Guinness Denounced the Ad, Embraces the Notoriety

I saw a Guinness ad during a football game and went looking for it on YouTube and on the Guinness site. Couldn't find it. Nicely shot close-up from an in-the-glass perspective of beer being poured, but with a lame and taunting tagline that said something to the effect of "Maybe it's not for you." You're right, Guinness. It's not for me. And your attempt to make me feel like I'm not worthy of your beer didn't work. You're not the Marines. You're a thick beer. If I want to feel as though I've ingested a loaf of dark bread I'll just toss some pumpernickel in a blender with a couple shots of whiskey and get the same effect. But in my searching for this ad I think I may have uncovered a little bit of "wink-wink, we're so naughty" on the part of Guinness.

You may remember a couple years ago when some director released what he called a "banned Guinness ad." It was a spec piece, hoping to catch the attention of the Irish brew maker. It was during those naïve days of the late summer of '08, when the words "banned commercial" on your upload were a sure ticket to viral success, back before people realized there was no such thing as a banned commercial. It caught plenty of attention, but mostly from angry people who objected to the objectification of women. In the ad, a woman is used as a human coaster, her body gently rocking back and forth. We see only her mid-section while three separate hands reach for the bottle, presumably take a swig, then return it to her undulating form, the bottle staying balanced in the small of her back. Clearly she's supposed to be in the throes of a four-way, though she appears lifeless and limp.* Guinness and its agency were very quick to denounce the ad, saying,

Guinness is in no way associated with this video, and approached YouTube to have it removed. We are proud of our brands, and our commitment to responsible marketing, and this is not how we want our brand portrayed.

Fine. Nice job. Appropriate PR move. Nevermind that the ad is back on YouTube, with 1.5 million views this time around.

Also, nevermind that for sale at the Guinness store for $25 is the CD, "Music From the TV Ads." The cover art, with its pronounced line of beauty S-shape, bears a striking resemblance to the shape prominently featured in the "banned" spot.

I'm sure Guinness will claim this is merely the top of the harp that serves as their logo.

* Which reminds me of a joke. Use your mouse to highlight the invisible text below.

What's the difference between spaghetti and a sorority girl?

Spaghetti moves when you eat it. 

A Picture. A Thousand Words.

Having just completed a freelance assignment wherein I had to edit and organize a 24-page brochure, (I overestimated my time at 12 hours and delivered in a mere four, once again failing to master the subtle art of milking a job) I am now in need of a writing exercise. So I will write exactly 1000 words about the image found within the text below.


Back in the old days, there was apparently some sort of union of beer makers that promoted the general consumption of beer - any American beer - so long as you drank beer. Their true and main purpose was lobbying. They kept pressure on Congress to limit the taxation of beer. Like any good lobbying organization, they kept their constituency riled up for the fight. “Beer is your right. It is your God-given inheritance as a freeman of these great United States. You should enjoy it in health, just as Benjamin Franklin and Samuel Adams did.” (Historical note: It is said that none other than George Washington would ply voters with “strong beer.”)

The Association would place full-page ads in popular periodicals showing how much better life is when you have plenty of beer on hand. The organization operated much like the American Dairy Association, which doesn’t care what brand of milk you drink, just please support the dairy industry. The brewers were a cooperative lot in those days. During World War I, “the income tax replaced liquor taxes as the primary source of federal revenue,” and after promoting their beverage for over a hundred years - with a brief intermission during Prohibition - the Association disbanded in 1986. So apparently we can thank the lobbying efforts of this organization for limiting taxes on beer, but giving the government nowhere else to turn but to your income for money. That thought saddens me, making me want to drink a lot of beer right now.

This ad from the Association, apparently from the 1950s, gives us a whole lot to look at, with plenty of suggestions as to what is transpiring during this magical afternoon in a suburban garden that has been interrupted by a sudden spring shower. Like many great illustrations of that period, it tells a story, making you look deeper, inviting you to draw your own conclusions and assign your own roles to the players.

1) “Let’s just sit awhile.” The copy suggests that the beer said that. I doubt it. One of these two middle-aged planters uttered that phrase as the rain came down.

2) The “blocks of primary colors” style of décor, popular in the day, suggests that whoever lives here, likely the woman, is a person of taste, up with the times, her off-the-patio gardening room a pre-Ikea shrine to fastidious organization.

3) The illustrator has added what appear to be some cryptic writing and a drawing above the hanging yard implements in the gardening room. This is probably a hidden message known only to him and the copywriter. (I say “him” only because men dominated the field in those days.)

4) This last block of copy is awesome, making no bones about its call to action: “Wouldn’t you like a refreshing glass of beer or ale – say, right now?” Stop what you’re doing and go get some beer!

5) It was no oversight on the part of the artist not to include a wedding band on the woman. This is meant to intrigue you, leaving you to wonder why a woman of her age is not married. Divorced? Widowed? A professional who hasn’t wanted to “settle down” yet, despite all her sorority sisters having done so a decade and a half ago? You make your own story.

6) It has been raining long enough that the wheelbarrow is overflowing with water. Either this little party has been going on for some time or this is a freak storm that the couple isn’t really freaking out about.

7) Jim, or Ted, or Mike or Jack - some generic Anglo name of the day – is making it clear that he’s had a tough day and this beer is really what he needed, and perhaps a shoulder rub, if the lady would be so kind as to please take the hint.

8) Again, we are promoting any beer – green bottle, brown bottle, labels facing away from us – doesn’t matter, just drink any American beer. The lady keeps plenty of varieties on hand for occasions such as this.

9) I am not positive, but a tight zoom-in on the man’s wristwatch seems to indicate that the little hand is on the 12, big hand about 10 past. As long as it’s after noon, it’s beer time. Quit thinking of 5:00 PM as the time to drink. That was meant for wine and spirits. We’re talking beer here. Besides, this is probably Saturday or Sunday and you can have beer for breakfast on those days.

10) Again, the couple has been out here for some time, the cheese starting to curl and brown in the heat. They are too involved in this beer-drinking respite to have even bothered eating the cheese and crackers.

11) Sanitation be damned. These folks are in a party mood. They will throw caution to the wind and lay their dirty implements and gloves on the table with the cheese and crackers. They will also likely forgo the use of birth control later.

12) In order to be able to read the copy, the illustrator was asked not to color in the feet and the area under the table. Today they would just dial back the opacity or desaturate this section of the photograph, but this style shows you the art behind the work and was a trendy technique used by many illustrators of the period.

13) The drinking couple are getting flirtatious, her foot under his chair. And while we can’t see his left foot, it would appear from here that it is under her right knee, likely touching. Beer helps subordinate the inhibitions, the social lubricant that can turn an afternoon of gardening into a rainy-day romp in the sheets.

14) “America’s Beverage of Moderation” was how they used to say “Drink Responsibly.” I like their version better because it’s far more subtle and undemanding.

15) A nice little panel shows the American beer drinker that the brewers would prefer that you enjoy a foamy head on your beer. “Tastes even better that way!” Don’t tilt the glass.

(Word count: 1000)

To Photocopiers!

Last week's Mad Men ended with the office Christmas Party, but they forgot one thing. Original image found at a Flickr stream I will be frequenting. (Click for larger)

I'm On a Horse... Playing Jai Alai in the Himalayas

Click it, won't you?

¿Cómo te Llamas?

I was pleased to find this Flickr set of Bernie Fuchs illustrations. I have learned that Mr. Fuchs was a big deal in the golden era of advertising, when "graphic artist" actually meant "artist." His paintings always evoke the good life that advertising of the 50s and 60s promised, when the swarthy folks were either musicians serenading vacationers or bartenders mixing the classy people another round of drinks.

I don't suppose Bernie was mad at the world because he wasn't being shown in galleries, and was instead on the pages of every magazine in his day. This one was for Gallo Sherry. (Yes, I know, weird. People used to drink sherry.) I have "repurposed" it for my own amusement.

Blow it up

Sex it Up with Fragoli

From the people who brought us the image of a naked woman biting a bottle of liquor, comes more in the Super Subtle Style of advertising.

In our first ad, five young ladies are enjoying each other's company in a very innocent, friendly way.

Five out of five brunettes of varying nationalities agree, Fragoli turns your ordinary party into a sapphic lust fest.

And then, apparently the new signature image of Fragoli is this one. Why, it's a nude woman in repose, with giant lips on her back, which I'm guessing invite the viewer to kiss her butt crack and spine. See how the gently parting lips become her butt crack? Isn't that clever?

Kiss my ass. Classy.

So dangerous, aren't they? Something tells me Fragoli might be holding onto a couple more images that they've classified as "Banned!" that they plan to leak later.

But you and I can sit back and mock this poor taste, perhaps favoring a more hinted scenario that would still reveal unmistakable sensuality, but this stuff is apparently working for Fragoli, who can afford two full-page ads in Sunday's New York Times Magazine.

Serve Cold. Drink Fast.

"Your Majesty! The people have no wine!"

"Let them drink Ripple."

From the vault they call YouTube. If you search it, it will come up.

Ripple, from Gallo, long regarded as the cheap wine for...winos, was once "the new drink for lively people." Marie Antoinette is winking at you in this old spot that follows the classic Mad Men era format of sickening jingle followed by zealous announcer.

"Twice the pleasure" is copywriter language for "a quick buzz."

Very Nice©

Hard not to like this spot for Bacardi. Everything is on; music, concept, production, casting. Music is by Matt and Kim.



Well, everything except the Standard Jim voiceover at the end.

Watch Matt and Kim strip in Times Square in one of those "Lets get naked for publicity" stunts that music acts have been doing since forever.

Found at Sullivan.

Good Customer Service is Just an Email Away

The Germans are proud of their beer. The world is proud of Germany’s beer. The gods of wine and beer are proud of Germany’s beer. And many little towns across Germany have their own breweries. The smallest, most dilapidated brewery in Germany could still make a better beer than any giant beer corporation in the U.S. The Germans were making beer long before Columbus was even born, and long before he had ever approached Ferdinand and Isabella about the possibility of sailing west. The King and Queen probably sent Columbus off with his ships' holds full of German beer. At Columbus' farewell party, it is rumored that the following conversation was overheard.

“Ahhh, those Germans. Their beer is good, yes my queen?”

“The best, Ferdinand. The best. Ahhh…there he is, the guest of honour. Chris! Come here, I bid you.”

“Your Grace,” he bowed, “I must declare again how deeply indebted I am to the mercy and benevolence of your Worship, to that of the King as well, for bestowing upon me the great honour of sailing on this journey for the noble and righteous flag of Spain.”

“Right." Isabella was tipsy and not in the mood for Chris' sycophantic groveling. She held up a brown bottle. "Chris, do they have beer like this in Italy?”

“No, Your Highness. The Germans have a way.”

“Very well then, you shall have a case of German beer aboard all of your ships for the merriment of your officers and crew.”

“Your charity is most highly treasured by me, your humble servant. Can we make it a couple of cases, Your Majesty?”

Many years ago, in that faraway land, I had the fortune of being able to drink beer at the age of 14. Some may consider that a misfortune, but in a country where they give babies beer, it was no big thing. All of us underage Americans drank beer, and to misquote the Most Interesting Man in The World, "We didn't always drink beer, but when we did, we preferred Licher." (Licher's not-so-cool slogan, "From the heart of nature" is weak, but they've stuck with it for decades, which says something for consistency, I suppose.)

I've trolled the beer forums and found countless people pining for this brand, to include soldiers who were stationed in the region where Licher is made as far back as the early 60s. They leave comments like "Why isn't this beer in the US???? The best beer in the world and it's not in the US. Wish I can get some now," and similar whining. A few have found a bottle or two in New Jersey, but only of the wheat variety. Others had said, "No use contacting them on their website, they don't respond." I thought I should test that assertion.

So I went to Licher's website and found the "Kontakt" form and sent them a kind note, suggesting that they might make millions of dollars in the US beer market. The rumors that Licher does not respond to web inquiries are false, or maybe you just have to know how to kiss ass. I peppered my query with words like, "Surely you are aware of the popularity of your beer here in America," and "People are upset that they cannot obtain this world class beer here," and I told them they might be missing out on monstrous monetizing opportunities. That was sent last Thursday. Today in my inbox I have a reply.

Dear Dave,

Thank you very much for your mail and interest in Licher beer.

The Licher Brewery belongs to the Bitburger Brewing Group and the export business is all coordinated from Bitburg. Your e-mail was forwarded to me from the Licher Brewery.

Unfortunately we are not yet represented in the States with Licher Beer. We have plans to introduce Licher Pils beer in the near future but the negotiations are not yet finalized.

As soon as I have some more news I will let you know.

Kind regards,

Margit Mertes

And a hearty 'Danke schön' to Ms. Mertes for her prompt response, and nice job on the part of Licher to get my email into the appropriate hands. I trust we are on our way toward a healthy trade with the Bitburger Brewing Group. I don't know what sorts of red-tape are holding things up, but surely we can cut through this nonsense quickly. We have proven demand.

I like what Licher is doing with their brand. They have a balloon. They have a very nice online shop. (No sales outside of Germany, sadly.) They're sponsoring some sort of Festival in June. They of course have downloadable icons and sounds. (No, they aren't on Twitter yet.) I'm sure it's only a matter of time before they figure out how to get some of their fine product over here and really start raking in some cash. If anyone wants to help, we can start our own social media beer lobby and begin pressuring Licher to start moving on this. Or you can go to Licher's kontakt form and say "I'm hearing great things about Licher Bier. Why can't I have some in the US?"

Or maybe I'll just become a beer distributor. Cancel those as-yet-finalized negotiations, Margit. I can move this product for you.

Heineken Does It a Little Better This Time

Remember Heineken's "Share the Good" campaign? You don't? That's because they let it die very quickly. Why did they let it die so quickly? Because it was stupid. Because it sucked. Because they couldn't decide what it meant. Were we being asked to share a Heineken or clean up a park in a bad part of town? It was trying so hard and failing. It wanted to be a religion in the way Liberty Mutual wants you to pick up trash and save strangers from getting run over by cars.

So the geniuses at Heineken asked themselves, "What are we selling?"

Someone in the room replied, "Beer!"

To which a creative director said, "No, more than that."

The same person said, "Heineken t-shirts? Merchandise?"

"Get out!" screamed the creative director.

An intern timidly offered, "An experience? A relationship with the brand?"

"Yes!" said the creative director, "But more than that! What kind of an experience? What kind of relationship?" He walked to her side of the table and got in her face, imploring the young intern to give him the answer he wanted.

"A drunken experience? A night you can't remember?" She hoped her answer was the one he was looking for.

"Exactly!" he shouted as he spun around, pointing to the intern as the rest of the creative team gave her dirty looks.

"We're selling getting drunk! We're selling a good time! Now why on earth would we do anything else in the 'do gooder' category other than 'Don't drink and drive'?"

The team looked thoughtful and pretended to write notes.

"Which one of you clowns came up with 'Share the Good'?" he scanned the room.

"I did," said a thirty-something woman in black glasses, "And you thought it was awesome."

Somewhere a Mexican Bartender Wants His Royalties

Who knows how it started? My guess is it was down at Rosarito Beach in Baja, back in the days when you could eat lobster, rice and beans all night and drink like a king for next to nothing. The beachside bartender stuck a lime in a Corona for some underage surfer girl who didn't like the taste of sub-par Mexican beer. She went, "OHMIGAWD! This is RAD!" and proceeded to get drunk.

Fast forward a couple decades. Corona, a beer once considered human urine by Americans is now a major player. Its brand is fun and firmly established. And now the big American breweries (Miller, Bud) have to create a lime-infused beer in a lame game of catch-up.

I'd hate to have to work on that account.

Click for Maximum Flavor

Marketers Will Tell You When to Drink

And since Cinco de Mayo is on a Monday this year, they've turned this weekend into "Cinco de Mayo Weekend." That's an extra day of beer sales! Just as Guinness wants you to celebrate "St. Patrick's Season," Corona, Dos Equis and Tecate are on the air with ads, along with Jose Cuervo, Patron and I'm sure a variety of salsa makers, urging you to party like a frat boy on Spring Break in Cancún, Mexico's most Americanized location. Or party like a Girl Gone Wild at Daytona Beach, one of Florida's skankiest beaches.

Cinco de Mayo is a celebration of Mexican heritage and pride, observed primarily in the US, and though the beer makers would have you believe it is Mexican Independence Day, that is just a very-well marketed myth that has served to increase beer sales. It's not a holiday in Mexico. It's a reason to party in America.

Dos Quis has trotted out their "Most Interesting Man in the World" ads again, and their website is a pretty interesting bunch of discoveries based on the character. The "Most Interesting Man" reminds me somewhat of Chris Christmas Rodriguez, an overly macho character who makes you laugh as he redefines what it means to be a man.


For Corona's part, they're sticking with the beach thing, where bottles and limes are the main focus and life is a very relaxed party for two. Their website is a vertigo inducing exercise in finding the usual objects like desktop backgrounds, commercials and pictures.


Tecate, sadly, is under construction. No "interacting with the brand" here. Nobody "experiencing" Tecate. This is also the only site that is bilingual. By their placeholder pictures, one can assume Tecate favors a futbol-loving culture.

And does anyone really think that requiring a visitor to enter their age on an alcohol website will keep minors from entering an alcohol website? Time to get rid of that ridiculous custom.

So wear a silly hat, make embarrassing mariachi noises and shake your maracas while you down plenty of Mexican beer and tequila. It'd be the American thing to do.

The Church of Heineken - UPDATE

Heineken's Share the Good is up. Seems it's merely a place to show pictures of yourself holding a Heineken Premium Light. Wow. "Sharing the Good" apparently means "Buy someone a Heinie," which makes me wonder why the radio script included a reference to cleaning up trash at the docks. As brand websites go, it's nothing to write home about, though as Jessie Birks notes at AdRants, "I love their age verification treatment." I also like the dragable dial that takes you to other menu items.

I'm glad "Share the Good" isn't a religion as the radio ad hinted it might be. Those things just don't work. (SunChips has apparently modified their silly effort of last year called Live Brightly.) But all this turns out to be is a place to upload a picture of yourself holding a Heineken? Are people really that desperate to see themselves on a brand's website? Expect limited uploads, Heineken. OK, maybe they'll allow their images to be used if they're drinking free beer at a product launch party, as most of these people seem to be doing.

It's not exactly "I'd like to buy the world a Coke," but it's striving in that same direction.

Heineken has a history of creating tag lines that might be used in real life. Before I could (legally) drink, they had "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken," which was very catchy and I'm sure heard in bars the world over. I think "Share the good" might be heard at a frat party when someone walks in with a case of Heineken Premium Light and those holding more affordable beers cry out, "Share the good, bro!" And the guy with the Heinies answers, "Gimme $3 and I'll let you have one."

Spots That Make You Go, "Uh..."

I enjoy a nice cold Kirin beer if I'm at the sushi bar. As they say, "When in Tokyo." (It's got a slight pear aroma with a sweet, smooth not-too-heavy draw. And I have no idea what that means, but it seems apt.)

This commercial, while well done, (and likely lost on me as I do not hablo Japonés) seems to be trying to strum a thousand different heart strings at once. I count: family, working man, youth, generational divide, culture, society, beauty, striving and longing - at least. Any interpretations that might shed light are welcome.

Papa Was a Rolling Stone

He was a player. A smooth operator. He was Don Juan and James Bond in one man. He didn't have much sense when it came to furnishing his sex palace. He had other things on his mind. When the ladies came by, which was every night, he'd lube 'em up with Canadian Club. It was a wild time. Your Dad was the first among his buddies to be in a threesome. Then your Mom, one of his many throwaway conquests, got pregnant and your Dad "did the right thing" and married her. Then you were born. Then he REALLY started drinking.

Canadian Club is doing its first advertising in 20 years. They've gone for the Old Spice approach, only without the knowing wink and a nod. They're serious. Real Men, Cool Men, drink Canadian Club.

More details on the campaign at Wine & Spirits Daily.

Scanned from the November 1 issue of Rolling Stone, the last issue of my subscription, according to the giant wrapper on the magazine. This one is so filled with Springsteen sycophantic sucking-up that the only thing I will miss about the magazine are the ads.

Buy an Astronaut a Drink