I Can't Believe This Guy Is Beating Me by 59 Thousand

And with your help, he won't be much longer.

Tim Wilson. Never heard of him, but he's one of those country singers who throws in the F-word on his song and it's a success. "Ha-ha! He said, 'Where the Fuck is My Jetpack?'" and his song has over sixty-thousand views on YouTube.



By contrast, here is what I find to be a far superior song, and instead of just a picture of the smiling singer/songwriter you get an actual video, and this video is only sitting at about 1,200 views. (And between you and me, these lyrics are way better.)



Now granted, Mr. Wilson has a major label behind him and he tours regularly, whereas I write a small blog with a low readership and dabble in music from a computer in my bedroom, so I suppose it's only natural that the number of views for his song should surpass mine. Nevermind that he probably stole the line from me.

I would like to someday beat Tim Wilson on YouTube. Another person I'd like to beat is this dude, whose Kraftwerk/Devo/Cars sounding Jetpack video is just...well, you decide. He's got nearly 7K views.



What makes a successful video? I like to think it's content, creativity, a small push from a few people and maybe a bit of luck. With any luck and a small push from a few of you, I will beat Tim Wilson and Devo Dude in no time.

Then the world will buy the song and Tim's Nashville corporate lawyers will come calling, seeking copyright infringement money, to which I will reply, "Bite me. Owned the domain since 2003. Blogging under the name since 2006. Whereas your song was published in 2009. Who is infringing upon whom?" Or, "Upon whom is infringement being perpetrated?" Or, "This infringement you speak of, dear sirs, is wholly mine to claim! DON'T TREAD ON ME!" And then I will wave my snake-flag and call some local TV stations. Tell me, lawyers, do I have a case?

But it's not like the phrase is unique anymore anyway. Author and Roboticist Daniel Wilson (Another Wilson?) came to me years ago hoping to buy the domain for his book, which has the same title as this blog. I told him, "No. Why don't you register 'Where IS My Jetpack' instead?" Which he promptly did.

After the lawyers go away in sheepish defeat, (compensating me out-of-court for the pain, suffering and loss of potential wages) I will then maybe let Tim open for me at a show or two, provided he doesn't sing his Jetpack song.

If You Don't Buy This, The Terrorists Win

Click it to buy it.

Having a million-selling* single online can be a heady thing if you're not ready for it, but as I've learned from watching and studying Justin Bieber, it's important that guys like Justin and I maintain our grounded, down-to-earth coolness in the face of all this sudden wealth and fame. I am still the same me, only with tons and tons of cash and servants and exotic cars and a private jet and sushi whenever I demand it, prepared by my personal chef, who, if she doesn't get her act together, will find herself my former personal chef. (The ad clearly said: "Must be able to make sushi with leanings toward the California School expected. Sushi tools NOT provided!")

At the same time, it's discouraging that not everyone in the world has bought a copy yet. I know there are, like, starving people in other countries who can't afford the 99¢ because they have to eat or something, so maybe you can buy an extra copy and send it to them?

As I said before, you can hate the hell out of it. I don't care. Just buy it.

* I won't know for another month or two how it's doing at iTunes. The distributor, CD Baby, says, "Apple sends us the monthly report about 4-6 weeks after the month is finished. Meaning: you won't see your September sales until the first week of November." 

At 99¢, There's No Way You Can Lose

Or: 

What Do I Need to Do to Get This Song on Your iPod TODAY?

(Lemme hit you with some heavy sales copy. It's a hard sell, and you're locked in the room until you agree.)

I remember reading a story years ago about the rhythm guitarist for an American band who bought a mansion based off his royalties from a single song-writing credit. It was a good song; a popular song. That's the American dream, isn't it? (Or one of them, anyway. The other one involves working real hard, scraping and clawing your way from mailroom clerk to CEO in 50 years, but I don't have the time or the patience for that route.) And while most musicians today will tell you that you can't possibly make a living from music anymore, I will, with your help, defy those naysayers. I intend to live that dream today, but I probably won't buy a mansion. I'll just get my roof replaced and maybe install a new toilet in the master bath. And I'm going to do it in 99¢ increments. (Actually 60 to 70¢ increments after CDBaby takes their cut.)

What is 99¢ to you? You give 99¢ to the barista at Starbucks because she got your coffee right. You give 99¢ per bag (even though the going rate is $2) to the guy at the airport curb who schlepped your bags the few yards you were too lazy to walk. You give 99¢ to the hotdog vendor outside The Home Depot because you saw the tip jar and felt guilty walking away without adding to it. You give 99¢ to your state's lottery every week. And what do you have to show for any of those 99¢ donations? NOTHING! I give you a song that will last forever in your iPod. I give you Music. I give you Eternity!

The song I'm selling, "Where's My Jetpack?" was described by the first person who bought it, a gentleman from Edmonton, Alberta, as, "An anthem for a generation." He went on to say, "It's been stuck in my head for weeks! I think this is a truly great tune. You really have something here. The world needs to have this song!" (I am not lying, and I do not know this generous, if delusional man, but it was his unexpected encouragement that prompted me to upload the song.) Now, can you afford to be left out on an anthem? I don't want to see that happen to you, and neither do your parents. Or your children. Don't let  them down. As the man said, The World needs to have this song. That giant demographic includes you, my friend. And your parents. And your children. Think of the children.

How many blogs do you read that have their own theme song? Very few, I'm sure. That alone is worth a 99¢ tip! So, I'll tell ya what I'll do! I'll let you have the song after you tip me 99¢!

And it really doesn't matter if you hate the song. What percentage of the music on your iPod do you hate? Maybe 30%? I have songs on my iPod I will NEVER listen to. What's one more? And what do you expect for 99¢ anyway? So what if it's not your favorite genre or style? Expand your palate! Broaden your horizons!

Think of it this way: You're at Dollar Night at your favorite sushi place. You've tried all sorts of exotic pieces and then you say to your companions, "Let's try the sea urchin! It's only $1!" And so you try it and resolve to never, ever eat sea urchin again. You're only out $1 and you learned a valuable lesson about sea urchin. And if you happen to be among the few hundred people worldwide who like sea urchin, is the sushi place going to let you order more of it without paying? That's the difference between me and your sushi place. If you like this song, you get to keep listening to it FOREVER! FOR FREE! This bargain is the biggest no-brainer in the history of earth.

So, what I need you to do right now is make yourself one of the many, many millions who are this very minute going to iTunes to buy the song I'm selling. Once you've done that, and this is KEY - make sure EVERYONE YOU KNOW on Twitter and Facebook buys it, too. And yes, even that gross guy you barely remember from middle school whose friend request you regret accepting because he keeps sending you creepy private messages. Once this chain spans the globe, I expect messages on my Facebook saying, "Dude, I know you don't remember me, but you REALLY NEED TO BUY THIS SONG ON iTUNES."

Not an iTunes user? You can buy it directly from CDBaby.

(And I'd prefer not to hear from the audiophiles about the production quality. Considering I used an old Kay guitar plugged into an aging HP, some drum programming and a Radio Shack headset microphone, I think it passes. Remember, it's only 99¢ you're about to spend. Don't be a sound snob.)

I'd like to tell you that a certain percentage of your 99¢ will go toward some do-gooder program that provides mosquito nets while improving the literacy rate among transgendered baby seals in the rain forest, but it won't. It's all mine after iTunes and CDBaby take their cut. I am counting on you to make me disgustingly rich from a song that doesn't deserve the attention it's about to get. This happens all the time. Bieber, anyone? OK, Bobby McFarrin?

As with most music, it sounds better if you're listening to it loud while drinking an adult beverage. Or perhaps smoking something that might be legal in some states as long as you call it "medicine."

And if you're still too stingy with your measly little dollar, go here and steal the song for free. You punkass pirate bastard.

And then watch the video.

By Request: Where's My Jetpack - Audio Track Only

Stereophonic sound, commonly called stereo, is the reproduction of sound using two or more independent audio channels through a symmetrical configuration of loudspeakers in such a way as to create the impression of sound heard from various directions, as in natural hearing.

Now dig to the groovy sounds of what some critics have called "Beck on Robitussin."

And remember kids, illegal drugs are not cool. Why do you think they call it "dope"?

"Encore Performance" is TV-Speak for "Filler"

The onset of Autumn used to mean the start of the new TV season. That slight shift in the wind and the temperature went hand in hand with back to school shopping, a new season of football, new shows on TV and the end of the reruns. But now, it's all up in the air and all over the map. Mad Men started airing its new season in late July. The new season of True Blood is almost over. Those of us eagerly waiting for a new season of Eastbound and Down have been waiting for more than a year. I think SNL and House might be on the old time schedule, but I don't know anymore. I guess that's why we have DVRs now.

That was all just an excuse to show you a rerun of a video I made a few months ago. Jason Fox, an excellent copywriter from Dallas, sent me a DM on Twitter yesterday. We had an exchange that went something like this: Actually, it went exactly like this:

So that made me think, "Damn, maybe that video and song only has 681 views because it just got lost in the shuffle - not because it sucks balls and people were afraid to tell me so. Maybe what it needs is an 'encore performance' here on the blog to kick-start it to life and get it out there a little better."

So without further delay, an encore performance of "Where's My Jetpack?" an original video of an original song by me.



First aired Sunday, April 11, 2010.

The Copywriter's Song

It could be a rap, I suppose. Feel free. As for now, it's just words. Posted this before, so if you've seen it, please be patient and allow the new kids time to catch up.

Sell to win – there is no sin
Grab ‘em by the heart – that’s the start
Grab ‘em by the ears - prey on their fears
Get into their soul - get a hold

You’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re nowhere near sexy
You’re old, you’re dying, you’re sick inside
You’re a loser, you’re bald, you’re lacking something real
and you’re just plain stupid if you turn down this deal

Hear that cha-ching? – the register rings
Quota was made – we play in the shade
Palms are greased – space is leased
The clients sing – sales is the thing

You’re dumb, you’re lacking, your husband doesn’t love you
You’re slow, you’re dated, you’re a sad excuse
You’re worthless, uncool, can’t you recognize what’s real?
We thought you were smarter when we offered this deal

Fine print is small – don’t read it all
It says what it must – as if you can’t trust
Would I lie to you? Would I tell you untrue?
If I can get in – give it just the right spin
I sell apples to Eve – and make her believe

that she’s a failure, a victim, she needs her eyes opened
Her man’s a pansy, substandard, and lacking in size
She’s wrinkled, small-breasted, bad lover, mother, wife
until she buys this thing to revolutionize her life

You’re a mark, a pigeon, a sucker, easy target
You’re insecure, unsure and afraid of the truth
You’re a dummy, firm believer, an always-open wallet
You’d sell your body, your soul, or whatever you call it

Presenting: "Where's My Jetpack?" The Song and The Video

Or: Unemployment Will Make a Man do Weird Things, Part III.

I've put together a song - and a video to go along with it, and I really like how they both turned out. (You're free not to.) It's called, not surprisingly, "Where's My Jetpack?" I went ahead and created a jetpack of sorts for this video. Don't try this at home. Or do. It was a load of fun.

Much thanks go to the phenomenally talented Professor Fred Leo, musician extraordinaire, for his expert advice during the creation of the audio track.


Enjoy...or don't.

Where's My Jetpack? from Radio Free Babylon on Vimeo.

Using the Facebook Vimeo embed here since the sound quality of YouTube leaves much to be desired.

Also, any perceived homage to ancient rockers from Boston is entirely intentional. Best to turn it up loud.  

Band Names from Google News

Volume XXVI, Number 5, likely.

How you ever gonna get the labels to notice you, little rebels, if you can't even garner a measly following on MySpace or Facebook? Here's the trick: you need to name yourself something unique. And don't just look around your apartment and see something and try to make a band name out of it, because "Girlfriend's Hairbrush" or "Empty Cat Food Can" are just lame names for your group. Go to Google News. There is a daily trove of possibilities waiting for you. Like today. Click the name to see what inspired it.

• The Dry Eyes
• Chocolate Love
• Bubba's Heart
• Raising Eyebrows
• The Buzz Biffs
• Immediate Withdrawal
• Crippled By Desire

For more in this series, see here.

Band Names From Google News (The Reunion Tour)

A formerly popular feature on this blog was "Band Names from Google News" (See here for the archives) in which I conduct a cursory glance of Google news headlines and come up with names for your fledgling act that is currently wowing the kids over at MySpace.

I thought I'd bring it back, at least for a day. Below are the names gathered from today's headlines, with links to the stories that inspired the names.

• Dark Side of Funny (link)
• Up To The Hype (link)
• Some Immunity (link)
• Plastic Logic (link)
• Elvis Birthday (link)
• The Genius Scandal (link)
• Wholesale Power Trade (link)

And speaking of MySpace, check out these punks from Scotland. (Thanks, @everysandwich.)

Band Names from Google News

A neglected feature, now nearing 200 entries, for all you post-punk-neo-soul-ska-garage-death-speed-alt-pop-emo-hair-scene-scream-hip-R&B-hop-heavy-Americana artists seeking a catchy name for your group/act. Or maybe you just need to rebrand. Your name was cool a few years ago, but maybe "Black Socks Bedroom Floor" was a little too out there.

The gist: scan Google News headlines and find names that would evoke intrigue and prompt the teeming masses to buy your shirts, wear your hats, attend your shows and maybe, just maybe, make you a profit. (With links to the actual news items.)

Increasingly Perilous
The Meat Plants
Leaked Memo
A Year in Prison
Doggy Damage
Ready to Cooperate
Their Own Monarchs

Here are 186 other choices.

Nope - Ain't Seen No Jetpacks Yet

In the last couple of days, I've had friends send me messages via Facebook, Twitter and email regarding this story from The Wall Street Journal. It's very similar to a story done in July of last year by The New York Times—and it's the same old story, "Everyone wants a jetpack - but jetpacks suck really bad right now."

Because of the title of this blog, I've been quoted in a book about Jetpacks.

There's another book about Jetpacks whose title is the same as this blog. (I was first.)

And there will also always be crappy jetpack announcements from starry-eyed inventors. But none of the jetpacks fly very far for very long, they're usually tethered, and they're usually priced at about $250,000.

When I was in 2nd grade, I checked out a tattered old book from the Fort Lewis, Washington Elementary School Library called Skyjets for Fliers of Tomorrow. It told the tale of two kids who got mail-order flight suits and went flying around their town, visited their grandma and were home in time for dinner. (Images on this post from that book.) I guess that book started me wishing I could fly, but it's really an ancient and universal dream - personal flight. And it hasn't happened yet. Not to any satisfactory degree, anyway. I mean, who wants to fly only over a lake tethered to a giant hose sucking water from the lake?


The only way I will stop asking the question “Where’s My Jetpack?” is when jetpacks are affordable to common clowns like you and me and will safely convey us to and from our places of employment or the grocery store. It would also be nice if they didn’t sound like F-18s at full throttle and could fly for longer than a couple minutes on a tank of fuel. Another real benefit would be if they were available at Wal-Mart. I want them easy enough to operate that my Mom could handle one.

But more than that, the question “Where’s My Jetpack?” is at its heart a joke. The jetpack is simply a symbol of all the other things that were supposed to be here by now, promised to us by the advertisers, by Disney, by the government and all the other dreamers. As it says over in the sidebar under “Bascially...”: “The future is now, and we’re still waiting.”

It's all explained in the lyrics to this blog's theme song.

UPDATE: And Hanna points out in the comments that Quaker just launched - haha - get it? "launched" - sorry - a campaign featuring a Jimmy Fallon lookalike wearing a Quaker Oats jetpack.

A Strong and Simple Beat (That You Can Dance To)

Apple is pretty savvy when it comes to selecting hook-laden tunes for their iPhone ads. Well, let's face it: Apple is pretty savvy when it comes to everything. I prefer this upbeat number on their spots to the more subdued, hippie work of Orba Squara.

The Submarines: You, Me & the Bourgeoisie.



Call it "selling out", but a band can be made by commercials. From Spoon for Jaguar to Of Montreal for Outback Steakhouse, it's a double-dipping good deal: licensing and royalties for your music, then people hearing your music and wondering who you are and seeking out more. You gotta wonder how many people after seeing this ancient Rice Krispies commercial wondered, "I wonder who's playing that song?" Is J. Walter Thompson the devil who bought Mick's soul? Perhaps.

Can't afford some about-to-blow-up band's cool music on your less-than-Apple budget? Short custom compositions that set the proper mood for your production are a great way to go.

Band Names from Google News

Time to revive that old series (it's been over two months since the last installment) wherein I invent seven names for your fledgling musical group based on today's headlines from Google News.

• Serena Slams Safina
• Issues of the Middle Class
• The War Children
• Logic Bomb
• Heatwave Chaos
• Eight Times The Ethical Questions
• Super Bowl Jesus

Here are 179 more.

This Is What It's Like

My co-workers are leaving early with well-wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving. My blogger friends post the same nice tidings. My Twitter feed is full of turkey talk and expressions of thanks, while we all look forward to a weekend of football and food. (Go Gators.)

Our lives often suck, but they could be worse.

And so, from the bottom of the pan of candied yams, where the sticky-sweet goo of brown sugar and marshmallows pool, I give you this syrupy, thankful lyric.

(There is no music yet, except in my head, so you're free to set these verses in your mind to whatever genre/beat pleases you.)

This Is What It's Like

From the forthcoming project Time's New Romans

What’s that shine in your eye?
yeah, you’re such a good spy
Have you been getting high?
I like the way you move
Slinky—with a groove
Not a thing you need to prove

So if the world stopped now
has it been a good ride?
Could you get off happy?
Did you have a good time?
And if it all ends tonight
would you die with regret?
Was there something you wanted?
Was there something unmet?

Well I’m glad you’re not let down
and I’m glad you can see
that this is what it’s like

to be happy

And if the money don’t show
and the car won’t go
and the dream is moving slow
Take a walk ‘round the block
Stop and take stock
Just listen—try not to talk

And you know it makes sense
to be at home in the stream
not looking past the trees
but living the dream
And when you’re going with the current
you expect to get wet
Keep your head above water
‘cause we’re not there yet

Well I’m glad you’re not let down
and I’m glad you can see
that this is what it’s like
This is what it’s like
This is what it’s like

to be happy

©2008 Radio Free Babylon. All Rights Reserved. For Whatever That's Worth.

More Thanksgiving thoughts over here.

Band Names from Google News

Bringing back an old feature, wherein I invent names for your fledgling musical group based on today's headlines, with explanations in footnotes.

Here are 172 more.

• Keep Your Chair¹
• Space Station Lube²
• Super Tanker Pirate³
• Too Sick to Travel⁴
• Cuban Cubs⁵
• Gorillas and Guerillas⁶
• Cool to Amnesty⁷

1. Democrats tell Lieberman to shut up and do as he's told and keep his silly little chairmanship of whatever, which they will strip him of as soon as he steps out of line.
2. Astronauts are doing an oil change on the International Space Station.
3. A Saudi oil tanker is being hijacked off Somalia.
4. Michael Jackson's doctor says he can't make it to some court case, even though you know he ran to Macy's when he heard "boys pants are half-off."
5. Mark "Asshole" Cuban was trying to buy the Chicago Cubs.
6. Somewhere in that giant country of Africa, I think in the Congo, a bunch of rebel fighters are messing with the habitat of some precious endangered species.
7. US not so sure they want to grant immunity to a Taliban guy.

Feeling Like You

It's Not All Snark and Smug Scorn at Where's My Jetpack?

This was the scene at an Orange County Public Library on my way home this evening. Voters standing in line in the late afternoon Autumn sun, a kaleidoscope of American colors. I had to pull over and take a few pictures. (And add my two cents worth in verse. Click images for larger.)


From the forthcoming Telegraph Canyon

Feeling Like You

When in the course of human events
it becomes quite evident
that something’s happening
well, that's just fine
Water's well past the floodline

I won’t care and why should you
And besides, what could we do
The shine got dull
That's not a crime
The moment is here and now's the time

Yeah, there’s something in the air
It’s like fall all the time
Crisp, clear, brisk and bright
Sun dancing on the shore in a festival of lights

If we can stand the picked-up pace
Maybe we can find some grace
We know the way
We’ll be on time
and I'll trust you to read the signs

When in sight of things so clear
I know you can’t care to fear
Winds of change
won’t block the sunshine
It's theirs and ours - It's yours and mine

Yeah, there’s something in the air
It’s like autumn all the time
When the world’s 3D and layered deep
Clouds marching for the shoreline like they’re walking in their sleep

Band Names from Google News - with Footnotes

If I've told you once, I've told you at least 21 times. In a world of never ending replication, where one angst-filled band sounds exactly like the next one, you need more than tight jeans with white belts to set yourselves apart. You need more than clever rhymes and poseur street-smarts. You need more than a MySpace account and black t-shirts. More than even a gimmicky haircut and carefully applied eye makeup. You need a name. You need a brand. Allow me to help. These possible band names come from this morning's headlines on Google News. The links at bottom will take you to the stories from which the names come.

• Dark Turn¹
• Statement from a Dog²
• Bad Lonely Schoolboys³
• Scandalous Dairy⁴
• Amid Uncertainty⁵
• Fair Flynn⁶
• The Animals Engineered⁷

1. Condoleezza Rice says Russia has taken a dark turn.
2. The Georgia Bulldogs need to make a statement.
3. Schoolboy Islamist jailed for two years.
4. China dairy ordered milk off shelves.
5. Malaysia's #2 leader delays trip amid uncertainty.
6. Former Boston Mayor Raymond Flynn in fair condition.
7. FDA releases guidelines for genetically engineered animals.

Here are 165 more.

Band Names From Google News

You set up your MySpace music site. You uploaded your logo to Cafe Press. Your sister and your cousin are telling all their friends to download your sure-to-be-a-smash-hit song "Second Lunch Kiss," and you and your bandmates have all bought really tight low riding girl jeans and white belts, even the chubby bassist, who looks really stupid in them. But for whatever reason, the big label deal hasn't arrived yet. Maybe it's because your band's name just isn't touching the masses. Sure, it's obscure and mysterious, but you might need to consider a new one. I offer you these, based on today's headlines at Google News.

• Forty-Five Year Dream
• Here Comes Gustav
• Desperation Prevails
• Safe Passage
• Arson House
• Jail For Mom
• Tequila Nightmare

Here are 158 more.

Band Names from Google News

It's that time of the week, (been a few weeks, sorry) when I give you a replacement name for your struggling musical act based on today's headlines at Google News.

• Hurtful Handshake
• Beijing Lip Sync
• 100-Meter Butterfly
• Bigfoot Buzz
• Trickle Back Home
• Ko Lin Pow
• Mark Penn & the Wolf Sons

Here are 151 more.

Eight Eight Eight

If you turned this day upside down
it would still be the same
And when you look at it sideways
it goes on without end
and what is a game
played between enemies
anyway
but a metaphor for war

The rain outside blows sideways
trash cans are turned upside down
There are things to do again today
that we do without end
And what is a game
played between friends
once again
but a metaphor for harmony

Please celebrate our triumph
Feel free to wince when we fall
and do try to mind your tongues
We love the gold, the spoils of war
and turning worlds upside down
and what is a war fought overseas
to me
just the game we play