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What the Disinguished Rapists and Pillagers are Wearing

Back in 1949, a company called SWANK was marketing these roguish tie tacks called "Magic Blades." A man could choose from the Cutlass, the Sabre, the Dagger and the Scimitar models. "Men prefer SWANK" was the company's innovative slogan, but the underlying message, was, of course, "You're a fucking PIRATE and the chicks are gonna throw themselves at you and beg to be ravaged!"

If SWANK was making these things today, they wouldn't need to be so classy, nor would they need the stupid name Magic Blades. Just take a page from the Pirate Marketing handbook and tell it like it is.

Previously in You're a ROGUE! a RAKE! A swashbuckling MAN OF ACTION:

Orgy Cologne
Swordsman™, by Jetpacks
Seafaring Loser a Winner with the Ladies
Caress the King and Kiss the Bishop
Axe Body Spray Causes Contact Orgasms
TIME's Stupid Attempt to Be Pirate Funny Flops
Themed Disney Cruise: Chicks Dig Pirates

Swan Dive! (Into the Best Night of Your Life)

Bill says, "I’m not sure if the formula where you plug different scenarios in is going to get old too fast." Well, it might, but not yet, as this brilliant production proves.

What I love about how Old Spice is treating the tired old "Guys get laid when they wear this" formula is that they're doing it completely and unashamedly tongue-in-cheek, without showing a guy involved in a random threesome, a la Axe Body Wash. Just a smug and super-confident lady's man who could easily be an SNL character.

It's Axe for the Vampire Set

No matter the fragrance for men, the goal is to show how it turns the wearer into an irresistible sex god. In this case, Yves Saint Laurent eschews the time-tested "Frat Boy Gets Mauled by Trio of Beauties" template and aspires to the more nuanced "Vampire Threesome" model. And at 43 bucks for 1.3 oz., this stuff is out of Axe Boy's league. And Axe Boy doesn't speak French. Neither do I, but the name translates as "The Night of the Man." So all you dudes who have "Twilight" loving women, guess what you get this Season?

To drive home the mystery, some copy was "crafted," and instead of the Axe-styled message that says basically, "Spray it on, get laid," the YSL writers say,

The new fragrance for men by Yves Saint Laurent is a story of seduction, intensity and bold sensuality. A structure of contrasting forces. A seduction that lies half-way between restraint and abandon. Bright, masculine freshness combines with sophistication and nonchalance for a deep, mysterious and sensual fragrance.

So in other words, "Spray it on, get laid," in a mature, vampire-fantasy way.

For more on marketing stinky stuff to stupid dudes, see here.

Giving a Literal Meaning to the Term "Meat Market"

"Who's that sweaty guy who smells like a flame-broiled burger?"

or "Is that a Whopper in your pants, or are you just a stinky idiot."

I know CP+B is behind this new meat-scented body spray somehow. Here's the story from the Telegraph. Here's the site from BK.

Genius and retarded all at once. I'll bet it sells well this season, if for no other reason than as a gag gift.

This Guy Gets Easier to Hate Every Day

Maybe I just hate dynasties. Maybe I like my heroes a little more tarnished. If Brady got busted operating a dog fighting ring, I'd probably respect him more. As it is, every time the camera is on him, he's got the self-conscious look of someone who knows the camera is on him.

Orgy Cologne

Click for better view.

And the gift from the gods was carried into the city walls on a large cart, pulled by three score men. Before it had reached its designated place, the men of the city had tapped its contents and were seen pouring it upon themselves liberally, splashing it upon their faces.

Perhaps it was the green glint of the bottle, many wondered afterward, that had caused the women of the city to discard their clothing, somehow spellbound by a strange trick of light.

But those who had witnessed and partaken of the orgies that ensued knew differently. It was the perfume of Bacchus which had worked upon the women so strangely, many of them joining together to ravage a single man.

And Bacchus smiled from on high, saying, "I shall send the men of earth more of the heavenly aromas, for I see that it makes them pleased. And I will call it by the names Axe, Tag, Lynx and Old Spice. And its effect shall be thus; that the women of earth shall ravage them."

And so it was.

Image via.

Cut To The Chase

I've had it with all these male body spray / cologne ads that have for years suggested a little dab results in hot action. (See previous post.)

So I'm offering to sell a new line of body spray to any manufacturer willing to quit with the barely veiled innuendo and just tell it like it is. (Or rather, like they suggest it is.) Right up front, the name of the product will hold the promise that the wearer should ready himself for spontaneous stripping by hordes of beautiful women, who will beat one another for the honor of a moment of passion with him. We will, of course, as all the other colognes do, suggest that the women can stop bickering and simply share him, two or three at a time.

We'll worry about the actual fragrance later. Branding and Packaging always come first. With this name alone, we will make a serious impact on the body spray market.

The pirate image is guaranteed marketing gold. Chicks dig pirates, and boys buying this (or getting their moms to buy it for them) will fancy themselves dashing and dangerous rogues.

We'll make a killing.

I'm serious.

"Special" Pleasure (wink, wink)

There's a conversation going on over at Chimp Media Monitoring following the Chimp Messiah's discovery of a great TV ad for Lynx body spray.

George Parker wonders, "Wouldn't it be great if someone could actually come up with a cologne concept that wasn't... "Spray this on, get laid?""

That would be great, but it will never happen. That is the only angle ever used by men's fragrances. Witness this ad for Old Spice, circa 1958. Tame, but the insinuation is obvious: Tad and Muffy are going to be getting and giving some special pleasure as a result of smelling nice.

Chimp says, "The target market for Lynx is the adolescent who is only interested in navigating his pork boat into the first available port." Absolutely true. Those who are desperately (and unsuccessfully) looking to get laid are the targets for men's fragrances. It used to be frat boys and young professionals like the man pictured here. Now, the target goes much lower, to middle school boys who take way too long in the bathroom. They used to whisper to the guys, "Hey, fella, your girlfriend might let you get to 2nd base tonight." Now they tell them, "Dude, you're gonna be in a four-way with that chick, her roommate and her cousin. And if her Mom busts you, she's gonna want in on some of what you're packin'."

The only other change from the old cologne marketing is that men were once encouraged to splash a bit on their faces. A bottle of Old Spice could last months, years even. Not good for sales. So now they call them "body sprays." Translation: use it liberally and then buy another can.