You're Only as Green and Eco as Legal Will Let You Be

A few months ago, I was in the in the habit of getting the day's groceries on a bike. Now that the worst of summer is behind us, I might take it up again. On one of my trips, I came up with an idea: (Well, it wasn't an original idea, since people have been delivering groceries on bicycles since the early 1900s.) But why not have a chain store offer localized delivery? I thought, "Surely, the average carbon-footprint-obsessed corporation could get behind this and sell it to their equally concerned canvas bag-toting customers." So, in my never-ending quest to do many things not-very-well instead of sticking to one thing and doing it well, I contacted Publix headquarters in Lakeland with what I thought was a cool pitch (delivered in a Dynamic Powerpoint Presentation, since corporate guys like that shit). I laid out the costs and benefits, the strategies and logistics, offering to oversee the pilot program at my local Publix, with me being the first delivery guy.

It got some attention and even a phone call from a guy with a big title that had "VP" in it. He actually thought it was cool, but in the end, legal would trump cool, and the potential liabilities of bicycle delivery (accidents, spoiled food, etc.) would outweigh the convenience to Publix customers. Too bad. He suggested going it independent. Maybe.

Here's a Minnesota company doing it, although they only do produce.

I still think it's a cool idea.

Get a Job, Loser

A local staffing firm said they were referred to me for a position they're trying to fill. They asked that if I wasn't the right fit, could I please send them someone who was. I wouldn't wish the job they're offering on anyone.

Is it just me, or is this job profile depressing, insulting, ludicrous and a sad commentary on the state of creative opportunities out there of late? (Click for large.)

To top it all off, you'll obviously be creating keyword-loaded content for a law firm - likely one specializing in personal injury.

Sexual Harrassment: It Works Both Ways

In your dreams, dudes.

The lawyer suggests that you tell "the temptress" to stop calling you "strong" and to stop seeking you out on the warehouse floor in her tight leather skirt. It's really bothersome. Classic early 90s production and slinky music in this CYA film apparently written as comedy.

Hail Nancy, Full of Grace

This woman needs to be stopped. I have an idea: don't watch her show. If you accidentally come across it, quickly turn away lest her snake-hair turn you to stone.

Even her own production crew are not fans, as evidenced by this old footage of them joyfully undermining her broadcast.



Since that show, way back in the Spring of '07, Nancy has devolved into an even worse caricature of herself. But as long as CNN can get big-name sponsors to buy time on her show, she is not going anywhere.

Write What You Know

Over and Over Again (Ad from Facebook)

I'll go out on a limb here and guess that Mr. Grisham's new book features a promising young lawyer who lands a job at a prestigious law firm. It will be set in the South. The lawyer will have morals that he finds compromised by the firm and/or the case to which he has been assigned. He does not talk to his father, who is also a lawyer. He will have to go it alone in his fight for justice, with the help of a magical old black man and a hot paralegal who wants his bones. In the end, the old southern corruption will be beaten and the young lawyer will make off with giant piles of cash, say goodbye to the magic old black man and take a leave from practicing law to drink beer in the Keys with the paralegal. On the way, he will stop by his father's giant southern mansion (which he hasn't set foot in since he left for Duke/Ole Miss/Tulane) to give the nurses some money to take better care of him.

When the book goes to film (hopefully straight to DVD) it will star Matthew McConaughey, on whom Grisham has a secret man-crush.

There Oughtta Be a Law

A billboard caught my eye on the way home for all the wrong reasons. The title was "Who Can I Sue?"

It's apparently a directory for lawyers "launching" today. So far, all they have is a "press coverage" section, which even includes the very negative press this idea has been getting. It'll cost lawyers $1,000 a year to be listed, which might explain why they have no listings yet.

Does This Billboard Make My Head Look Big?

Local personal injury attorney has quite a few of these around town lately. He used to be a sheriff's detective and he's got an easy to remember phone number. Pretty smart for such a big-headed dude. Still a little overboard on the inner bevel, though.

Now That's One Powerful Lawyer

A few posts back, I was laughing at my local Personal Injury Attorney Pages Yellow Pages, one of the endless editions landing on my driveway throughout the year. So I was sort of surprised to find another Yellow Pages on my drive this evening upon returning from work. Even more surprised was I to find that this was also from Verizon, as was the one last week. It even included the exact same magnet ad for an Orlando personal injury attorney affixed to the front. Was this some error? Did I accidentally get a duplicate Yellow Pages? Did the delivery people simply screw up?
No. It is identical in every way....except for one tiny detail.

I'm guessing Attorney Peircy J. Stakelum didn't like his goofy stare-at-the-ceiling look on the first magnet. Did he threaten a lawsuit if the error wasn't corrected? We now have a new Piercy J. Stakelum magnet, only now he looks like the kind of lawyer who would not hesitate to sue Verizon for screwing up his image.

You can not imagine the personal pain and suffering my client has endured. It is the least Verizon can do to begin to restore Mr. Stakelum's besmirched character, as he is at risk of becoming the butt of every lawyer joke not just in this fine city, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, but of the blogosphere as well!

Compare the two magnets below, with corrected Piercy on the right. I say, "Nice job, dude." Stick it to Verizon . Maybe they'll stop delivering these instant recyclables to my home if they keep losing money like this.

Se Habla Español - Or We'll Find Someone Who Does

Another Yellow Pages arrived yesterday. I don't know if this is a REAL Yellow Pages, a Best Read Yellow Pages, or what. It says "Verizon Yellow Pages" on the cover. What I do know is it is full of personal injury attorney ads, like all Yellow Pages. Front cover. Insider front cover. Inside back cover. Back cover. Even a couple of those bookmark style super-glossy full pagers. But the winner of the Personal Injury Yellow Pages Ads Awards goes to this man, who paid for a magnet affixed to the front of the front cover, covering the front cover ad of another personal injury attorney firm. You have to love that accidental look on his face. And he's got all the personal injury bases covered, including the now popular "Aggressive" lawyer adjective. You can even meet with him personally.


The Yellow Pages people are a stubborn bunch. Encyclopedia salesmen got the message early on. Travel agencies realized their day was done. Video production houses are feeling the heat. Even the guy making horse whips for buggy drivers had to find another job eventually. But as long as personal injury attorneys are paying for full-cover, full-color ads, I guess they'll keep making these giant volumes of useless information available in other places. I have not used a Yellow Pages in years. To the recycle bin with this trash.