At 99¢, There's No Way You Can Lose

Or: 

What Do I Need to Do to Get This Song on Your iPod TODAY?

(Lemme hit you with some heavy sales copy. It's a hard sell, and you're locked in the room until you agree.)

I remember reading a story years ago about the rhythm guitarist for an American band who bought a mansion based off his royalties from a single song-writing credit. It was a good song; a popular song. That's the American dream, isn't it? (Or one of them, anyway. The other one involves working real hard, scraping and clawing your way from mailroom clerk to CEO in 50 years, but I don't have the time or the patience for that route.) And while most musicians today will tell you that you can't possibly make a living from music anymore, I will, with your help, defy those naysayers. I intend to live that dream today, but I probably won't buy a mansion. I'll just get my roof replaced and maybe install a new toilet in the master bath. And I'm going to do it in 99¢ increments. (Actually 60 to 70¢ increments after CDBaby takes their cut.)

What is 99¢ to you? You give 99¢ to the barista at Starbucks because she got your coffee right. You give 99¢ per bag (even though the going rate is $2) to the guy at the airport curb who schlepped your bags the few yards you were too lazy to walk. You give 99¢ to the hotdog vendor outside The Home Depot because you saw the tip jar and felt guilty walking away without adding to it. You give 99¢ to your state's lottery every week. And what do you have to show for any of those 99¢ donations? NOTHING! I give you a song that will last forever in your iPod. I give you Music. I give you Eternity!

The song I'm selling, "Where's My Jetpack?" was described by the first person who bought it, a gentleman from Edmonton, Alberta, as, "An anthem for a generation." He went on to say, "It's been stuck in my head for weeks! I think this is a truly great tune. You really have something here. The world needs to have this song!" (I am not lying, and I do not know this generous, if delusional man, but it was his unexpected encouragement that prompted me to upload the song.) Now, can you afford to be left out on an anthem? I don't want to see that happen to you, and neither do your parents. Or your children. Don't let  them down. As the man said, The World needs to have this song. That giant demographic includes you, my friend. And your parents. And your children. Think of the children.

How many blogs do you read that have their own theme song? Very few, I'm sure. That alone is worth a 99¢ tip! So, I'll tell ya what I'll do! I'll let you have the song after you tip me 99¢!

And it really doesn't matter if you hate the song. What percentage of the music on your iPod do you hate? Maybe 30%? I have songs on my iPod I will NEVER listen to. What's one more? And what do you expect for 99¢ anyway? So what if it's not your favorite genre or style? Expand your palate! Broaden your horizons!

Think of it this way: You're at Dollar Night at your favorite sushi place. You've tried all sorts of exotic pieces and then you say to your companions, "Let's try the sea urchin! It's only $1!" And so you try it and resolve to never, ever eat sea urchin again. You're only out $1 and you learned a valuable lesson about sea urchin. And if you happen to be among the few hundred people worldwide who like sea urchin, is the sushi place going to let you order more of it without paying? That's the difference between me and your sushi place. If you like this song, you get to keep listening to it FOREVER! FOR FREE! This bargain is the biggest no-brainer in the history of earth.

So, what I need you to do right now is make yourself one of the many, many millions who are this very minute going to iTunes to buy the song I'm selling. Once you've done that, and this is KEY - make sure EVERYONE YOU KNOW on Twitter and Facebook buys it, too. And yes, even that gross guy you barely remember from middle school whose friend request you regret accepting because he keeps sending you creepy private messages. Once this chain spans the globe, I expect messages on my Facebook saying, "Dude, I know you don't remember me, but you REALLY NEED TO BUY THIS SONG ON iTUNES."

Not an iTunes user? You can buy it directly from CDBaby.

(And I'd prefer not to hear from the audiophiles about the production quality. Considering I used an old Kay guitar plugged into an aging HP, some drum programming and a Radio Shack headset microphone, I think it passes. Remember, it's only 99¢ you're about to spend. Don't be a sound snob.)

I'd like to tell you that a certain percentage of your 99¢ will go toward some do-gooder program that provides mosquito nets while improving the literacy rate among transgendered baby seals in the rain forest, but it won't. It's all mine after iTunes and CDBaby take their cut. I am counting on you to make me disgustingly rich from a song that doesn't deserve the attention it's about to get. This happens all the time. Bieber, anyone? OK, Bobby McFarrin?

As with most music, it sounds better if you're listening to it loud while drinking an adult beverage. Or perhaps smoking something that might be legal in some states as long as you call it "medicine."

And if you're still too stingy with your measly little dollar, go here and steal the song for free. You punkass pirate bastard.

And then watch the video.

Hope That Something Pure Can Last

This is what they will play for you on your deathbed, like the old man in Soylent Green watching the film of flowers before he's wheeled into the processor to become snack crackers. (Did I lose you, kids? Look it up.)

Indie band Arcade Fire, in cooperation with "some friends from Google," have showcased the capabilities of HTML5 with director Chris Milk through the website The Wilderness Downtown. Type in the address of a childhood home (or any address for that matter) and wait a bit. Provided you grew up in a suburb, the film will aptly reflect the title of the band's latest release, The Suburbs. (Is there something about Canadian bands and their obsession with subdivisions? "Any escape might help to smooth the unattractive truth," I suppose. Look it up.)

Having moved around quite a lot as a child, I watched it several times using different addresses. The birds cast shadows over your neighborhood and the running child can be seen from the birds' view on high, running down your old street. As he/she spins on the wet asphalt, the scene in front of your old house begins to spin. It's like a dream, honestly, up to the point where the film asks you to write a letter to your childhood self, which I found to be an overwrought stretch. I was enjoying a journey, not looking for a therapy session.

The video, as far as I can tell, is only viewable in Google's Chrome browser, and it's a little clunky. Even still, it's worth it. But believe the warning: "This film is processor intensive. Please shut down other programs and close unnecessary browser tabs. Doing this will enhance your viewing experience. Thanks."

Is it a clever promotion for Google's Chrome, still slow to be adopted after two years? Is it a smart publicity piece for Arcade Fire's new music? Is it a showcase for the capabilities of HTML5? Yes, yes and yes. What's more, it's a hauntingly beautiful piece of art, it's a good (and catchy, damnit) song, it's an unexpected trip into your childhood, and the lyrics recall an innocence that will make you nostalgic for the time before "the flashing lights settled deep in your brain."

Via

Canada's #1 Export

Now that it's safe for Rush fans to come out of the closet, what with the appearance of the band on The Colbert Report, their featured role in the comedy I Love You, Man, and their recent documentary, Beyond The Lighted Stage taking an Audience Award at the Tribeca Film Festival, I'm going to go ahead and risk alienating some readers by letting you know that I, for many years, have kept somewhat hidden my love for Rush.

There. I'm out! I feel so free!

They are awesome, "The Synthesizer Years" notwithstanding. How awesome? Matt Stone and Trey Parker, creators of South Park, created the opening video to their last tour. Sure, all their stuff doesn't work for me, and I have accused them of being (as they note in the film) "pretentious," but for three guys to make this much incredible music is just stunning. I get that they're a musician's band, and they're not for everyone. Those who appreciate them tend to do so to a psychotic degree while those who hate them do so with equal fervency, but they've been with me for a long time. When I fell asleep and rolled my Toyota Celica on I-5 in San Diego one early morning as a teenager, it was Rush playing from the cassette deck when I awoke upside down. (Seatbelts Save Lives, Kids!)

I understand that the band (as pointed out in I Love You, Man, as well as in the recent documentary) are not exactly a favorite among the ladies, unless those ladies are 11-years-old and pure musical geniuses. I only today saw this, so if it's old to you, apologies. Here's an 11-year old girl playing the highly complex Rush composition YYZ - by herself - on keyboards.



For the uninitiated, YYZ has worldwide appeal, as evidenced by this inspirational footage of a crowd of 60,000 Brazilians actually SINGING to an INSTRUMENTAL.

(For the non-Canadian and non-Rush fan, YYZ is the airport code for Toronto.)

Why no one has ever licensed any Rush tunes for commercial use is a mystery to me. Perhaps the heady lyrics and "pretentiousness" have hindered advertisers. I'm working on a little spec spot that I hope might change that.

Band Names from Google News

Volume XXVI, Number 5, likely.

How you ever gonna get the labels to notice you, little rebels, if you can't even garner a measly following on MySpace or Facebook? Here's the trick: you need to name yourself something unique. And don't just look around your apartment and see something and try to make a band name out of it, because "Girlfriend's Hairbrush" or "Empty Cat Food Can" are just lame names for your group. Go to Google News. There is a daily trove of possibilities waiting for you. Like today. Click the name to see what inspired it.

• The Dry Eyes
• Chocolate Love
• Bubba's Heart
• Raising Eyebrows
• The Buzz Biffs
• Immediate Withdrawal
• Crippled By Desire

For more in this series, see here.

Calle del Alfabeto

Bloggers, have you ever posted a video and then gone back to the post months later to find that the video has been removed by the original poster? Happens all the time here and this blog is littered with empty YouTube frames that make those posts pointless.

In some cases, it's a music publisher claiming copyright infringement, which in this day and age, is the dumbest move a music publisher/record label could make. When people are stealing your music from LimeWire and a host of other places, why not allow your music a little free play that doubles as promotion for your artist? Maybe someone sees this video of Prince (being painfully slow-hosted via two or three servers, with the original host being in Romania) and goes out and buys some Prince music on iTunes.

It could happen. Now please enjoy the funky fun of the Minnesota Vikings' most famous fan before it gets removed again.

Prince - Alphabet Street - Watch more Music Videos at Vodpod.

Band Names From Google News (The Reunion Tour)

A formerly popular feature on this blog was "Band Names from Google News" (See here for the archives) in which I conduct a cursory glance of Google news headlines and come up with names for your fledgling act that is currently wowing the kids over at MySpace.

I thought I'd bring it back, at least for a day. Below are the names gathered from today's headlines, with links to the stories that inspired the names.

• Dark Side of Funny (link)
• Up To The Hype (link)
• Some Immunity (link)
• Plastic Logic (link)
• Elvis Birthday (link)
• The Genius Scandal (link)
• Wholesale Power Trade (link)

And speaking of MySpace, check out these punks from Scotland. (Thanks, @everysandwich.)

Hide Your Product, Guaranteeing Less People See it!

Nice work, Universal Music Group (and most major labels). In your paranoid attempt to hold on to your "intellectual property rights" and your stunningly stupid, reactionary response to "piracy," you prevent bloggers or Facebookers from sharing your stuff.

Chances are very good that if someone posts a video of Grinspoon doing a cover of "Don't Change," some people might go to iTunes and buy it for a dollar. Not happening as long as you play this baby game.

Band Names from Google News

A neglected feature, now nearing 200 entries, for all you post-punk-neo-soul-ska-garage-death-speed-alt-pop-emo-hair-scene-scream-hip-R&B-hop-heavy-Americana artists seeking a catchy name for your group/act. Or maybe you just need to rebrand. Your name was cool a few years ago, but maybe "Black Socks Bedroom Floor" was a little too out there.

The gist: scan Google News headlines and find names that would evoke intrigue and prompt the teeming masses to buy your shirts, wear your hats, attend your shows and maybe, just maybe, make you a profit. (With links to the actual news items.)

Increasingly Perilous
The Meat Plants
Leaked Memo
A Year in Prison
Doggy Damage
Ready to Cooperate
Their Own Monarchs

Here are 186 other choices.

Seriously, Man, You and Me, We're Done Professionally

Another Viral Example Brands Can't Duplicate

Take something topical, like say, a spoiled actor screaming at length at a production guy for "trashing my scene" and set the audio to dance music. Instant hit. 2 million views on YouTube in a matter of days, with many of those viewers following the link to the MySpace page of RevoLucian, a producer from LA, (real name: Lucian Piane) who is making a name for himself by taking the captured, candid audio moments of celebrities and turning them into lyrics for his mixes. He's skewered Bill O'Reilly, Barbara Streisand, Sarah Palin and the "Don't Taze Me Bro" guy.

RevoLucian is not signed to a label, but everyone loves his stuff now. He says he's producing RuPaul's new CD, but that's not much of a calling card. Being able to say, "I created the Christian Bale Dance Remix" however, should open a few doors.

Why is Mr. Piane's Bale remix a hit? It's topical, for one. It's also funny and smart. And it actually happened. It's Batman (fucking) losing it. And now it's a dance remix. I can see this song being played in clubs, with the main lyric, "What don't you fuckin' understand?" being shouted out on the dance floor. Piane's viral is now a resume maker.

Bale ranted and Piane struck while the topic was hot. Now he's got the momentum to take his work (his "brand" if you will) to loftier places. But few people care to see what a brand's professional production team has deemed "viral." Ray Ban got some views for their glasses catching guys, but that video got as much negative press for trying too hard and being smug as it did for being clever.

I stand by the maxim: Good viral just happens.

Band Names from Google News

Time to revive that old series (it's been over two months since the last installment) wherein I invent seven names for your fledgling musical group based on today's headlines from Google News.

• Serena Slams Safina
• Issues of the Middle Class
• The War Children
• Logic Bomb
• Heatwave Chaos
• Eight Times The Ethical Questions
• Super Bowl Jesus

Here are 179 more.

Band Names from Google News

Bringing back an old feature, wherein I invent names for your fledgling musical group based on today's headlines, with explanations in footnotes.

Here are 172 more.

• Keep Your Chair¹
• Space Station Lube²
• Super Tanker Pirate³
• Too Sick to Travel⁴
• Cuban Cubs⁵
• Gorillas and Guerillas⁶
• Cool to Amnesty⁷

1. Democrats tell Lieberman to shut up and do as he's told and keep his silly little chairmanship of whatever, which they will strip him of as soon as he steps out of line.
2. Astronauts are doing an oil change on the International Space Station.
3. A Saudi oil tanker is being hijacked off Somalia.
4. Michael Jackson's doctor says he can't make it to some court case, even though you know he ran to Macy's when he heard "boys pants are half-off."
5. Mark "Asshole" Cuban was trying to buy the Chicago Cubs.
6. Somewhere in that giant country of Africa, I think in the Congo, a bunch of rebel fighters are messing with the habitat of some precious endangered species.
7. US not so sure they want to grant immunity to a Taliban guy.

Band Names from Google News - with Footnotes

If I've told you once, I've told you at least 21 times. In a world of never ending replication, where one angst-filled band sounds exactly like the next one, you need more than tight jeans with white belts to set yourselves apart. You need more than clever rhymes and poseur street-smarts. You need more than a MySpace account and black t-shirts. More than even a gimmicky haircut and carefully applied eye makeup. You need a name. You need a brand. Allow me to help. These possible band names come from this morning's headlines on Google News. The links at bottom will take you to the stories from which the names come.

• Dark Turn¹
• Statement from a Dog²
• Bad Lonely Schoolboys³
• Scandalous Dairy⁴
• Amid Uncertainty⁵
• Fair Flynn⁶
• The Animals Engineered⁷

1. Condoleezza Rice says Russia has taken a dark turn.
2. The Georgia Bulldogs need to make a statement.
3. Schoolboy Islamist jailed for two years.
4. China dairy ordered milk off shelves.
5. Malaysia's #2 leader delays trip amid uncertainty.
6. Former Boston Mayor Raymond Flynn in fair condition.
7. FDA releases guidelines for genetically engineered animals.

Here are 165 more.

Band Names From Google News

You set up your MySpace music site. You uploaded your logo to Cafe Press. Your sister and your cousin are telling all their friends to download your sure-to-be-a-smash-hit song "Second Lunch Kiss," and you and your bandmates have all bought really tight low riding girl jeans and white belts, even the chubby bassist, who looks really stupid in them. But for whatever reason, the big label deal hasn't arrived yet. Maybe it's because your band's name just isn't touching the masses. Sure, it's obscure and mysterious, but you might need to consider a new one. I offer you these, based on today's headlines at Google News.

• Forty-Five Year Dream
• Here Comes Gustav
• Desperation Prevails
• Safe Passage
• Arson House
• Jail For Mom
• Tequila Nightmare

Here are 158 more.

This Guy's Fingers Make Chords You've Never Even Seen

And he's only got nine fingers.

From his landmark album The Wind and The Wheat, here's Phil Keaggy playing an abbreviated version of the title track.

It is rumored that Jimi Hendrix was asked, "What's it like to be the greatest guitar player in the world?" He is said to have responded, "I don't know. Ask Phil Keaggy." That is an urban legend. I had the opportunity to interview Keaggy and asked him if I could inquire on-air about the fabled endorsement. He preferred we not delve into it, humble guy that he is. I said, "OK, for my own curiosity, is it true?" He said, "He called me one of the up-and-comers to keep an eye on."




This album is so good, I have a copy of the watercolor (above) from the cover on my living room wall, painted by this guy, who told me by email, "It is interesting, I have done hundreds, no, probably thousands of illustrations over the past thirty years, but that piece of art is remembered more than just about any that I have done. It is not even in a style I typically do, or am known for."

For a funny glimpse into Keaggy's past, have a look at this psychedelic clip from his old band, Glass Harp, as they jam all Spinal Tap-ish.

Recent postings by Bill and Fred inspired me to look this clip up.

Band Names from Google News

It's that time of the week, (been a few weeks, sorry) when I give you a replacement name for your struggling musical act based on today's headlines at Google News.

• Hurtful Handshake
• Beijing Lip Sync
• 100-Meter Butterfly
• Bigfoot Buzz
• Trickle Back Home
• Ko Lin Pow
• Mark Penn & the Wolf Sons

Here are 151 more.

Band Names from Google News - SPECIAL EDITION

This will be the first time that all seven band names from Google News come from one story, an unconfirmed story that you may not know about, since (most of) the media is pretty much not reporting it, because it pretty much is nothing but rumor at this point. But still, surely one of these names would be a great name for your band.

• Love Child
• Beverly Rendezvous
• Not Good, Johnny
  
• Enquirer's Notebook
  
• Hilton Baño
• Ashen Faced
• Condition of Anonymity

Here are 144 more.

Band Names from Google News - Yet Again

How’s that MySpace band thing working out for you? Me, not so great.

Perhaps we need to change our names. I may rework all my music to some sort of alt-country Americana and perform under the name “Wichita Starbucks.” (Gonna have to buy some new clothes.)

The premise of this continuing series is: I scan Google Headlines and come up with band/music act names based on today’s happenings in the news.

• Intensified Attack
• Roar to Life
• Lay Down Green
• Wichita Starbucks
• Uninspired and Undecided
• Testing Positive
• Clergy Defecting

Here are 137 more.

Rebrand Your Band

You ask for it, I hotkey over to a Word doc when someone enters my space as I deliver it to you. It's Band Names from Google News, a regular feature. This time with links to show you where the band name comes from. The premise is: You ain't goin' nowhere with your stupid band name. Rebrand your band.

• Nation of Whiners (link)
• Fannie Freddie Slide (link)
• Knütkütter (link)
• Pope Going Down (link)
• Graphic Novices (link)
• The Christie Crusade (link)
• Roman Apples (link)

Here are an additional 130.

Image is actually of German thrash metal band Kreator, found on a Google image search for, of all things, "German thrash metal band."

How To Write Morrissey Lyrics

...or any emo lyrics, for that matter.

I was headed to the grocery store and heard some random Smiths song on the radio and was marveling at Morrissey's ability to create the most random, non-rhyming lyrics. I'm sure many people read deep meaning into things Morrissey writes that he never intended. He's considered the Godfather of Emo for his supposed depth and nuance.

As I pulled into the parking lot I saw a bunch of Boy Scouts offering a car wash next to the liquor store. I decided to have my car washed , since it was very dirty. And now I will write a Morrissey song based on the experience.
Boy Scout Car Wash

And my car was dirty.
And the Boy Scouts, they were washing cars. By the liquor store.
So I had my car washed.
Now they can go to camp this summer, because I gave them a twenty.

And they made my car shine.
And now my car shines.
And the liquor store. It's a great place to have your car washed.
If your car is dirty.

And my car was dirty. But now it's not anymore.
Because the Boy Scouts washed my car. And I gave them a twenty.
And now they will go to camp this summer. I'm so happy.
So happy for the Boy Scouts. Who washed my car.
By the liquor store.
And now my car's clean. My car's clean. My car's clean.

And they made my car shine.
And now my car shines.
And the liquor store. It's a great place to have your car washed.
If your car is dirty.


Deep, huh?

Let's Watch Some Music from the 90s

If I managed a grocery store, I'd buck corporate suggestions for music and create my own loops that would keep the soccer moms shopping while also keeping my pimply-faced cashiers and baggers from going out of their minds. This particular loop would be called "Pop Rock of the 90s."

• And you didn't even know you liked trip-hop. Six Underground, from Sneaker Pimps. (1996)
• All you need for a Peter Murphy video shoot is a light kit, a fan and some cloud footage. He brings his own make-up and a bassist who plays with a violin bow. ("Let's grab some shots of you running in the woods out back.") Here's his 1990 scary hit, Cuts You Up.
• The 90s brought us Angry Chick Rock. It's hard to know which angry Fiona Apple song to include on this list, so I'll just grab one of her best and angriest, Sleep to Dream, from 1996.
• I'll bet breaking into music is easy when Bob Dylan is your dad. The Wallflower's one hit was good, even if it was really just recycled Tom Petty. But the bald dude in young Dylan's band does some nice note-bending. (1996)
• Dave Matthews was inescapable in the 90s. This is the song that pretty much launched him out of Charlottesville in '94. (Catch him this summer in "You Don't Mess With The Zohan," a horrible, horrible movie that made me laugh out loud a number of times.
  
• Harmonica on the previous song was played by John Popper of Blues Traveler. They had a very clever song (and video) in Hook the same year.
• Extremely clever and probably low budget as well, Jamiroquai's 1996 hit Virtual Insanity is still fun to watch. (The room was on wheels, being pushed around a large space.) Sometimes the most creative ideas aren't computer generated or expensive.
  

Yep, did this before. Here and here. And on Bill Green's suggestion, it continues.

Previously in "Music to Shop By":
Grab Can, Lift Arm, Stack Can, Turn Around

There is purposely no Nirvana on this list. I'm sure you can find a thousand sites dedicated to Courtney Love's dead, overrated husband. This is also not a Rolling Stone or VH1-styled "Essential Albums of the 90s" list. It's my list. For my grocery store.