You're Not THAT Important: Put Your Phone Down

Nothing says "I'm not paying attention" like texting during a meeting or a presentation, yet it happens all the time among the higher-ups when the lower folk are presenting. You get the occasional "Um-hmm" or "Uh-huh" uttered as their eyes never look up.

It's common courtesy. If I had my phone out and was furiously typing an email or texting when it's your turn to speak, you'd have a talk with my boss as soon as the meeting was over. If your job is so stressful and packed with work that you can't sit through a 10-minute presentation with your full attention on the presenter, then maybe you should tell your higher-ups that you need some assistance.

I'm presenting for your benefit, because you asked me to, because you want to see this piece before it moves on, so how about you LOOK at it. Can't that email wait?

Though something tells me you aren't even doing work-related things as your fingers tap away.

Hope you got high score.

Your Email Signature

If you have the following footer in your corporate email signature:

PRIVILEGED AND CONFIDENTIAL | PROPRIETARY INFORMATION AND/OR TRADE SECRET
This e-mail, including any attachments, contains information belonging to the sender which may be Confidential and Legally Privileged. This information is intended only for the use of the individual or entity to whom this e-mail was sent as noted above. The unauthorized use, distribution, copying or alteration of this email is strictly prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient, any disclosure or action taken in reliance on the information contained in this e-mail is strictly prohibited. If you have received this e-mail in error, please advise the sender immediately by return e-mail and then delete it from your system.

I'd suggest that you take a big bold step against your paranoid corporate overlords and delete it.

It's 2016, people. This is bullshit.

Corporate Speak Simplifier

I'm currently contracting with a very fine company that is unfortunately mired in the nonsense that is corporate speak. I'm compiling a list as I hear these phrases way too often. Maddening, but there's no way you're ever going to stop it. It's being passed on to the next generation. I'm listening as people fresh out of college toss these phrases about as if they've been let into a secret club with its own code words. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

Circle Back: Discuss Later

Touch Base: Contact

Reach Out: Contact

Take Offline: Discuss Privately

Flush Out: (They Mean "Flesh Out," by they always say Flush Out) Build

Download: Inform 

Buy In: Agree or Approval

Tie Off: Approve (New one on me.)

We're Some Serious Bullshitters

  

My Final Assignment in CubeWorld™

They say, "Do what you love." Ha! Wouldn't we all love to be able to follow that trite advice? Whoever said that was one of the rare people already doing what they love. Most of us do well to "do what we can stand." Sorry, kids. this is the way of the world - that is if you want to eat and pay your bills.

But today I'm fairly convinced that this will be the last time I have to "do what you hate." It's awesome when a person is passionate about their work. It's sad when they are the opposite of passionate. That's what this place makes me. (Looking up the opposite of passionate now but can't find the right word.) The problem is the product we sell. Right now I am creating the third and fourth emails in a campaign where the recipients ignored the initial and follow-up emails. In other words, they have no interest in what we are offering, its reputation sullied after years of being oversold and undermaintained, but we will hammer at that list as long as we have names and live emails.

And that lack of belief in what we do here is detrimental not only to me, but to my coworkers and the company. They don't need a malcontent like me writing their emails, their posters, their come-ons and their hurry-don't-wait-time's-running-outs! I'm sure it hasn't slipped through in my writing to the customers and potential customers that I find the offerings undesirable, but it can't go unnoticed around the cubes, where every manner of corporate waste, abuse, backstabbing, politicking, senseless meetings, endless projects and underhanded weaselness is practiced. Not only practiced, but rewarded, as the ones who do those things best rise up in the ranks. These are the sorts of things I enjoy pointing out at every opportunity. Because they are so stupid. And because the people who practice them are so dead to what used to drive them that they don't even see it anymore.

I'm glad to be escaping this tomb of zombies and glad for the opportunities ahead. It's almost lunch time, my stuff is packed. I wrote a Post-it note with the username / password info for this Mac for the next person who sits here. Time to go let the boss know I'm gone. Time to go do something I love.

The Skills You Kids are Losing

A one-off, most likely. (Click for the cubicle-hanging size.)

Old Art Director - Volume I, No. 3

Alright - this theme might be played now.

Large

Old Art Director - Volume I, No. 2

Big

Vacationing in a Connected Age

YouTubin' At Work

Terry Gilliam predicted it in 1985 in this scene from "Brazil," a movie you should seek out if you haven't seen it.

Notes on a Meeting - #10

As long as you are writing during a meeting, your colleagues assume you are paying attention. Unfortunately, sometimes what they're saying isn't really worth listening to. That's when you doodle.

The following fictitious character in no way represents anyone I work with, or anyone who was in a recent meeting, or anyone I've ever worked with. Or anyone you work with, or know. Or whom you have ever known. Any semblance of the following fictitious character to any person, either living or dead, is purely coincidental and is completely in the imagination of the person who thinks it's them.



Previously in Notes on a Meeting

It's Not a Magic Refrigerator

I might have to order some custom labels for my next case of water.


Previously:
Is that your pineapple juice? No! I didn't think so!
Firing squad executes office 'fridge thief.

Sexual Harrassment: It Works Both Ways

In your dreams, dudes.

The lawyer suggests that you tell "the temptress" to stop calling you "strong" and to stop seeking you out on the warehouse floor in her tight leather skirt. It's really bothersome. Classic early 90s production and slinky music in this CYA film apparently written as comedy.

I Don't Disagree. In Fact, I'm Mostly in Agreeance.

Main Entry: agreeance
Part of Speech: n
Definition: the act of agreeing
Example: Usage of the site constitutes agreeance with these terms.
Usage: considered obsolete and a bastardization of 'agreement'

Don't be a bastard.

Things You Should've Learned a Long Time Ago

Or - 12* Things I Won't Miss About CubeWorld^TM

1. When two people are walking down a hall side-by-side in conversation and another person approaches going the opposite way, ONE OF YOU NEEDS TO STEP ASIDE SO I DON'T HAVE TO DUCK INTO A DOORWAY TO LET YOU PASS.
2. I'm sure whomever you're talking to on your cellphone from the bathroom stall would love to know that YOU ARE TALKING TO THEM WHILE TAKING A CRAP.
3. FLUSH THE DAMN TOILET, ASSHOLE.
4. Your cologne/perfume needs to be used MORE SPARINGLY.
5. Switching to Spanish from English when the non-Hispanic enters the area is RUDE.
6. Could you possibly crunch your snack ANY LOUDER?
7. We don't all love your music. They're called HEADPHONES.
8. The meetings about meetings? They're a WASTE OF TIME and MONEY.
9. It's going to take you a long time to clear your cube of all those personal belongings when they lay you off. IT'S WORK - NOT A SHRINE TO YOUR CHILDREN, CATS or BOYFRIEND.
10. Gay guys - shut up with the gay sex humor. WE GET IT; YOU'RE GAY.
11. Gay guys - quit complimenting the women. Straight guys get TAKEN TO H.R. FOR THAT.
12. The morning gossip sessions about what you watched on TV last night need to be dialed down - SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP.

* Post #1,200 at Where's My Jetpack?

Notes on a Meeting #8 - Fake It

A couple more characters for the comic strip. These are "The Fakers." They're not exclusive to office environments. I'm sure you know a few. But really, this type is easier to deal with than the constantly-down "Moper," forever depressing everyone with sad tales of real life trouble. In our superficial culture, when we ask, "How's it going?" we don't really want to hear anything besides, "Fine." It's a greeting, not an invitation to unload.
Follow the trail of "Notes on a Meeting."

Dear HR

I've about exhausted the "Old Man and His Platoon of Butt-Kissers" comic. So here's a new one.

Uh, Thanks?

My department at CubeWorld^TM has a little blog where we keep up on who's sick or who's coming in late or if there are donuts from some print vendor in the break room. It's a little team thing that makes us all feel "connected" and stuff. Feel good inspiration from the bosses, policy updates, server issues, etc. They also post birthdays. They posted mine today. That was nice.

Except my birthday is in mid December.

Selling the Downsizing

"Or maybe it's like the plane developed a giant hole in the side and a few people who were walking to the restroom got sucked out and..."

(Based on a true and ongoing story in CubeWorld^TM)

Click for the wide screen

The Game of Getting Things Done

Doodles drawn in the Monday morning production meeting, taken into Photoshop for clarification.
Previously in "Notes on a Meeting."

Blogging In CubeWorld™

New OS installed overnight. Everything shiny and new. Firefox not a priority to the Web Blocking Police of IT. Blog window of opportunity may shut at any moment. If I lose contact, send MREs, cigarettes and whiskey. Jetpacks out.