The 70s - When Laziness Really Got Going

Our house was built in 1979. Apparently in those days, a "must-have" feature in a house in this neighborhood was an intercom system. This is the last one, out on the patio, that I have yet to remove. All four bedrooms had one that I've pulled from the wall, leaving giant boxy holes. They're not repaired yet, just covered with framed pictures, and I suppose they could make great wall safes someday. The "master unit" of this system was in the kitchen, where you could make all the rooms listen to a radio station if you chose. All the units could speak to each other and answer a caller at the door. Now mind you, the house is not that large, which makes the need to talk to someone in the next room via an intercom seem a little ridiculous.

"Dinner's ready!" the mother of this house in 1979 would intone quietly from the kitchen intercom to her children in the far, far reaches of the 2,200 square foot space, then she'd let the Top 40 station continue playing into their rooms. Dad out at the pool on Saturday would hear the doorbell chime. Then he'd grab a towel and instead of just peeking in the patio door through the living room and into the foyer to see the caller at the door, he'd push the "talk" button on the intercom and say, "Yes? Hello?" After no response, Dad would say into the intercom, "You have to push the talk button to talk, then release it to listen." Then they'd talk over each other a little and finally Dad, frustrated, would go answer the door. It was probably the Jehovah's Witnesses. And late at night when the parents were asleep, younger brother could call his older brother in the next room and whisper, "I know you have marijuana. I'm gonna tell if you don't give me some."

I was looking at this stupid contraption on the patio with detached bemusement, disdaining anyone who ever used it, wondering what sort of idiots ever put it to use more than once, just to see the novelty of it. Then I remembered that I've been guilty of calling my own children to the table by texting "dinner" to their phones. And now I'm thinking I might not remove this one. It's sort of a museum piece to me at this point, a relic from another era, a reminder that as we grow more advanced, finding new ways to make life easier, we sacrifice a little something, usually some human interaction, with each forward step.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

Is This Thing On?

Some will not have noticed I was gone, but it’s been a few months since I put this blog on what I called “indefinite hiatus.” I took a leave from what started to become a burden, that of entertaining you ungrateful and slothful people who are supposed to be working, but instead troll the wires looking for laughs and oddities, anything but that dreaded task you’re supposed to be toiling over, the one that saps your soul and makes you long for a real job; something like a lumberjack or a crab fisherman. But then you remember there’s no WiFi out in the middle of the North Pacific and you settle back into your dimly lit cube, with your Starbucks and your iTunes and your Bose® | QuietComfort® Acoustic Noise Cancelling® headphones and you say to yourself, “Life could be worse. I guess. Whatever.”

When we last parted, I was seeking full-time work and I needed a roof. Since then, I found a serviceable assignment as a contractor with a large corporation specializing in hospitality and travel. (There is little else here in Orlando.) This assignment enabled me to get that roof. Now we don’t cringe every time it starts raining at Casa de Jetpacks. But style guides and communication guidelines don’t often leave much room for thinking outside the PDF, so I kept busy on some other side interests. If you follow me on Twitter, you’re familiar with my series "Coffee with Jesus", (54 of those to date), Saturated Street Scenes (the latest is called "Pinche Gringos - Cozumel, Mexico"), and hopefully with other aspects of what is happening at Radio Free Babylon, an 11-year old endeavor/passion/mission that I’ve always fantasized would someday employ not only me, but hundreds of thousands of people across the globe. (Not really, just me.) To date, I think we sold a mug on cafepress once.

The contract mentioned above is expiring, they told me this morning, in early August. They have hired a full-time staff employee. They would like for me to train my replacement. I’m thinking of training her all wrong. There are other irons in the fire, and as I wait for them to heat up, I thought it was a good time to fire up the old jetpack blog and see if it had any kick left for me. I already like it again, I think. (And I'm blogging from work! Shhhhh!)

So, put this blog back in your RSS readers if you deleted it, like RFB on Facebook, Link-In with me and comment here when something pleases you or pisses you off. We writers are a needy lot, just like anyone else who makes their living in the “arts.” Designers, musicians, actors, hell – even jugglers and mimes – we all crave that little morsel of recognition. You don’t get paid to blog in most instances and you can’t hear any applause or booing, so comments are like the little fish tossed to the trained seal at Sea World. (Sorry, I meant SeaWorld® Theme Park.)

If you have actual little fish to toss my way, send me an email and I’ll give you my address.

Post Number 2000

I've tried to make this blog more about quality than quantity. It has been for me, above all, a creative outlet, because we all know how hard it is to actually be creative, even in a supposedly creative industry. (As I tell every "creative," keep a real creative passion on the side just to keep you sane, because you will never fully satisfy your need to create through your work.) 

And with that, I'm putting this blog on indefinite hiatus. It's been a fun four and a half years, but it's time to do some other things. I need to sell a book, or write another couple. I need to land a full-time job*. Or get a degree in architecture. Maybe I'll record some more music. Maybe I'll put a little more effort into some other neglected endeavors. Maybe I'll clean out the attic. It's good to reinvent yourself. Just ask Bowie.

I will still be on Twitter and probably still posting things at Radio Free Babylon. And I might bring this blog back to its regular posting frequency after I've had some time to miss it. As I said, it's a hiatus.

* If you need a résumé, just search the archives of this blog and you'll get a good idea of what I do. I'm entertaining all offers east of the Mississippi. If you still want to play the old-school game of "objective, experience, education," find me on Linked-In.

Testimonials (From Your Family) Don't Lie

The people who know you best can be your worst critics, so when I read this, I was sorta pleased. My oldest sister, a former Washington journalist turned DC PR pro (writing runs in the family) sent me this email late last night:

Hey:

Long ago I downloaded your jetpack song from iTunes (think it was from iTunes), but never got a chance to listen to it. So I'm going
through the house doing my chores with my iPod on, and then this song comes on and I'm thinking, "That has a nice beat. I like it." Then I'm sort of dancing to it while doing my chores. And it wasn't until halfway through I realized -- it was you!

Do more.

Dana

In other words, "I was quite surprised that my little brother made a song that I like. Usually when he comes up here, I'm trying to grab the guitar from him and make him stop his raucous jamming on my acoustic, which was built for sweet melodies and sincere songs." 

So, be like my sister and dance while doing your chores. Or whistle while you work. Whatever. I'm far short of paying for a new roof with the proceeds from your purchases, so get busy.

You want a harder sell? Like, the hardest sell ever? See here.

And when you're done doing that, go "Like" the group on Facebook.

And yes, I'm doing more.

Lady in Red, Men in Black

I long ago vowed that I would never open a Cafe Press shop. Today, I break that vow. First two designs are up, with more to come. (And likely also an intrusively loud sidebar banner on this blog that tries to guilt you into shopping.)

Rocket to the Moon and Race Right Back

To my holograph room and my new jetpack

Jetpacks are in the news of late, thanks to some Fox News hosts getting duped by Weekly World News. The verdict, here from the Mythbusters guys appearing last night on Countdown with Keith Olbermann, is that no, we won't see any jetpacks anytime soon. Yeah, I thought I said that already.

I love how the folks who developed this behemoth, screaming jetpack claim it will fly for 30 minutes at 63 mph, but you never see it flying for more than a few seconds, and always hovering at about four feet off the ground. And this is Martin's second go-round with a PR push. The first one (over two years ago) didn't generate enough buzz, I guess. Maybe because this was and still is a shitty jetpack.

With all this jetpack news, you'd think a radio station, commercial producer or someone should be playing or licensing my song at this point. 

I Can't Believe This Guy Is Beating Me by 59 Thousand

And with your help, he won't be much longer.

Tim Wilson. Never heard of him, but he's one of those country singers who throws in the F-word on his song and it's a success. "Ha-ha! He said, 'Where the Fuck is My Jetpack?'" and his song has over sixty-thousand views on YouTube.



By contrast, here is what I find to be a far superior song, and instead of just a picture of the smiling singer/songwriter you get an actual video, and this video is only sitting at about 1,200 views. (And between you and me, these lyrics are way better.)



Now granted, Mr. Wilson has a major label behind him and he tours regularly, whereas I write a small blog with a low readership and dabble in music from a computer in my bedroom, so I suppose it's only natural that the number of views for his song should surpass mine. Nevermind that he probably stole the line from me.

I would like to someday beat Tim Wilson on YouTube. Another person I'd like to beat is this dude, whose Kraftwerk/Devo/Cars sounding Jetpack video is just...well, you decide. He's got nearly 7K views.



What makes a successful video? I like to think it's content, creativity, a small push from a few people and maybe a bit of luck. With any luck and a small push from a few of you, I will beat Tim Wilson and Devo Dude in no time.

Then the world will buy the song and Tim's Nashville corporate lawyers will come calling, seeking copyright infringement money, to which I will reply, "Bite me. Owned the domain since 2003. Blogging under the name since 2006. Whereas your song was published in 2009. Who is infringing upon whom?" Or, "Upon whom is infringement being perpetrated?" Or, "This infringement you speak of, dear sirs, is wholly mine to claim! DON'T TREAD ON ME!" And then I will wave my snake-flag and call some local TV stations. Tell me, lawyers, do I have a case?

But it's not like the phrase is unique anymore anyway. Author and Roboticist Daniel Wilson (Another Wilson?) came to me years ago hoping to buy the domain for his book, which has the same title as this blog. I told him, "No. Why don't you register 'Where IS My Jetpack' instead?" Which he promptly did.

After the lawyers go away in sheepish defeat, (compensating me out-of-court for the pain, suffering and loss of potential wages) I will then maybe let Tim open for me at a show or two, provided he doesn't sing his Jetpack song.

Promotional Poster

Saw a cool picture via NVC over at "A Conversation on Cool" where James Dean is about to hurt Rock Hudson's balls on the set of Giant.

Major Mike Adams thought he'd beam in and witness it.

In the Year 2552, Jetpacks are Commonplace

And they fly for all of 10 seconds. And they're still noisy as fuck.

Tim Nudd over at AdFreak points out that the Tuesday launch of Halo:Reach included a stunt in London's Trafalgar Square involving a jetpack.



Surprise! It's the same, lame jetpack that stunters have been using since the 1946 SuperBowl. Yawn. Nice job, Microsoft/Xbox. You have executed a worn-out stunt in promotion of your new game. And all the traditional media people you invited went, "Wooooo!" [clap-clap-clap]

What? SuperBowl wasn't around in 1946? Oh. Sorry. But that jetpack was. This shtick is old, it's lame, and it doesn't answer the question this blog's title asks. (Or, for that matter, the question asked by this blog's music video. Or this blog's theme song.)

Rent your next loud, brief jetpack stunt from this dude. Invite drunken journalists. They will be in awe.

At 99¢, There's No Way You Can Lose

Or: 

What Do I Need to Do to Get This Song on Your iPod TODAY?

(Lemme hit you with some heavy sales copy. It's a hard sell, and you're locked in the room until you agree.)

I remember reading a story years ago about the rhythm guitarist for an American band who bought a mansion based off his royalties from a single song-writing credit. It was a good song; a popular song. That's the American dream, isn't it? (Or one of them, anyway. The other one involves working real hard, scraping and clawing your way from mailroom clerk to CEO in 50 years, but I don't have the time or the patience for that route.) And while most musicians today will tell you that you can't possibly make a living from music anymore, I will, with your help, defy those naysayers. I intend to live that dream today, but I probably won't buy a mansion. I'll just get my roof replaced and maybe install a new toilet in the master bath. And I'm going to do it in 99¢ increments. (Actually 60 to 70¢ increments after CDBaby takes their cut.)

What is 99¢ to you? You give 99¢ to the barista at Starbucks because she got your coffee right. You give 99¢ per bag (even though the going rate is $2) to the guy at the airport curb who schlepped your bags the few yards you were too lazy to walk. You give 99¢ to the hotdog vendor outside The Home Depot because you saw the tip jar and felt guilty walking away without adding to it. You give 99¢ to your state's lottery every week. And what do you have to show for any of those 99¢ donations? NOTHING! I give you a song that will last forever in your iPod. I give you Music. I give you Eternity!

The song I'm selling, "Where's My Jetpack?" was described by the first person who bought it, a gentleman from Edmonton, Alberta, as, "An anthem for a generation." He went on to say, "It's been stuck in my head for weeks! I think this is a truly great tune. You really have something here. The world needs to have this song!" (I am not lying, and I do not know this generous, if delusional man, but it was his unexpected encouragement that prompted me to upload the song.) Now, can you afford to be left out on an anthem? I don't want to see that happen to you, and neither do your parents. Or your children. Don't let  them down. As the man said, The World needs to have this song. That giant demographic includes you, my friend. And your parents. And your children. Think of the children.

How many blogs do you read that have their own theme song? Very few, I'm sure. That alone is worth a 99¢ tip! So, I'll tell ya what I'll do! I'll let you have the song after you tip me 99¢!

And it really doesn't matter if you hate the song. What percentage of the music on your iPod do you hate? Maybe 30%? I have songs on my iPod I will NEVER listen to. What's one more? And what do you expect for 99¢ anyway? So what if it's not your favorite genre or style? Expand your palate! Broaden your horizons!

Think of it this way: You're at Dollar Night at your favorite sushi place. You've tried all sorts of exotic pieces and then you say to your companions, "Let's try the sea urchin! It's only $1!" And so you try it and resolve to never, ever eat sea urchin again. You're only out $1 and you learned a valuable lesson about sea urchin. And if you happen to be among the few hundred people worldwide who like sea urchin, is the sushi place going to let you order more of it without paying? That's the difference between me and your sushi place. If you like this song, you get to keep listening to it FOREVER! FOR FREE! This bargain is the biggest no-brainer in the history of earth.

So, what I need you to do right now is make yourself one of the many, many millions who are this very minute going to iTunes to buy the song I'm selling. Once you've done that, and this is KEY - make sure EVERYONE YOU KNOW on Twitter and Facebook buys it, too. And yes, even that gross guy you barely remember from middle school whose friend request you regret accepting because he keeps sending you creepy private messages. Once this chain spans the globe, I expect messages on my Facebook saying, "Dude, I know you don't remember me, but you REALLY NEED TO BUY THIS SONG ON iTUNES."

Not an iTunes user? You can buy it directly from CDBaby.

(And I'd prefer not to hear from the audiophiles about the production quality. Considering I used an old Kay guitar plugged into an aging HP, some drum programming and a Radio Shack headset microphone, I think it passes. Remember, it's only 99¢ you're about to spend. Don't be a sound snob.)

I'd like to tell you that a certain percentage of your 99¢ will go toward some do-gooder program that provides mosquito nets while improving the literacy rate among transgendered baby seals in the rain forest, but it won't. It's all mine after iTunes and CDBaby take their cut. I am counting on you to make me disgustingly rich from a song that doesn't deserve the attention it's about to get. This happens all the time. Bieber, anyone? OK, Bobby McFarrin?

As with most music, it sounds better if you're listening to it loud while drinking an adult beverage. Or perhaps smoking something that might be legal in some states as long as you call it "medicine."

And if you're still too stingy with your measly little dollar, go here and steal the song for free. You punkass pirate bastard.

And then watch the video.

By Request: Where's My Jetpack - Audio Track Only

Stereophonic sound, commonly called stereo, is the reproduction of sound using two or more independent audio channels through a symmetrical configuration of loudspeakers in such a way as to create the impression of sound heard from various directions, as in natural hearing.

Now dig to the groovy sounds of what some critics have called "Beck on Robitussin."

And remember kids, illegal drugs are not cool. Why do you think they call it "dope"?

"Encore Performance" is TV-Speak for "Filler"

The onset of Autumn used to mean the start of the new TV season. That slight shift in the wind and the temperature went hand in hand with back to school shopping, a new season of football, new shows on TV and the end of the reruns. But now, it's all up in the air and all over the map. Mad Men started airing its new season in late July. The new season of True Blood is almost over. Those of us eagerly waiting for a new season of Eastbound and Down have been waiting for more than a year. I think SNL and House might be on the old time schedule, but I don't know anymore. I guess that's why we have DVRs now.

That was all just an excuse to show you a rerun of a video I made a few months ago. Jason Fox, an excellent copywriter from Dallas, sent me a DM on Twitter yesterday. We had an exchange that went something like this: Actually, it went exactly like this:

So that made me think, "Damn, maybe that video and song only has 681 views because it just got lost in the shuffle - not because it sucks balls and people were afraid to tell me so. Maybe what it needs is an 'encore performance' here on the blog to kick-start it to life and get it out there a little better."

So without further delay, an encore performance of "Where's My Jetpack?" an original video of an original song by me.



First aired Sunday, April 11, 2010.

Hey, Will Ferrell - A Little Shout Out Next Time?

In a recent Wired spread called "The Future That Never Happened," Will Ferrell does everything except shout "Where's My Jetpack?" proving how much he loves and appreciates my blog.

Mr. Ferrell, I know a guy named Ronnie who has a movie proposal for you.




Thanks to MMMMMMMMcDermott for the heads-up.

Monorails and Sky Trams

(El clicko, por favor.)

Presenting: "Where's My Jetpack?" The Song and The Video

Or: Unemployment Will Make a Man do Weird Things, Part III.

I've put together a song - and a video to go along with it, and I really like how they both turned out. (You're free not to.) It's called, not surprisingly, "Where's My Jetpack?" I went ahead and created a jetpack of sorts for this video. Don't try this at home. Or do. It was a load of fun.

Much thanks go to the phenomenally talented Professor Fred Leo, musician extraordinaire, for his expert advice during the creation of the audio track.


Enjoy...or don't.

Where's My Jetpack? from Radio Free Babylon on Vimeo.

Using the Facebook Vimeo embed here since the sound quality of YouTube leaves much to be desired.

Also, any perceived homage to ancient rockers from Boston is entirely intentional. Best to turn it up loud.  

131 Down - 3 To Go

Space Shuttle Discovery this morning, on mission STS-131, as seen from 70 miles to the west. (Click for very large.)

Band Names from Google News

Volume XXVI, Number 5, likely.

How you ever gonna get the labels to notice you, little rebels, if you can't even garner a measly following on MySpace or Facebook? Here's the trick: you need to name yourself something unique. And don't just look around your apartment and see something and try to make a band name out of it, because "Girlfriend's Hairbrush" or "Empty Cat Food Can" are just lame names for your group. Go to Google News. There is a daily trove of possibilities waiting for you. Like today. Click the name to see what inspired it.

• The Dry Eyes
• Chocolate Love
• Bubba's Heart
• Raising Eyebrows
• The Buzz Biffs
• Immediate Withdrawal
• Crippled By Desire

For more in this series, see here.

Band Names From Google News (The Reunion Tour)

A formerly popular feature on this blog was "Band Names from Google News" (See here for the archives) in which I conduct a cursory glance of Google news headlines and come up with names for your fledgling act that is currently wowing the kids over at MySpace.

I thought I'd bring it back, at least for a day. Below are the names gathered from today's headlines, with links to the stories that inspired the names.

• Dark Side of Funny (link)
• Up To The Hype (link)
• Some Immunity (link)
• Plastic Logic (link)
• Elvis Birthday (link)
• The Genius Scandal (link)
• Wholesale Power Trade (link)

And speaking of MySpace, check out these punks from Scotland. (Thanks, @everysandwich.)

Obligatory End of Decade Post - 1909

"You know that history repeats itself.
What you just done so has somebody else."
-S. Tallarico

Man, I can't wait for tomorrow. (Or to be more in tune with the zeitgeist: Jesus God, I can't wait for tomorrow. Or is it "Christ on a corndog?" Or on a Popsicle stick? Or some such phrase that suggests all at once how funny, irreverent and tragically hip you are.)

Tomorrow means we can start to stop recollecting 2000-20009, as if those 10 years were all that ever happened in the History of Earth. Such a bunch of myopic, egocentric, crybaby prima donna bitches we've become. Let's all make a list suggesting that the passing decade was somehow so monumental, momentous and epic, that it will be a long time before we ever experience ten years like the ones we've just been through. Make a list that will become ephemera before you even hit the "publish post" button. Most of these lists are a collection of rehashed scraps anyway; stuff someone heard or read and regurgitated for the amusement of a few readers; and more likely for their own amusement.

Let's travel back in time. Let's only go back 100 years.
Let's recall the years 1900-1909.
(Harp SFX)

Oh, dear readers! What an epoch we have come through! What an era of change! I dare say we are marked for it, and I know not whether we are marked for better or for worse.

Ah, 1900! Remember the promise? The joy of ushering in a new century? We were all so full of hope! And then, on the very first day of this new century, Hawaii asks for a delegate to the Republican Convention! We might've known right then that we were in for a decade of comic disaster. And then! The assassination of Kentucky Governor William Goebel! Things were starting off ever so bleakly. In March the decade was already officially ruined when in France they passed the law making the legal length of a workday for women and children just 11 hours. It seems so long ago now, looking back from the eve of 1910, but that one act would usher in a spiral of decline, perhaps making this the "What in The Name of All That is Good is Happening to Our World" Decade.

Boxer Rebellion, Philippine-American War, King Umberto I of Italy is assassinated, the devastating hurricane that killed 8,000 souls in Galveston! And we were only getting started.

The death of Queen Victoria. New York State requiring license plates on automobiles! (The tyranny!) Stock market crash of '01. The assassination of President McKinley! The Southern violence that erupted after Booker T. Washington was received at the White House. Were we surely not on the precipice of ruin by the end of 1901?

Cuba gains independence from the United States! If you could not sense the end of our nation's Providencially Ordained Dominance by then, my friends, you surely had your heads buried in a sandy San Juan hill! Miners striking, Guatemalan earthquakes. I shudder as I recall it all.

Mudslides in Alberta, the King and Queen of Serbia assassinated, flash floods in Oregon, Paris Metro train fire, theater fire in Chicago kills 600, Orville and Wilbur Wright defy God and all that is natural and fly through the air! The Great Baltimore Fire, Russia declares war on Japan, the Great Toronto Fire, the steamboat fire in the East River kills 1,000, Governor General of Finland assassinated, Moscow tornado, 20,000 killed in Indian earthquake, Norway achieves independence from Sweden, the beginning of the naval arms race, the start of the Russian Revolution AND the murder of Frank Steunenberg, ex-governor of Idaho!

Coal mine explosion kills 1,000 in France, the eruption of Mount Vesuvius, the San Francisco earthquake claims 3,000 lives while 20,000 were killed in the Chilean earthquake and 10,000 by the typhoon and tsunami in Hong Kong AND The Grand Duchy of Finland becomes the first nation to include the right of women to stand as candidates when it adopted universal suffrage!

The invention of the submarine, working class children in Rome get a school! School? For WORKING CLASS Children? Good God, Man! The Wall Street Panic of '07, more mining disasters in Pennsylvania and West Virginia, the King of Portugal and his son are murdered in Lisbon, the Young Turk rebellion and the earthquake and tsunami of Messina, Sicily and Calabria that killed over 70,000 people.

And as I write this, more progress, more tragedy, more immense undertakings the likes of which man has never seen continue, including the recent opening of the Manhattan Bridge, meaning the City will soon be teeming with Brooklynites! What hath we wrought, my dear readers?

Here's to a more subdued and genteel 1910. Let us usher in a decade of new promise, of understanding and goodwill. We are surely marked for the time through which we have passed, but let us learn from it and forge on more learned, more reflective, and better for it.

(Harp SFX) Back to the present

Now, see? doesn't your Mark Sanford, iPhone, Obama, 9/11, Janet Jackson showed her tit at the SuperBowl, Bush-Cheney, Wars and Rumors of Wars list look kind of silly?

Get a grip. It's just another year.

It Usually Starts WIth a Title and an Image

A new project*, coming soon** from Jetpack Productions.


* "Project" is the loose term we give to things that have not been developed in the least, and only exist as a URL and a few vague notions.

** "Soon" is the undefined timeframe we give to things that may be here next week or next decade.