You're Only as Green and Eco as Legal Will Let You Be

A few months ago, I was in the in the habit of getting the day's groceries on a bike. Now that the worst of summer is behind us, I might take it up again. On one of my trips, I came up with an idea: (Well, it wasn't an original idea, since people have been delivering groceries on bicycles since the early 1900s.) But why not have a chain store offer localized delivery? I thought, "Surely, the average carbon-footprint-obsessed corporation could get behind this and sell it to their equally concerned canvas bag-toting customers." So, in my never-ending quest to do many things not-very-well instead of sticking to one thing and doing it well, I contacted Publix headquarters in Lakeland with what I thought was a cool pitch (delivered in a Dynamic Powerpoint Presentation, since corporate guys like that shit). I laid out the costs and benefits, the strategies and logistics, offering to oversee the pilot program at my local Publix, with me being the first delivery guy.

It got some attention and even a phone call from a guy with a big title that had "VP" in it. He actually thought it was cool, but in the end, legal would trump cool, and the potential liabilities of bicycle delivery (accidents, spoiled food, etc.) would outweigh the convenience to Publix customers. Too bad. He suggested going it independent. Maybe.

Here's a Minnesota company doing it, although they only do produce.

I still think it's a cool idea.

Friday is Just Like Any Other Day Lately

Life on the dole is a curious existence. On the one hand, you desperately search for gainful employment, while on the other, you have time to do things you didn't have time for when you were driving one hour one-way to sit in a generic office building in a cube, pumping out copy for taskmasters more suited to pushing a broom in a warehouse than making strategic marketing decisions. (And even then, I'm not sure I would trust them to sweep correctly.) Here's some of what I've been up to.

Presented a series of logos to a Jacksonville-based company, which is funny, because I'm not a designer. They actually loved one and are already using it on their in-development, internal site. I didn't charge them, since they're friends. And yes, I impressed them with the much-maligned (and deservedly so) faded reflection feature. 

Went on a job interview down in Tampa. Met with the lead person, who said, "My team would like to sit with you and discuss some things." In walked 11 people, who proceeded to tell me about the company and pepper me with questions such as, "What superpower do you wish you had?" "What animal would you be?" and "Pirate or Ninja?" (I swear.)

Took delivery of a 50" Sanyo Plasma. (Long story, but it was a prize.) This thing is imposing. Our "old" TV is now in the bedroom, a 42" Sony Bravia. I am now Winston Smith from 1984, trying to escape the giant visages screaming at me about healthcare reform from every room.

Presented a very cool idea to my favorite grocery chain. It was received well and is now being passed up the ladder, where it will likely meet its death in committee. Currently it remains a secret, but if and when they adopt it, I will be its loudest and most constant promoter, to the point that you will say, "I wish he'd shut the hell up about that stupid f-ing grocery chain." I made the pitch in Powerpoint - and yes - I am ashamed of that.

Got an up-close, inside look into how homeowner's insurance works. Basically, you make a claim, based on the recommendation of a professional whose job it is to determine these things, and then you watch as the insurance company spends thousands of dollars to fight your claim. I understand the need on their part to guard against fraudulent claims, but when you approach a long-standing policy holder as someone trying to get one over on you, then you pretty much suck in the customer service area. Are you in good hands? Now there's a feel-good slogan that doesn't mean a damn thing. Fuck you, All-State.

Went to a home-brew party at the neighbors'. They're Americanized Brits, the husband being some sort of mad-scientist for a defense contractor. I think he makes lasers that shoot out of cats' eyes. He also makes a great beer, or three. I came up with about six names for his concoctions with accompanying label designs, which again is funny, because I'm not a designer. But to a physicist like my neighbor, if you're "in advertising," then you can do that thing with The Photoshop, right? And when a physicist tackles a hobby like home-brewing, the results are very impressive. I am pushing him to "Take it to the Next Level!"

Added actual ads to this site. Am I a sell out? Yes, but it doesn't pay off until you have actual traffic. 150 visitors a day is not going to fetch me any serious coin. Also added a "featured video" in the sidebar, which will rotate with stuff from my YouTube account when I get around to it.

I have been living like a European, riding my bike each day to the market and loading up an old child carrier / trailer I found on Craigslist with the day's groceries and the evening's dinner. So far, no stalks of celery or baguettes sticking up out of the bags in that grocery cliché seen in the movies. I'm even using those damned reusable canvas grocery bags. I justify this disgusting transformation in me as "exercise with a purpose." We need groceries and I need exercise. Ya know, two birds. I'm sure people think I'm being "green," when actually I'm just trying to get in shape for the Apocalypse.

It is estimated that as many as 75% of American homes have within them a guitar. Granted, that guitar may be stringless and in the attic, but it is still there. It is also estimated that as many as 80% of all American males have attempted at one time to learn to play the guitar*. I knew how not long ago, but life has a tendency to get in the way of such luxuries. Dusted off the dobro and greased the strings, trying to remember where to put my fingers to make it sing like it used to.

* Both estimates based on pure fantasy with no data to prove them.

We Are Building a Religion

There's a brand manager over at Frito-Lay's SunChips who just won't give up. Burdened with the 21st Century do-gooder, save-the-planet, share-the-love ethos, back in '07 SunChips was immersed in their "Live Brightly" campaign, complete with fake videos of cool dudes who eat SunChips buying two sandwiches and giving one to a homeless man, who just wanted some cheap, potent wine. Having failed to start a new religion based on "Live Brightly," SunChips is now going the "How Will You Change the World?" route. I won't transcribe the copy from that site, because you can imagine it already. Here are the highlights:

"Small ideas, turn to big ideas, ride your bike to work, greener planet, power to change the world, we can do this!"

Are you puking yet? They go on to explain that SunChips bags are now biodegradable! How awesome is that? Doesn't it make you want to grab a bunch of empty SunChips bags and throw them out the window as you race through a beautiful green space without a muffler on your gas-guzzling SUV, screaming at the bum on the corner to "Get a Job!"? OK, maybe you won't react that harshly. Or perhaps you are susceptible to this bullshit and you now have the urge to buy a Prius and compost your toilet paper. (Oh, did I mention that SunChips are "heart healthy?" Yes! So skip that coronary bypass and just munch away. The heart healthy lie is an essay of its own for another time.)

Remember when Heineken did the same thing, trying (and failing) to create a Universal Brotherhood by "Sharing the Good?"

But as the culture goes, so goes the advertising. (Or is it the other way around?) For instance, during World War II, if your brand didn't "support the war effort," it was basically a Nazi brand and you should be put into a camp in the desert along with those suspicious Japanese. So as we are continually bombarded with talk of our "Planet In Peril" and the need to "Be Good Stewards," we can expect beer and chips to try to jump on the bandwagon. Some good surely comes from this. Then again, some real sharks are born of it, like the "Sustainability Consultant" businesses now showing up in big corporations, teaching grown-ups how to use less paper.

"Green" is now a religion, with adherents so militant and fervent they could qualify as religious extremists. (How many of us now recycle out of sheer guilt?) But if you're looking for meaning and a sense of fulfillment from a bag of chips, you should maybe go talk to a member of the clergy, or a psychiatrist. 

Hell's Half-Acre on God's Green Earth

The Global Warming Cultists have figured it out. You can't have some hipster dick giving us the spiel about conservation and alternative sources of energy. The hipster dicks are already WAY on board. As are their hipster girlfriends who voted for Obama and are toying with the notion of veganism. And those types of spokespeople only piss off the naysayers. Last thing they want to see is some half-man who just discovered he can almost grow a beard, pleading for the planet in a plaintive, nearly-crying voice.

The people not sold on the Earth is Dying Tomorrow Doctrine need to hear from an old dude in an old truck, mixing his metaphors, confusing God and Satan and who owns that patch of ugly land he drives his plug-in green Ford F-150 around.

He talks tough and throws in a dig at the dirty Iranians, so you know he's "one of us." He mentions he's from Arizona, so you know how he cast his vote. Only thing missing is a McCain bumper sticker.

I think this is from Al Gore's group.

If I Were a German Pimp

I'd roll in this. And if people gave me crap about the "Green" thing, with their silly "carbon emissions" talk, shouting about "global warming" and all that "planet in peril" new religion, I'd say, "Hey! I'm a pimp! What do I care about your silly-ass Green initiatives? I got your sustainability right here!”

Yes. That’s what I’d do. If I were a German pimp.

Clicken das imagen to mach bigness

Forget Going Green: Disposable Cups for Marital Bliss

When the blogging gets tough amid too much work - the smart blogger turns to other sources for material.

In the olden days, men got dressed for bed in striped pajamas and climbed into their beds, which were situated just off the kitchen. Then they let out loud, frustrated sighs for their wives to hear as they waited for the women to finish their chores so they could come to bed and service them, like women are supposed to do at night. The men did the crossword puzzle and waited some more. It was sometimes a long wait, as the wives often had a banquet's worth of glasses piled on the counter, left there by her rotten, ungrateful children, and the men, who had already been at work all day driving a bus or butchering pigs in order to bring home the bacon, were not about to climb out of bed and help their wives with "women's work."

Dixie recognized this national dilemna and invented the paper cup. Tagline: "A Dixie Kitchen Dispenser Will Get You Together Again."

Click to read the amazingly misogynistic copy, you glass-washing women.

Via

Invasion of the Fluorescents

A dyed-in-the-wool leftist Democrat eco-freak relative stayed at our house. On Sunday morning he ran off to Wal-Mart, Home Depot and Lowe's while the rest of the house was still trying to shake themselves awake with massive doses of coffee. When he got back, he proceeded to change most of our lightbulbs to these energy saver fluorescents. They're supposed to last a very long time and use much less electricity. He estimates a $20 savings per month.

I thought that was pretty bizarre, but pretty nice too. Now I've got a bin full of old bulbs that still work. Damn wasteful green freaks.