War on Drugs, Continued

As a follow-up to my last comic, Carl has a few words with Jesus.

Day After Thanksgiving Self-Indulgent Creative Exercise

Had a song stuck in my head, so I cut it up into a :30 promo for Radio Free Babylon, filling it with old images from this blog.

Politics Makes Strange Bedfellows and Breakfast Mates

Here's the perfect gift for the right-leaning Tea-Partier or the left-leaning Liberation Theologian on your Christmas list. It's Jesus as a politician! Because Jesus caucuses with your party!

Chances are good they won't get it or they'll find it sacrilegious. But chances are good that their politics are too.

Available now at my store.

Small Church Learns the Secret of Church Marketing

Some American churches of late have become notorious abusers of marketing. They know how to drum up business through provocation. They strive to be hip, relevant and they boast of their pastor's ability to "relate God's word to your world." They have cool logos, catchy slogans, Twitter accounts, Facebook pages and pastors who dress like Abercrombie models. They hang banners that cause an intended stir or they announce a series about sex that they know will rile their small conservative community. It's all for the sake of hoped-for viral success or a mention on the evening news. They count this attention as something God has blessed. Their numbers grow and they think "surely the Lord is behind this." Any attention is good, they believe, and if they have to get them in the door through shock and awe, that's how they'll do it. It's a tough market out there, and with so many things competing for the attention of the prospective church-goer, a pastor has to do what a pastor has to do. Or rather, an Associate Pastor of Marketing and Community Outreach has to do what an Associate Pastor of Marketing and Community Outreach has to do.

So along comes "Dr." Terry Jones of Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida. His first marketing trick is the title before his name. I am unable to find any information on Jones' supposed doctorate. His second trick is the name of his church. When you have 50 members in your pews and you call yourself a "world outreach center," that's very clever marketing. You might consider it misleading, but I'm sure Jones would make a case that he sends money to Africa and Asia.

But Dr. Terry Jones has one-upped his marketing brethren in a big way. He's not going to preach a series on good sex. He's not going to debate an atheist in a warm-hearted gesture of goodwill toward atheists. He's simply going to burn some Korans this Saturday and get the attention of the whole world. With that simple announcement and a few other provocative signs around the neighborhood, Jones has succeeded in drawing the attention of Muslims from around the world, the world's media, and he has even drawn responses from the commander of US Forces in Afghanistan as well as the White House.

Look at that sign. Crude layout. Kerning is all off. I can safely guess from the appearance of this sign that  Dove World Outreach Center doesn't have a Pastor of Electronic Arts and Media overseeing the creation of its outdoor advertising. But they have the basics down, learned very well from the best practitioners of modern American church marketing. You must provoke, shock, announce a press conference, create a controversy, get people mad, get people talking. And points to them for doing it on a very small budget.

As the nation's church leaders step up to denounce this man and his message, they should probably also repent that they taught him too well. 

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

Father, Forgive Them...

...for they know only what they hear on right wing radio.

When He Wears Chuck Taylors, They Look Like Clown Shoes

Oh please, for the Love of God, click it

Jesus God Almighty, I'm hearin' some crazy talk out there in my country. Been watchin' Fox News tonight. Lock up the women, arm yourselves, and have plenty of water and gold. Obama has passed Phase One in his Eight-Phase Plan to lift Lady Liberty's dress and sodomize her with the rolled-up scroll of the Constitution out there in the harbour for all the world to see. Especially the Arabs. If we can get That Guy out of office after only Four Phases, the worst may be avoided, though you can expect that the Koran will have replaced the Bible in courtrooms nationwide. But you hold fast, friend. Brother. We will defeat this foe.  Let Freedom Ring. Let the White Dove Sing. Let the Whole World Know it's the Day of Reckoning*.


I don't think I've ever done this, but I'm gonna repost an old post, because my dear countrymen, the Prophet Beck and Patriot Hannity, deserve it. Orignally posted January 8th of this year.

Because The Four Horsemen Won't Be Bringing Food  

Glenn Beck is the new spokesman for Food Insurance, a company that wants to make sure you survive the coming tribulations with your bellies filled. And they're coming, Beck warns in a video on the company's site. He's got these little backpacks for his whole family and his staff, and they look all Swiss Army or Red Cross-like. Two weeks of freeze-dried goodness for as little as $199.99 per person. Want to feed a family of five for an entire year? Only $9,299.99. Financing available.

Now I'm all for being prepared, but Glenn and his pals are turning preparedness into an industry that preys on the fearful and misinformed. Make sure you have plenty of gold coins so you can trade with other survivors for essentials like old issues of Town Hall Magazine and Sarah Palin's book.

So take note, all you marauders, murderers, pillagers, rapists and zombies out there planning on surviving the destruction: just look for the people with the black and red backpacks with the fork icon on them. That means "food" and you can steal them at gunpoint as they flee the city in their Hummers and Escalades.

* Lyrics from Sean Hannity's theme song.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon

Because The Four Horsemen Won't Be Bringing Food

Glenn Beck is the new spokesman for Food Insurance, a company that wants to make sure you survive the coming tribulations with your bellies filled. And they're coming, Beck warns in a video on the company's site. He's got these little backpacks for his whole family and his staff, and they look all Swiss Army or Red Cross-like. Two weeks of freeze-dried goodness for as little as $199.99 per person. Want to feed a family of five for an entire year? Only $9,299.99. Financing available.

Now I'm all for being prepared, but Glenn and his pals are turning preparedness into an industry that preys on the fearful and misinformed. Make sure you have plenty of gold coins so you can trade with other survivors for essentials like old issues of Town Hall Magazine and Sarah Palin's book.

So take note, all you marauders, murderers, pillagers, rapists and zombies out there planning on surviving the destruction: just look for the people with the black and red backpacks with the fork icon on them. That means "food" and you can steal them at gunpoint as they flee the city in their Hummers and Escalades.

Click for the big

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

Tea Party Patriots

bigger

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

The MSN Janitor Reaches The Sacred Chambers

Apocalyptic Proportions

Previously in this twisted series:

Revenge of the Google Janitor

The Google Janitor Defects to MSN

Jesus Tested. Jesus Approved.

Christians join free? Do I have to show my stigmata to prove it? And this guy posing in front of what looks like a Powerpoint presentation, he is Certified Christian? How do I know that if he isn't wearing Tim Tebow bible verses under his eyes? He looks like an anchorman, and we all know the mainstream media hate Jesus. Or is it just your site that is Certified Christian? Who does the certification? What are the criteria to become certified?And if I am Danny or Suzy Christian, my head now spins with so many questions. Shouldn't I trust God to find me a match? Am I thwarting God's will, perhaps even letting you play God, if I join? What about those people who you charged to join your site, who aren't Christians and therefore aren't entitled to the free membership? What happens when you match a believer and a non-believer? I can already hear the fighting around the Holidays, when Jack wants a Christmas tree and Jill wants a Menorah.

I hate "Christian" businesses. I hate the concept of marketing to a specific faith group. It fosters and further deepens an already elitist "us" versus "them" mentality.

And so Christians have their own plumbers and electricians and radio and book stores. Just look for the little fish symbol and you know you're in good hands. Good honest hands attached to a heart that is pure and a head that believes like you do. And votes like you do, too. "Unclean" would the believer become were he or she to listen to music "of the world," or watch movies and read books that didn't support a particular world view. Keep your radio tuned to schlocky sub-par crap and your iPod filled with poorly produced pseudo-gospel of a thousand sub-genres. Don't drink. Don't smoke. Don't eat food sacrificed to idols. Don't lust. Except in your heart for Sarah Palin. Buy the books. Attend the seminars. Use the phrase, "Judge not lest ye be judged," only when someone is judging you.

But I can go on and on on this topic. And have. Somebody find me an agent.

Banner ad found at The Awl.

We're All Deranged

If you enjoy satire or if the recent election left you spinning in a dizzy way, you might like Matt Taibbi's book The Great Derangement.

Going undercover in a Texas church, the author gets baptized, fakes speaking in tongues and makes friends with some lonely folks. While I found this technique evilly deceptive, the author balances his right-wing exposé with one as equally indicting of the left. Infiltrating some 9/11 Truth groups, he cleverly debunks their theories with an imaginary scene involving Cheney and crew as they mastermind an impossible scheme to take down the twin towers.

Taibbi is a bastard, but he is a truthful bastard, and this book, while disheartening, is also enlightening. In an outing to the mall with his church friends to "witness" to the masses, he is appalled at the desire of random strangers to unload their troubles on him, surmising:.

"No creature on earth is more inclined to public verbal diarrhea than a modern American; whether it's the AA culture, or the post-Me Generation emphasis on "finding yourself", or all those new-Woody Allens confessing to their therapists, or just too many damn people fantasizing about telling the audience of Oprah what influenced their latest album ("In the fourth track, I'm trying to share the sacred message of His Holiness the Dalai Lama..."), we live in a country where people believe implicitly in their right to bore the living shit out of absolutely everybody within haranguing distance with tales of their miserable, lonely, and inevitably self-deluding searches for personal fulfillment in the emotional desert that is our crass commercial culture."

In between ranting at (and sympathizing with) the hard left and the hard right, Taibbi skewers the process we call government, showing it for the back-room, lobbyist-driven sham that it is, regardless of which party is in power. The paperback edition has a September, 2008 afterword in which the author is even more disgusted at the tone of the McCain/Obama contest than he was with the do-nothing Democrats who took power under Pelosi.

He concludes that this fractured nation, and our ability to pick and choose and create our own customized news tailored to our prejudices and fears, has turned us into haters. We go to the polls to vote against someone, not for someone, and that person we vote against is the embodiment of all that is evil and corrupt - and we do so in the name of patriotism. Whether you're a Texas Christian convinced that Pelosi and Obama are tools of Satan, or you're a 9/11 Truther convinced that Cheney is the evil Illuminati's instrument for a new world government, you're both on the far fringes of reality, and you might do well to shut off your Internet for awhile and stop attending meetings that reinforce lies.

With a new cover by hipster illustrator Shephard Fairey, he of the iconic Obama art.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

Soul-Wow!

When it comes to church advertising, almost all of it makes me want to puke. Heart-string tugging, little kids, sadness, despair, whatever - come on out to Life Center Faith Fellowship or Morningstar Community and get your fix of happy! (And come as you are, 'cause we're all hip like that, where cool boys play guitars while hot chicks sing for Jesus.)

On the other hand, this one is great. A timely, tongue-in-cheek spoof of the ShamWow dork. And from the Catholics, no less - not normally known for doing advertising beyond letting you know via vinyl banner that they're having a bingo night this Saturday.



Via.

On a somewhat related note, check out ShamWow guy - en Español!

Marketing Your Church to an Ever-Moving Target

How to Get Free, Constant Exposure!
Striking While The Iron's Hot!
Making the Most of a Media Circus!

I'm sure they've created their talking points over at First Baptist Church of Orlando, justifying why helicopters, news trucks and vans and thousands of people who never knew Caylee Anthony or her family are gathering in the church for a PUBLIC "memorial service" orchestrated by the grandmother of the slain toddler.

If you're unfamiliar with the case, good for you. Try to stay that way. It's a sordid tale given way too much press by a ghoulish media, headed by Chief Demon Nancy Grace, who fanned the flames nightly in a self-righteous roar, boosting her ratings. The tragic tale was lapped up by a sick segment of society that now believes they knew this little girl.

And in an effort to appear compassionate, along comes this church, portraying itself as a gracious and welcoming place for "healing and hope" for our community as we "move past this ordeal and find closure."

And you're welcome to come back this Sunday!


And how about this for some sick advertising over at WESH news? Another little girl goes missing, and be sure to watch LIVE COVERAGE of the memorial!

Thomas Kinkade - Maker of Movies

For those not familiar with Thomas Kinkade—Painter of Light, he is the American king of "inspirational" art, renowned for such stunning works as "Graceland Christmas" and "NASCAR Thunder," details from both shown here. He has catered to a "christian" customer base throughout his career, with a heavy reliance on Bible bookstores and James Dobson tie-ins.

He has now made a movie to inspire dozens. Based on his life, of course. Straight to DVD, of course. Disappointingly, Peter O'Toole and Chris Elliot both have roles in the film.

Previously in "Catering to Christians":
Fishy Electrician Man

Didn't Miss The Rapture

Oh, and for all you tools who think the world ends in 2012 because the stupid Mayan calender only goes that far, let's remember that the Mayans also practiced human sacrifice, so maybe their god wasn't much of a God after all.

Theories mixed with folklore mixed with a grab-bag of semi-truths and half-remembered sermons is not much to base your "faith" on.

Don't get me started...

Jesus Supports Your Agenda

For my 1,000th post here at Where's My Jetpack? - a simple Photoshop hack-job in honor of Patriot Day. He makes a fine Republican, doncha think? But he's still two years too young to be elected President.


(This is actually Dick Cheney's official portrait, with the classic Jesus painting head stuck on.)