No Worries: Rush Will Never End Up Like Johnny Rotten

Here's a new spot from AT&T that features a slacker dad shopping for his newborn daughter. He rides around on a mouse wearing a Rush t-shirt. Get it? He's shopping online!!! And likely found the Rush onesie here. The girl will likely grow up to be a total geek.



I can't lie anymore, I love Rush, but I don't know how I feel about them getting this much mainstream action. I mean sure, I pitched them collaborating with Porsche, but that was based on their music.

As Geddy Lee said, "We're the world's biggest cult band." Maybe all the love the band has received in the last year has made them an "acceptable" cult band. I guess I'm glad they're finally getting their due.

Locally, a music writer I follow on Twitter went to their recent show in Tampa. Money quote:

"...a talented band that has forged a strong and unique bond with its fans simply by being honest about who they are and what they do. If that’s not punk rock, I don’t know what is."

Eat it, John Lydon.

(I posted this spot earlier in its unfinished state, but the agency requested it be removed from YouTube because it wasn't done.)

Have You Eaten of the Tree, Whereof I Commanded You That You Should Not Eat?

If you can keep up with Apple, good for you. I sure can't. Can't afford to. But they are masters at force-feeding their devotees the next big thing. Nevermind that those of us who use it have discovered its many flaws, not the least of which is the partnership with AT&T. Doesn't matter though. It's sleek. It does cool things. It just feels so good in your hand. What will you pay for that feeling? Plenty. And you don't want to be left behind, do you? Like a junkie, you will get one. Can't get enough. And in a year, you will get the next one.

Below is a new email marketing effort from Apple. It's smug and arrogant, like Apple, and basically laughs in your face. The "This changes everything" line is so overused in tech advertising. So is "Again." as a standalone sentence. My take on it after that.

Put Her in the Backseat and Drive Her To Tennessee

Just got back from Tennessee, where I wish I was still. I can't say I missed blogging for one minute. Here's a shot taken during what photographer Ross Halfin calls "God's Light" one evening. Not a single thing was done to this image in Photoshop. Straight from the camera to here. (Click it for the big, screensaver version, free of charge. Hurry while supplies last.)


I'm so enamored of Tennessee, I even love their state flag. Understated, tasteful.

We didn't watch TV for a week, only checked Internet for emergency work emails and only on the computer that had a barely passable connection via Verizon. AT&T was out, as was Sprint. No cell phone service. We just hung out on a porch in the woods in the north central mountains of the state, went swimming and boating (Where's My Jetski?) in a lake and had three great meals a day, no between-meal snacks.

And yes, I've posted this cringe-inducing video before, but it's always worth a second look, especially since Prince sings about Tennessee. In that funky Prince way.

Off The Grid

Like a dumb American, I will join many other idiots on our fine Interstate system tomorrow and travel some 700 miles to a faraway land where the water is said to be clear, the air clean and the inhabitants friendly, if a bit confused. Once the dreaded drive is completed, the aim is to relax.

While I'm sure the inhabitants regard themselves as the mainest of mainstream America, (we will be in one of their red counties) they have been bypassed by the likes of AT&T and other carriers. And when the inhabitants see iPhone commercials on their teevees, do they say to themselves, "Wish we could get that," or do they say, "Stupid phone. Who the hell needs that thing?" I'm guessing the latter. So, it might be fun to do as the Romans do and just use the stupid phone as an iPod and mindless time-waster. (Wolfenstein 3D is a fun app.) Or maybe I'll set it down and read a book.

How's That iPhone Workin' For Ya, City Boy?

We're going on vacation next week. In preparation, I thought I'd consult AT&T to see what sort of voice and data coverage we can expect as we disappear into some American mountains for a lakeside retreat with extended family in a "cabin" that sleeps 25. After looking at the map, I predict boredom, cabin fever and early bedtimes. Or maybe it will be a true vacation, where I'm not answering emails and the worry of wondering if I'll have a job next week will have to wait until I return.

Click for offensive message from AT&T

AT&T and Apple: Smelly Pirate Hookers

A long time ago, (the 1990s) before everyone and their grandma ditched their landlines for their cell phones, a bunch of telecoms would compete vigorously for your long distance service. There were rebates and incentives to get you to switch, and the MCIs, AT&Ts and Sprints of the world were locked in a fierce death struggle. I remember one particular promotion in which AT&T offered anyone who had left them $100 to come back. As a loyal AT&T customer, this pissed me off, so I called them and said,

"Hey! I never left! Where's my $100? You reward people who left you for MCI and then come back? What about the people who never left you? I'm leaving unless you give me $100."

So they applied $100 to my account. I guess those were the glory days for customer service reps, when your random call-center jackleg in West Covina could toss around hundred-dollar bills.

Now, AT&T Wireless, (formerly Cingular) in conjunction with Apple (formerly the Satanic Church of Steve Jobs) are at it again.

I bought my iPhone in May. Now the new one is out. And it's pretty. And Better. Stronger. Faster. Apple was kind enough to let me know of the new version of the iPhone in a SPAM email they sent me, my very first SPAM from Apple since registering at iTunes and the App store.

If you've never owned an iPhone before, you can have this baby for just $199. Of course you'll also need to sign a two-year, iron-clad, sacrifice-your-children, accept the mark of the Beast contract with AT&T.

The $199 has an asterisk next to it. That asterisk is for those of us already in love with the iPhone. Its' text reads:

Requires new two-year AT&T wireless service contract, sold separately to qualified customers; credit check required; must be 18 or older. For non-qualified customers, including existing AT&T customers who want to upgrade from another phone or replace an iPhone 3G, the price with a new two-year agreement is $499 (8GB), $599 (16GB), or $699 (32GB).

I believe this is taught in business schools in a course called "Fucking Your Customers - Locking Them In and Hanging Them Out to Dry."

I'm trying to figure out the business logic of treating your current customers this way. I think it boils down to:

"We've got Dave locked in for two years as it is. In two years' time, he will either: (A) Break his iPhone and need a new one; (B) Sell his iPhone on eBay and then come back for the new one, in which case his two-year contract starts all over again; or (C) Quickly forget about this slight after blogging about it.

Attention Apple and AT&T: I don't need you. There are other phones in the sea (or something like that). There are other companies ready to counter this strategy where you woo new customers at the expense of your current customers. Something about "shitting in your nest" comes to mind.

I'm really mad at you bastards, and in two years, I'll make you pay!

Just Say No to Texting at Lunch

Your lack of social graces is embarrassing.
Put it in your pocket or purse, please.

Everyone I know has some form of smart phone. I'm still stuck in 2005 with my little Motorola phone that...wait for it...makes and receives phone calls. (And also takes pictures and sends and receives texts. I can even update to Twitter and Facebook on it, but that's not good enough!)

Verizon and AT&T and Sprint and who knows who else are all bent on convincing me that I need their EXCLUSIVE Blackberry. (They all have an EXCLUSIVE Blackberry.) Forget about the iPhone. Apple is bent on convincing me that the future has come and gone and I've been left on the communications tarmac, like the last man on earth who missed the last flight to the moon as the coming apocalypse is about to blow my technologically-retarded ass away. But I'm not sure I want to go the smart phone route. Most people I know who own these things can't stop sending emails at meetings and meals or holding the device while they're driving, going, "Look, that little circle on the map is us! And it shows where we are! Is that cool, or what?" They didn't nickname it Crackberry for nothing.

OK, truth is I'm jealous. I could probably get a lot more done with a cool phone. And when I get one, I'm almost convinced that it will be an EXCLUSIVE Blackberry deal from AT&T.

All that to introduce this: a pretty funny commercial, well-written, well-produced from some carrier offering an EXCLUSIVE Blackberry deal.

Text Appeal - HA! Get it?

One of AT&T's current banner ads, modified to get down to what their stupid headline is implying.

As approved by the daring client:What the creative team passed amongst themselves:

Yay, Memories

The award for Best Actress in a Comedy Commercial goes to this lady, playing "Nancy" in the latest AT&T "Didn't Get That Call" series. The series' premise is smart; people narrating a disastrous scene from their life that could've been avoided with AT&T. In this one, the notion of a bunch of 5-year-olds being terrorized by a giant dinosaur at a birthday party is hilarious. Nancy's reaction is just as funny. The radio ad with the same script is equally well-done.

Free Giant Yellow Doorstop

Embarq tells you, "Don't use those inferior yellow pages." Bell South counters with, “Don’t use those wannabe crap Yellow Pages masquerading as the REAL Yellow Pages."

Now Bell South says, “Our Yellow Pages are mucho mas better than before because we’ve changed our name to the NEW AT&T REAL Yellow Pages.”

I can imagine a business owner’s confusion when the Yellow Pages reps come calling. “Which Yellow Pages are you representing?” they ask. “Oh, trust me, ma’am," offers the helpful greased weasel or perfumed hottie, "We’re the one people turn to when they need Yellow Pages.”

So, ask yourself this: When was the last time you used your own Yellow Pages, regardless of who issued them? I’ve got three giant volumes in my kitchen pantry, and I’ll bet the cover's been cracked on maybe one of them in the last year. Maybe you’re different. I just don’t see the need anymore. OK, Internet goes down at the same time you need a plumber. Maybe then.

When a new Yellow Pages lands in my driveway or on my front step, (usualy as a three-volume bag) it invariably gets walked straight into the garage and tossed into the recycle bin.

It’s been said elsewhere, but I'll say it again here just to piss off the people who work in this market: The (traditional) Yellow Pages are Dead.

Businesses, consider saving your money and spending those advertising dollars elsewhere. Unless you’re a personal injury attorney trying to get the glossy insert with the tab or the back cover glory shot of the entire firm in the wood paneled library, what's the point? If they're bundling the offer and you have to be in the book in order to be on the website, demand a discount and say you don't want to be in the book. Tell them you're doing it for the planet.

The Revolution Hasn't Happened Yet

AT&T, Sprint, Verizon: they all talk about "Now headquarters is wherever YOU are." They show the busy business people on the bus, at the golf course, in the airport, at the restaurant - all around the world, spreading the word - getting business done by laptop, mobile device and brain implant transponder.

But still - telecommuting is slow to take off. Why? Lots of reasons, but the biggest I suspect, is trust. Or rather, distrust. If your colleagues can't see you, they assume you're goofing off. Well, at least the dishonest ones assume that - because that's what they'd do if they worked from home.

I worked well from home when it was an option. Not so well on a mobile device or from the golf course (never touched a club in my life) but as long as I've got my high-speed connection here at the casa or on my laptop, what's it matter where I am? I can shoot an email to you just as fast from here as if I were down the hall in a cubicle. Sure, we can't have a face-to-face brainstorming session, but you drink your coffee, I'll load up here, then we can get on the phone and toss some ideas back and forth. If we really got smart and invested a couple hundred bucks, we could set up cameras, then you could watch me and make sure I'm working, or we could have that face-to-face brainstorming session via cable. We can put on the headsets and talk over Skype. Without a commute, my workday started at 7 AM. I can put in more hours at home than I can in an office. And I'll be honest; in those hours I might climb on my bike and take a couple mile journey just to get out and clear my head. But how is that any different than taking my lunch break to work out in the company gym? Did I meet my deadlines? Was the client happy? So, what's your problem?

The cubicle was meant for animals. It’s a kennel. The cubicle was meant for robots and slaves.

Who is the evil genius responsible for this design and who are the salesmen who sold it? Who are the corporate heads that bought into it and why are they still in power? When we find these people, we need to send them off to some sort of camp, along with the purveyors of florescent lights, the builders of time clocks and sellers of the software that does the job of a time clock. Let's also get the people who invented the magnetic company badge that opens the door to your highly classified workplace. We'll put them all out in the middle of nowhere where they won’t disable the creativity of the American worker anymore. Put them in cubicles with fluorescent lighting and make them clock out when they want a drink or a smoke or they need to take a leak. Treat them like animals, cattle, robots. Give them “benefits” that they can’t walk away from. Health, dental, 401K.

Employers can’t trust their cattle to work from home.The employer and manager require dictatorial control and micromanaging of tasks. They need to have meetings about meetings in preparation for the meeting, where they will present a Powerpoint deck about the upcoming meeting. They want dress codes and time clocks. A few have started what they think is a revolution: they've set up teepees and canoes in which they hold meetings. Or maybe they call them pow-wows. Quaint. Cute.

How to sell this notion of telecommuting to the powers that be? Here's something they can understand: drag into this conversation America's favorite worry-du-jour: Global warming. Let's make all these talkers and squawkers prove they really care. Employers could save millions on scaling down their office space, taking advantage of the technology that is available to them right now. We can give employers willing to take part in a telecommuting plan special government incentives, as they will also be contributing to a national traffic solution and "keeping our planet clean for the children of the future." (Choke back the tears, corporate spokeswoman.) Traffic is out of hand in most American cities, and most of it is due to throngs of office workers reporting for cattle call. Gas prices, carbon emissions, etc, etc.

Employers are always dreaming up new ways to make their employees happier. So they invest thousands in the company gym that no one uses, or they offer you Snapple, foosball, corporate daycare and ergonomic keyboards. Save the money. Let your people work from home. That would make many of them happy, and likely more productive. Here's a neat benefit: no more sick days. Unless someone's dying, they can get their ass out of bed and over to the computer to make sure the report they promised by 11:00 AM is where it needs to be.

Many jobs just can't be done remotely - retail, factory, education - but millions can. And while some people enjoy the social environment and interaction of an office, many of us don't. For those who don't, options are available now that would enable us to produce quality work, no matter where we are. Just ask AT&T, Sprint or Verizon.

But it's not going to be a reality anytime soon. You just can't be trusted to do your job out of sight of your corporate masters.

Big Idea - no CGI

Hate being late to the game, but I just saw this last night on Comedy Central during Colbert (I think). I love the notion of innovative low tech ideas that grab your eye. This one plays on Sprint's theme of "Speed of Light."



I know Sprint has had some troubles of late and is in hot water for firing some of their more bitchy customers, but they seem to be making moves against the monolith of AT&T /Apple and its glroious new Savior of the Universe, the iPhone. I don't know how Sprint's service works, as I've been locked into Cingular/AT&T for too long.

I'm pretty sure every service has its pitfalls and drawbacks - and all you're left with to distinguish them in the end is marketing. This does that, I think. As someone pointed out on American Copywriter, the writing could use some tweaking, but still, it's not bad.

Notes on YouTube say the park this was shot at is Yerba Buena Gardens in San Francisco and that the music is by Architecture in Helsinki.

Your Whole Life is a Sponsored Moment™

I was sitting at the Jetpacks Mobile WorkStation^™ when I noticed a bunch of logos staring back at me. And so, this blog post was brought to you by Yahoo!^®, Corona^®, Dell^®, Logitech^® peripherals, the Dish Network^®, Verizon^® Wireless Broadband and Kensington^® peripherals. (And Blogger^®, by Google^®.)

And none of them have paid me yet.

I guess I use them because they're good, or maybe I perceived them as quality goods and services at affordable prices when I engaged them in business, but how do I know that's true if I don't try the others? Like a fickle client leaving a decent, performing agency for another, I'm willing to ditch these brands who haven't been giving me cold, hard cash (or kickbacks & free stuff) in return for my patronage.

So, if another computer manufacturer would like to furnish a better laptop than this rode hard, put-away-wet dinosaur, get in touch. I might even be persuaded to crossover to the Mac^® side.

If Comcast^®, BrightHouse^® or another competitor of the Dish Network^® wants in here, we're open.

Kensington^® and Logitech^® competitors?

Cingular^® on the wireless? (Oh, wait. I mean AT&T^®.) And I'll go ahead and invite Sprint^® to participate in the RFP.

MSN^®? Google^®? You want a piece?

Oh, wait. Google^® provides the blog, the email, the cool maps, the relatively reliable search results, the awesome view of my house from outer space and all kinds of other goodies - for FREE. (All with a simple, clean interface. Verdict: Exempted this month) So, MSN^®, you get first shot at the beer cozy sponsorship.

Corona^®...I guess you can stick around a while longer. One month exemption.

(Oh, yeah. Nikon^® took the picture. You have 30 days from today, otherwise Canon^® gets a shot.)

U - Shut Up

• U-verse? Whatever.
• With a service mark? Like someone wants to steal that name.
• Slippers symbolize relax? Maybe in 1960, when AT&T ruled the communications world, like they're trying to do again.
• You're talking down to me here, AT&T. Telling me what to do. Acting like you know better.
  
• Way to piss a customer off, Big Brother.
  
• Can't wait to get rid of Chingular.

For a little historical perspective, here's Stephen Colbert breaking it all down for us. (Take that, Viacom.)

All Around the World - Gotta Spread the Word

Cha-Chingular

Freelance Fred's been on the case of what will likely end up being called a "misunderstanding" between BBDO, their client Cingular and a musician named Levon Helm. Seems BBDO used one of Helm's tunes and is not paying.

That ain't right. Now, if this whole Web 2.0 social media next big thing was meant to do anything, it was meant to get things done. Right wrongs. Share ideas. Collaborate.

Spread the story and tag your entries with BBDO, Helm and Cingular. Might as well throw AT&T on there too. You know the social media strategists and brand reputation management types don't like tags with negative connotations and will work to correct. I am not familiar with Helm's work, though I know he was pretty popular in his day and his group influenced a lot of other musicians, so he likely has some cash stored away, but still, it's the principle. You think anyone would try to do that to Mick and the boys? Take their music without paying? Crusty Ol' Mick would sue them straight to Hell (where he keeps a legal residence) and they know it. Let's get Mr. Helm some money.

Disclaimer: I'm locked into a Cingular contract. This is an actual line from the contract: "...until the end of the world or until Jesus returns, whichever comes first."