This Year I Resolve To...

Do more for the environment ... by tossing Yellow Pages into the recycle bin as soon as they land in the driveway.

This handsome three volume set arrived on New Year's Day from Embarq, formerly Sprint, formerly who knows what else. Embarq is using a very weak campaign featuring "Dex," a nerdy know-it-all. In the radio ads, Dex surprises dumb husbands when their wives say, "Ask Dex" in response to their inane queries about dry cleaners, Chinese food or movie theatres. Dex is hiding in the cabinet, spouting out distances, hours and phone numbers.

Nevermind that Dex is hiding in the cabinet, he's a harmless geek. He's just here to help. Not sure if Embarq is doing any TV, but the campaign would be better if the men showed some sort of jealousy at finding a man living in the house, to which the ladies could respond, "He's just a friend," or "He's like a brother to me."

Free Giant Yellow Doorstop

Embarq tells you, "Don't use those inferior yellow pages." Bell South counters with, “Don’t use those wannabe crap Yellow Pages masquerading as the REAL Yellow Pages."

Now Bell South says, “Our Yellow Pages are mucho mas better than before because we’ve changed our name to the NEW AT&T REAL Yellow Pages.”

I can imagine a business owner’s confusion when the Yellow Pages reps come calling. “Which Yellow Pages are you representing?” they ask. “Oh, trust me, ma’am," offers the helpful greased weasel or perfumed hottie, "We’re the one people turn to when they need Yellow Pages.”

So, ask yourself this: When was the last time you used your own Yellow Pages, regardless of who issued them? I’ve got three giant volumes in my kitchen pantry, and I’ll bet the cover's been cracked on maybe one of them in the last year. Maybe you’re different. I just don’t see the need anymore. OK, Internet goes down at the same time you need a plumber. Maybe then.

When a new Yellow Pages lands in my driveway or on my front step, (usualy as a three-volume bag) it invariably gets walked straight into the garage and tossed into the recycle bin.

It’s been said elsewhere, but I'll say it again here just to piss off the people who work in this market: The (traditional) Yellow Pages are Dead.

Businesses, consider saving your money and spending those advertising dollars elsewhere. Unless you’re a personal injury attorney trying to get the glossy insert with the tab or the back cover glory shot of the entire firm in the wood paneled library, what's the point? If they're bundling the offer and you have to be in the book in order to be on the website, demand a discount and say you don't want to be in the book. Tell them you're doing it for the planet.