You Know Who

George Parker has a few words to say about Yahoo!'s attempts to come back from the dead. Bill Green has a few as well. (Bill also weighs in on AOL's similar attempt.)

I'm probably not the fairest judge since I was an "early adopter" of Google back in the 90s. I simply liked the clean interface. It was a search engine and that's all I wanted. Now it's so much more, but it's still a great search engine. They quietly added the whole "home portal" bells and whistles with iGoogle, but you can still click on "Classic Home" to get that look that takes you back to a simple search.

AOL? How do they shake the whole "Grandma's on-ramp to the Information Superhighway" image they've dug for themselves? I know two people who use AOL, and they are on dial-up. Even the little yellow man has been co-opted by Google.

Yahoo!? Wow. Just as tough. That exclamation point was so "crazy wild" back in dotcom '96. So irreverent, so "nutty." Now? So silly. So stupid. You could make the case that the name Google is just as dumb, but it's now a verb. (Yahoo! tried to duplicate that success with their failed campaign, "Do you Yahoo!?") Go to Yahoo! now and they're begging you with pop-ups to add your favorites to the site. The page has a pleading, desperate feel, like any local newspaper's website or the countless identical sites of local TV stations. "We want to be your place to find cars, jobs, weather, news, casual hookups, horoscopes, lottery numbers, email, travel, music." They want to be your homepage, the first place you see when you fire up your machine. That's a lot to ask. Sure, Yahoo!'s Flickr is good, but other than that, I've got no reason to be there.

Yahoo! might pick off some old AOL customers, and maybe some old Yahoo! devotees will try out AOL, but most of us have decided what we like at this point, and any "rebrand" is easily detected for what it is; a desperate attempt to be relevant again. Bing? I'm not even interested. MSN was never a player in this game. "Try it! It's great!" people tell me. No. I like what I use. What's that you say? They have a cool background image that changes? Well then, since you put it that way!

Is Google a monopoly? Pretty much. But I'm not jumping to a competitor in the interest of thumbing my nose and playing the rebel. Google was the new kid long ago, and I like how they've grown. Smart moves, savvy business and a product that delivers a lot for nothing.

And rather than painstakingly creating the silly logo at top in P-shop, I just went to this easy site.

barry.obama1961@gmail.com

If you've had at least half an ear to the news lately, you've likely heard that some evil Democrat Children pulled a page from the stinking Republican playbook and VIOLATED THE SANCTITY of Her Holiness Sister Sarah's Yahoo! account and published some very uninteresting crap. So The Onion, where I want to work someday, did us one better.

Inside Obama's emails

via American in Berlin Rachel Doyle.

Is Yoohoo Really Worth $44 Billion?

Does anyone even drink this stuff anymore?

What?

Yahoo?

Oh.

Well, does anyone even use that search engine anymore?

Face It: There are Too Many Social Options

Got this auto IM this morning from Facebook. I was apparently invited to join by a colleague.

I'm on MySpace in two places. I'm on LinkedIn. I've got Skype. I signed up for Twitter, but in order to put it on this blog I'd have to change my template, which would be a pain given all the mods I made to this template. I'm on AdGabber, a service of Ning. I've got 4 separate screennames on AIM. I get email on Google, Yahoo!, my local provider at home and two different work accounts. I also have dormant accounts at LiveJournal, GarageBand, PureVolume and a few more. I'm signed on to a few forums and stay updated on too many blogs. I just don't want to keep track of one more social media hotspot. I don't care what you're doing 24/7. Nor should you care what I'm doing.

Can we leave some places for the high school & college kids? Must we invade every place and turn it into another noisy midway of carnival barkers, driving the kids elsewhere again? Aren't you guys connected enough? I think some of you would die if you unplugged.

(And I will never play in Second Life. My first life is busy enough.)

Man Searches for Xena Porn with Success

CP+B have to work for Ask.com, the struggling search engine in a very distant 5th place to Google, Yahoo, MSN and AOL, just ahead of the "other" category. In typical CP+B fashion, they do the work big, weird, and self-aware, reaching for the porn image searcher market (the man searches for "chicks with swords") in this over-the-top, grandiose Broadway Spectacular.

Keep doing show tunes and you're gonna stay in 5th, Ask. Might wanna bring back Jeeves soon.

Watch at your own risk.



Note to anonymous commenter (whose comment was deleted) who wrote, "Not sure how women wearing clothes while holding swords is equivalent to porn...I guess some people have nothing better to do then be strangely offended by nothing at all."

No one is offended by the "porn," which is merely suggested and not actual. (Do I need to tell you what a "sword" is? Here you go. See also the Wayne's World entry on Wikipedia. Look for the word "Schwing!") The "offense" is the spot itself. I just happen to hate musicals. I also hate commercials that rely on giant productions to sell services no one uses. Sorry. And I'll bet you worked on the spot or you work at Ask.com. Please read the disclaimer at the bottom of this blog.

I'd Rather Go Barefoot - In the Snow

Zappos, the overpriced online shoe retailer, is trying very desperately to make us all think of Zappos as a verb. It's not working.

A brand name becomes a verb on its own. When you force it on us, we reject it. And it has only happened naturally twice that I can think of: Xerox and Google. Maybe FedEx gets credit in this category to a degree. Yahoo! tried (and failed) when it asked us, "Do You Yahoo!?" Nevermind that the question ends with an exclamation point and a question mark, it's a stupid question. (Interesting note: the Zappos logo includes a footprint that doubles as an exclamation point. Wow. Original.)

So here comes Zappos with the most annoying, pandering to every demo out there campaign. I've seen the old lady ad, the executive high roller ad and others, all telling us how they "zappos." Here's the dumbest in the bunch. Idiot stoner college punk who looks blearily into the camera and asks "Why go to class?" I can hear the chortles between the bong hits. He's so cool with his not-very-long hair matted into pretend dreadlocks. (And as James H points out in the comments, he's filthy.) This is the kid who needs Alec Baldwin for a father, someone to "fly out there next week and straighten your ass out, you rude thoughtless pig." Nothing against stupid college stoner punks, but I prefer stupid college stoner punks who still go to class, rather than sit in the dorm room spending Mom and Dad's money shopping online for overpriced shoes. Can you say "Backfire," Zappos? That's a verb. I'd like to find ONE person who bought shoes at Zappos because of this ad. "Dude, I wonder if they have hemp Vans?"

• Free shipping both ways (Translation: we handle TONS of returns)
• Piece o' cake return policy (Translation: we handle tons of returns AND we are so hip because we said "piece O' cake")
• "Massive selection" huh? Straight out of your early 80's surf lexicon?

I think I've just decided never to shop at Zappos. I was in need of some Chuck Taylors, but now I'm going to the mall where I can actually try them on first.

Your Whole Life is a Sponsored Moment™

I was sitting at the Jetpacks Mobile WorkStation^™ when I noticed a bunch of logos staring back at me. And so, this blog post was brought to you by Yahoo!^®, Corona^®, Dell^®, Logitech^® peripherals, the Dish Network^®, Verizon^® Wireless Broadband and Kensington^® peripherals. (And Blogger^®, by Google^®.)

And none of them have paid me yet.

I guess I use them because they're good, or maybe I perceived them as quality goods and services at affordable prices when I engaged them in business, but how do I know that's true if I don't try the others? Like a fickle client leaving a decent, performing agency for another, I'm willing to ditch these brands who haven't been giving me cold, hard cash (or kickbacks & free stuff) in return for my patronage.

So, if another computer manufacturer would like to furnish a better laptop than this rode hard, put-away-wet dinosaur, get in touch. I might even be persuaded to crossover to the Mac^® side.

If Comcast^®, BrightHouse^® or another competitor of the Dish Network^® wants in here, we're open.

Kensington^® and Logitech^® competitors?

Cingular^® on the wireless? (Oh, wait. I mean AT&T^®.) And I'll go ahead and invite Sprint^® to participate in the RFP.

MSN^®? Google^®? You want a piece?

Oh, wait. Google^® provides the blog, the email, the cool maps, the relatively reliable search results, the awesome view of my house from outer space and all kinds of other goodies - for FREE. (All with a simple, clean interface. Verdict: Exempted this month) So, MSN^®, you get first shot at the beer cozy sponsorship.

Corona^®...I guess you can stick around a while longer. One month exemption.

(Oh, yeah. Nikon^® took the picture. You have 30 days from today, otherwise Canon^® gets a shot.)

Socially Speaking

Found at Tshirthell