Don't You Make That Indian Cry

In the past, when we had friends and family over for parties or meals or to watch a game, they'd stand in the kitchen with an empty beer bottle and look around, asking, "Do you guys recycle?" We'd say, "No, just throw it in the trash." Eventually, we learned to say, "No, we've been meaning to, and we really should, but just throw it in the trash."

Some of our relatives lived a long time in Germany, and they had adopted the insane recycling techniques of that country, where you separate your potato skins from your cabbage cores, your brown glass from your green glass from your clear glass, your clean cardboard from your printed cardboard, and so on. If you do not do this in Germany, the town's Burgermeister or Magistrate or some such official will put one of those real estate agent locks on your front door and mark off your yard in caution tape, your children become wards of the state and you are sent to do community service at the shipyards in Bremerhaven.

Another of our relatives is simply a do-gooder lefty, who went about changing all of our lightbulbs to the new florescents on a visit a year ago. He's been a crazy recycler since the invention of the 2-liter Coke bottle, and he would always seem disappointed when he stood there at the trash can, empty beer bottle in hand, asking once again, "You guys don't recycle, do you?"

At school, the kids are made to think that families that don't recycle are just like those factories in China, bellowing smoke and ash into the atmosphere and requiring that citizens walk the streets in dust masks. This form of education goes hand in hand with the other programs that tell children that people who keep wine or beer in their homes are only steps away from heroin addiction.

I finally gave in. I started recycling. And now when I find an empty water bottle or a cardboard box in the trash, I fish it out and track down the offender, demanding of them, "Do you HATE the PLANET?" They know I'm joking, but the household is having a hard time adjusting to my new Nazi Recycling Regime. And I'm having a hard time justifying it. I hear it requires an insane amount of energy and money to convert used materials into new materials, and I feel like an idiot standing at the sink trying to coax a lime wedge out of a Corona bottle so that it doesn't attract the raccoons and bears once it's in the garage along with smelly old bean cans, stinking milk jugs and not-quite-rinsed jam jars.

But hey, they made me do it.

This Year I Resolve To...

Do more for the environment ... by tossing Yellow Pages into the recycle bin as soon as they land in the driveway.

This handsome three volume set arrived on New Year's Day from Embarq, formerly Sprint, formerly who knows what else. Embarq is using a very weak campaign featuring "Dex," a nerdy know-it-all. In the radio ads, Dex surprises dumb husbands when their wives say, "Ask Dex" in response to their inane queries about dry cleaners, Chinese food or movie theatres. Dex is hiding in the cabinet, spouting out distances, hours and phone numbers.

Nevermind that Dex is hiding in the cabinet, he's a harmless geek. He's just here to help. Not sure if Embarq is doing any TV, but the campaign would be better if the men showed some sort of jealousy at finding a man living in the house, to which the ladies could respond, "He's just a friend," or "He's like a brother to me."

Free Giant Yellow Doorstop

Embarq tells you, "Don't use those inferior yellow pages." Bell South counters with, “Don’t use those wannabe crap Yellow Pages masquerading as the REAL Yellow Pages."

Now Bell South says, “Our Yellow Pages are mucho mas better than before because we’ve changed our name to the NEW AT&T REAL Yellow Pages.”

I can imagine a business owner’s confusion when the Yellow Pages reps come calling. “Which Yellow Pages are you representing?” they ask. “Oh, trust me, ma’am," offers the helpful greased weasel or perfumed hottie, "We’re the one people turn to when they need Yellow Pages.”

So, ask yourself this: When was the last time you used your own Yellow Pages, regardless of who issued them? I’ve got three giant volumes in my kitchen pantry, and I’ll bet the cover's been cracked on maybe one of them in the last year. Maybe you’re different. I just don’t see the need anymore. OK, Internet goes down at the same time you need a plumber. Maybe then.

When a new Yellow Pages lands in my driveway or on my front step, (usualy as a three-volume bag) it invariably gets walked straight into the garage and tossed into the recycle bin.

It’s been said elsewhere, but I'll say it again here just to piss off the people who work in this market: The (traditional) Yellow Pages are Dead.

Businesses, consider saving your money and spending those advertising dollars elsewhere. Unless you’re a personal injury attorney trying to get the glossy insert with the tab or the back cover glory shot of the entire firm in the wood paneled library, what's the point? If they're bundling the offer and you have to be in the book in order to be on the website, demand a discount and say you don't want to be in the book. Tell them you're doing it for the planet.