Friday is Just Like Any Other Day Lately

Life on the dole is a curious existence. On the one hand, you desperately search for gainful employment, while on the other, you have time to do things you didn't have time for when you were driving one hour one-way to sit in a generic office building in a cube, pumping out copy for taskmasters more suited to pushing a broom in a warehouse than making strategic marketing decisions. (And even then, I'm not sure I would trust them to sweep correctly.) Here's some of what I've been up to.

Presented a series of logos to a Jacksonville-based company, which is funny, because I'm not a designer. They actually loved one and are already using it on their in-development, internal site. I didn't charge them, since they're friends. And yes, I impressed them with the much-maligned (and deservedly so) faded reflection feature. 

Went on a job interview down in Tampa. Met with the lead person, who said, "My team would like to sit with you and discuss some things." In walked 11 people, who proceeded to tell me about the company and pepper me with questions such as, "What superpower do you wish you had?" "What animal would you be?" and "Pirate or Ninja?" (I swear.)

Took delivery of a 50" Sanyo Plasma. (Long story, but it was a prize.) This thing is imposing. Our "old" TV is now in the bedroom, a 42" Sony Bravia. I am now Winston Smith from 1984, trying to escape the giant visages screaming at me about healthcare reform from every room.

Presented a very cool idea to my favorite grocery chain. It was received well and is now being passed up the ladder, where it will likely meet its death in committee. Currently it remains a secret, but if and when they adopt it, I will be its loudest and most constant promoter, to the point that you will say, "I wish he'd shut the hell up about that stupid f-ing grocery chain." I made the pitch in Powerpoint - and yes - I am ashamed of that.

Got an up-close, inside look into how homeowner's insurance works. Basically, you make a claim, based on the recommendation of a professional whose job it is to determine these things, and then you watch as the insurance company spends thousands of dollars to fight your claim. I understand the need on their part to guard against fraudulent claims, but when you approach a long-standing policy holder as someone trying to get one over on you, then you pretty much suck in the customer service area. Are you in good hands? Now there's a feel-good slogan that doesn't mean a damn thing. Fuck you, All-State.

Went to a home-brew party at the neighbors'. They're Americanized Brits, the husband being some sort of mad-scientist for a defense contractor. I think he makes lasers that shoot out of cats' eyes. He also makes a great beer, or three. I came up with about six names for his concoctions with accompanying label designs, which again is funny, because I'm not a designer. But to a physicist like my neighbor, if you're "in advertising," then you can do that thing with The Photoshop, right? And when a physicist tackles a hobby like home-brewing, the results are very impressive. I am pushing him to "Take it to the Next Level!"

Added actual ads to this site. Am I a sell out? Yes, but it doesn't pay off until you have actual traffic. 150 visitors a day is not going to fetch me any serious coin. Also added a "featured video" in the sidebar, which will rotate with stuff from my YouTube account when I get around to it.

I have been living like a European, riding my bike each day to the market and loading up an old child carrier / trailer I found on Craigslist with the day's groceries and the evening's dinner. So far, no stalks of celery or baguettes sticking up out of the bags in that grocery cliché seen in the movies. I'm even using those damned reusable canvas grocery bags. I justify this disgusting transformation in me as "exercise with a purpose." We need groceries and I need exercise. Ya know, two birds. I'm sure people think I'm being "green," when actually I'm just trying to get in shape for the Apocalypse.

It is estimated that as many as 75% of American homes have within them a guitar. Granted, that guitar may be stringless and in the attic, but it is still there. It is also estimated that as many as 80% of all American males have attempted at one time to learn to play the guitar*. I knew how not long ago, but life has a tendency to get in the way of such luxuries. Dusted off the dobro and greased the strings, trying to remember where to put my fingers to make it sing like it used to.

* Both estimates based on pure fantasy with no data to prove them.

When He Wears Chuck Taylors, They Look Like Clown Shoes

Oh please, for the Love of God, click it

Jesus God Almighty, I'm hearin' some crazy talk out there in my country. Been watchin' Fox News tonight. Lock up the women, arm yourselves, and have plenty of water and gold. Obama has passed Phase One in his Eight-Phase Plan to lift Lady Liberty's dress and sodomize her with the rolled-up scroll of the Constitution out there in the harbour for all the world to see. Especially the Arabs. If we can get That Guy out of office after only Four Phases, the worst may be avoided, though you can expect that the Koran will have replaced the Bible in courtrooms nationwide. But you hold fast, friend. Brother. We will defeat this foe.  Let Freedom Ring. Let the White Dove Sing. Let the Whole World Know it's the Day of Reckoning*.


I don't think I've ever done this, but I'm gonna repost an old post, because my dear countrymen, the Prophet Beck and Patriot Hannity, deserve it. Orignally posted January 8th of this year.

Because The Four Horsemen Won't Be Bringing Food  

Glenn Beck is the new spokesman for Food Insurance, a company that wants to make sure you survive the coming tribulations with your bellies filled. And they're coming, Beck warns in a video on the company's site. He's got these little backpacks for his whole family and his staff, and they look all Swiss Army or Red Cross-like. Two weeks of freeze-dried goodness for as little as $199.99 per person. Want to feed a family of five for an entire year? Only $9,299.99. Financing available.

Now I'm all for being prepared, but Glenn and his pals are turning preparedness into an industry that preys on the fearful and misinformed. Make sure you have plenty of gold coins so you can trade with other survivors for essentials like old issues of Town Hall Magazine and Sarah Palin's book.

So take note, all you marauders, murderers, pillagers, rapists and zombies out there planning on surviving the destruction: just look for the people with the black and red backpacks with the fork icon on them. That means "food" and you can steal them at gunpoint as they flee the city in their Hummers and Escalades.

* Lyrics from Sean Hannity's theme song.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon

Let's Go Caving!

From the people who brought you Boxing Glove Is a Brain comes this work of epic retardation, featuring a pioneering team of doctors all geared up to explore the uncharted territory that is your vajayjay. Pretty sure I don't want to know about the debris at their feet.

Florida Hospital, Where Vaginal Spelunking is not Just Our Mission, It's Our Passion.



(The body copy was removed from this ad to highlight the cluelessness from which Florida Hospital's creative team operates. And it was really tiny and pretty standard.)

If I Only Had a Brain

Around Central Florida, ads for Florida Hospital have been appearing with this image of a boxing glove that looks like a brain. Or perhaps it's a brain that is simply a boxing glove. I don't know. And aren't brains grey? (That's "gray" for my American countrymen.) What I do know is that this is one of those ads that makes you go, "Gross." And perhaps I'm a little short on grey matter, but this is a confusing message to me. So if a stroke is "a knockout punch to the brain," then is this glove a brain that is going to knock someone out? Or does the glove just represent a stroke? Or does this glove represent that the hospital is fighting back? With a punch from a brain? An outdoor board execution with this same image says "We're champs at fighting back." OK, whatever.

It'll probably win an award.

This is My Rifle

Make the Image Bigger

Note: This is not a Second Amendment statement. I'm fine with guns. It's a statement on the idiocy of people who bring loaded weapons to town hall meetings about healthcare.

Original 1967 ad found here.

Land of the Spin, Home of the Talking Point

I don't know how they can even call it a debate anymore. It's beyond hopeless. If you're not disgusted, you're not paying attention. I need a long vacation away from my country. When I come back, I fully expect it will be worse.

Click for the larger, stealable version.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

Be a Tea Bag Designer in Your Spare Time

A career with a promising future in today's America is banner ad designer for the right wing mob. I just threw this one together in about five minutes. I think it says everything they want me to say.

I love how the mob yells, "Do you want the government deciding who your doctor is? Do you want the government deciding what procedures you can get?"

Well, right now United Healthcare decides those things for me...at an exorbitant rate.

Or this is one of their favorites: "What has the government ever run right?"

Aren't these the same folks that love "our men and women in uniform" more than you or me? I'm pretty sure they'd have a hard time saying the military, a government entity, is shoddily run.

Now I need to make one showing him as the foreign-born Muslim prince boy, puppet of the Illuminati, destroyer of all we hold dear. Crushing baby skulls and lifting the dress of Lady Liberty while he urinates on Old Glory. Yeah.