here with my arm hanging in the air. Are you sure about this?”
“A little lower, Mom. Perfect. Can you let your wrist relax a little – like you’re leaning on a fence?”

“Are you sure this is going to look right?”

“Trust me, Mom. I have a program called Photoshop. You’re going to be leaning on your logo! It’ll be so cool!”

Local Only Part II

Locals Only Part I