If You Don't Buy This, The Terrorists Win

Click it to buy it.

Having a million-selling* single online can be a heady thing if you're not ready for it, but as I've learned from watching and studying Justin Bieber, it's important that guys like Justin and I maintain our grounded, down-to-earth coolness in the face of all this sudden wealth and fame. I am still the same me, only with tons and tons of cash and servants and exotic cars and a private jet and sushi whenever I demand it, prepared by my personal chef, who, if she doesn't get her act together, will find herself my former personal chef. (The ad clearly said: "Must be able to make sushi with leanings toward the California School expected. Sushi tools NOT provided!")

At the same time, it's discouraging that not everyone in the world has bought a copy yet. I know there are, like, starving people in other countries who can't afford the 99¢ because they have to eat or something, so maybe you can buy an extra copy and send it to them?

As I said before, you can hate the hell out of it. I don't care. Just buy it.

* I won't know for another month or two how it's doing at iTunes. The distributor, CD Baby, says, "Apple sends us the monthly report about 4-6 weeks after the month is finished. Meaning: you won't see your September sales until the first week of November." 

By Request: Where's My Jetpack - Audio Track Only

Stereophonic sound, commonly called stereo, is the reproduction of sound using two or more independent audio channels through a symmetrical configuration of loudspeakers in such a way as to create the impression of sound heard from various directions, as in natural hearing.

Now dig to the groovy sounds of what some critics have called "Beck on Robitussin."

And remember kids, illegal drugs are not cool. Why do you think they call it "dope"?

Hope That Something Pure Can Last

This is what they will play for you on your deathbed, like the old man in Soylent Green watching the film of flowers before he's wheeled into the processor to become snack crackers. (Did I lose you, kids? Look it up.)

Indie band Arcade Fire, in cooperation with "some friends from Google," have showcased the capabilities of HTML5 with director Chris Milk through the website The Wilderness Downtown. Type in the address of a childhood home (or any address for that matter) and wait a bit. Provided you grew up in a suburb, the film will aptly reflect the title of the band's latest release, The Suburbs. (Is there something about Canadian bands and their obsession with subdivisions? "Any escape might help to smooth the unattractive truth," I suppose. Look it up.)

Having moved around quite a lot as a child, I watched it several times using different addresses. The birds cast shadows over your neighborhood and the running child can be seen from the birds' view on high, running down your old street. As he/she spins on the wet asphalt, the scene in front of your old house begins to spin. It's like a dream, honestly, up to the point where the film asks you to write a letter to your childhood self, which I found to be an overwrought stretch. I was enjoying a journey, not looking for a therapy session.

The video, as far as I can tell, is only viewable in Google's Chrome browser, and it's a little clunky. Even still, it's worth it. But believe the warning: "This film is processor intensive. Please shut down other programs and close unnecessary browser tabs. Doing this will enhance your viewing experience. Thanks."

Is it a clever promotion for Google's Chrome, still slow to be adopted after two years? Is it a smart publicity piece for Arcade Fire's new music? Is it a showcase for the capabilities of HTML5? Yes, yes and yes. What's more, it's a hauntingly beautiful piece of art, it's a good (and catchy, damnit) song, it's an unexpected trip into your childhood, and the lyrics recall an innocence that will make you nostalgic for the time before "the flashing lights settled deep in your brain."

Via

Canada's #1 Export

Now that it's safe for Rush fans to come out of the closet, what with the appearance of the band on The Colbert Report, their featured role in the comedy I Love You, Man, and their recent documentary, Beyond The Lighted Stage taking an Audience Award at the Tribeca Film Festival, I'm going to go ahead and risk alienating some readers by letting you know that I, for many years, have kept somewhat hidden my love for Rush.

There. I'm out! I feel so free!

They are awesome, "The Synthesizer Years" notwithstanding. How awesome? Matt Stone and Trey Parker, creators of South Park, created the opening video to their last tour. Sure, all their stuff doesn't work for me, and I have accused them of being (as they note in the film) "pretentious," but for three guys to make this much incredible music is just stunning. I get that they're a musician's band, and they're not for everyone. Those who appreciate them tend to do so to a psychotic degree while those who hate them do so with equal fervency, but they've been with me for a long time. When I fell asleep and rolled my Toyota Celica on I-5 in San Diego one early morning as a teenager, it was Rush playing from the cassette deck when I awoke upside down. (Seatbelts Save Lives, Kids!)

I understand that the band (as pointed out in I Love You, Man, as well as in the recent documentary) are not exactly a favorite among the ladies, unless those ladies are 11-years-old and pure musical geniuses. I only today saw this, so if it's old to you, apologies. Here's an 11-year old girl playing the highly complex Rush composition YYZ - by herself - on keyboards.



For the uninitiated, YYZ has worldwide appeal, as evidenced by this inspirational footage of a crowd of 60,000 Brazilians actually SINGING to an INSTRUMENTAL.

(For the non-Canadian and non-Rush fan, YYZ is the airport code for Toronto.)

Why no one has ever licensed any Rush tunes for commercial use is a mystery to me. Perhaps the heady lyrics and "pretentiousness" have hindered advertisers. I'm working on a little spec spot that I hope might change that.

At the Morrissey Songwriting Clinic

(Click for large.)

You Can Not Resist - You Will Do Its Bidding!

I was on an agency website, and they had the "Top 3 songs on your iPod" bit in the bios, along with "Most embarrassing song on your iPod." I know it is considered way uncool to like this song, but it is hard for many of us to deny it. Give in. Succumb to the uncategorizable sounds of Kajagoogoo.

Talkin' to you, David Plain!



OK - they could be categorized under "One-hit-wonder British bands of the 80s," true.

This really could be the new Rick Roll'd, if the intro weren't so long.


Bonus points if anyone knows where "Do Its Bidding!" comes from.

Calle del Alfabeto

Bloggers, have you ever posted a video and then gone back to the post months later to find that the video has been removed by the original poster? Happens all the time here and this blog is littered with empty YouTube frames that make those posts pointless.

In some cases, it's a music publisher claiming copyright infringement, which in this day and age, is the dumbest move a music publisher/record label could make. When people are stealing your music from LimeWire and a host of other places, why not allow your music a little free play that doubles as promotion for your artist? Maybe someone sees this video of Prince (being painfully slow-hosted via two or three servers, with the original host being in Romania) and goes out and buys some Prince music on iTunes.

It could happen. Now please enjoy the funky fun of the Minnesota Vikings' most famous fan before it gets removed again.

Prince - Alphabet Street - Watch more Music Videos at Vodpod.

I Want to Play That Phone

I've never liked Eric Clapton. He's one of those guys who's been overhyped so long everyone is just SUPPOSED to like him, much like Springsteen or Lady Gaga. Actually, I think Gaga might have more talent than both of those clowns put together. But I've got to hand it to T-Mobile, this is a cool phone.

One of THOSE Movies

Before the reviews are in, I can already write the blurbs for the upcoming full-page ads.

"Jeff Bridges turns in the performance of a lifetime."
- Sycophant Critic, Major Publication

"Jeff Bridges was born for this role."
- Unknown Climber, Unknown FOX Affiliate

"Robert Duvall was born to play Jeff Bridges' dad."
- Some Loser, Robert Duvall Fan Club

"Roll out the red carpet! I smell Oscars!"
- Drooling Fanboy, Entertainment Blog

It's got everything: washed-up country singer, tough single mom reporter, Robert Duvall, and a story likely to warm your cold heart. Only thing is that I saw it already. It was called "Tender Mercies," starring Robert Duvall.



But all the snark and cynicism aside, I will likely rent it.

Rock Lyrics as Spoken Word

Another random, throwaway creation made possible by the fun diversion known as Xtranormal. I heard this on the way to work and decided it would sound good as a poem. It doesn't really. Rarely do rock lyrics translate well when spoken aloud, but this little Lego man puts in a nice effort in what Xtranormal calls the "Australian English Male" voice, one of a few accent options. We'll pretend he's standing in the middle of a street in Adelaide.

Final stanza of "Hump de Bump."



See the real video (directed by Chris Rock) associated with these lyrics here.

Note for the audiophiles: On the original song, after the drum break when the trumpets get going, (which is where this stanza occurs) adjust the balance fully to the left speaker and enjoy the very cool fills that get lost in the regular mix. Rick Rubin, you should've listened to me.

Boom Box Badness

From 1980, when the bigger your boom box was, the badder you were. People carried these things down the road, subjecting all within a three-block radius to their favorite tunes. While we may bemoan the isolated worlds that earbuds have created, it's nice that we don't have to force each other to listen to our music anymore. And they ate up D cells like Octomom in the Pampers aisle. And you could develop back problems from hoisting one of these down the street.

Earth, Wind & Fire for Panasonic. Too bad it wasn't Shining Star.

Very Nice©

Hard not to like this spot for Bacardi. Everything is on; music, concept, production, casting. Music is by Matt and Kim.



Well, everything except the Standard Jim voiceover at the end.

Watch Matt and Kim strip in Times Square in one of those "Lets get naked for publicity" stunts that music acts have been doing since forever.

Found at Sullivan.

Retro Thursday Random Throwback

Because we have YouTube now, and because I wanted to hear it.
You won't mind.

Not a Fan

At the risk of angering most of the world, it seems, I am unable to appreciate this guy, who now occupies a spot on my list of "World's Most Overrated Musicians." (Which is technically incorrect, since I'm pretty sure this guy only sang.)

If you own a pizza place, you are required to play five Frank Sinatra songs per hour. In Miami recently, I endured three of "Old Blue Eyes'" tunes in a single lunch. My local Italian restaurant has giant pictures of him (along with the rest of the "Rat Pack") on the walls.

I just don't get it. His music to me is boring. He's supposed to be "cool" but I'm not hearing it. I suppose my Italian half should be loyal to him, but to me his popularity (like Tony Bennett's) is some long-lasting fad, where people are required to cite him as one of the greats.

And in the above picture, he's wearing a pinkie ring. To quote the Most Interesting Man in the World, "No."

The Super Bowl Promos Have Begun

And at the risk of angering a bunch of readers, (and in particular the New Jersey readers) the promos feature one of the world's most overrated musicians—Mr. America, Mr. Blue-Collar, Mr. Common Man of the People, Mr. National Treasure, The Boss—this dude.

The Super Bowl halftime show, sure to be blogged about my millions, blessed by the Pope and reviewed live via satellite by President Obama, will feature a bunch of BS.

Not a fan of BS, myself, and that should be OK. I should be allowed to say, "I don't like BS." But BS fans are zealots. You mustn't doubt the power of the BS. Do not knock the BS. It usually goes like this,"Man, you just need to listen to [insert favorite BS album title here] and then you'll understand that he's a poet. An artist. He's a fuckin' genius, Man."

And one of these days I'll piss off some more people with my list of the most overrated musical acts in the history of the world. (Hint: one of the acts is a long-defunct quartet from Liverpool, and the two surviving members were easily the shittiest of the four.)

Mariah Carey, What Hath Thou Wrought?

I don't know when it started, but somewhere along the way singers all started to do that warbly thing. I can't describe it in words well, but it's where they take a single syllable and turn it into five syllables and take it all over a scale or up and down an octave. It's show-off singing. Right now, some cube dweller here on what I call "Death Row" (where they keep the creatives on their way out soon - far away from the other creatives) someone from another department keeps a clock radio for company. They also enjoy Christmas music. Some unknown (to me) lady crooner is smoothing her way through "Do You Hear What I Hear" right now, where even the word "I" is an unrecognizable string of sounds, as if she's trying to impress a panel of judges at a high school talent show. It's enough to make me even more Scrooge-like. Gimme my headphones.

Take a Time Out From the Madness for a Moment

Got no rants tonight. This one seems timely.

(By the way, if this does not stir at least your foot to tap, your head to bob or your whole body to sway in what you consider dance, then you officially have no soul.)

This Guy's Fingers Make Chords You've Never Even Seen

And he's only got nine fingers.

From his landmark album The Wind and The Wheat, here's Phil Keaggy playing an abbreviated version of the title track.

It is rumored that Jimi Hendrix was asked, "What's it like to be the greatest guitar player in the world?" He is said to have responded, "I don't know. Ask Phil Keaggy." That is an urban legend. I had the opportunity to interview Keaggy and asked him if I could inquire on-air about the fabled endorsement. He preferred we not delve into it, humble guy that he is. I said, "OK, for my own curiosity, is it true?" He said, "He called me one of the up-and-comers to keep an eye on."




This album is so good, I have a copy of the watercolor (above) from the cover on my living room wall, painted by this guy, who told me by email, "It is interesting, I have done hundreds, no, probably thousands of illustrations over the past thirty years, but that piece of art is remembered more than just about any that I have done. It is not even in a style I typically do, or am known for."

For a funny glimpse into Keaggy's past, have a look at this psychedelic clip from his old band, Glass Harp, as they jam all Spinal Tap-ish.

Recent postings by Bill and Fred inspired me to look this clip up.

How To Write Morrissey Lyrics

...or any emo lyrics, for that matter.

I was headed to the grocery store and heard some random Smiths song on the radio and was marveling at Morrissey's ability to create the most random, non-rhyming lyrics. I'm sure many people read deep meaning into things Morrissey writes that he never intended. He's considered the Godfather of Emo for his supposed depth and nuance.

As I pulled into the parking lot I saw a bunch of Boy Scouts offering a car wash next to the liquor store. I decided to have my car washed , since it was very dirty. And now I will write a Morrissey song based on the experience.
Boy Scout Car Wash

And my car was dirty.
And the Boy Scouts, they were washing cars. By the liquor store.
So I had my car washed.
Now they can go to camp this summer, because I gave them a twenty.

And they made my car shine.
And now my car shines.
And the liquor store. It's a great place to have your car washed.
If your car is dirty.

And my car was dirty. But now it's not anymore.
Because the Boy Scouts washed my car. And I gave them a twenty.
And now they will go to camp this summer. I'm so happy.
So happy for the Boy Scouts. Who washed my car.
By the liquor store.
And now my car's clean. My car's clean. My car's clean.

And they made my car shine.
And now my car shines.
And the liquor store. It's a great place to have your car washed.
If your car is dirty.


Deep, huh?

Bringing Things to Make You Sing

Remember when the "M" in MTV stood for music? That responsibility is now YouTube's. Here are a bunch of live performances of songs I should have on my player.

• One of the prettiest, most unintelligible songs Pearl Jam ever did. But in Copenhagen, the crowd knows every word.
• In another life, Sananda Maitreya was known as Terence Trent D'Arby, and the man was phenomenal.
• Jack Johnson performs at Tower Records, which is no place to escape the sing-along groupies.
• Before he was a fat clown self-parody recycling his own songs for another dead blonde, Elton John had a funky side.
• Speaking of Elton John, some San Diego based guy named Jimmy Lewis nails Amoreena for a small crowd.
• Just three nights ago, someone in the crowd at the Greek Theater in LA captured Alison Krause and Robert Plant performing Battle of Evermore in the first of their two sold-out nights. (Good review here.)
• I feel bad for bands like Marcy Playground, who will never equal their debut success, captured here in Germany.
• Chances are that the modern Western music you listen to is rooted in and indebted to the music of Son House*, among others. Here is House performing John The Revelator a capella.

Yes, I did this once before.

* Trivia Note: If you visit my URL Where's My Jetpack?, you can find the picture of Mr. House (above) in the window.