What the Disinguished Rapists and Pillagers are Wearing

Back in 1949, a company called SWANK was marketing these roguish tie tacks called "Magic Blades." A man could choose from the Cutlass, the Sabre, the Dagger and the Scimitar models. "Men prefer SWANK" was the company's innovative slogan, but the underlying message, was, of course, "You're a fucking PIRATE and the chicks are gonna throw themselves at you and beg to be ravaged!"

If SWANK was making these things today, they wouldn't need to be so classy, nor would they need the stupid name Magic Blades. Just take a page from the Pirate Marketing handbook and tell it like it is.

Previously in You're a ROGUE! a RAKE! A swashbuckling MAN OF ACTION:

Orgy Cologne
Swordsman™, by Jetpacks
Seafaring Loser a Winner with the Ladies
Caress the King and Kiss the Bishop
Axe Body Spray Causes Contact Orgasms
TIME's Stupid Attempt to Be Pirate Funny Flops
Themed Disney Cruise: Chicks Dig Pirates

Put Your Ass in The Air Like You Just Don't Care

Reminiscent of the Casare Paciotti ad from a few years back, we have a passed out woman, martini glass on the floor, face down on a white leather couch in a short dress. She is but the next local model in a series of ads for Scan Design, a trendy Florida furniture store known for provocative, odd ads.

She is in love with her couch. Why is that so wrong? So she's a potential victim of date-rape by her lusty couch. Why is THAT so wrong? She is in love, and the couch knows it can have its way with her, because it respects her in the morning.

Scan Design excuse themselves in the copy of this ad, explaining that the idea came from a painter who was simply trying to win their competition, the theme of which was "Fall in Furniture Love." The painting is the template for this ad. It's an ad within an ad. So clever.  Rustin Robinson painted a woman passed out face down on her knees, bent over a couch with her ass in the air. And he won. (Click image for the big.)

Sex it Up with Fragoli

From the people who brought us the image of a naked woman biting a bottle of liquor, comes more in the Super Subtle Style of advertising.

In our first ad, five young ladies are enjoying each other's company in a very innocent, friendly way.

Five out of five brunettes of varying nationalities agree, Fragoli turns your ordinary party into a sapphic lust fest.

And then, apparently the new signature image of Fragoli is this one. Why, it's a nude woman in repose, with giant lips on her back, which I'm guessing invite the viewer to kiss her butt crack and spine. See how the gently parting lips become her butt crack? Isn't that clever?

Kiss my ass. Classy.

So dangerous, aren't they? Something tells me Fragoli might be holding onto a couple more images that they've classified as "Banned!" that they plan to leak later.

But you and I can sit back and mock this poor taste, perhaps favoring a more hinted scenario that would still reveal unmistakable sensuality, but this stuff is apparently working for Fragoli, who can afford two full-page ads in Sunday's New York Times Magazine.

Futureman Reveals The Secret to Success

Enhance the length and girth

Does Not Compute

Why, it's a beautiful young model in a low top and tight jeans, sprawled on a wood floor, advertising...something.

Lather, Rinse, Get Laid

Bigmaker

Brazilian Bikini Wax For Sixty-Nine

Spirit Airlines, those innocent people who brought us the MILF promo a while back, are at it again in what they will claim has nothing to do with anything and everyone should just keep their dirty minds out of the gutter.

In this Flash animation on their homepage, a $469 fare (on a woman's stomach, no less) has the "4" waxed off to reveal a 69¢ fare.

Clever...I think...or not. I don't know. Just bizarre. And attention getting. See it here for as long as it lasts.

Long-Legged Lady in Glittery Gold Get-up Corrals Cow Couch

A Florida furniture store I have never been to nor shopped at is featuring this ad in print and outdoor this month. And on their website is this interesting image, not that they're trying to point you toward the woman's crotch or anything. Just a nice table.

Previously:
Furniture Ad Stimulates Lingerie Sales

Furniture Ad Stimulates Lingerie Sales

ScanDesign, a trendy furniture company with stores throughout Florida, does some passable advertising. But I'm a little perplexed by what appears to be a very unoriginal idea in this current campaign, seen here as it appears on their website, and catching my eye this morning in the form of an outdoor digital board on Interstate 4.

Hmmm. Lingerie-clad angels. Why does that seem familiar? And just in time for Valentine's Day.

Yes, I know "there is nothing new under the sun," and there are very few "original" ideas left in this world oversaturated with advertising, but come on - this one seems blatant.

That's Just Wrong

But it would sell...

No.14 in the series "Where's My Jetpack?"

The Bottom Line

It's no secret: sex sells. And this poor AD is simply trying to help the client achieve the goal of all advertising: sales.

Another cheap clipart comic, and we're calling it "Where's my Jetpack?"







See more here.

A Firmer, Longer Car Pleases the Ladies

There's no way she isn't talking her husband into this purchase. There's an extra four inches, and it has her moaning. I know people were a little more naive back then, but surely this wasn't lost on a whole bunch of people, including the creators of the ad.

Still Selling Romance - Only Weirder

Rosetta Stone, the "learn a new language really fast" software, has long relied on the stock image of a Swedish/French/German/Something woman who gazes into the camera, enticing world travelers to get to know her better by mangling her native language, whatever that might be. (She's still the homepage image on their site.)


In today's NYT was this new angle, featuring a homely farmboy getting ready to meet an Italian supermodel. Implausible? Yes. Funny? Yes. Effective? We'll see.