Friday, January 08, 2010

Because The Four Horsemen Won't Be Bringing Food

Glenn Beck is the new spokesman for Food Insurance, a company that wants to make sure you survive the coming tribulations with your bellies filled. And they're coming, Beck warns in a video on the company's site. He's got these little backpacks for his whole family and his staff, and they look all Swiss Army or Red Cross-like. Two weeks of freeze-dried goodness for as little as $199.99 per person. Want to feed a family of five for an entire year? Only $9,299.99. Financing available.

Now I'm all for being prepared, but Glenn and his pals are turning preparedness into an industry that preys on the fearful and misinformed. Make sure you have plenty of gold coins so you can trade with other survivors for essentials like old issues of Town Hall Magazine and Sarah Palin's book.

So take note, all you marauders, murderers, pillagers, rapists and zombies out there planning on surviving the destruction: just look for the people with the black and red backpacks with the fork icon on them. That means "food" and you can steal them at gunpoint as they flee the city in their Hummers and Escalades.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

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  • Disappoitned. The site and vid only talk about "natural and man-made disasters," and we have seen some of those lately. No mention of the apocalypse that I could find. Might have to settle for 2012.

    By Anonymous everysandwich, at January 8, 2010 at 4:12 PM  

  • Given Beck's audience, I think it's implied. Maybe I will go back and edit it to read "Tribulations."

    By Blogger Jetpacks, at January 8, 2010 at 4:14 PM  

  • Profiler.

    By Anonymous everysandwich, at January 8, 2010 at 5:44 PM  

  • Fear is our business—and business is good.

    By Blogger mtlb, at January 10, 2010 at 1:20 AM  

  • Is there a Booze Insurance site? Cause if I'm stuck with my family for a couple of weeks after a natural disaster, I'd much rather have a stockpile of bourbon and various mixers to survive. I wonder who the spokesperson for that would be...Hasselhoff maybe?

    By Blogger Brice, at January 11, 2010 at 12:32 PM  

  • I can't help but be reminded of the apocryphal quote, attributed to William Randolph Hearst, "You supply the pictures, I'll supply the war." Beck's message is, you supply the tin foil hat's, I'll supply the panic." How can anyone but the biggest idiots buy into his shtick? Oh, wait....I think I answered my own question.

    By Blogger phillybikeboy, at January 11, 2010 at 1:25 PM  

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