Pick Your Poison

If you're a Fox Nut or an MSNBC Drone, this is your button today.

Rocket to the Moon and Race Right Back

To my holograph room and my new jetpack

Jetpacks are in the news of late, thanks to some Fox News hosts getting duped by Weekly World News. The verdict, here from the Mythbusters guys appearing last night on Countdown with Keith Olbermann, is that no, we won't see any jetpacks anytime soon. Yeah, I thought I said that already.

I love how the folks who developed this behemoth, screaming jetpack claim it will fly for 30 minutes at 63 mph, but you never see it flying for more than a few seconds, and always hovering at about four feet off the ground. And this is Martin's second go-round with a PR push. The first one (over two years ago) didn't generate enough buzz, I guess. Maybe because this was and still is a shitty jetpack.

With all this jetpack news, you'd think a radio station, commercial producer or someone should be playing or licensing my song at this point. 

A Discussion Over a Disc

Whether you watch it Fair and Balanced or prefer The Place for Politics, there's no getting away from The Spin. And it drifts into your own conversations, as these two dear friends discover. (Click for the large)

When He Wears Chuck Taylors, They Look Like Clown Shoes

Oh please, for the Love of God, click it

Jesus God Almighty, I'm hearin' some crazy talk out there in my country. Been watchin' Fox News tonight. Lock up the women, arm yourselves, and have plenty of water and gold. Obama has passed Phase One in his Eight-Phase Plan to lift Lady Liberty's dress and sodomize her with the rolled-up scroll of the Constitution out there in the harbour for all the world to see. Especially the Arabs. If we can get That Guy out of office after only Four Phases, the worst may be avoided, though you can expect that the Koran will have replaced the Bible in courtrooms nationwide. But you hold fast, friend. Brother. We will defeat this foe.  Let Freedom Ring. Let the White Dove Sing. Let the Whole World Know it's the Day of Reckoning*.


I don't think I've ever done this, but I'm gonna repost an old post, because my dear countrymen, the Prophet Beck and Patriot Hannity, deserve it. Orignally posted January 8th of this year.

Because The Four Horsemen Won't Be Bringing Food  

Glenn Beck is the new spokesman for Food Insurance, a company that wants to make sure you survive the coming tribulations with your bellies filled. And they're coming, Beck warns in a video on the company's site. He's got these little backpacks for his whole family and his staff, and they look all Swiss Army or Red Cross-like. Two weeks of freeze-dried goodness for as little as $199.99 per person. Want to feed a family of five for an entire year? Only $9,299.99. Financing available.

Now I'm all for being prepared, but Glenn and his pals are turning preparedness into an industry that preys on the fearful and misinformed. Make sure you have plenty of gold coins so you can trade with other survivors for essentials like old issues of Town Hall Magazine and Sarah Palin's book.

So take note, all you marauders, murderers, pillagers, rapists and zombies out there planning on surviving the destruction: just look for the people with the black and red backpacks with the fork icon on them. That means "food" and you can steal them at gunpoint as they flee the city in their Hummers and Escalades.

* Lyrics from Sean Hannity's theme song.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon

Tea Party (with Red Peppers and Dom Perignon)

 

I am offering, for a short time, limited edition prints of my latest composition. (Click image for larger.) As I am terribly modest about my own work, I can't really explain it to you, so I'll share this review from Red State Art Digest:

At once haunting and timeless, Tea Party (with Red Peppers and Dom Perginon) is a masterwork of unparalleled import. The artist speaks in this kitchen scene to the passions, the fears, the freedoms and the dreams of the modern patriot. A brick of gold, a bong, a refrigerator bedecked with ageless truths, the artist blurs the boundaries between Libertarian and Libertine, offering us a glimpse of a new Age of Reason, where a man can dress as an 18th Century militia member and not be ridiculed for his patriotism.

The review went on with endless embarrassing flattery, but my modesty prohibits me sharing much more. OK, just a little more:

The spicy scent of the peppers nearly wafts from the canvas, reds so brilliant and succulent, while framed in the dual and subtle yellows of melted butter and solid gold, over which the patriot stands guard. Or does he guard his lady, she of the alluring eye and come-hither stance, suggesting a Fox News weekend anchorwoman? She represents truth, and the patriot will protect her.

Colour prints

20" x 16" £6000
16" x 12" £4300
12" x 10" £2800


Lith Prints

20" x 16" £5500
16" x 12" £3800
12" x 10" £2300

(In truth: I saw this old kitchen at the always awesome Plan 59, and it begged to be messed with.)

And on The Seventh Day, You Will Get Your Ass Up and Work

Under the job title of "Federal Emergency Relief Contractors / Special Project in South Florida," I found an intriguing call for "Cooks, Dishwashers, Food service workers, Shower operators (sanitizing showers and refilling supplies), Laundry workers, General maintenance people, Administrative assistants, Machine Operators, Project Managers (this is a higher skilled position), Janitors, Laborer, Grounds Maintenance, Washer, Machine Appliance Mechanic, General Maintenance Worker, Laborer, Driver Courier, Parking and Lot Attendant, Shuttle Bus Driver, Truck driver, Light, Truck driver, Medium, Truck driver, Heavy and Truck driver, Tractor-Trailer."

The best part of the ad was this paragraph:

Workers are expected to do any tasks assigned and work 7 days/week, 12 hour/ day – 40 hours regular time pay and 44 hours overtime pay. They must provide their own transportation to and from the work-site, and will be provided shelter, and all meals. This commitment could be up to 6 weeks or more. Workers will be paid the prevailing wage designated for each area.

So this thing is like bootcamp, or prison, except you get paid. It could also double as a sort of in-patient weight-loss or detox program and stop-smoking clinic, I'd bet.

If I was a Fox Newser, I'd cry out against the socialist nature of this Nazi Work Camp. If I was an MSNBCer, I'd glory in the Peace Corps/New Deal aspect of it all. As an unemployed writer, I see it as a story and two paychecks. Six weeeks of 84-hour weeks and free meals? Maybe a bunch of stories. I'd embed on this one.

I'm gonna apply for Laborer, Grounds Maintenance.

Rolling Stone? The Atlantic?

None Dare Call it Astroturfing

A Li'l Bigger

Actual signs from the Glenn Beck, Dick Armey, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Fox News inspired "march on Washington" on Saturday. See more signs here.

Grass roots, my ass. And please quit with the inflated crowd estimates. Media outlets are saying between 60 and 70 thousand showed up. Organizers of the event claim 1.5 million. That's a pretty huge discrepancy. Of course, those media outlets are "mainstream," aren't they? Can't believe them.

"Angry Mob" set is from McPhee.

Land of the Spin, Home of the Talking Point

I don't know how they can even call it a debate anymore. It's beyond hopeless. If you're not disgusted, you're not paying attention. I need a long vacation away from my country. When I come back, I fully expect it will be worse.

Click for the larger, stealable version.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

Fair and Balanced

I like to keep an ear to both sides of the politically biased reporting. I listen to right wing radio to and from work. (Finding a left wing radio show in this market is very hard unless you have XM.) I go to crazy leftist sites like Huffington Post and 23/6, and I check in on the equally partisan Red State, Free Republic and Town Hall. In the evening, I like to switch around and get a dose of Matthews and Olbermann along with Hannity and O'Reilly.

And of all the places I have the option to listen to or participate in, the ones that squawk the most about bias are the right wingers. Daily they decry the unbalanced reporting of "the mainstream media" and those who are "in the tank." They act as though they are broadcasting on pirate wavelengths or short wave. They have a siege mentality that belies their stated objectivity. They thrive on the "us against them" game. They are haters and dividers.

Sean Hannity just renewed a multi-million dollar, multi-year deal with Fox. Limbaugh did the same with his affiliates. Apparently, they have a huge audience. But if any of their fellow broadcasters or columnists dare to say a nice thing about the other side, they are instantly shunned and treated as traitors.

There are just as many right wing, utterly biased sources for news and commentary as there are left. Quit yer bitchin', ya big babies. If I want to hear people getting a thrill up their leg for Obama, I know where to go. If I want to hear a bunch of old limp dicks who suddenly got boners for Sarah Palin, I know where to find that as well.

There are two mediums in America now. They are equal. Give yourself some credit, right wingers. You built Fox and revived AM radio and now your people have a place to go if they want one-sided attack journalism. You ARE mainstream. To act as though you are "outsiders" is disingenuous at best.

If I want truly non-partisan, fair and balanced coverage, I know where to go: CSPAN.

Oh, Man - We're an Angry Country

Here's my second installment of "The Spin," the comic created by commenters on America's insanely partisan blogs. The woman with the ponytail gets her words from The Huffington Post, a far left spot, while the woman with the shorter hair gets her words from Town Hall, equally far right. (Yes, that's the classic Microsoft "Bliss" image in the background, a not-so-subtle wish that this stuff could ratchet down a couple notches.)

Click for the bigness

This new series was inspired by the purchase of some Frisbees yesterday.

My Head is Spinning - A Comic from Comments

I bought two Frisbees today. (A house can never have too many Frisbees.) I scanned the back of the package and made a comic out of the instructions that show you how to throw a Frisbee. (And what is Wham-O thinking with those instructions, printing them in French? Are they trying to hurt their sales in red states?)

It's called "The Spin."

Here's the fun part: the woman's words are copied and pasted verbatim from commenters at Fox News, while the man's words come directly from comments made at Huffington Post.

This shit makes itself up.

Click for super-size

More to come, if I know me.

The Spin is at Critical Mass

And I'll just leave it at that. We can let this cartoon do the talking. It's called , "CAPT John Sidney McCain III, USN (Ret.) Meets with his Troops."

Never let it be said again that John McCain doesn't know how to win a war.

Click for the super size

If you aren't disgusted with that has happened in the last couple of days courtesy of Rove, Limbaugh, Medved, Fox News, Hannity and McCain's other assorted students of Goebbels, you should maybe find a time machine and go live in another era.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon

You're Right, Hannity - Journalism is Dead

Watch it and weep—with laughter. Not for Todd Palin's answers, he's a normal guy doing what he has to do, but for Greta Van Sustern's absolute empty-headedness.



Via Wonkette.

Wake Up, All You So-Called Patriots

I can overlook the fact that she wants to overturn Roe vs. Wade. I can understand trying to oust her brother-in-law from his job in defense of her sister in the midst of a nasty custody battle. I can forgive her pretending to be a reformer when she really was in fact a strong advocate of that "bridge to nowhere," among other pork projects. I even understand the Evangelical desire to teach "intelligent design" alongside evolution. I'm even willing to turn a deaf ear to her crazy claim that the War in Iraq was a "task from God."

But when you start putting pressure on the local librarian of your small town to ban books, you've crossed a line in my America. You're not "Putting Country First," lady, unless your country is Nazi Germany.

I expect that the answer to all these charges from the fawning "base" of the Republican party will be, "Reverend Wright! William Ayers!"

Wave your flags, patriots, as you rush to fall in line behind another Cheney.

Damn Me, I Did it Again

Tuned into Fox News, that is - and Hannity among others. The outrage, the feigned disgust, the appalled righteousness on the part of the right wing in response to liberal bloggers asking questions about Governor Palin's daughter's pregnancy is the very height of hypocrisy. Not the world's most liberal blogger, Jake Tapper of ABC, asks a great question:

"What would the response be if Sen. Barack Obama, D-Illinois, and his wife Michelle had a pregnant unmarried teenage daughter?"

I don't believe this young girl's pregnancy says anything about her mother's ability to govern, but the reaction to it, particularly from the right, says a whole lot about how we really live in two countries that will never get along. The right has their own media, the left has theirs. Those of us trying to get a glimpse of the truth have to switch back and forth and face both fronts of the propaganda storm.

It's already fractured beyond repair. I say we just split the thing down the middle.

If Porky Pig and Satan Mated

This blog has been getting a little political of late. I apologize to those who don't care for politics. Consider my fascination a temporary problem that will go away when all this bullshit stops. Or who knows, maybe I'm going into politics the same way I went into advertising: disgusted and determined that I can do a better job.

But if you pay attention, political campaigning is nothing more than advertising stripped to its most evil core.

You're Watching The John Edwards Channel

Where it's all John Edwards, all the time.

Is anyone really surprised that a vain and pretty rich man who talked way too much about his concern for the impoverished and loved to tell you about his millworker father but never talked about his hedge fund work or his life as a vain and pretty rich trail lawyer, is guilty of feeding his ego by sleeping with another woman?

This is news?

It's the salacious slice of the week, from a media culture obsessed with enforcing a moral code they could never uphold themselves, casting stones and pondering the results of their stone-casting. Gay Republicans in airport bathrooms or straight Democrats in hotel bathrooms, it's all the same. Give us the pictures, the love letters, the stained dresses, the quotes from friends of friends. Tell us why this is important and why we need to stay tuned.

America, you suck so much sometimes.

Keeping Your Irrelevancy Relevant

In a post-postmodern culture, where even nostalgia for stupid long-dead sitcoms died with Y2K, what is a depressed aging actress ex-wife of a crack-addict rockstar to do other than get re-famous for losing weight? You go, girl! Here's your guest spot on Ellen. Write a book. Encourage fat ladies. Do some spots for Jenny Craig or whatever. Oh, damn, this is so fun, just like the old days when I was young and pretty and untalented. Huh? Wha? The book tour's over? Quick, get a press release out to all the news outlets that I defend another washed-up fat actress' weight.

God, sometimes I just absolutely hate America. Sorry, Sean Hannity - please don't take that the wrong way.

Band Names from Google News - SPECIAL EDITION

This will be the first time that all seven band names from Google News come from one story, an unconfirmed story that you may not know about, since (most of) the media is pretty much not reporting it, because it pretty much is nothing but rumor at this point. But still, surely one of these names would be a great name for your band.

• Love Child
• Beverly Rendezvous
• Not Good, Johnny
  
• Enquirer's Notebook
  
• Hilton Baño
• Ashen Faced
• Condition of Anonymity

Here are 144 more.

Fair and Balanced

...is what this guy was. Tough questions always, but never showing a partisan side. He was what Fox News claims to be. It makes you hope that out of respect for his professionalism, some of the bickering, sniping and back-biting so prevalent these days in politicking and political reporting will quiet down somewhat.

He embodied like no other what the Fourth Estate is supposed to represent: he tried to keep the lying politicians honest.

I don't take much note when well-known people pass away. I didn't know them. They're gone and that's sad for their families and friends. But with Russert, I feel like a beloved uncle has died.