The Susan Boyle of Voiceover

By now you know of the heartwarming story of Ted Williams, the Columbus, Ohio homeless man who became an overnight sensation and is now not only no longer homeless, but also the voice of the Cleveland Cavaliers, NFL Films, NASA, FoxNews, Microsoft, the Playboy Channel and the Pentagon. Maybe some of those aren't true, but Mr. Williams has indeed turned his shit around. I, like everyone else, think this is great. But I can't help thinking that the only reason Mr. Williams is a huge sensation is because no one expected a voice like that to come out of a homeless dude standing on an off-ramp of an Ohio highway. A thousand dudes have the ability to do the (in Williams' words) "old school" VO. Just like Susan Boyle. Thousands of women can sing like Susan Boyle, you just don't expect a voice like Ms. Boyle's to come from a homely woman with a mustache.

And now Ted Williams has been made the voice of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese by CP+B, one more entity looking to make the most out of Williams' unfortunate/fortunate situation. I have to hand it to Ted. I was homeless once. And I've done professional voiceover work. But I never had the ingenuity to put the two together and turn my life around in a moment. I hope you all remember him when you're putting your Top Ten Awesome and Inspiring Stories from 2011 together in December.

So now, in the spirit of the moment, I have created a fake radio ad for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in the old school voiceover style that everyone is now so in love with again. I don't have Williams' depth and resonance, but I figure a few more cartons of cigarettes and I'm on my way.



CP+B: call me.

Extreme Packaging Won't Mask The Lack of Salt and Sugar

Everyone and their grandma has already blogged about "the genius" behind CP+B's new packaging for baby carrots, and now here's their commercial for the same.



It's so tongue-in-cheek it could be an SNL skit. Clever. Funny. So ironic as to have taken irony to a new ironic dimension.

Will it sell baby carrots? I doubt it.

Your Claims of "Viral" Are Falling on Deaf Eyes

I won't even give this video the benefit of an embedded view because the execution behind the attempt is so transparent. Not that the idea is so awful. Guy finds image of Burger King on his Big Mac bun. Cute.

It is introduced to me in an email that has all the markings of blog spam: "Hey, longtime fan of your blog and thought you might be interested in this. I keep seeing this video in a bunch of places and wondered what you thought. Funny stuff."

Whether or not BK is ultimately behind this doesn't even bother me. I doubt they are and this is probably someone's attempt to get some viral cred that they can put on their reel as they knock on doors to try to find a job.  "We did this hilarious thing for BK that just blew up on YouTube!"

This one, like most of them, has the forced acting by amatuers who happened to have their cameras out as they were eating lunch at McDonald's. It is uploaded by a guy who, SURPRISE, has only ever uploaded one video - and it's this one. If my YouTube user name is jakeskatesf, I will likely have at least a few vids of myself skating, or doing bong hits, or hanging out at the beach, especially if I'm the kind of guy whose camera is so a part of me that I have it out while at lunch with my friends. And the people who think Jake's video is awesome, their profiles have ZERO uploads. These are what's known in the business as "fake plants pretending to like your faked stupid video." One of them comments on Jake's video that "Damn dude! This BK thing is blowin' up!" Uh, not really.

Good viral happens, it isn't seeded or trying to be "authentic." You can't PR your way to success through fake email accounts with "check this funny thing out I found" messages. And what really ticks most of us off are the lengths you will go to to make it seem as though you are just some Joe or Jake who made a video, creating fake profiles and seeding comments. At least have another couple videos on your channel to hide the fact that you created the channel for the sole purpose of promoting your little stunt that you hope gets noticed by CP+B.

Or just be honest and put it on your real channel with the explanation, "I need a job and so I did this thing to get noticed by someone." That would be far more digestible than what you're up to now.

Sweat Shop

Mucho Massive

Original image from Shorpy.

VW Won't Be Happy With Any Agency

In a cleverly crafted statement, Tim Ellis, VW's VP of Marketing, said,

"We are re-evaluating all areas of our business, and after careful considerations have decided to take the necessary steps to ensure we have the right agency partner in place."

In a nice gesture, the current agency was invited to defend their position. They politely said, "Um. Thanks. But fuck off."

What a tough gig for any agency, honestly. You will have a very lofty goal to meet, in that

"Volkswagen has embarked on a mission to significantly grow our business here in this market. Our goal of rapidly increasing our volume in a mature market requires the Volkswagen brand to evolve into a more relevant mainstream choice."

I like what CP+B did with VW. The talking old Beetle with the German accent was cute. The tag "Get Your Autobahn On" was inventive. And for my money, the "Un-pimp Your Ride" spots were awesome. You can't go wrong with the evil, eye-transplant doctor from "Minority Report" and a sexy assistant.

Now, feast your eyes on this image for a few seconds and then, stay with me.


I'm guessing CP+B's very noble attempts didn't sell Volkswagens. Not even Brooke Shields' ridiculous efforts to move the "Routan" helped. (What is it with these VW names?)

Gone are the days when VW had pricing on its side. VW no longer lives up to its brand's very translation: "The People's Car." It's now an overpriced near luxury line. If they want to be a "relevant mainstream choice," they're going to have to build another people's car. And I'm not talking about that re-issue of the Beetle. Bring back the real Beetle, with super-competitive pricing. (They were still making them as late as 2003 in Mexico, so all the tools are in place.)

Volkswagen is a far cry from, and secretly envy of, (in a German way) BMW, Porsche and Mercedes, who together fom the Holy Saxon Trinity of Awesome Bavarian Machinery. "The Three" have ruled the Austrian, Stuttgart-region's, Hyper-Engineered, Super-Deluxe, Custom-Luxury market since the end of the War to End All Wars. To the "Big Three of Germany," VW is a child; Hitler's failed experiment in Nationalistic Socialistic Capitalistic Materialistic Industrialistic Carmakerism. (Volkwagen's prettier step-sister, Audi, shares 4th billing.)

So, short of the Beetle. maybe VW re-issues the eternally cool van (some would call it a "bus") with Safari Windows^TM, pictured above. Or maybe, VW, you can get your much-revered "German Engineering^TM" reputation busy crafting an affordable electric vehicle.

"German" was about all CP+B could come up with. So, maybe VW should continue in that vein and live up to the hype. Kick The Big Three at their game, yo.

(And for the love of Phaëton, son of Helios, stop with the retarded naming tradition!)

Cute isn't going to fix VW. Neither will sexy. Whatever agency wins this account will be trying to defend it in two years, after Tim Ellis has been sacked and the new VP of Marketing is charged with the impossible task of "evolving the brand into a more relevant mainstream choice."

In other words: "VW needs to remake itself." And they do that by going all the way back to their ugly roots: a people's car.

I'm just telling you what most agencies won't, VW. If any of this resonates with you, consider this my pitch. I'll find an art director in short order. We'll redo how it's done.

Work with me here, People's Car.


The above ideas are copyrighted, henceforth, from this day, in the Year of Our Lord, Two Thousand and Nine, and are therefore safe from theft or misapropriation by the VW People or Their Lawyers.

Marked herein by the timestamp of Google. Forever and ever and ever in digital eternity. Amen.

Giving a Literal Meaning to the Term "Meat Market"

"Who's that sweaty guy who smells like a flame-broiled burger?"

or "Is that a Whopper in your pants, or are you just a stinky idiot."

I know CP+B is behind this new meat-scented body spray somehow. Here's the story from the Telegraph. Here's the site from BK.

Genius and retarded all at once. I'll bet it sells well this season, if for no other reason than as a gag gift.

Who's Naming Cars Over at VW?

This is pretty funny stuff, featuring the perfect comic timing of Andre Agassi's ex-wife and Tom Cruise nemesis Brooke Shields, though it's quite a long way to go to tell the story of a minivan.

And "Routan"? That is almost as bad as "Touareg," which I've never known how to pronounce. Seems the volks at VW would be adept at naming celebrity babies.

Man Searches for Xena Porn with Success

CP+B have to work for Ask.com, the struggling search engine in a very distant 5th place to Google, Yahoo, MSN and AOL, just ahead of the "other" category. In typical CP+B fashion, they do the work big, weird, and self-aware, reaching for the porn image searcher market (the man searches for "chicks with swords") in this over-the-top, grandiose Broadway Spectacular.

Keep doing show tunes and you're gonna stay in 5th, Ask. Might wanna bring back Jeeves soon.

Watch at your own risk.



Note to anonymous commenter (whose comment was deleted) who wrote, "Not sure how women wearing clothes while holding swords is equivalent to porn...I guess some people have nothing better to do then be strangely offended by nothing at all."

No one is offended by the "porn," which is merely suggested and not actual. (Do I need to tell you what a "sword" is? Here you go. See also the Wayne's World entry on Wikipedia. Look for the word "Schwing!") The "offense" is the spot itself. I just happen to hate musicals. I also hate commercials that rely on giant productions to sell services no one uses. Sorry. And I'll bet you worked on the spot or you work at Ask.com. Please read the disclaimer at the bottom of this blog.